my STD's...at a very highly intense game of "where's my metamucil martini?" with a bunch of eye sore dress'n Ben-Gay beauties and my really really REALLY good close friend...oh shit...what's her name again?
hmmm...wait...gimme a minute...it's on the tip of my tongue (really good friend...known each other fer years...owns her own biz)...UGH...dammit it all to H-E-double hockey stix...Vanna...i'd like to buy a vowel please...can i get a Y?
well what in the sam hell?...oh well...once the metamucil martini kicks in...it'll come to me...so anywho'zll'ding...so there we were...me and my non dick slapp'n sidekick that i had just kidnapped fer the day from River Falls, WI...a foreign country...to me...sweat'n it out like a bunch of banshee's in Belize...play'n regular BINGO...
when all of sudden they called my fav-o-rit number fer the win...YES YES YES...165 BIG ONES...ALL MINE...i was completely shocked...after all the 10's of 1's i had spent...from what had seemed like eons...well was really only a couple of weeks total over the past 3 years of play'n with my cuz...but wouldn't ya know it...my world would completely shatter
when 2 other blue rinse bitches would have to ruin my dream of own'n my very own high priced hooker fer an out call fer the next 60 minutes...by popp'n in their jell-O chompers and screetch'n B-I-N-G-O!
CURSES!!!
but i digress undress!
as i took that long forlornly pissed off walk thru the park'n lot to my busted out shit mobile...my cell phone trilogy of terror...informed me of a personal text in my instagram account that i rarely ever check...the follow'n is thee actual conversation that occurred a couple of weeks back :
at first i was like...ya right...why are YOU contact'n ME thru instagram?
then i thought...waid'a'minute...WHY NOT? but this was no ordinary stalker i hadda deal with kittens cuz this HIGH PROFILE stalker was thee biggest i've ever come in contact with
(and i don't mean that in a narcotic sorta way...you damn finger pointers)
(and i don't mean that in a narcotic sorta way...you damn finger pointers)
WOW...just WOW!
i hadda do all i could do to keep the giddy natives in the deepest corners of my empty soul from escape'n and goin all turrets on myself as i was ready to go center stage dur'in my car concert
with the latest BETH DITTO cd (ps...if you haven't...you must...it's sooo good!)...so i calmed my tits down fer a minute breath'n in and out and opened like a lotus flower...while chant'n nam myoho renge kyo...as i waited patiently fer his reply
i thought...hmmm...yea could'a at least threw my a complimentary bone MISTER SISTER...with all the damn benjamins i doled out to travel the corners of the globe in cognito to just getta glipse of ya since you've been like my POP GODDESS since 1982...but anywho'z'll'ding...so BOY's reach'n out to MEEEE fer a "confidential" project...that is too big fer his own mgr?...this was GIGANTOR!!...this was better than winn'n anything at BINGO...the POWERBALL...
this even beats out front row tickets to CHER's colonic!
so of course i hadda play it off r-e-a-l cool cucumber and all without...you know... look'n like i really had time to deal with him or his secret affairs
so of course i hadda play it off r-e-a-l cool cucumber and all without...you know... look'n like i really had time to deal with him or his secret affairs
i thought...maybe he needed a new make-up artist?...or maybe...he heard me lyp sync on stage once and wanted to record a duet?...or maybe...just maybe...
he wanted me to play him at the revival of TABOO?...who knew!
so i knew at this point...it was time to write my resignation letter and pack up my past...cuz when a superstar with his background says he needs somethin' done...you don't ask what it is...you just do it!
hmmm...hold up...waid'a'minute...let me put some grove in it!...a mega force of nature like BOY...
want'n lil ol' me to pull off some Boris and Natasha bullshit in the middle of the nite...so his mgr doesn't find out?...uh huh...somethin' don't smell right...but i was still intrigued enough to believe this was actually a genuine request that would most likely never transpire...but just in case...like a good falter'n catholic that doubles down at his or hers death bed in the off chance all those CASPER crusaders were right...i still believed...just'a bit...(hey...can ya blame me?)
i anxiously awaited his response with tuna on my breath...(keep yer mind outta the gutter) but of course...i hadda put in my 2 cents worth...ya know...just so i don't look like a complete A double snakes if this ain't the real deal
well by now i was quite sure...if this was ACTUALLY BOY contact'n me...it was a mistake...cuz he knows i'm well worth MORE than 20%...so i figered he had put just a lil too much Imodium AD in his earl grey tea...and hit me by mistake (i was crushed)...but i thought.on the OFF CHANCE it's not...i might as well give'm my digits...it ain't gonna hurt none
and so i did...
turns out...it was just some damn hacker that created a fake BOY account...if i ACTUALLY looked closer at the instagram header...i'da figered it out...(this is BOY's actual account if you wanna follow him...why not!) so of course my dream of gett'n outta this shithole and gett'n on OPRAH was shattered...what else is knew?
BUTT...
since we're on the subject of jokes...if yer look'n to purchase lil ol' me a lil quazi consolation christmas prezzie to soften my utter fantastical humiliation...
you can do that HERE...(PEETRINELLA...i'm just say'n...christmas is around the corner and you don't wanna suffer the same xmas fate as yer lovely sis...do you?)
but before i go...BOY...if yer read'n this (and i know you are) FYI...i'm still wait'n on that blog interview...kisses QUEEN!
now get off my dress!
since we're on the subject of jokes...if yer look'n to purchase lil ol' me a lil quazi consolation christmas prezzie to soften my utter fantastical humiliation...
now get off my dress!
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