get off my dress: I WONDER?

picture it kittens...the year was 1976...our 38th prez GERALD FORD was

the 1st and only one to this date that got to pass go and collect $200g's a year by move'n into that neoclassical styled sherman-williams whisper white painted air b&b in D.C. who was N-E-V-E-R elected as vice prez or top gun in command...it was more like he won the lotto of politicks

STARLAND VOCAL BAND wanted everyone to have an "AFTERNOON DELIGHT" durin' the summer of '76 which reached the top spot on the charts with their overtly sexually suggestive lyrics (sorry kittens...apparently they lost all their millions in their dirty divorces to afford to have any gif's made...so deal with their studio shot)

SYLVESTER STALLONE played steroidal boxer "ROCKY" which was beat this live'n shit outta the competition at the theaters to take the #1 spot rake'n in an impressive $117 mill...which is roughly like over half a billion benjamins if it were released today (thankyou mister calculator)

there were many comic book heros we all used to watch that had totally

captured the imagination fer all of us Gen X'ers grow'n up from "SHAZAM!" "THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN" "THE INCREDIBLE HULK" "THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN" THE BIONIC WOMAN" and "THE SECRETS OF ISIS" to name a few

however...it was the blue eyed raven beauty LYNDA CARTER who was

on the hit drama series "WONDER WOMAN" that really captured the essence of all my inspirational inclinations and really sucked me in week after week...play'n duel roles as an undercover worker in the war department as DIANA PRINCE and spun into the woman of wonder when mysterious and/or trouble'n situations would arise...which was spinn'n outta control on tv fer 3 sensational seasons in the mid 70's and constantly spinn'n in my mind make'n me so absofuckinglutely mesmerized and stupefied as to how in the fuck she could transform into her star spangled corset...lie detector lasso and her bullet proof bracelets at least 3 times durin' an episode without have'n to do a single load of laundry

and i was just enter'n my very 1st year of hell (umm i mean kinder garden)

so of course i had to test out LYNDA's theory fer practicality reasons and fer 4 months straight (the only time i may have ever been) i was on the playground at Jefferson school in my fav-o-rit pair of light shit brown faux leather cowboy boots spinn'n around look'n like some sorta schizophrenic gerbil hopped up on hits of acid until the snow fell and i would eventually wear out the bottoms of my boots slipp'n on the ice and crack'n my head open in the process only to be gifted a handful of stiches that xmas but was forced to keep my shit kickers the rest of my school year with the souls held together by duct tape cuz there was no bottomless pit of frivolous funds on the farm to keep me accustomed to the lifestyle i believed i thought i deserved then that i still haven't found to this very day

once the stitches were removed i'm pretty sure my dad hadda sit me down

since he got me hooked on the series in the first place and explain to me the magic of hollyweird...though these days i make others wonder how i can turn a tooth chipper into a twat simply known as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER

BUTT...seriously!

though i'll admit still after all these years...i'm very much fascinated by the

superior spinn'n powers of WONDER WOMAN...desperately yearn'n to be just like her and still try'n to make that ball of explosion happen when i duck into the latrine 5 minutes before i need to clock out at work...unfortunately now in my advanced years...i'm spinn'n circles in my head instead cuz I WONDER where the H-E-double hockey stix i put my damn keys after tear'n my apartment apart like the fuck'n neurotic tazmanian devil until i realize that i've been hold'n onto 'em fer the past 20 annoy'n minutes?

I WONDER how to get my dumb ass to remember the new pass code after i just literally redid it 2 seconds ago to get into my smart phone and computer?

I WONDER why i always ferget all of a sudden what i was just gonna say when i end up think'n about something else?

wait...what?

I WONDER what the hell it was i was look'n fer once when i headed out to the grocery store 20 minutes away after leave'n the list i made on the counter back home after doin a complete inventory of everything i specifically wrote down that i needed even though i was just walk'n out the door to go meet a friend fer cocktails at the corner bar a block away?

I WONDER if it's just my plump A double snakes try'n to discretely "break silent wind" or that pepperoni pizza with jalapeño's...banana peppers and extra gorgonzola cheese on top from the other nite that's try'na break outta my outer rim while on my daily walk thru the mouse trap skyway system durin' my break?

I WONDER why durin' the winter months when my narcolepsy decides to kick in shortly after my dinner at 6 pm only to wake an hour later completely disoriented stare'n at the clock on the microwave like a lobotomized lentil...then suddenly jump off the couch in complete panic when the clock comes into focus and i immediately jump into the shower and dress as fast as possible cuz i think it's 7am and i'm about to miss the bus fer work just cuz my microwave clock has no am or pm on it and it's still dark out?