voodoo ...hot as fuckitty fuck HENRY CAVILL was portray'n the new man who made my pants tight...i mean of steel and had everyone and their neurotic nana cream'n in their culottes at the theaters...
hot as political fuck...BARACK OBAMA becomes the 1st non white american to win rent free in the non black house fer the 2nd time in history...
corn whack'n homo hottie from iowa ELI LIEB released his acoustic rendition of MILEY CYRUS's "WRECKING BALL" and trust me...he could wreck my balls anytime (meeeouch)
and we hadda say good bye to that pierce'n blue eyed hotness PAUL WALKER who unfortunately sizzled like a pork chop slamm'n into a tree thanx to his friend who was drive'n like a bat outta hell
BUTT that ain't all that's hot...
so there i was one hot lazy summer afternoon after come'n home from a
difficult day at the park try'na sell my personality to a reflection in the fountain before almost drown'n and suddenly i received a "viewer discretion advised" phone call outta the blue from someone i had chatted to on the phone lines earlier in the week (this was years before my smartphone purchase when i still relied on my imagination) who was want'n to do some sorta Jane Fonda work-out with me so i thought to myself hey...i hadn't met my charitable quota this particular year at that point yet so WHY NOT!
trust me...you'da said the same thing if you were me and thank CHER ya
ain't...anywho'zll'ding ding...my mysterious caller hadda remind me who he was since this was pre-smart phone days fer me so i opened up my roloxdicks of imagination when he described himself
once he had arrived to my shitbox (and ps...that is a pretext just FYI)
there was no time fer small talk...my biological clock was tick'n while he was lick'n his chops this particular afternoon and cuz...well...there was nothin' small about him
built like a shit brick house we started huff'n and a puff'n like 2 pigs in a
pie bake-off at the county fair...not a care in the world and trust me...he was more than ready to blow my house down as was i (insert evil wink here)
as he assumed his fav-o-rit position...i put on my fav BURT BACHARACH
record that had been collect'n dust since the last dance to get me in the mood then the sweat started pour'n like a monsoon in may in minutes
seriously kittens...you'da swore it was a full moon this particular day
cuz i could not shut this howl'n prowler up!
everything was goin exhaustingly well...that is...until a small but definitely a
distinct draft came outta the south at 2 miles per hour...i had just punched into Charlie’s Chocolate factory and believe when i say…i wasn't too damn happy to get this weather report…it was my damn day off!
hey accidents happen...so instead of make'n him feel like crap
since i was now marinate'n in it...i sent him off to soak in some calgon's cool bouquet fer a minute or so while i took a mini birdy bath in the kitchen sink and then it was back to Maxine Nightingale'n it once again
round 2 was goin to purfucktion...UNTIL...that is...i was back at Charlie's
WTF? i mean as hot as this guy was...i shouldn't have to be punch'n into this kinda work on my days off...just 4 and 1/2 minutes later (hey i was watch'n the clock since my egg timer was broken)
cue another much need birdy bath
i was all set to pay my tab and get goin...but he begged and i figered
fine...yer my charitable act fer the damn decade then plus 3rd time is usually a charm ain't it? HA! does NO go with WAY?
seriously...all i could here buzz'n thru my brain at that particular moment
was the eloquently soft and soulful sounds of the CULTURE CLUB hit "MISTAKE NUMBER 3" from december of 1984
though he had finally got his sky rockets in flight...there would be no fuzzy
spine tingle'n afternoon delight fer me on this particular shitty afternoon...however...fer once in my life i didn't give 2 shits since he had already bequeathed me 3 of his!
HEY...i'm a damn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n
illusionist of my own universe...i shouldn't have to put up with any of this shit...L-I-T-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y…so i hope this finally clears up any questions about my fornicational pratices fer all you Gladys Kravitz's of the planet since yer always randomly ask'n me where i stand in the boudoir fer some ungodly reason cuz i ain't save'n myself fer no damn aisle...that ship has sailed and sunk since the 90's
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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