really not given the full credit she so rightfully deserves since she practically removed her carbon foot print along with the carbon emissions back in the 30's by use'n just a simple house hold kitchen item that doubled as her flotation device after clean'n the cobwebs from the corners of her castle...gett'n from her horror home on the hills to the land of OZ just to scare the live'n shit outta a bunch of knee nibblers and try to steal a pair of over priced ruby red toe tappers from a teenrager in a pinafore dress
sure...we now have those over priced electric cars that cut down on
emissions by 50% to 70% depend'n on who the company paid off on the emissions board to clear the production of their vehicles...though as a misguided Gen X'er who survived on garden hose liquids...a rock in a box as our best friend...
spontaneous combustible candy that would implode in our mouth and street lamps as our reminder to get our A double snakes to bed...
we were all convinced every saturday morn'n over a kemp's ice cream bucket filled to the brim full of frightfully delicious chemically treated fruit flavored cereal that mocked you in every bite...
that we outta been fly'n the highly polluted friendly skies on our very own by now
BUTT...nonetheless...
it sorta made me think of the issues i had a few years back that involved my very own 1989 shit mobile that was barely hold'n together by duct tape and quite a few hail mary's every time i traveled beyond my safety bubble of my shitbox (i'm sorry) i shouldn't be so negative...what i meant to say was my quaint lil shit box!
i acquired said shit mobile fer a buck after my sibs hadda toss one of our
reclused relatives into a state run shitbox...excuse me...i mean refined raisin ranch...where metamucil parades and Matlock marathons kept him busy fer the better part of the day...after my prior shit mobile was putt'n me into the poor house after 12 years together
fast forward to a few years later when i decided i no longer desired to
turn into a puddle every time i took that long ass 2 hr trip back home to visit friends and fam...so i decided one early afternoon since i had some free time on my hands...i'd take a road trip and hire my exceptionally mechanically talented nephew to get the air finally work'n properly in my tin can from hell
after a few hours tinker'n around with the innards and roughly $200 later...i FINALLY had air...i can't even describe how elated i was (just close yer eyes and visualize kittens) it felt like i was Han Solo hunt'n fer Skywalker on Hoth...that i almost hadda knit myself a shawl...there was only one prob...i no longer had a horn!
there was absolutely NO WAY that i could live without my precious horn
i mean...i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...i wasn't about to loose my voice when i needed all those saturday nite assholes to get outta my way...when i was doin that drive of shame desperately try'na make it to some Remington party and was gett'n sick of wait'n fer my friend to get her bag of spicy corn nuts and cherry slushie...so it was back to puddle city...and back to the cities
by the time i had arrived back home...it was time to get some groceries...
and don't you hate when this happens to ME...i'm in a rush to get outta my girdle...throw on some sublime support hose and cook me some simple supper and relax to my sunday nite dvd programm'n when all of a sudden my damn neighbor Gladys had to stop and talk to me about how delish her damn spam casserole surprise was with the Bronstein's over the weekend...
i said "Gladys...i'm glad my recipe helped out and all but gurl puleez! it's been a long ass shitty day and my diet pills are start'n to wear off...i just wanna get home...fix me an Ovaltine cocktail and watch me some Trapper John MD season 3...H-E-L-L-O GONZO GATES"
"see you at Bingo next weekend...tah tah!"
well...wouldn't you know it...as i tried reverse'n my shit mobile outta the lot
it decided to go forward! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
after a mini meltdown and 3 ho-ho's later...i decided i had had it with this
piece of shit transport system...that...even if it initially only costed me a very small fortune of 1 crisp benjamin...i had now just sunk $200 in it fer air i would never be able to get comfort from on those long hot summer "indiscretionable" nites...and don't even get me started on the already $1700 i had put into it puke'n on me over the last couple of years...so i knew i would have to break down and find a local mechanic to fix whatever the current issue was and by morn'n...my trouble weren't ANY better!
though the pork chop at the front counter at the closest station i could find
near me which was in the downtown area of the Minne-Apple...wait'n on me...was pleasantly use'n his comfort'n inside voice and tactics to assure me everything was gonna be ok...i would come to find out 6 hours later there was no way i could smack him cuz he was FULL OF GELATINOUS SHIT!
try'na tell me there was a leak in my brake line (of which i had already informed him of) and cuz my car bein' from 1989...that they no longer made brake lines fer that model car and that they would have to 1st build a mold to pour in the metal then meticulously sculpt it to fit my out of production car...fer the low low price of $2400 and some small pocket change!
needless to say...i was in zero fucksville central at that very moment in time and decided to look at my other options
after a few more meltdowns at home and 5 ho-ho's boxes later...i decided it was time to explore other options of purchase'n a new vehicular system
of transport...but what would it be? though Sanford and Son's truck would come in handy when have'n to move my mountains of dvd's and make-up cases...i'd be guilted and forced into help'n others...and though i do give to charitable causes whenever i can...i much prefer antibiotics to help clear up any confusion
my next thought was...hey...how about somethin' Dixie mobile-ish? i'd look super cute climb'n outta my jeep in my hysterectomy shorts...nonetheless...not very practical fer those long winter runs around the park late at nite...kapeesh!
i always wanted to ride around in nostalgic style...however...i'd go ape shit on the 1st shit head that spilled on my faux leopard interior
then i thought...i needed somethin' that's slick and doesn't seat more than me and my groceries so i no longer hadda be the proverbially free Uber system fer the many freeloaders in town that assume i fill my tank off of my good looks...but then i figer'd K.I.T insurance was gonna cost more than i really wanted to fork out
and as much as a 70's style hotel on wheels would be ideal fer those "sticky" situations at nite...gas ain't cheap!
i ended up with another headache fer the past 4 years and am rethink'n
about the wicked witch of the west's mode of transportation once again...i just have to find the right meds to make it work fer me!
in the end...make sure to find a mechanic to fuck...before they fuck you!
that's all folks!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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