Monday, January 9, 2012

if i want yer opinion...i'll beat it outta ya!

let me start by say'n...poor...poor...poor Shelley B!
but this suit...suits you just fine i'm think'n...don'tcha think?

i hope it had nothing to do with my last weeks prediction that might have swayed those corn whackers minds into lett'n this coocoo c*nt fly the coop!

the only crazy batshit that people wanna see this year is on the big screen
and not in the big house...i'm just say'n...but what do i know?

yer a "critic"...i'm a "critic"...we're ALL "critics" at some point durin' any part of any given day...whether it's what movie ya wanna see on date nite...what people are wear'n that could be considered hazzardous to yer cornea...
what broadway production has captured yer attention for an expensive nap...or in some cases...what is considered sexual perversions of nature!

basically...critic is the politically correct equivelant to a bitch session

some people have turned their bitch sessions into bank accounts

you have yer famous movie bitches from the 80's like Siskel and Ebert

recycabley funny fossil turned fashion bitch to the famous Joan Rivers

and how can we ferget those famous theater bitches for the stuffed and the Waldorf and Statler

then there's x-files bitch and patti caker to the porn sites David Duchovny

i decided to wait a couple of months before give'n my non denominational not to influence my popular blogville fan base...from goin'...or not goin' see this production

so a while back i went to see the musical revival of The Rocky Horror Show
Rocky Horror?...huh...i hate to say it...but try more like Rocky Road!

first off…their promotional tee’s to purchase…ummm the designer obviously O.D'd on Kaopectate...cuz they looked like some lazy grade school macaroni and paste production!

though the theater in the rectangle box concept with the retractable floor seats were a cool theatrical hands on experience…see’n the show from the from the 20 yard line on the side was not (but that's only the fault of the bitchy usher)

the stage props were minimal...but not very memorable
except for Rocky’s entrance in the “video killed the radio star” tube

now to the cast…

the Brad and Janet thespians did a great job emulate'n the croon'n couple
had the look down and were entertainingly good vocal wise (though sing’n and runn’n was not one of their strongest points)…i still give them an A-

Columbia (who was one of the open'n ushers as well...did a much convinceable protrayal as that) but as Columbia?
ummm…black leg warmers and pink sneakers….REALLY?...i mean…i got past the fact that their outfits were “updated” for this production…but i was unimpressed with her diarretic performance and lack of tapp'n heels

instead...opt’n fer Adidas with orthopedics inserts
sure maybe she may have had some phobia or medical issues with heels in general...but if yer gonna look like some tossed out live'n dead doll from the island of misfit toys...
the least ya could do was not look like the poster child for pepto bismol

and her act’n abilities were about as innerest’n as a meatball sub
looks good in the advertisements…but just blah once it hits the taste buds…and yer stuffed half was thru

Magenta (who also played the other open'n usher)
on the other hand was polished like a brand new pair of penny loafers...
very energetic…great voice and had the sex appeal of a centerfold (and reminded me of my high school friend Elaise)…she embodied the character and played a fantastic homage to her predecessor

Dr. Scott (who also played Eddie) was just buttered toast with no jam
simple and a staple breakfast item…it needed to be there…but didn’t leave you want’n anymore carbs than necessary…and the german accent sounded more like a Ukranian hooker choke’n on a gefilte fish sandwich

the time warp dancers were as smooth as the gravey train…and totally into their support'n role…the blue mohawked mo' was like a punk swan lake

and grrrrrrrr to the Michael Hutchinson look’n tip toe tuliper

but the eye of the tiger of the nite was none other than Rocky

and even if he was a failure...and by no means did he disappoint vocally or visually…how could you not be transfixed on those 2 scoops of butter pecan ice cream…known as his ass!
trust me when i say…as long as i got a face…he’s got a place to sit!!!

completely full of life from beginn’n to end…no way the original Rocky…who was my co-pilot from an earlier blog…would’a pulled it off
he was the weakest link due to his love of the liquor…(you can’t pull off gold lame hot pants with a jim beam belly! ain’t happen’n i’m sorry)

the BIGGEST surprise of the nite was the narrator played by Don Shelby
who always gave such a lime jell-o with mayo-on-top news telecast

he kept the storyline afloat...and added great comic bold and brave as it was for him to end the show by turn'n and walk'n off thru the curtains…(and YES i realize it’s nature’s way of bitch slapp’n all of us before we fade away into oblivion…but let me have this one shallow moment)
in a pair of business slacks with the butt cut out and his pancake ass on display for the not what you want them to remember you by

it had it’s humor and i get it...but with that said...let’s just say...
Mrs. Butterworth won’t be knock'n on my door any time soon!

the intermission was none other than loud mouthed dame...Miss Smith
(fresh off of America’s Got-No-Imagination Talent Show i guess…i don’t watch tv anymore)

but to be honest…SHE STOLE THE WHOLE SHOW!...her performance was the cream that cured this some what of a canker sore production

not sure if she was there every nite…but the nite i was there...she was judge’n the costume contest…and she did not disappoint

she was like a fresh young Rip Taylor in support hose and heels...
she makes Miss Rectal-Exam Field 1891 look like a pap’s smear!...her “yer a loser get off my stage” she would tell contestants who were unworthy of p-a-r-t-i-c-i-p-a-t-i-o-n kept me from leave'n at half time

and now what you’ve been wait’n for…the shanghai surprise 2nd place award goes to Franken-who-was-he-again-Furter!

first the good point…i simply loved the heels…PERIOD!...but his performance left me feel’n like i was on mine!

i get the whole “it's diversified” cast…a carbon copy of GLEE last year
it’s more demographic dollars…fine...i can live with that

but what’s with the Pablo Picasso beard?...and his make-up?
i swear to CHER they hired Helen Keller as their mac cosmetic consultant

he did not embody his maker like i was hope'n in the least...he just reminded me more of Snorky from 1970's morn'n show The Banana Splits

though his sing'n voice at least kept me interested...i was not a huge fan of how the arrangements of the songs were sung however

his outfits looked like they were taken from the 75% off rack at hot topix
and they paid some out-of-work mexican fieldworker from Alabama to hot glue some sparkley crap on them

last but not least…the winner's fer the shanghai surprise award goes to the few annoy’n f*ckers in the crowd who insist on talk’n during the show
and YES i am well aware that this has been a staple of the production since the release of the movie

but if i wanna hear a bunch of wannabe...15 millisecond fame’n whores... talk’n back to the cast…
i’ll go to a tape'n of the Jerry Springer show!

and unlike Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr...
this was like an affair i didn't need to remember

all in all…this production was worth the price of the discount i paid for…and to hang with my friend Greta…but i won't be doin the time warp again...if anything...i'd rather be make'n time for a nap!

first timers would've appreciated this production if they never seen it live before and it did very well from what i've read...but this is my blog and it's only my opinion...if ya don't like it...get off my dress!

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