Monday, November 25, 2013

the BLACK PLAGUE

just when you thought all those blood suck'n fang banger's and brain dead connoisseurs of no conscience were gone until the next hallowed season...
oh...kittens...i ain't talk'n about Nosferatu or the Live'n Dead
no...i'm talk'n about those brain dead blood suck'n GOP'ers 

there is yet another more ruthless...and frankly...a more devastate'n evil... 
that once destroyed millions from Europe to Russia to the Middle East in the 14th century known simply as the Black Plague

thought to have been completely eradicated over a 100 years later...has unfortunately been resurrected into the 21st century...and has maimed and caused way more devastation by kill'n millions of consumers kindness's...
known simply as BLACK FRIDAY!

this time honored tradition started in 1961 in the city of brotherly love...at midnite...as these everyday...mostly kind consumers...who simply wished to fulfill their everyday lives and their households while save'n a couple a benjamins on the latest and greatest technological wizardly after a very deliciously fullfill'n sit down dinner with the entire family...IS NO MORE!!!
as the turkey...ambrosia salad and candied yams just barely have time to settle in their stomachs...the beast inside them all...will awaken once again and turn them into these rabidly unconscious parasitic patrons of gizmos and gadgets to consume their miserable existence...before Tommy even has time to shove the leftover cranberry sauce down lil Timmy's trousers...or Tammy has time to finger the fix'ns again in the frigid air box 
thanx to the all mightyness of corporate greed...these salivary savages want'n the best deal...no longer have to wait til the stroke of midnite any longer to purchase the "MUST!HAVE!NOW!" crap off the latest assembly runway line carefully crafted by lil Ping Ming...Ding A. Ling...Ah So and Kung Po...so you...the shopp'n fucktard...can save some measly benjamins...what would take their entire family work'n around the clock...a lifetime to make...as the madness begins at 8pm on turkey day...and in some cases EVEN SOONER!!!
SAY IT ISN'T SO!...are the weather reports out yet? dear lord what will i wear? is the "DUCK DYNASTY" season 1 even gonna be on s-a-l-e? someone! ANYONE! PUHLEEZ!...OH GOD...thou for art have forsaken me...i beg of you to have mercy on my wretched whorish selfish lil soul and give me the strength to make it thru this madness...but just in case...Bobby Marie and Betty Andy....fetch me my pocket kitchen cattle prod and shopp'n shank!

as the family gathers together in dad's "secret room" behind the staircase the babysitter finishes gett'n dressed while dad lays out the blue prints to each and every store section with the best sales within a 5 mile radius of their home...so they can accumulate the best buys fer their buck...and hands everyone a walkie talkie to alert everyone of any pop-up sales

dressed in their best pressed camouflage...so the bodies are easily identified in case they don't make it out alive...mom makes sure to pack enough liquid replenishments fer everyone so they can hit the sales...
and hit'em hard...pile'n into their hell on wheels...dad completely fergett'n to empty grama's colostomy bag so she can o.d. on a Matlock marathon and her box of sparklin' Franzia in peace...the family burns rubber to the first destination of happy helpers at Wally World on the "tour of discount destruction

Bobby Marie teams up with mom and hit the electronics...as Betty Andy and dad try to find the perfect gift to keep mom's trap shut come xmas morn'n

over to mom and Bobby Susan...crouched down and hunt'n like unbathed mongolian savages in the jungle...look'n fer the best deals at the bottom...
when Bobby's eye's lite up like a christmas tree...
"oh mommy P-U-H-L-E-E-E-E-Z! CAN-I-CAN-I-CAN-I?...i will do ALL my chores fer the rest of my life and stop play'n with Betty Andy's power saw and ratchet set" Bobby Marie whimpered

like a hooker to heroin...mom knew Bobby was hooked...and she would never here the end of it...so she caved into Bobby's desires and gave him some extra cash she had earned in the back park'n lot earlier but told Bobby to never tell dad until he was old enough to move outta the house

and hour later...extremely exhausted after mom accidentally prodded Bobby's behind...from behind...while try'n to body slam the one eyed paraplegic fer the last garage door sized 3D HD plasma tv...which...in turn...
caused Bobby to involuntary impale mom's left breast implant with his shopp'n shank...they decided they deserved a much needed break today...
so off to the Golden Arches they went...
as they inhaled their happy tumor meal...off in the distance...they heard the familiar clang clang clang come'n from some homeless troll work'n fer table scraps and a warm bed to rest their ache'n head from the freeze'n cold...so they tallied up their receipts and carefully deducted 10% from their save'ns...and decided to donate to the red bucket charity that has been a time honored tradition that help's ALL without ANY sorta question or conditions...which always makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside know'n that they are part of the anti-bacterial self-sinn'n and grinn'n society 

3 hrs later...after pack'n the caravan with all of their preciously purchased
treasured belong'ns  crap...dad had decided to make one more final stop...
to stock up on a year's supply of head cheese...a vat of mayonnaise...a crate of reprocessed meats and bleached flavor crackers...and a barrel of spermicidal jam

but instead dad was greeted with the most perplex'n sign of all...
from the top of his lungs...dad whaled out...
 "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIIIIIT?...it's my one fuck'n day off...and i had a whole weekend planned with my "buddies" at the cabin"
"Harold...watch yer mouth...the kids" Dureen said sternly
"WHADIDYASAYBITCH?...you want me to fry ya up another back hand sammich to eat today?" 
"KIDS...git odda the car! mommie needs to remind daddy that his "secret room" also has "secret" camera's"
40 minutes later...as the snow flakes began to dance like fall'n pirouettes against the navy blue sky...Harold and Dureen came to an "understand'n" as Bobby Marie and Betty Andy pleaded to be let back into the car...so mom unlocked the doors and the kids piled back in and homeward bound they went

as the last shopping bag was brought into the garage...the family reflected on the events of the day as they went off to their own miserable rooms...
Bobby Marie was thankful that his secret was safe with mom...fer now 
Betty Andy was thankful she got to finish putt'n up the panel'n in her bedroom
dad was thankful the "help" stuck around
mom was thankful she could still see outta one eye as she poured herself into a merlot coma decide'n what to do next
and grama...well...no one really heard a peep outta grama all nite long


the moral of this mess...be thankful you have yer health...some don't...
don't let corporate market'n turn you into ax weild'n homicidal maniacs

now get off my dress!




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