Monday, July 1, 2013

DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN STILL!

kittens...i have to admit it...i have a serious drug problem...
that i've been hooked on fer the better part of 30 years...ever since i was an angst riddled teenager...at the ripe and tender age of 13...to the mature...
down right fab-u-less...internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i've become...at almost 43...barely stand'n before you

let me explain...

one of the very few books i ever read as an angst riddled teenager...
was the life lessons i learned in "The Luck of Pokey Bloom"...by Ellen Conford...all the way from beginn'n to end

the gist of the story was about an 11 year old contest junkie whore who
entered as many as she could in hopes to strike it rich someday...and not have to rely on the government checks...pimps or find'n some lead singer with toe jam issues to take care of her...like the rest of her girlfriends no doubt would end up doin...(from what i recall)
by the end of the story she had all but been strung out and rode high...from the paper cuts and arthritic medication she now was on from all the forms she had filled out...and right as the book came to a close...the very last contest she entered...unfolded like the end'n to the Soprano's
well minus the mafia gangs and 1 gun tote'n killer...but the reader is left with their own imagination...as to the luck of the 11 year old contest junkie whore

i couldn't take it...i had widdled my fingernails down to stumps...but i took off where the book ended!

anytime Madonna had a contest to win somethin that she was part of...i had my name entered in it...in hopes to feel vindicated fer waste'n my time on that stupid book that eventually would turn me into a contest junkie whore of my own!

i remember the first bein' the "Make My Video" contest in 1986...where each contestant had to submit their craptastic interpretational video of her hit...

followed by Mtv's "VOGUE" contest...where participants had to submit a video show'n their best VOGUE moves

from magazines...to in store fill-out forms...to online questionnaires...

if there was a chance to work fer the QUEEN...
even if it meant wash'n her shit shorts on a daily basis...i was all over it!

but entry after entry...my name was never called...
that is...UNTIL A COUPLE OF WEEKS BACK!

i was cruise'n down the informational highway one afternoon and came across not 1...but 2 contests related to the QUEEN....1st was to be a back ground body in her work out ADDICTED TO SWEAT...and the 2nd was to be at the premiere of  her sold out MDNA concert tour documentary in the BIG APPLE...along with $1000 shopp'n spree and hotel...i mean who wouldn't?

after enter'n fer about 5 days straight...i gave up on it and went to THE BIG APPLE on my own...and never thought about it again...as i figered nothin' was gonna ever come of it

THAT IS...until a week after i arrived back home

i was check'n my electronical mail and received the follow'n...
i need a defibrillator stat!...outta the 1000's that had entered...i couldn't believe it...I WAS FINALLY 1 OF THE CHOSEN ONES!

as i was gett'n ready to count sheep that nite...it hit me like a ton of bricks...
i felt like i had just been smacked up side the skull by a 2x4 of reality...
and spinn'n outta control up into some tornado of disbelief!

i had less than 24 hrs to decide...
how would i make my way back to the BIG APPLE on such short notice?

BEG? BORROW? STEAL?...hmmm?

there was very few options left...and even fewer responses to my request that i sent out that day...(a million thanx to the 3 that did actually offer me peace of mind...but i couldn't accept it) but if i had to find a silver line'n in all of this pressure...is that it will definitely make my christmas card list ALOT smaller this year

i had a handful haters of course...tell'n me i can't dance...
without even realize'n that this WAS NOT a dance competition...and then there were those who chose not to even grasp the full extent of the email all together...by throw'n it in their circulatory file immediately

it was pointless to try and sing a melodic overture...
i just hadda get there any way i knew possible...no matter what!

so i thought of my only option that i had goin fer me...
i just had to make sure i had enough spermicidal jams and jellies...and a few antibiotics readily available just in case

by sunrise...i felt like i was finally over the proverbial rainbow...
only this time...instead of bein' greeted by vibrant greenery...the lollipop guild
and some pageant junkie past her sell-by-date with an addiction to quaaludes...

i was greeted by transients...pimps...ladies and gentle ladies of the nite...
OH MY!...but it felt so good to be home...even if it was only temporary

so there i was...back in NY...feverishly wait'n in line with the other handful of hopefuls that were plucked from obscurity for round 1 of the try-outs...
it was another humid day...but i was read to give it my all...as i had already bathed myself in calgon's cool bouquet...with cucumber slices on my eyes that morn'n...just so i would look devistate'nly refreshed

one by one...we were let in like cattle to be taught the work-out routine...then brought back single file in groups of 10...to repeat what we'd just learned...
high jumps...twists and turns...you had to be on mark fer every move...and though i fumbled a couple times...i was sure i would get my golden ticket to make it back to round 2 later that nite

i sized up the competition from left to right...it was definitely not gonna be an easy ride...i won't lie...the crowd looked fierce...but then i remembered...
SO DID I!
as they had obviously hand picked picked me from 1000's of other applicants as well...one of the judge's even suedo gloated about my entrance photo durin' the Q&A portion of the competition...but i remained calm

after my strenuous work-out...and dripp'n like a prostitute on prozac...
i decided to take in the fresh air of Central Park...since i had already give'n my knee caps a run fer their money...

while i was try'n to earn some MAD-MONEY fer myself

just remember...fer those who were asked fer a hand-out but didn't donate...
it's all yer FAULT!

but the vigorous work-out got the better of me half way thru the park...
and decided to give my incredibly bubblicious A double snakes a mini siesta before tonite's round 2 decision

by 9 pm...i had made my way back to the studio...
and was greeted by the trainer...but i would receive no golden ticket...just a simple handshake of hope
now i'll never meet the QUEEN!

although i was a bit disappointed i wouldn't be continue'n on...
 i would have ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS!

later that nite as i was check'n on my flight itinerary...i received the follow'n:
invite'n me back as a thank you...with the entire cast of hopefuls and winners...to participate in the audience on Good Morn'n America on friday morn'n to the work-out routine

only prob was...i had booked my flight to leave early that friday...and i didn't have it in my knee caps to try and search fer any more funds to change my flight time...so unfortunately...i hadda bow outta the GMA tape'n that fri morn'n
but i had felt like one of the many nominee's (thanx to my knee's)...that always loose out to Meryl Streep every Oscar season...
"it was just nice to to be nominated!"

by thurs nite after walk'n in circles all day...i figered a way to be at the premiere of her MDNA concert documentary at the Paris Theater...even if it was to only stand on the other side of the "don't feed the stalkers" rope
the QUEEN looked every bit of perfection as she always does...

give'n tribute to yet another QUEEN from the yester years of the big screen

i couldn't believe it...after 30 long years...
i was FINALLY gonna meet...MADONNA!
or at the very least...be able to breath in her essence

i was live'n my dream...that felt just like a dream...
and i wasn't ready to wake up from it anytime soon...

but then i did!
and even though there was no one there to greet me with their molesterary smiles...i couldn't believe what  just happened...it all seemed sooo unreal...
did this REALLY happen?

once i got my equilibrium back on track...i realized...
it was just that...OR WAS IT?

check out who M is check'n out at the 30 second mark...
and get off my dress!












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