little bird

stop your screaming

little bird

the signs up ahead

do not disturb

emotionally delayed

a moment in time

the stars kept on falling

your dreams all unwind

the flood gates keep opening

your thoughts keep on turning

a cold winter nite

the memory...still burning

pull down the shutters

i need to rest

little bird fly away

i'll do my best

for Sean

DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN STILL!

kittens...i have to admit it...i have a serious drug problem...

that i've been hooked on fer the better part of 30 years...ever since i was an angst riddled teenager...at the ripe and tender age of 13...to the mature...down right fab-u-less...internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i've become...at almost 43...barely stand'n before you

let me explain...

one of the very few books i ever read as an angst riddled teenager...

was the life lessons i learned in "The Luck of Pokey Bloom"...by Ellen Conford...all the way from beginn'n to end

the gist of the story was about an 11 year old contest junkie whore who
entered as many as she could in hopes to strike it rich someday...and not have to rely on the government checks...pimps or find'n some lead singer with toe jam issues to take care of her...like the rest of her girlfriends no doubt would end up doin...(from what i recall)

by the end of the story she had all but been strung out and rode high...from the paper cuts and arthritic medication she now was on from all the forms she had filled out...and right as the book came to a close...the very last contest she entered...unfolded like the end'n to the Soprano's

well minus the mafia gangs and 1 gun tote'n killer...but the reader is left with their own imagination...as to the luck of the 11 year old contest junkie whore

i couldn't take it...i had widdled my fingernails down to stumps...but i took off where the book ended!

anytime Madonna had a contest to win somethin that she was part of...i had my name entered in it...in hopes to feel vindicated fer waste'n my time on that stupid book that eventually would turn me into a contest junkie whore of my own!

i remember the first bein' the "Make My Video" contest in 1986...where each contestant had to submit their craptastic interpretational video of...

"TRUE BLUE"

followed by Mtv's "VOGUE" contest...where participants had to submit a video show'n their best VOGUE moves

from magazines...to in store fill-out forms...to online questionnaires...

if there was a chance to work fer the QUEEN...

even if it meant wash'n her shit shorts on a daily basis...i was all over it!

but entry after entry...my name was never called...

that is...UNTIL A COUPLE OF WEEKS BACK!

i was cruise'n down the informational highway one afternoon and came across not 1...but 2 contests related to the QUEEN....1st was to be a back ground body in her work out ADDICTED TO SWEAT...and the 2nd was to be at the premiere of  her sold out MDNA concert tour documentary in the BIG APPLE...along with $1000 shopp'n spree and hotel...i mean who wouldn't?

after enter'n fer about 5 days straight...i gave up on it and went to THE BIG APPLE on my own...and never thought about it again...as i figered nothin' was gonna ever come of it

THAT IS...until a week after i arrived back home

i was check'n my electronical mail and received the follow'n...

i need a defibrillator stat!...outta the 1000's that had entered...i couldn't believe it...I WAS FINALLY 1 OF THE CHOSEN ONES!

as i was gett'n ready to count sheep that nite...it hit me like a ton of bricks

i felt like i had just been smacked up side the skull by a 2x4 of reality...

and spinn'n outta control up into some tornado of disbelief!

i had less than 24 hrs to decide...

how would i make my way back to the BIG APPLE on such short notice?

BEG? BORROW? STEAL?...hmmm?

there was very few options left...and even fewer responses to my request that i sent out that day...(a million thanx to the 3 that did actually offer me peace of mind...but i couldn't accept it) but if i had to find a silver line'n in all of this pressure...is that it will definitely make my christmas card list ALOT smaller this year

i had a handful haters of course...tell'n me i can't dance...

without even realize'n that this WAS NOT a dance competition...and then there were those who chose not to even grasp the full extent of the email all together...by throw'n it in their circulatory file immediately

it was pointless to try and sing a melodic overture...

i just hadda get there any way i knew possible...no matter what!

so i thought of my only option that i had goin fer me...

i just had to make sure i had enough spermicidal jams and jellies...and a few antibiotics readily available just in case

by sunrise...i felt like i was finally over the proverbial rainbow...

only this time...instead of bein' greeted by vibrant greenery...the lollipop guild

and some pageant junkie past her sell-by-date with an addiction to quaaludes...

i was greeted by transients...pimps...ladies and gentle ladies of the nite...

OH MY!...but it felt so good to be home...even if it was only temporary

so there i was...back in NY...feverishly wait'n in line with the other handful of hopefuls that were plucked from obscurity for round 1 of the try-outs...

it was another humid day...but i was read to give it my all...as i had already bathed myself in calgon's cool bouquet...with cucumber slices on my eyes that morn'n...just so i would look devistate'nly refreshed

one by one...we were let in like cattle to be taught the work-out routine then brought back single file in groups of 10...to repeat what we'd just

learned...high jumps...twists and turns...you had to be on mark fer every move...and though i fumbled a couple times...i was sure i would get my golden ticket to make it back to round 2 later that nite

i sized up the competition from left to right...it was definitely not gonna be an easy ride...i won't lie...the crowd looked fierce...but then i remembered

SO DID I!
as they had obviously hand picked picked me from 1000's of other applicants as well...one of the judge's even suedo gloated about my entrance photo durin' the Q&A portion of the competition...but i remained calm

after my strenuous work-out...and dripp'n like a prostitute on prozac...

i decided to take in the fresh air of Central Park...since i had already give'n my knee caps a run fer their money...

while i was try'n to earn some MAD-MONEY fer myself

just remember...fer those who were asked fer a hand-out but didn't...

 donate...it's all yer FAULT!

but the vigorous work-out got the better of me half way thru the park...

and decided to give my incredibly bubblicious A double snakes a mini siesta before tonite's round 2 decision

by 9 pm...i had made my way back to the studio...

and was greeted by the trainer...but i would receive no golden ticket...just a simple handshake of hope

now i'll never meet the QUEEN!

although i was a bit disappointed i wouldn't be continue'n on...

 i would have ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS!

later that nit... check'n on my flight itinerary...i received the follow'n:

invite'n me back as a thank you...with the entire cast of hopefuls and winners...to participate in the audience on Good Morn'n America on friday morn'n to the work-out routine

only prob was...i had booked my flight to leave early that friday...and i didn't have it in my knee caps to try and search fer any more funds to change my flight time...so unfortunately...i hadda bow outta the GMA

tape'n that fri morn'n...but i had felt like one of the many nominee's (thanx to my knee's)...that always loose out to Meryl Streep every Oscar season...
"it was just nice to to be nominated!"

by thurs nite after walk'n in circles all day...i figered a way to be at the premiere of her MDNA concert documentary at the Paris Theater...even if it was to only stand on the other side of the "don't feed the stalkers" rope

the QUEEN looked every bit of perfection as she always does...

give'n tribute to yet another QUEEN from the yester years of the big screen

i couldn't believe it...after 30 long years...

i was FINALLY gonna meet...MADONNA!

or at the very least...be able to breath in her essence

i was live'n my dream...that felt just like a dream...

and i wasn't ready to wake up from it anytime soon...

but then i did!

and even though there was no one there to greet me with their molesterary smiles...i couldn't believe what  just happened...it all seemed sooo unreal...

did this REALLY happen?

once i got my equilibrium back on track...i realized...

it was just that...OR WAS IT?

check out who M is check'n out at the 30 second mark...

and get off my dress!

the BIG ROTTEN APPLE pt. 2

last week on GET OFF MY DRESS

waid'a'minute!...recap it yerself lazy...ain't nobody got time fer that!

and now...the nasal drip conclusion of "the BIG ROTTEN APPLE"

after gett'n the text for directions to Jackson's...i hopped in the 1st cab i could and as i made my way thru the concrete jungle of the BIG APPLE...

i was sweat'n like a priest on the playground...

a short ride later i made my way to the pizza joint next to Jackson's...

in Hell's Kitchen

and much to my surprise that i invented in my head earlier...thankfully...there was no peg legged guy humm'n "like a bridge over troubled waters"...

although ASIA'S "heat of the moment" would've been acceptable

as i was buzzed into Jackson's lair...and made way up the stairs...i was glad i got in my work-out the nite before and  left my manolo's at home...as he was on the top floor of the non elevated build'n...cuz i was carry'n a bag of dramarama and my get-away closet just to get to my final destination

but i didn't care...i was in New York again...after a 3 year hiatus...

and in desperate need to get my Carrie on

i opened the door and was greeted by a pile of black 4 legged fluffiness...

Truman (insert awwwww's here)

and his master...Jackson

 Mr. Jackson...if i'm nasty!

it was a relief to finally attach a physical body to all those eletronical notes after all this time...plus the 1st time i EVER flew to meet someone outta my comfort zone...that i've never met...and i wasn't dissapointed!

after the proverbial meditation and chatter...i marinated my...

supple and tender milky white skin...from head to toe in 1000% sun block and we took Truman and our tired asses out fer walk

the air was filled with the pungent fresh scent of urination and pizza sauce

and of course you can't be in the BIG APPLE and NOT take a stroll thru Central Park

after a jaunty lil stroll and play'n leap frog from tree shadow to tree shadow under the scorch'n sun...we decided our throats were in desperate need of refreshments in the form of alcohol...so off to a neighboorhood lezbitronic bar fer some quench'n cocktails to wet our whistles

shortly after our drunkfest...it was off to the East Village...

to one of my fav-o-rit stores...TRASH and VAUDVILLE

my hooves forgave me for wear'n them out and desperately deserved somethin' new...but unfortunately...my piggy bank wasn't as forgive'n...

so my lil piggy's cried why?why?WHY?...and went home empty hooved

later that eve'nin we met up with some of Jackson's friends...

at the 9th Avenue Saloon with a bunch of other non commital alchoholic non heterosexuals...who were ready to commited to the best they knew how...fer at least the next 60 minutes

arrive'n back home...i kicked off my heels...give'n my back a full range of motion...as recommended by marie clare magazine...and removed what lil make-up i was wear'n with my estee lauder make-up remover samples as my free gift without purchase from my good friend Christine

what i thought was just gonna be a breathier...ended up turn'n into a plethra of reality mush marathons til the wee hours of the morn'n...

i know what yer thinkn'n...sat nite?...NEW YORK CITY?...and i'm turn'n into a couch potatoe?...not by choice mind you...but i just go with the flow and didn't wanna rock any boats...as i was a guest after all...but it didn't REALLY put me off  THAT MUCH...really!...

i was start'n to feel like a worn out hooker on a holiday...minus of course...all the sweaty jack hammer action i'm used to when i'm on vacation

the follow'n day we tried gett'n our hands on tickets to see...

the 6 time Tony Award winn'n musical "KINKY BOOTS"

written by the brilliant Harvey Fierstein and the musical genius of Cyndi Lauper

unfortunately...we couldn't get any deals to the show so we ended up mindlessly just walk'n and shopp'n and decided to go see Star Trek 3D...

instead later in the day...as mother nature already planned on bake'n the city into crispy critters once again

the movie wouldn't start fer another 4 hours...so we took a detour...

to my friend Adrian's who was host'n a grill-out...at his shitbox in Harlem...

hey it's Harlem...it's wasn't heaven on 5th

he was a gracious host though...as was his roomies and a couple of their other friends that joined in...just a simple relax'n time with an old friend...

and new ones in the blister'n sun...and with free cocktails and nibbley's to boot...FINALLY...somethin' i could afford

a short time later it was off to the movie...

and outside the theater...can you believe it?...6 times to NY...and this was my very 1st dog

(that was edible fer consumption anyways)

we made it to the movie with seconds to spare...and with the price of $21.50...the movie was just that...an expensive nap...as my narcolepsy kicked into over drive pretty much as soon as the lights went down...

head'n home...i received a text from my long distance good friend...

or as good a as a long distance friend can be that you hadda pay to become friends with

(that was worth every penny )

 the one and only...SHERRY VINE

(well she was in cognito that nite as Keith)

ask'n me to join her at...

"THERAPY"

i was in desperate need to rub shoulders with the "who's who of the who's still breath'n on a sunday nite"...and figered i needed a lil therapy on the rocks myself...i said WHY NOT!...so i put on my cha cha heels

Jackson passed since he hadda work the next morn'n...but i was ready to tear up the town...or at best...at least put a dent in it!

tonite's festivities was hosted by none other than the hysterical...

RANDY RAINBOW and his co-hort in crime ROXY BROOKS

me and Sherry kicked off our heels and kicked back the cocktails...and had a good ole time in the BIG APPLE...play'n broadway bingo...golden girls trivia and what's that diva think'n?...i was always 1 or 2 punch holes away from gett'n my hole punched...

but i finally ended up winn'n in the "what's that diva think?" game

with the clock tick'n like a time bomb...i immidiately put my hand on the buzzer...that wasn't really there...and as Randy roamed thru the lush crowd...to our table...i answered "KRISTIN CHENOWETH?"...the crowd in my head went crazy with cheers as they jumped to their feet...and i graciously bowed to them over and over again

then i remembered...i was at a bar...not on BROADWAY...eh!...who cares... I WON!!!

so of course...think'n i had hit the state lotto that even'n...i wanted to buy the bar a round...and immediately book an appointment to cap my incisors that have been bug'n me fer years...but it turns out i hadda pick from the pile of crap left over from someone's garage sale...

so i opted fer the CARRIE musical soundtrack...eh...why not! a win is a win right?

as me and Sher (i feel we've bonded enough at this point to shorten her name) chugged our last pre coital...non sexual...non heterosexual cocktail...we made our way to the front door and across the street...only to be greeted by the jolly green giant empty'n his gigantor bladder upon our heads

since we're both were made of sugar...and didn't wanna melt...we quickly made it across the street to some awn'n to wait out the trenchel down pour...but after about 10 minutes of cower'n...we decided to pop into a bar next to us fer a breather...and by breather i mean intoxication in a glass

a short while later...Sherry braved the elements outside...while i braved the elements inside...and of course...bein' left to defend fer myself all alone...

it wouldn't take long before some toad with a hairlip...who just got of his shift at "meals on wheels"...to try and butter my incredibly tight bubble A double snakes with his unscoped breath...and though i don't wanna out him via photo in case you know...he was married or worse yet...a POLITICIAN...
suffice it to say...this guy couldn't get lucky with a bag of banana's at a monkey whore house...so i figered FINE...this'll be my charitable act of the week...but after a few free cocktails...he wasn't all that bad...sorta charm'n in a way

after about an hour i realized it was time fer me to turn into a pumpkin...

and turn my charitable act into a beautiful nightmare...so i said goodbye to Admiral Akbar...and hurried home to scrub my drunken concious clean

by morn'n...i felt like i could squeeze my brain out fer just enough to fill a martini glass...so while Jackson was at work...i feverishly worked on my blog due that day 

before i hadda meet my friendly non heterosexual stalker Michael...in SoHo...with some HoMo...fer nibbley's and intoxication

to me...food is food...and i could care less where i get it when on vacation...
but durin' this trip...less was more my style...so of course we ended up...

 at an all organic eatery called...ABC!

just cuz some famous "FRIENDS" star and her current squeeze were photographed there last week in some crappy paps rag apparently

but to be honest...i'da been more impressed if it were one or all the 4 members of  "WILL and GRACE" instead

although the joint was very crisp and clean in appearance...and did have that "look" about it...ya know...like where you would take a mistress you were bang'n and didn't want anyone to know about it...unless you tipped off the paps...but i could tell this place couldn't have been further from my EBT card lifestyle at the moment...and with all the white walls and non paper linen...

i felt like i should be bounce'n balls off the walls

i nearly needed a defibulator when i seen the menu...but zipped my lip and enjoyed the company the best way i knew how...by ignore'n them with mindless chatter about myself...

while very s-l-o-w-l-y sipp'n on a half assed bloody mary...which should'a been just called just a spicey blood clot it was so damn thick and miss'n too much intoxicational fluids

i had been in the joint fer over an hour and didn't spot ONE celebrity...

that is until i went into the restroom...and looked in the mirror...THANK CHER i showed up!

by the time the bill arrived...so did i...almost!...3 slices of leafy shreds on goat cheese with a basket of fries and a blood clot in a glass...$51?...(which really should been at least $20 less since i had figered out my portion) but my stalker's friend decided to split the bill evenly amongst us 3...which pretty much meant he hadn't received his EBT card in the mail yet...WHATEVER!

i already know what yer think'n lincoln...

time fer a potty/smokey treat break...this is unbelievable

but no worries...i swear it's almost over...

and i'm almost over YOU!

continue'n on...

i get it...it's new york...and if i can't open my mouth i get what i deserve...i should'a just stuck with my original plan and feed my soul...

at my 2nd all time fav-o-rit store...PATRICIA FIELDS

which i never found after gett'n lost in the under ground tunnels...so i just head'd home to wait fer Jackson

later that nite...i took Jackson out to some lil mexicana joint across the street to thank him fer his hospitality...and while we wait'n fer dinner...

i spotted NY staple...gossip guru Michael Musto...peddle'n thru the streets of Hell's Kitchen...cool!

after we finished...i told Jackson to come with on my last nite...

to see SHERRY VINE perform live at THERAPY...and trust me when i say...this gurl can TURN IT OUT...she's a total scream

and i don't mean that in a Freddrick Krueger kinda way

that nite was the priemere of Sherry's hit variety show...

SHE'S LIVING FOR THIS

across the bar i noticed the gossip guru again...

i wanted proof fer my friend Jess back home that we met...but with my dino cell and low light'n in the joint...i couldn't muster up enough energy to make my way thru the crowd to turn into some japanese tourist

Jackson didn't last that long as he had work in the morn'n...

i stayed til the end...but by morn'n i was ready to be back in the comforts of my Minne-Apple

even if there was no "Mr. Jackson if i'm nasty" senario's...mainly due to mother nature's insistance on turn'n up the heat...render'n my pollination processes inability to compete in the sweat olympics...

and though there was no huge Chuck Woolery moment between me and Jackson...i would definitely go on another date with him...i even invited him to the Minne-Apple to return the favor...but haven't reallly gotten a response...YET!

maybe we're were more like Mr. Big and Carrie circa season 3...

still try'n to figer the whole thing out...stay tuned!

now get off mydress