picture it kittens...it's 2019 and the much anticipated follow-up to the very
psychologically disturb'n 1980's flick "THE SHINING" titled "DOCTOR SLEEP" was released and i personally was equally (if not more) psychologically exhausted by it
my life at that moment felt like i was starr'n in my very own psychologically
fucked episode of SCHITT'S CREEK without a paddle to direct me to a way out from the disgruntled pelican's i was work'n with at the time
and indie folk singer/song writer and hotter than the flicker'n flames of
H-E-double hockey stix JAY BRANNAN was play'n in heavy rotation on my spotify mix (wish'n i was heavily play'n with his) when i received a text from an unknown number late one nite as i was gett'n ready to wind down ask'n if he could come over since he had gotten off his shift (most likely look'n fer my shaft) at the pizza parlor down the street from me
BUTT...
i wasn't really THAT tired that nite...so i texted back ask'n how he'd gotten
my digits to which he roughly said from chatt'n on-line some time ago so of course curiosity had gotten the better of me though i made it quite clear it was ONLY to meet fer a bit...deactivate'n any thoughts of fornicational titillations that may have been circle'n thru his mind however when he showed up reek'n of pizza sauce and look'n like JAY BRANNAN's twin i was ready to eat him...however...i sustained and we just chitter chatted til the wee hours of the morn'n when he confessed that we had chatted roughly a year prior...
oh really now? i guess after a quick google search of him (that he told me to do most likely to save time from explain'n it fer the umpteenth time) he was incarcerated from some shenanigans shortly after our initial chatter fer a year or so and since i've unfortunately always had a thing fer " bad boys" (well…need i say more?)
listen...i was already in my fabu-less than fortunate 40's and had ended up
feel'n like a giddy goldicocks after fall'n fer my now 3rd chemically dependent hairless bear (hey...i'm no judgemental judy...we've ALL made mistakes in life...i just say learn from em and move on!) the 1st was too manipulative and cold...the 2nd was too hot and needy nonetheless this last one literally seemed just right and i knew i didn't want him fer just "right now" fer some reason...
and i was smitten like an infatuated zombie kitten...kittens...gett'n emotionally invested by date #2 like i hadn't been fer almost 20 years!
he had me doin things that my ghostly white flesh most certainly would'a
disregarded if ANYONE else had requested it...from walk'n around the lakes under the blister'n hot sun parasol free to toss'n a frisbee in a tee in the park to hold'n hands with no worries in the dark
he had begged me not to leave town to Orprahville 2 months in...but as
adorable as he was want'n me to stay...i explained that i had already booked the mini vaca 2 months prior before we ever had met and i was only goin there to try and win free tix to the QUEEN's latest show MADAME X mini wheat tour though he had the option to call or text anytime he felt inclined to...i even offered him to come with me...
but apparently his parole board wouldn't let him leave the state fer 5 years...it was actually nice to feel someone need'n me that much to be honest that i almost was gonna cancel my trip once i made my way thru the complimentary security gates pat down...ALMOST!
2 days later i would return home after have'n an annoy'n time and with no
winn'n M tix in hand but beyond ecstatic to see him again...however...suddenly i felt the winds of change in the air between us...though i decided to throw caution to the non communicative wind and played the proverbial game of "WTF?" fer a few more weeks until i needed the unanswered...finally answered
so after play'n text tag back and forth we decided to take what i knew was
the gonna be the final walk around the lake after he told me to meet him there even though he reluctantly decided to pick me up after much of my persistent persuasion
after the painful walk around the lake talk'n about nothing relevant at all
i was gifted with the tired worn out "we'll still do stuff together" passage from the book of "how to feel guilt free and still full of shit fer dummies" cuz i've heard that worn out dance tune played before...apparently this was just one of those 12 bitter steps in recovery he hadda say fer himself...how to be an asshole without even try'n and to his credit perhaps it was fer his own recovery (i'll never know) trust me...i get it! no one EVER wants to be THE ONE to say it (well accept me...i won't pull on loose strings assume'n the other will figer it out on their own) but serious at a certain age...just grow some damn cahoonah's!
after replay'n where it all went wrong in my head fer roughly far too long
than i ever had with anyone in the past...i arose from my coffin after a rough week and had to see if it was worth pursuing any further so i decided to contact a real professional fer some real cosmic advice
know'n that open'n this pandora box was goin to be an emotional mistake fer me...EH!
after hunt'n down a pinch of bat wing...some spicy hamburger helper and
a remnant of somethin' that belonged to him personally (luckily i still had that underwear i had ripped off him a month earlier...umm FYI...don't ask!) the spell was cast and i was given specific instructions to say a few poetic phrases out loud to myself in private and light a candle then proceed to watch as it flickered and flailed until it burnt out completely on it's very own
any reputable psychologist or 3rd grader fer that matter...would'a thought
that i had gone completely batshit insane...try'n to cast a spell on some long lost short lived dead affair (an emotionally self inflicted coup d'état one might say) NONETHELESS...there i was plastered on my couch...
like an overindulgent display of some haplessness slug monster with the tv on mute literally watch'n the flames of my sanity flicker back and forth...dread'n to leave the live'n room in fear that i might miss the flame go out so no matter where i went in my quaint little shitbox...
even when mother nature came a call'n...that damn candle would be right by my side...
until it finally bid me adieu 1 1/2 days later (and yes there is no over nite under eye cream that was gonna rid me of those emotional shopp'n bags that i would unfortunately acquire due to the lack of sleep so of course i would hibernate fer another day)
oddly enough...i would receive a text from him on the follow'n day...so i
guess said spell had indeed done it's intended purpose...though really...was it all worth it in the end? it wasn't as if it was some sorta affirmation of affection fer me...just a simple non sentimental handout that somehow still had me think'n there was some sorta hope fer even a simple meaningless friendship like he said though as time marched on and COVID had shut the planet down...i had banned any and all astrological signs and online daily affirmations from my psyche cuz i realized i was worth a helluva lot more than putt'n myself thru yet another candle in the wind...cuz really...in the end...hadn't i been burnt enough i thought to myself
to sum it up...this would not be turn'n into the DAVID/PATRICK conclusion
that i recently rewatched...nonetheless after many season changes since then i had exercised my demons and moved beyond him even as a pass'n thought (well except fer my cell remind'n me of his bday in july which i finally deleted & a lil holiday meme) then outta the blue the other nite he showed up in a dream surrounded by kids on a beach and ask'n me if i missed him?
HA...if i missed him? (no decipher'n needed)
ummm i've only had dreams of certain people that have been very close
to me that are no longer able to borrow me a cup of sugar!
alas...thanx to JAY BRANNAN...i had found our song that sums it all up...PLUS...
i've always believed in karmic chameleon retribution!
i do not wish him any harm and have flushed his feelin's down the drain
much like he did mine years ago and moved on from consider'n him anything more than just a mere moment in time fer my blog...now just GET OFF MY DRESS!
