what's up...DOC?

almost everyone out there desperately needs to take a break now & then

from their very tiresome and tediously tawdryless "time to make the donuts" existence durin' these mundane damn panic times and learn a lil bit more about the world outside of their narcissistically curious compact...audiences were riveted 10 years ago this month to learn about the fascinate'n tales behind all the glitz and glamour of a truly undeniably unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe in my very 1st mini docudrama...directed by the Martin Scoresissy of the Minne-Apple and my friend Tony Larson...that you can waste 5 minutes & 22 seconds of yer life to relive by click'n on this link

BUTT...that's not all there is to know

recently i myself decided to expanded my horizons...instead of my over 

the rainbow road ego and learned about a true love story between 2 adorable consent'n adults with unbridled forbidden passion in "A SECRET LOVE" play'n now on Netflix...that any real carpet cleaner or anyone with a pulse fer that matter...would absolutely enjoy 

(ps...have a box of kleenex handy...i'm just say'n)

then i decided it was time to revisit some of my other fav-o-rit true stories

NO...not those you kinky lil kittens! so here is a list of my top 13 docs you outta check out if yer tired of psychoanalyze'n the TIGER KING one more time (in no chronological order)

#13...although it's been roughly 2 full years since it's debut in theaters

it's about time to remind yerself once again that no matter what yer contempt towards the ever brilliant satirist docu-filmmaker MICHAEL MOORE...his brilliant "FAHRENHEIT 11/9" will remind you to make sure that the mentally deranged corrupt sociopathetik bloated anal wart with the cottage cheese ass disgrace'n the WH and terrorize'n the planet...DOES NOT make it past nov 5th!

#12...i was completely awe struck think'n that everything was always

finger lick'n good just like that colostomitic cornel used to say...until i stumbled across this eye open'n doc one nite on youtube...starr'n hot-to-trot filmmaker MORGAN SPURLOCK in his 2nd fascinate'n flick pluck'n apart the poultry industry in "SUPERSIZE ME 2: HOLY CHICKEN"

#11...though she started on the D-List...this red headed spit fire ended up

on the shit list with the hollywierd elite and portions of the deplorable anal warts of a'murica fer practice'n her 1st amendment right as an A-List comedian take'n on the mentally deranged sociopathetik bloated piece of orange pig shit with the cottage cheese ass...unfortunately her career kamikazi'd within 24 hrs from release'n the "picture" seen around the world...but like a true deligant damsel in the blue dress...KATHY GRIFFIN rose like a phoenix fer the flamers and sold out her experience take'n on the mentally deranged sociopathetik bloated piece of orange pig shit with the cottage cheese ass at shows around the globe and documented her experience in "A HELL OF A STORY"

#10...i don't get the fear factor when it comes to clowns...i really don't!

OH WAIT! you will when you watch this deadly doc style terror w/a comical twist with IT's cousin "WRINKLES THE CLOWN"

#9...though dearly departed from this planet about 13 years ago now...

everyone's fav-o-rit maybellined minister...TAMMY FAYE BAKER knew how to accept all who crossed her path...regardless of race...religion or whatever rectal pirate you wanted to reem on any given nite...narrated by MAC's minister RuPaul..."THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE" will have you sing'n her praises in hopes that she raises...someday!

#8...christened the "most beautiful woman in the world" by filmmaker

JOHN WATERS...this larger than life persona became infamous fer eat'n dog shit in the hysterical low budget raunchy hit "PINK FLAMINGO'S" in 1972...chronicle'n her rise from the streets of Baltimore to the bright lights of Hollywierd...simply known as DIVINE..."I AM DIVINE" is a MUST SEE doc fer any Rutard enthusiast who thinks that their fav queen is "iconic"...none of them can hold a heel to DIVINE's massive legacy...currently play'n on Netflix

#7...the one reason why i rarely EVER take a trip to a tricks residence...

"VOYUER" makes you rethink about ever rent'n a room at some run down road side motel...ever again...air'n on Netflix currently

#6...though i was an alter boy at one point in my teen aged life...i soon 

learned it was all just a crock of shit...cuz basically if you take ANY religion (well...maybe not satanism) and remove ALL the money...they're ALL basically say'n...just don't be an anal wart to others...and BILL MAHER breaks it down perfectly by flush'n out the hypocrisy in "RELIGULOUS"

#5...one of the greatest pioneers in female comedy...was also the hardest

work'n woman in the biz up until her untimely pass'n in 2014 at the tender age of 81...JOAN RIVERS in "A PIECE OF WORK" explores her entire career from the triumphants to the tragedies...a true trail blazer gone way before her time

#4...ever wonder about all the shitty shenanigans of the great white way?

in 2007...director DORI BERINSTEIN followed 4 musicals "TABOO" "WICKED" "AVENUE Q" and "CAROLINE FOR CHANGE" up fer musical accolades and all the trials and tribulations that went along with putt'n together a masterpiece fer the masses on Broadway and the razor sharp tongues of the critics in "SHOWBUSINESS"

#3...the queen of the dance floor blew the documentary world away with

her jaw dropp'n behind the scenes look at life on the road and putt'n together her massive BLONDE AMBITION world tour in "TRUTH OR DARE" back in 1991...by 2007 MADONNA had hung up her heels (fer a minute) and had other ambitions by channel'n her career to help rebuild the improvrished tiny town of Malawi Africa with her charity RAISING MALAWI and chronicle'n her quest in "I AM BECAUSE WE ARE"

#2...the 70's were filled with a den of drugs...disco...and deliver me from

evil debauchery...and none was more spectacularly displayed fer view'n audiences than LINDA LOVELACE in "DEEP THROAT"...33 years later in 2005...director FENTON BAILEY dove deep into the back story of the 1st ever full screen theatrical release of the biggest talked about porn movie in american history and lays out how the govenrment desperately tried to control what happened in yer bedroom and what ever happened to the movies infamous star in "INSIDE DEEP THROAT"

#1...though only credited as an executive producer MICHEAL MOORE

rounds out my top 10 docs worth watch'n while yer hunker'n down in yer parents basement...with yer bong and yer bad breath...director JEFF GIBBS explores the the under belly of how the "green deal" IS NOT so green as it's lead you to believe after all in "PLANET OF THE HUMANS"

there ya have it kittens...hopefully one of these were able to trip yer trigger

if not...bite me...and GET OFF MY DRESS!

YOU NEED MOORE!

if there is one thing you seriously need to do before you vote on nov 6th...

whether yer already decided or undecided or don't feel the need to bother...or are just a lobotomized brain dead gimp that believes in the vomit spillage from the mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit currently disgrace'n the oval office...

GO SEE MICHAEL MOORE'S BEYOND BRILLIANT MOVIE...FAHRENHEIT 11/9 now play'n everywhere...

put aside yer political affiliation...

put aside yer religious beliefs...

put aside yer yearly income bracket...

put aside yer hatred fer MICHAEL MOORE...

(even if you NEVER ONCE watched any of his previous brilliant works of cinematography)

do you care about ANYONE opposite yer own race!?

do you care about ANYONE opposite yer sexual taste? 

do you know ANYONE in a lower income bracket than yer own?

do you know ANYONE affected by disease now or in the past?

do you know ANYONE with a child?

do you know ANYONE who is or was a teacher?

can you think of ANYONE besides yerself and yer own personal future?

THIS MOVIE ANSWERS THOSE ?'s

now get off my dress...and go!

dude...where's my car?

thee ONLY reason to ever suffer thru this dreadful hot poker up the jaxie

maryjane induced tragic comedy is becuz of Seann William Scott's scatter-cushioned lips...and his grrrrranimal magnetism...PERIOD!

BUTT...in the end

this sorta made me think of the issues i had a few weeks back that involved my very own shit mobile that was barely hold'n together by duct tape and quite a few hail mary's every time i traveled beyond my safety bubble of my shitbox...(i'm sorry)...i shouldn't be so negative...i meant to say...my quaint lil shit box

i acquired said shit mobile fer a buck after my sibs hadda toss one of our

reclused relatives into a state run shitbox...excuse me...i mean refined raisin ranch...where metamucil parades and Matlock marathons kept him busy fer the better part of the day...after my prior shit mobile was putt'n me into the poor house after 12 years together

flash forward to  2 1/2 years and i decided i no longer desired to turn into

 a puddle every time i took that long ass 2 hr trip back home to Winona...so i decided one early afternoon since i had some free time on my hands...i'd take a road trip and hire my exceptionally mechanically talented nephew to get the air to finally work properly in my mobile

after a few hours tinker'n around with the innards...and roughly $200 later...i FINALLY had air...i can't even describe how elated i was...just close yer eyes and visualize kittens...it felt like i was Han Solo hunt'n fer Skywalker on Hoth...that i almost hadda knit myself a shawl...there was only one prob...i no longer had a horn!

there was absolutely NO WAY i i could live without my precious horn...i mean...i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...i wasn't about to loose my voice when i needed all those saturday nite assholes to get outta my way...when i was doin that drive of shame desperately try'na make it to some Remington party and was gett'n sick of wait'n fer my friend to get her bag of spicy corn nuts and cherry slushie...so it was back to puddle city...and back to the cities

by the time i had arrived back home...it was time to get some groceries...

and don't you hate when this happens to ME...i'm in a rush to get outta my girdle...throw some simple supper together and relax to my sunday nite dvd programm'n and my damn neighbor Gladys had to stop and talk to me about how delish her damn spam casserole surprise was with the Bronstein's over the weekend...

i said "Gladys...i'm glad my recipe helped out and all...but gurl puleez!...it's been a long ass shitty day and my diet pills are start'n to wear off...i just wanna get home...fix me an Ovaltine cocktail and watch me some Trapper John MD season 3...H-E-L-L-O GONZO GATES"

"see you at Bingo next weekend...tah tah!"

well...wouldn't you know it...as i tried reverse'n my shit mobile outta the lot

it decided to go forward! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

after a mini meltdown and 3 ho-ho's later...i decided i had had it with this

piece of shit transport system...that...even if it initially only costed me a very small fortune of 1 crisp benjamin...i had now just sunk $200 in it fer air i would never be able to get comfort from on those long hot summer "indiscretionable" nites...and don't even get me started on the already $1700 i had put into it puke'n on me over the last couple of years...so i knew i would have to break down and find a local mechanic to fix whatever the current issue was...and by morn'n...my trouble weren't ANY better!

though the pork chop at the front counter at the closest station i could find

near me which was in the downtown area of the Minne-Apple...wait'n on me...was pleasantly use'n his comfort'n inside voice and tactics to assure me everything was gonna be ok...i would come to find out 6 hours later there was no way i could smack him cuz he was FULL OF GELATINOUS SHIT!...

try'na tell me there was a leak in my brake line (of which i already informed him of) and cuz my car bein' 1999...that they no longer made brake lines fer that model car...and that they would have to 1st build a mold to pour in the metal then meticulously sculpt it to fit my out of production car...fer the low low price of $2400 and some small pocket change! 

needless to say...i was in zero fucksville central at that very moment in time and decided to look at my other options

after a few more meltdowns at home and 5 ho-ho's boxes later...i decided it was time to explore other options of purchase'n a new vehicular system

of transport...but what would it be?...though Sanford and Son's truck would come in handy when have'n to move my mountains of dvd's and make-up cases...but then i'd be forced to help others...and though i do give to charitable causes whenever i can...i prefer antibiotics to help clear up any confusion

my next thought was...hey...how about somethin' Dixie mobile-ish?...i'd look super cute climb'n outta my jeep in my hysterectomy shorts...but not very practical fer those long winter runs around the park late at nite

i always wanted to ride around in nostalgic style...but i'd go ape shit on the 1st shit head that spilled on my faux leopard interior

then i thought...i needed somethin' that's slick and doesn't seat more than me and my groceries so i no longer hadda be the proverbially free Uber system fer the many freeloaders in town that assume i fill my tank off of my good looks...but then i figer'd K.I.T insurance was gonna cost more than i really wanted to fork out

and as much as a 70's style hotel on wheels would be ideal fer those "sticky" situations at nite...gas ain't cheap!

in the end...i ended up with my nephews girlfriends 2014 outta my 

price range but affordably adjustable dusty dark blue mobile...i believe the technical color term is midnite at the oasis...WITH ARCTIC AIR...that you practically need a down feathered shawl to really appreciate it...

that's all folks!

OH WAID'A'MINUTE...

if there's ONE FILM YOU NEED TO SEE BEFORE NOV 6TH
THIS IS IT!!!...if you wanna premiere screen'n in yer hometown this wed...grab 25 or more of yer friends...click here to find out by sign'n up...TRUST ME...YOU'LL WANT TO fer te sake of the country!

now get off my dress!