sung so eloquently by the late great Peggy Lee many many moons ago
as friday december 21st draws near...so is...is that all there is...this thing called LIFE EXISTENCE as we know it apparently on the planet earth!
i'm frightened Antie Em...I'M FRIGHTENED!
kittens....REALLY? are we here AGAIN?...i mean if friday fell on the 13th
and you happened to get the morn'n news broadcasted by some ax wield'n homocidal maniac...then i might say...OK...there might be some validity to the story
the crack heads huff'n bible verses told us about the end how many times?
their predictions were about as accurate as Fox news
say'n the world will end...and you'll cause complete pandemonium chaos
fer millions of warped non thinkers try'n to get a return on their sins...
which means HUGE cash cow fer business!
let's assume fer one millisecond...(oops...times up kittens)...that the interpretations by some scholars in smarty britches...predict'n the Mayan's calendar marks the end of life as we know it...is somewhat...correct
no more collect'n fruit fer any sorta bonus in yer bank account...or chomp'n down on enough thought pellets to change people's mind so they run away from you long enough...until they decide to try and change yer mind
do you realize what this no longer means what we'll have to put up with?
no more late nite infomercials entice'n you with an australian accent...to purchase useless crap that's gonna end up collect'n dust in the garage or a play thing in some kids toy box
no more bible beaters...beat'n yer ear drums with their comical fairy tales...
dipp'n their 2 cents worth of tortilla chips in a bowl of dipshit advice...expect'n you to eat it
no more speak'n to the fuck'n Jetson's maid say'n...
"i'm sorry i did not understand what you just said"
when try'n to pay any of yer bills over the phone...cuz yer computer is runn'n so slow from all that downloaded adult entertainment you just can't part with
no more have'n to read thru pages of stupid shit on yer FB page...
from people's daily affirmations...to give'n the thumbs up to someone's interests
NO MORE DUMP TRUCK and his ridiculous conspiracy theories!
when his hair piece and tang bronzer alone has always been a conspiracy theory to begin with
so if this really is THE END...and the Mayans were on to somethin'...
here's a list of things you should do before that ball of flame flies thru our atmosphere:
1. speak yer mind!
if i have to hear one more elevator story of kids and casseroles...or how the weather has changed drastically 5 degree points up or down from the past 24 hours...i'm gonna loose it!...do you really think that whore stand'n next to you in the morn'n gives a shit!...NO THEY DON'T!...trust me...i can tell you that political correctness is no longer fashionable anymore!
there should be one "whorevator" fer those singles who mingle and wanna talk about their latest tingle!
"i banged the bus boy on break"...or "oh my gawd...look at his crotch?...it's SO BIG...he looks like one of those drag queens boyfriends...but who understands drag queens anyways...they only talk to him cuz he's pack'n...i mean GROSS...his bulge is just so BIG...ummm...you gotta pen?"...or the popular "you should really think about gett'n that checked before it spreads"
2. work it!
when you walk 'til you limp and give a cut to yer pimp...yer a street whore...
when you work from your home and johns call on the phone...yer a call girl
why not become yer own " self sufficient entrepreneur"?
wonder what yer worth?...well now's the time to test it out...you've laid there like a dead hooker fer years or faked more orgasms than you can count...
or held out like a fool wait'n fer that special someone to come down yer "chimney"
what a moron!...thousands of ladies and ladies alike...of the nite...have been make'n bookoo bank fer years...time to take a piece of the easy pie...
when someone drives by and says "how much?"...don't take that as an insult...that's just how they say "hi" in whoreville
don't like their offer?...negotiate...this is no time to bargain hunt...
just make sure to get the money up front before ya take yer top/bottoms off!
3. be selfish...spend!
why care about anyone but yerself at a time like this?
and ya won't be show'n off yer country's pride in yer custom built lazyboy on wheels
or become'n an undergarment model anytime soon
empty yer piggy banks and charge charge CHARGE that plastic piggy bank on anything yer simple selfish heart desires...ya know the big wigs at those credit card companies have been live off yer interest dime fer years...it's not like they'll be give'n ya a call anytime soon in this lifetime anyways
tired of those move'n at the speed of a parapelegic parade sunday drivers?...
sick of being stuck behind those who got their license from drive'n a camel?
you ain't got time to have patience anymore...stick a loud speaker to to the hood of yer car and tell the one hold'n up traffic exactly how you feel:
"JESUS CHRIST!...i said move motherfucker!!...why are you drive'n 55 mph...in a 55 mph zone when there's a perfectly good empty lane to yer right that you can move over to assfuck!...ooh yer gonna step on yer breaks now? bitch puhleez! you think yer really fuck'n funny i bet? well...let's see how fuck'n funny you are when they're extract'n my bus from yer tailpipe CUNT!"
5. rock out!
why bother stepp'n on a crack...
to break yer mama's back?
just snort it!
it's not like ya need to waste anymore of yer hard earned money on a long term dentist plan...and think of how glamourous you'll feel...you'll become one of those famous people by show'n up on billboards everywhere
and that's really what everone wants to be anyways...this famous...right?
of course...these are just some of my suggestions...i could be wrong!
so just in case...in order to save my own ass...
our father...who do art in heaven
Joseph Smith was right...these are magical!
nam myoho renge kyo
OH MY CHER!
believe what ya wanna believe...just get off my dress!