fair enough?

whadda weekend it was try'n recapture my fade'n youth as much as i

 could...before i gotta start pack'n it in...and if i'm lucky enough...get to enjoy 3 serve'ns of lime jell-o a day at the raisin ranch while i get a complimentary sponge bath by some prune pervie with a nervous tick after my bingo and Matlock marathons

though i hadda over the top look ready to construct fer the fair...it's fair 

enough to say...since mother nature decided to fuck up my plans...i opted fer a less than stellar but apparently an equally controversial conversation piece..cuz i ended up gett'n accosted at the MN state fair by some saturated fat and wal-mart runway beauty who simply asked me "WHY?"...i simply replied "WHY NOT"...before i went into some spastic rage and kicked her in the kitty box...luckily i had my security detail with me to hold me back

the Thompson Twin...Tom Bailey...surprised me how good he was live...

and it was nice to see him help'n out fellow 80's gals Banarama as his back'n band (or the equivalent looks of them anyways)...B52's blew me away...(unlike my last date) but of course the pinnacle of the even'n was see'n CULTURE CLUB (fer the 6th time)...and as always they DID NOT disappoint!

by the time i had soaked the entire nite in...and started count'n sheep...

it was already "time to make the donuts" once again...UGH!...well by that...i mean head to the library to write this blog before my clan of kittens...from each corner of the globe...catstrate me fer not post'n on the recommended monday deadline...cuz i had just left my current last job recently after a gruel'n period of wasted time 

CALGON...take me AWAAAAAAAAAAY!

hey...i was desperately seeking Susan somethin' different...so i knew there was only ONE THING TO DO!

after 8 1/2 inches days of invites to the donut trough...pizza parties and zombie induced meet'ns...i decided the time had come to turn a page...

so i threw caution to the wind...(and whatever his name was my dignity out the door) and decided to shed myself of the corporate chains that have been choke'n the life outta me fer the better part of these 8 1/2 days
(it's never the good 8 1/2 either...is it kittens?)

so by the weekend it was time to recapture the rest of my youth with new old friends and some older old friends at 3 different destinations...i thought to myself..i said self...you can do this...menage 'a trois starts with 3...and you never had problems work'n yer way around them in the past...

so off i began!

1st stop was my dear friend Peetrinella's b'day bash fer lil ol me...

which unfortunately didn't come complete with some monstrous eyesore bouncy kingdom that i would'a preferred...but let's be real kittens...those are nothing but a palace of pink eye...filled with snot noses and chocolate covered phalange imprints...so it's good Peetrinella was think'n out fer my health

though i thought i called ahead to make sure and swore i heard that there was one present at my arrival to escort me into the premises...how surprised was i to find out that once i got there...there was NO security or even the slightest hint of a roped off section fer ME...

and despite the presence of some pre adults present...who...in this day and age...has a damn labor day backyard party without a stripper?...you got yer braces off...I GAVE YOU A STRIPPER!!...Peetrinella we really need'a have a sit down and talk about how to plan a proper backyard surprise bday grill out party so this embarrassment doesn't happen again...kapeesh?

though the nite was disappear'n rapidly...i didn't want it to go down on me

well at least not until i soaked in some jean nate' after bath body splash 1st...besides...the cath-o-lick priests cornered that market already...so it was off to my destination #2

#2 destination was back to my sister-n-law's house where my brother

lives...to spend some really good quality time together with the fam...on each of our cells...oh how presh these unkodak moments will be to remember!

fer once i'd like to come back and be completely caught off guard but pleasantly surprised that i would be judge'n some hot bod contest...as it should be...i mean i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...

BUTT alas...i become delusional once again...DAMMIT!

(i'm sense'n a pattern here...aren't you?) 

i shouldn't have to order stock in blue hair rinse and bingo cards yet...fer fucks sake...

i wanna be like Tawny Kitaen in that Whitesnake video with my hair whipp'n in the wind at 65 mph...i'm only gonna be 48 dammit!

where was i?...oh yea..by morn'n i was off to #3...the Minne-Apple

to get ready fer the fair...fair enough?...now get off my dress!

a STATE of a FAIR

i can't remember it as if it were a time and place i had been to...well mainly

 cuz i wasn't even a blip on the radar with concerns to any of the live'n at that moment in time...bein' my dad was only 6 dur'in that year and my mom wouldn't even be a pass'n thought fer another 11 years...but oh what a time i'm sure it was fer the all locals to gather together...fill'n up their bottomless pits full of anything they could get their deep fried fingers on and gaze in disbelief...

much like many of the lobotomized brain dead gimps watch'n their mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit sink'n like the titanic on FAUX SNEWZ...on  the many oddities they've never seen before...like...

Myrtle and Ernest Wattumbach of Zumbrota, MN...show'n off their prized radioactive pet goldfish they had shipped over...via the zeplin...from Nagasaki Japan

or the beautifully pain stake'n saturated fat sculptures made by the hands of the good CASPER fear'n folks at Our Lady of Fantastic Debauchery all the way from McIntosh, MN

while parents would sufficiently stuff the stomachs of their lil clan of ungrateful off-springs full of cotton candy...fried cantaloupe and sugar dipped sardines on a stick...then ship em off to enjoy the high fly'n death spinner 500 feet into the air

flash forward to 80 years later and things haven't changed much...well...

with the exception of some of the lil bratty barf bags from the 1938 crowd that ain't kick'n up daises just yet...the rest of the fair goers will never get to experience the universally accomplished and world's most famous gender bend'n...beyond absofuckinglutely sing'n sensations of one BOY GEORGE and his equally talented band mates of the famous band CULTURE CLUB

in all their glory fer their "LIFE TOUR" this upcome'n labor day weekend at the MN State Fair...mon sept 3rd
buy yer tix here

in support of their new cd "LIFE" due out oct 26...pre-order yer copy here (that's like under 2 months from this week...couldn't you just die!!!)

sorry that's what my 13 year old spastic self would'a said...though i still am 13 at heart when it comes to anything that's new from these jolly ol' chaps

if you can't wait...(cuz ya know i can't) you can listen here to their brand spank'n new...reggae infused glorious debut of their 1st smash hit together in 20 years with "LET SOMEBODY LOVE YOU"

but not only do you get to stroll down memory lane with CULTURE CLUB

act today and you also get to hear the whimsically wacky melodies of thee best back-watered bayou band from Athens, Georgialicious...the B-52's...(which will be the 1st time i ever seen them live...so i'm completely beyond excited)...

BUTT...that's all...NOT!

you also get to hear the post punk synth sounds of 1/2 the THOMPSON TWINS...TOM BAILEY

i can barely contain myself kittens!

fer tix to other dates across the US & Canada click here...and to all my

 kittens across the pond...you lucked out...cuz join'n CULTURE CLUB on the european leg of their "LIFE TOUR" is the infectiously sooth'n sounds of GO-GO's front woman and animal activist BELINDA CARLISLE...get yer tix here

well...time to whip up a look fer the fair...so get off my dress!

the apprentice

just like that famous story line of a young Skywalker who was taught

the ways of the force from that 900 year old lil rott'n carcass of old man flap named YODA...to fight the forces of evil hidden thru-out the universe and beyond...well...mainly cuz of his dead beat dad who refused to make a single child support payment since his birth...

and ended up leave'n his uncle Owen & aunt Beru in the poorhouse to raise young Skywalker on Tatooine fer years on their barely there salary from sell'n power converters at the Tosche Station cuz of all the used droids they bought kept break'n down from the gangs of mini grim reapers...simply known as Jawa's...

BUTT...lets back it up a bit...

3 years earlier...he [Vader] had given the "orders" to his henchmen and his poor relatives ended up as crispy critters on the Tatooine desert one afternoon when Luke was out join ride'n with his newly purchased mechanical slaves

 though Luke wanted to desperately learn the ways of the force...he learned thru his train'n that he was just fight'n with himself...and hadda move on

3 years later...Vader did his damnedest to try and make up fer lost time by try'na persuade the much younger apprentice to join him by his side or cut off all contact and any future support payments

that is...until Luke decided not to play by his rules anymore

and 3 years later Vader would learn that paybacks are a bitch!

to quote that famous line by one Oscar Wilde...who was persecuted fer his

non heterosexuality in 1895..."life imitates art"...though if he were around today...he would be sing'n a different tune...(well cuz of the wide variety of profalactics and spermicidal jams and jellys that are readily available at yer local CVS)...i mean he'd probably be quoted as say'n "art is imitate'n life"

kittens...there are not too many people in the enterpainment industry...

that are able to pull off bein mononymously (or fer you brain dead sodomites)...that means bein fabulously famous by only goin by yer 1st name...like MADONNA or CHER... 

BUTT...(hey just make'n sure yer pay'n attention)

fame whore only known as OMAROSA.....is prove'n her bite is 100 times worse more than her bark and will not be ignored!

let's start from the start...shall we kittens?

in the 1990's...the big O worked in the offices of one vice prez Al Gore

who later was fired fer not take'n direction well...and basically just bein a major pain in the A double snakes apparently

desperately seek'n more attention and a bigger paycheck than before...

the big O's luck started to pay off when she was cast to appear on the 1st season of that mundane reality series that was run initially by our current mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit and universal fuckmuppet in 2004...i will admit...she was thee only reason to tune in week after week just to watch her as she dropped her balls and sharpened her claws on anyone that tried to cross her path (though after 1st season...i had had enough of her and that pre-mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit and universal fuckmuppet anyways)

pegged the villain of the show...the big O just seen herself as bein a very 

shrewd business woman...hmmm...are you follow'n along?

by  2008...the big O was the only past contestant brought back to the

 series under the new the snore'n title to milk millions from the millions of brain dead lobotomized followers gimps with no life who easily found it as a cheap form of reality enterpainment think'n she is someone not to be reckoned with

unfortunately...in 2011...the big O's brother Jack was murdered

are ya start'n to see a pattern yet kittens?

by december 2016...the big O decided to pack up her reality britches 

and join the demented degenerates in DC...stump'n and pump'n fer her former boss...from Wichita to Washington...any chance she could get to get her mug televised..and by the time 2017 came around she was in the oval orifice with the rest of the swamp rats vy'n fer their 15 minutes of fame

though...it wouldn't last long...and after completely her train'n in 1 year

 (of which no one ever knew what she did) the big O was let go in january of this year...

hey...get a ticket top the catch up train kittens...the conclusional comparison is near...wait fer it!

just like Luke who finished his train'n...and proved that his train'n paid off

the big O's train'n was now complete...and just like the old say'n goes...if yer gonna fuck with the bull...yer gonna get the horns!...she had finally became the jedi master and was ready to turn the tables & beat the live'n shit outta her master the 900 year old lil rott'n carcass of old man flap who taught her "the art of the deal"...with the recent release of her explosive book "UNHINGED"

LOOK!....i'll be the 1st to say it...as annoy'n as i always was after see'n the big O on season one many years back...she was equally if not more annoy'n as hell...try'na decipher all her garbage she was try'na peddle to the public in regards to her hopp'n aboard that shit show train to DC...

and vommit'n her luv fer that mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit and universal fuckmuppet...thankfully though...i was like a moth to a flame fer this latest episode of her batshit craziness cuz she had now earned applause from myself along with many other kittens across the country...cuz the big O was ready to take no prisoners alive once again...and lett'n the media know she is not a cookie that's gonna crumble or gonna be fuck'd with...period!

and with the release of her secretly recorded meticulously timed audio record'ns from her days in the administration...prove'n they were try'na silence her with hush money...paid fer by the brain dead lobotomized gimps donations to his campaign...WELL...she's call'n his racist bluffs and cutt'n off his lil hand that fed her with all the ammo she needs!

 but don't take our word fer it...order yer copy today!

and get off my dress!