we all remember the many trials...tribulations and tawdry nites that one sassy brassy bee-hived beauty and 5 time VFW jitterbug champion Miss Florence Jean Castleberry (who was my all time fav i just hafta say) had endured as a glamorous food delivery technician...along with her cohorts
which was based on the Scorsese dramedy flick from 1974 (that no one under the age of 50 even remembers...sorry Martin) based on a widowed woman and her preteen pimple parade trudge'n across country to restart her dimly lit spotlight career that she gave up years earlier and ended up sling'n hash browns and ho downs
after putt'n on my Angela Lansbury cap and doin a lil investigate’n...i found out he now plans to redo one of thee most beloved classic spookilicious slap-stick iconic television series of all time...the original family of fright...
"THE MUNSTERS" into a movie!
cuz what? sadomasochism makes fer great tv?
then of course there was thee all time classic cosmic cult film...
"THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" (that was born from the stage production) in the mid 70's that has held it's title as thee most brilliantly cast...science fiction...double feature...EVER made in the history of cult musicals
that is until 40 some years later...when it got mercilessly slaughter like Jeffery Dahmers dates...by a bunch of PC pricks that turned out this atrociously nauseate'n piece of eye sore'n patheticness fer the modern tv viewer and don't even get me started on the blood curdle'n...chalk board scratch'n...kill'n the neighbors cat "music" seriously...i just can't with this pile of cat vomit!
if you were a gen X'er outcast...(like me) you were root'n fer Veronica & JD
an outsider and an honor student...to make their fascination last ferever...(or at least until the end of the trilogy...that thankfully never happened) everyone was strung out with line after line from the movie...much like a hooker is to heroin...dare'n to ask the question "fuck me gently with a chainsaw...do i look like mother theresa?" to "did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? from the cult classroom classic "HEATHERS" (which also had a decent stage production run fer 4 some years)
the new generation of whatever letter they were at the time...got the equivalent of spam on rye with "MEAN GIRLS"...which was a d-e-c-e-n-t tribute to it's predecessor i can admit (which of course hadda be milked to death...so it to followed suit to the stage...that premiered last year) FINE!...i can let this one slide since the title wasn't reused...like Pam Anderson's STD's (oh come on...don't even try to come at me with yer claws kittens...i read ALL about it in the STAR!)
then there was that time i was make'n my sacrificial meatloaf offer'n to the
porcelain god when i came across a trailer fer the beyond vomitous remake of my teen age angst years bein' basturdized into a tv spin-off by just change'n the actors...and PC'n them up...i totally wouldn'ta had have a prob with this concept if they'da just CHANGED THE FUCK'N TITLE and the characters names and pretty much all the ripped off dialogue from the original!
most gen X'ers would agree a more befitt'n title would'a been call'n it "WTF?" instead or how about "OPEN YER MOUTH & LET US TAKE A STEAMY PILE OF ELEPHANT POO DOWN YER THROAT!"
here me out...YES i was glad at the very least to hear HEATHER DUKE was part of this failed concept from the start after all that BS she went thru gett'n booted from that famous zip code years ago then goin thru issues with her dirty pillows and all that the past few couple of year which i predicted 3 years ago would never last past the 1st season and i was thankfully right
now i whole hardheartedly absolutely adored the blood curdlin' remake
and prequel of the texas chainsaw massacre's by heavy metal heart throbber ROB ZOMBIE and pretty much everything he's ever done...well except...
hey i totally understand...the mortgage was due plus his wifey looked like she was on dramamine after they let a cosmetology drop-out do her hair and make-up fer his tutorial example
BUTT can you believe it...
I DON'T...cuz seriously...ROB BABY...leave it the fiddlers fuck A-L-O-N-E! i’m only think’n of you and how yer gonna completely decimate yer stand'n as the most revered psychologically fucked-in-the-head father of fantastical fright fer this generation...HERMAN LILY GRAMPA EDDIE and both MARILYN's ARE ICONS ironically and CANNOT BE REPLACED (this is not up fer discussion) i even had the pleasure to met GRAMPA EDDIE and the 2nd MARILYN 20 years ago on a halloween hayride in Anoka, MN and all 3 still held onto their characters whimsical charm so hear my desperate plea PLEEEEEEZ and put down yer pen on this project pronto!
ain’t it bad enough that u already ruined my fav-o-rit holiday with these cringe worthy retell’ns?
YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
didn't they learn anything when the CW tried to desperately milk from...
the gigantic tit machine of NEW YORK...with that colostomy bag prequel after they jumped from the smash tv series to the big screen back to small screen
that ended in a catastrophic cancellation by season 2...first off...CARRIE would'a never had the bank account to wear anything off the runways of fashion week in New York during the 80's cuz she was too busy work'n at Benetton durin' the week after school just fer the discount on all the latest swatch watches and was also a part time cashier at the Orange Julius on the weekends...she would'a been an awkward teen walk'n down the aisles of Woolworths fer the latest Star Hits and Teen Beat magazines...worry'n about bad calories bad skin and bad boy crushes...
and she did that ALREADY...IN THE 80's!
can these lazy ass hollyweird "writers" (and i use that term as loose as i used my x's prolapsed A double snakes years ago) not think of A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G original anymore? i mean really "sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens" (and that IS NOT a direct quote...but don't quote me on that)
i only got ONE thing to say to all these catastrophic cankersourus retell’ns
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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