Monday, October 3, 2011

boobage…buttcracks and bobbleheads…OH MY!

i was always picked last pretty much 99.999% of the time when it came to anything athletic in high school from what i can recall

i even remember one incident where my own team member "Chester the molester" we called him...would "take a whack at Weeza"
with his hockey stick to my shin just cuz someone from the opposite team made a goal past me...and we...CHER forbid...lost the game...and the loud-mouth-pain-in-my-ass coach at catholic school none the less...encouraged it!

the this day...why i have ALWAYS loathed ANY sporting event!

and to add to the fact...a bunch of guys...wear'n tights and cups and knee pads...
grabb'n each other between the legs til they sweat so bad it starts smell'n like a chili bake-off...then afterwards ...slapp'n each other on the ass for a good game before they lather themselves up and rinse themselves off in communal showers about indoctrination...seems kinda GAY to me!

DOH! (why did i ever quit?)

flashfoward to a couple of weekends ago...when my brother Andy and my nephew Sean and niece Savannah came up to visit me and take me to my very first ever GOPHER'S football game
well actually...ANY sport'n event EVER since that hockey game back in 1986

but anytime to hang with my brother and his kids...regardless of where it fine with me really

so off we went...across the river and thru the traffic to the Gopher’s game we go

Sean was being a bit of a whiner cuz the game had already started and we still were on the roller coaster ride of try'n to find a park'n spot...(in his defense...he IS a football addict) i would have reacted the same way if i was late to...say...a MADONNA concert...
so the antsy pants was completely understood!

but after about 4 loops...we found park'n on the street and didn't have to give into the demands to have some stoner guard'n the car for 20 bux

as we made our way thru security had already been breached!

so this 20 somethin' ticket check'n bleacher bimbo...
(hey i'm not judge'n...just report'n my all you non homosexuals and lipstick lezbitronic lovers...this is fer you...but just to clarify...she DID NOT look like this)

asked me and my brother to remove our hats so she could see if we apparently had any weapons of mass destruction under them...
never mind my nephews cap (apparently...they haven't invented minature WOMD fer the lil critters yet)

but we also did not get the complimentary pat down by the security guy stand'n next to her
(this ones fer the ladies and ladee alikes...grrrrrrrrrr!)

i know my rights...i'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search...and i wanted to cash in the latter!

so lemme see if i got this caps can hide weapons...but feel'n our pockets for ANY guns...knives...grenades or AK47's wasn’t an issue?

ya…i'm completely confident in this school's security system

but off we went to our seats…so lemme break it down fer you play by play…as it were

my first thought was…once inside...i remembered i left my sanity at home and fergot to bring my protective shield...
you know...just in case some boobleheaded belcher tried to high five me

then i thought...what's with the sea of blood clot and macaroni everywhere?'s their team colors...(hey...i didn't pick em...i'm just say'n)

as i looked around for anything remotely desirable (hey sicko...i'm talk'n about to eat) i noticed ONE guy sitt'n to my left that would do in a pinch
(well ya know...he may or may not have even looked X-ACTLY like this)...
but hey...i think i was lose'n ya...besides...I'M tell'n the story...and trust me...HOTDOG...i think i found me a wiener *DING*DING*DING*

now...where was i?...oh yea...

my brother returns with $40 worth of processed crap to fill our greatful guts...
WTF?…where's the hummus and pita chip's and tacky strawberry margarita's?'s no wonder why sooo many people qualify fer handicap park'n these days

below i notice a bunch of "cheerleaders" they call em…HA!
they looked more like a bunch of hysterectomy pads with pom poms pollinate’n the crowd with their eggs like a lawn sprinkler every
time they did a high kick

(hmmm…and they say us non heterosexuals have an agenda!)

so on with the game…

fortunately…my umbrella wasn’t needed cuz we were on the shaded side of the outdoor stadium…but watch’n the back and forth action on the field after the first kick off…was give’n me vertigo…(plus i can think of better back and forth action i’d rather be involved in)
ummm…i’m talk’n about swimm’n laps…perv!

next was the 15 nanoseconds of fame unsuspect’n audience participants got when the camera would show them on the DUMBO screen (wait…what was that?…oh…i’ve just been corrected…i mean the JUMO screen) look’n like a bunch of yard apes with turrets…and to add to the insanity…later on the stadium owners (or the sponsors runn’n the show)…would give away 2 free tickets to the best audience kiss…anywhere in the continental US…this seemed promise’n

about the first ¾ of couples…it was obvious they were either married or bone’n each other in the back seat of their SUV while the kids played soccer…but the 4th couple they showed were either brother and sister…or gay…cuz neither had a desire to embrace in a kiss…and it only got better

the next couple they showed were 2 women…
unsuspect’n homo’s?…or closeted hetro’s?…either case they weren’t buy’n into the trivial pursuit of free airline tickets

this was thee only time i would’ve allowed them to put me on the DUMBO screen and forgo my usual $200 entertainment fee…in hopes to get my free tickets to the big apple to see PRISCILLA on broadway
('s perfect treatment fer the obvious pain and suffer’n i suffered)

i unfortunately did not luck out…but my brother fortunately did! (but i will still accept donations fer my “treatment” at my paypal account)

Sean and Savannah schooled me on the score board as to who was ahead
and who was bite’n the dust at the halftime point…at the time i guess…we (the Gopher’s) were up 13 to 3…apparently that means the odds were in our favor…(but ain’t it odd…that if yer 41 and someone else apply’n fer the same job at 21…the odds are NOT in yer favor?…just a thought)

as i gazed amongst the buttcracks and boobleheads in the stadiums…

i noticed sitt’n in front of me was this Mary Laterno look’n 50+ yr old…
salivate’n over the players in the tour book she had just purchased make’n comments like “wow...he's adorable"...or "he can run fast...but needs more meat on his bones" (actual quotes)

then this intoxicated (not to be confused with intoxicate'n) delta-delta-delta-can-ya-help me-help me-help me look'n freshman (as in her 9th year as a)
leans into my nephew and slurs "hey just so ya know...there's gonna be a lot of high 5's if we make a touch down"...puhleez!!...the only touch down this tramp has ever seen was when she unstaples her heels from the dorm ceil'n

but FINALLY…the only reason why i was cohorsed into goin…i was told that Madonna was gonna perform a few numbers during the break


mary kate...

and ashley simpson


so begins the halftime show…or as i prefer to call it...
“a train wreck in polyblends”

from “now i gotta cut loose…”

to “poor old Johnny Ray”

to “let the music play on…play on…play on”

it was the should’a…could’a…but failed attempts to further their career of 80’s hits in march’n band form make'n my ears bleed

at that point…i hadda put myself in a happy place…so i clicked my heels 3 times

turns out my damn clickers were broken…so i sat and suffered…i mean…enjoyed the time with my brother and his kids…thru another hour and we departed after the 3rd inning cuz my brother didn’t wanna fight the crowds leave’n…the score was 16/16…(bottom of the 8th i believe it was) who knows how many more baskets we needed to win…but i fer one will never be dooped by anyone who says Madonna is gonna be there…AGAIN!

on our way out…my brother decided to help out the chinese slave labor laws( very thoughtful)
by purchase’n a 2 cent plastic pigskin to toss around with Sean for the low low price of 12 bux…and Savannah got this beautifully linked blood clot metallic look’n necklace that i’m sure some 10 year old in china helped put together with his 6 year old sister…kids help’n kids…what more can ya ask for …huh!

in the car and off we drove…HOME SWEET HOME!

now…perhaps my first experience in the sporting arena didn’t exactly make me feel like a rocket land'n on the moon…
BUT I DID IT DAMMIT! now get off my dress!

ps…and NOW that i have accomplished the unaccomplishable (for me that is)…i told my brother he now had to sit thru and entire Michael Moore movie
next time i come to visit….his response?


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