week...now that all those annoy'n...blood suck'n connoisseurs of no conscience are completely gone fer the year...no i ain't talk'n about Nosferatu or the Living Dead...heavens to betsy no...
i'm talk'n about ALL these brain dead...blood suck'n GOP'ers that lost their morals...along with their mouth power this past midterm
BUTT...in the end
nothing tastes better and helps soften that stool...when you'll drool over yer aunt Orlean's oral fix'ns this european invade'n small pox day...that yer kids will absolutely go batshit crazy for at the din din table...than Arden Weenus's meat soften'n syrup...even though it may cause a slight involuntary chain reaction to yer bowel movements...and a lil bitta weeze'n in yer breath'n...nothin comes closer to loos'en yer lunch and those pesky pounds than Arden Weenus's meat soften'n syrup...so pick up a can today!
with the holiglazed season in full swing...just a simple reminder that
there is yet another more ruthless...and frankly...a more devastate'n evil...
that once destroyed millions...from Europe to Russia to the Middle East in the 14th century known simply as the Black Plague
thought to have been completely eradicated over a 100 years later...has unfortunately been resurrected into the 21st century...and has maimed and caused way more devastation by kill'n millions of consumers
kindness's...now has simply morphed into another gestation known as BLACK FRIDAY!
this time honored tradition started in 1961 in the city of brotherly love...at midnite...as these everyday...mostly kind consumers...who simply wished to fulfill their everyday lives and their households while save'n a couple a benjamins on the latest and greatest technological wizardly after a very deliciously fullfill'n sit down dinner with the entire family...IS NO MORE!!!
as the turkey...ambrosia salad and candied yams just barely have time to settle in their stomachs...the beast inside them all...will awaken once again and turn them into these rabidly unconscious parasitic patrons of gizmos and gadgets to consume their miserable existence...before Tommy even has time to shove the leftover cranberry sauce down lil Timmy's trousers...or Tammy has time to finger the fix'ns again in the frigid air box
as the family gathers together in dad's "secret room" behind the staircase...the babysitter finishes gett'n dressed while dad lays out the
blue prints to each and every store section with the best sales within a 5 mile radius of their home...so they can accumulate the best buys fer their buck...and hands everyone a walkie talkie to alert everyone of any pop-up sales...cuz you know that can be a complete fuck over moment if you miss one of those!
dressed in their best pressed camouflage...so the bodies are easily identified in case they don't make it out alive...mom makes sure to pack enough liquid replenishments fer everyone so they can hit the sales...
and hit'em hard...pile'n into their hell on wheels...dad completely fergett'n to empty grama's colostomy bag so she can o.d. on a Matlock marathon and her box of sparklin' Franzia in peace...the family burns rubber to the first destination of happy helpers at Wally World on the "tour of discount destruction"
Bobby Marie teams up with mom and hit the electronics...as Betty Andy and dad try to find the perfect gift to keep mom's trap shut come xmas
morn'n..."daddy deez are pritty...and mommy's always say'n how cood her feet are." Betty Andy exclaims "how 'bout we git her some of deese"...dad distracted by an income'n text says "wha? huh? yea sure...here's my card...sorry kitten...daddy's gotta take this call...it's the babysitter office want'n me to come in"
over to mom and Bobby Susan...crouched down and hunt'n like unbathed mongolian savages in the jungle...look'n fer the best deals at the bottom...
like a hooker to heroin...mom knew Bobby was hooked...and she would never here the end of it...so she caved into Bobby's desires and gives him
and hour later...extremely exhausted after mom accidentally prodded Bobby's behind...from behind...while try'n to body slam the one eyed paraplegic fer the last garage door sized 3D HD plasma tv...which in turn...caused Bobby to involuntary impale mom's left breast implant with his shopp'n shank...they decided they deserved a much needed break
when Bobby's eye's lite up like a christmas tree...
"oh mommy P-U-H-L-E-E-E-E-Z! CAN-I-CAN-I-CAN-I?...i will do ALL my chores fer the rest of my life and stop play'n with Betty Andy's power saw and ratchet set" Bobby Marie whimpered
like a hooker to heroin...mom knew Bobby was hooked...and she would never here the end of it...so she caved into Bobby's desires and gives him
some extra cash she had earned in the "back park'n lot" earlier but told Bobby to never tell dad until he was old enough to move outta the house
and hour later...extremely exhausted after mom accidentally prodded Bobby's behind...from behind...while try'n to body slam the one eyed paraplegic fer the last garage door sized 3D HD plasma tv...which in turn...caused Bobby to involuntary impale mom's left breast implant with his shopp'n shank...they decided they deserved a much needed break
today...so off to the Golden Arches they went...undaunted by the lack luster service with their corporately plastered smiles...the 2 ordered the double stacked coronary burger with 2 slices of orange colored drainage squares...large french coma induced potatoe spears...a sugary coated crusty cardboard pouch filled with pipe'n hot apple flavored sludge and a refresh'n 2 liter cup of diet coke to wash it all down...
(both very conscious of their caloric intake)
as they inhaled their happy tumor meal...off in the distance...they heard the familiar clang clang clang come'n from some homeless troll work'n fer table scraps and a warm bed to rest their ache'n head from the freeze'n
as they inhaled their happy tumor meal...off in the distance...they heard the familiar clang clang clang come'n from some homeless troll work'n fer table scraps and a warm bed to rest their ache'n head from the freeze'n
cold...so they tallied up their receipts and carefully deducted 10% from their save'ns...and decided to donate to the red bucket charity that has been a time honored tradition that help's ALL without ANY sorta question or conditions...which always makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside know'n that they are part of the anti-bacterial self-sinn'n and grinn'n society
3 hrs later...after pack'n the caravan with all of their preciously purchased
treasured belong'ns crap...dad had decided to make one more final stop...
to stock up on a year's supply of head cheese...a vat of mayonnaise...a crate of reprocessed meats and bleached flavor crackers...and a barrel of spermicidal jam
but instead dad was greeted with the most perplex'n sign of all...
"sorry but we're closed...enjoy your holiday"
from the top of his lungs...dad whaled out...
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIIIIIT?...it's my one fuck'n day off...and i had a whole weekend planned with my "buddies" at the cabin"
"Harold...watch yer mouth...the kids" Dureen said sternly
"WHADIDYASAYBITCH?...you want me to fry ya up another back hand sammich to eat today?"
"KIDS...git odda the car! mommie needs to remind daddy that his "secret room" also has "secret" camera's"
as the last shopping bag was brought into the garage...the family reflected on the events of the day as they went off to their own miserable rooms...
Betty Andy was thankful she got to finish putt'n up the panel'n in her bedroom
dad was thankful the "help" stuck around
mom was thankful she could still see outta one eye as she poured herself into a merlot coma decide'n what to do next...
and grama...well...no one really heard a peep outta grama all nite long
the moral of this mess...be thankful you have yer health...some don't...
don't let corporate market'n turn you into ax weild'n homicidal maniacs
now get off my dress!
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