i was always picked last pretty much 99.999% of the time when it came to anything athletic in high school from what i can recall
i even remember one incident where my own team member "Chester the molester" we called him...would "take a whack at Weeza"
the reason...to this day...why i have ALWAYS loathed ANY sporting event!
and to add to the fact...a bunch of guys...wear'n tights and cups and knee pads...
ummm...talk about indoctrination...seems kinda GAY to me!
DOH! (why did i ever quit?)
flashfoward to a couple of weekends ago...when my brother Andy and my nephew Sean and niece Savannah came up to visit me and take me to my very first ever GOPHER'S football game
but anytime to hang with my brother and his kids...regardless of where it is...is fine with me really
so off we went...across the river and thru the traffic to the Gopher’s game we go
Sean was being a bit of a whiner cuz the game had already started and we still were on the roller coaster ride of try'n to find a park'n spot...(in his defense...he IS a football addict) i would have reacted the same way if i was late to...say...a MADONNA concert...
but after about 4 loops...we found park'n on the street and didn't have to give into the demands to have some stoner guard'n the car for 20 bux
as we made our way thru security...my security had already been breached!
so this 20 somethin' ticket check'n bleacher bimbo...
asked me and my brother to remove our hats so she could see if we apparently had any weapons of mass destruction under them...
but we also did not get the complimentary pat down by the security guy stand'n next to her
i know my rights...i'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search...and i wanted to cash in the latter!
so lemme see if i got this right...baseball caps can hide weapons...but feel'n our pockets for ANY guns...knives...grenades or AK47's wasn’t an issue?
ya…i'm completely confident in this school's security system
but off we went to our seats…so lemme break it down fer you play by play…as it were
my first thought was…once inside...i remembered i left my sanity at home and fergot to bring my protective shield...
then i thought...what's with the sea of blood clot and macaroni everywhere?
as i looked around for anything remotely desirable (hey sicko...i'm talk'n about to eat) i noticed ONE guy sitt'n to my left that would do in a pinch
but hey...i think i was lose'n ya...besides...I'M tell'n the story...and trust me...HOTDOG...i think i found me a wiener *DING*DING*DING*
now...where was i?...oh yea...
my brother returns with $40 worth of processed crap to fill our greatful guts...
below i notice a bunch of "cheerleaders" they call em…HA!
time they did a high kick
(hmmm…and they say us non heterosexuals have an agenda!)
so on with the game…
fortunately…my umbrella wasn’t needed cuz we were on the shaded side of the outdoor stadium…but watch’n the back and forth action on the field after the first kick off…was give’n me vertigo…(plus i can think of better back and forth action i’d rather be involved in)
next was the 15 nanoseconds of fame unsuspect’n audience participants got when the camera would show them on the DUMBO screen (wait…what was that?…oh…i’ve just been corrected…i mean the JUMO screen) look’n like a bunch of yard apes with turrets…and to add to the insanity…later on the stadium owners (or the sponsors runn’n the show)…would give away 2 free tickets to the best audience kiss…anywhere in the continental US…this seemed promise’n
about the first ¾ of couples…it was obvious they were either married or bone’n each other in the back seat of their SUV while the kids played soccer…but the 4th couple they showed were either brother and sister…or gay…cuz neither had a desire to embrace in a kiss…and it only got better
the next couple they showed were 2 women…
this was thee only time i would’ve allowed them to put me on the DUMBO screen and forgo my usual $200 entertainment fee…in hopes to get my free tickets to the big apple to see PRISCILLA on broadway
i unfortunately did not luck out…but my brother fortunately did! (but i will still accept donations fer my “treatment” at my paypal account)
Sean and Savannah schooled me on the score board as to who was ahead
as i gazed amongst the buttcracks and boobleheads in the stadiums…
i noticed sitt’n in front of me was this Mary Laterno look’n 50+ yr old…
then this intoxicated (not to be confused with intoxicate'n) delta-delta-delta-can-ya-help me-help me-help me look'n freshman (as in her 9th year as a)
but FINALLY…the only reason why i was cohorsed into goin…i was told that Madonna was gonna perform a few numbers during the break
and ashley simpson
so begins the halftime show…or as i prefer to call it...
“a train wreck in polyblends”
from “now i gotta cut loose…”
to “poor old Johnny Ray”
to “let the music play on…play on…play on”
it was the should’a…could’a…but failed attempts to further their career of 80’s hits in march’n band form make'n my ears bleed
at that point…i hadda put myself in a happy place…so i clicked my heels 3 times
turns out my damn clickers were broken…so i sat and suffered…i mean…enjoyed the time with my brother and his kids…thru another hour and we departed after the 3rd inning cuz my brother didn’t wanna fight the crowds leave’n…the score was 16/16…(bottom of the 8th i believe it was) who knows how many more baskets we needed to win…but i fer one will never be dooped by anyone who says Madonna is gonna be there…AGAIN!
on our way out…my brother decided to help out the chinese slave labor laws(awwww...how very thoughtful)
in the car and off we drove…HOME SWEET HOME!
now…perhaps my first experience in the sporting arena didn’t exactly make me feel like a rocket land'n on the moon…
ps…and NOW that i have accomplished the unaccomplishable (for me that is)…i told my brother he now had to sit thru and entire Michael Moore movie