Monday, October 24, 2011

HOCUS POCUS...FOCUS?...ya right!

i always wanted to ride around the midnite skies on a broomstick

(half that wish came if i can only learn how to fly...HA!)

to be part of some sorta coven of cackle'n colostomy carry'n tea drinkers

one of my all time fav-or-it shows i used to watch as a small child when i would visit my grama’s house dealt with cast'n spells and conguration...

and i am not talk'n about this piece of hollyweird dedicationed crap
that the new millennium non verbal communicative generation was shown

no...i'm talk'n about the original television series from the 60’s

starr’n Elizabeth Montgomery as Samantha Stevens…
the perfect suburban housewife…who just happens to be a witch!

and her flamboyantly colorful spit-fire of a mother Endora
with her flame red locks...electric blue shadow and egyptian eyeliner

and how could you ferget the littlest witch of them all…Tabitha
the original Olsen Twin (don’t feel like a total anal wart…i only found out Tabitha was played by twins while doin’ research fer this very important and extremely educational blog)

then of course there were those 3 bad ass witches from Eastwick

but the most famous of all would be the bitchiest witchiest from the west

and her sugar plum saccharinated schoolmate from the northside of town

then there was that lil back story musical that came out years later
about how they became frenemies...if you haven't seen it...YOU MUST!

the QUEEN even played the stylish witch Elspeth in the movie Four Rooms

dizzney of course dabbled up their conjuration fixation back in 1937

while all these super natural sisters possess some sorta super natural hocus pocus powers with the twitch of their nose or the zing of their fingers

there was that one period of time during the 1600's
when it wasn't really in vogue fer them if they were accused of being one

but none compares to the hocus pocus i experienced recently on a pilgrimage to an open house i went to a couple weekends ago

and before i begin…this is a TOTAL observation on my part…from MY point of view as an innocent on liquor…i mean on looker…at a BUDDHIST gather’n!

trust me…i’d wish i was on liquor half way thru this rodeo show

Buddhism and Hinduism are sorta a cross stitch religion that seek the wisdom more than the worship...but i ain't got time to break them down feel free to wikipedia yer ass away anytime ya want!

to begin...traditionally...a buddhist monk is rapped in like 300 count red/orange bed sheets from some sorta bed...bath and beyond buddha shop
with a very closed cropped hair cut down on the shampoo bill

think Sinead O'connor...
but with alot less grammy nominations

they have a good eye for the use of bright and cheerful colors

unlike that other store bought religion that's more torturous on the eyes

but if ya ask me…it’s just like that pillow factory in the sky that the other religion believes in…only on some kinda hocus pocus acid trip

when ya boil em all down in the big melt'n pot of life though…
they basically all just say’n be NICE to everyone!

so of course who hasn't heard of the Tibetan BUDDHA
(if ya haven't...this is it folks)

then there's KRISHNA...the most popular well known of the Hindu g*ds

think they might have a copyright infridgment lawsuit againt these guys
pretty much the same look...with alot less drag

then there's Hanuman...the monkey g*d

who i'm sure had somethin' to do with make'n these monkeys into a very popular franchise since the 60's

and my fav-o-rit of all g* VIRAT SWARUPA
it's like a poo-poo platter of personalities

wasn't Sally Fields portrayal of this one to perfection?

so anywho...i sat thru my 1st session a few weeks back with a bunch of monks and burbanite raisin ranchers…humm’n and humm’n some hocus pocus chant from a book...

when i realized they just sounded like a bunch of gereatrics
try'n to jump start a jeep parade

then throw in the occasional dinner bell
(which i read no indication in the book i was try’n to follow along with…about when the ring'n of the dinner bell should occur)

and you got a very underground version of the Tabernacle Choir...but trust me...the Tabernacle Choir does'nt have to worry about gett'n voted off on the next season of “chant’n with the religious stars”

as one of the zombies…i mean chanter’s…(and this i cannot confirm nor deny since i chose not to partake in this ritual) passed out some sorta grits and bacon bits to the unmalnourished flock…(GEEZ…what am i think’n) i mean the starve’n space cadets…i’m think’n…i’d wished i hadda V8 with some stoli

and no where in the program does it state that you are to eat only half…and give the rest as an offer’n to fill the Buddha's belly

now here me out… wouldn’t it be more prudent…and far more practical…time wise let’s say…if this REALLY needs to be part of the gong show…(i mean ceremonial festivities)…to only let the catatonic crowd take what they need to devour…

cuz trust me…fer us new comers forced into this atmosphere under false pretenses or those who’ve gathered cuz they have no clue what to do with themselves religiously…you see someone come’n at you with a plate of twigs and berries…i’m sorry…but g*d or no g*d…
it’s hungry hungry hippo time at this point of the game…let the g*d find his or her own table scraps…i was hungry!

and apparently so was the one sitt’n next to me…cuz when the waiter came back fer the offer’n…there was none to be had

ummm…sorry charlie!

half the congregation at this point had no clue what page everyone was on after the ceremonial offer’n of the table scraps...and i no longer had zero interest in partake’n in this hocus pocus focus group anymore…and my prayer was answered when someone came in behind me and i generously offered up my seat and made a b-line back to reality

now i may sound like i got a stick up my Vishnu
but hey……ya never get a second chance to make a first impression

well…unless of course yer Pete Burns from “you spin me around” fame

but to my credit....i sorta have already dabbled in this once before...
when Boy George was inspired by the hari krishna’s and Buddha
back in the early 90’ with his short lived band JESUS LOVES YOU

and wrote a complete album of songs with the tambourine players in mind...called “THE MARTYR MANTRAS”
“BOW DOWN MISTER” was sorta the top 10 long distance dedication to the religion

“paint a tilak on your brow…open like a lotus flower…
it's time to check your karma now...hare, hare, hare”

but unlike most organized religions look’n fer hand-outs…from my quick classes via wikipedia…this is the one that seems less about comdemn’n non heterosexual man on non heterosexual man action …say’n that ALL sexual gratification will not lead you to the “path of enlightenment”…which is where apparently they wanna go in their next life

upon further exploration though...turns out that the reign’n Dalia Lama who soon will be reliquish’n his crown…
stands by the traditional Buddhists rules about sexuality

that the 69 position

butt pirate’n

and shillelagh schlack’n
is forbidden by ANYONE!

well…that leaves me out from ever contribute’n or convert’n to their cause…i’m sorry…but i can find more ways to enlightenment with my rusty ol' right hand!

so in close’n…glad those that do practice this form are less judgmental than most store bought religious brands...but currently i have no plans on join’n this hocus pocus focus group anytime soon either
kapeesha Ganeesha!

practice it without preach'n it…and puhleez...get off my dress!

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