into the woods

well...finally that fuck'n snow miser decided to pack up his tapp'n shoes...

 and do his final curtain call on this very unwanted extended run this season and head north til november...so the rest of us could finally clean out the cooler and wash out the war stains from their sleep'n bags from the last sleazy season in the wilderness and get ready to head north fer many extended weekends...to ferget about think'n about nothin' that you fergot you weren't think about in the first place

to dip in the deep end with yer "special" friend at the lake cabin...

and catch some much needed rays...show'n off yer spank'n new bikini bottoms...to catch some spank'n hungry top...

maybe a fancy schmancy fish or two...

and if yer lucky...the latest must have STD that everyone at the center fer disease control has been rave'n about

or somethin' like that...but hey...if you don't like my vision...

of yer vacation...make like Michael and BEAT IT!

so the other day my very very VERY dear hairdress'n doctoress & savior

from many many moons ago...(who i fergot to give an honorable mention to fer save'n my follicles many many moons ago apparently)...we'll just call her K...to keep her anonymity private kapeesh?...anyways...K met me out fer a cocktail or 10 that day and we started reminiscence'n about the one time...her & her non homo bf T  

and their uncontrollably mangy eyesore named...Mr. Puss...decided to kidnap me durin' some non decorated fall holiday fer an out-of-town excursion...into no-man-of-mine's land...to their cabin 2 hrs outta my safe place into northern MN...and since i didn't wanna sit home and count the countless unreturned texts from my ungrateful stalker...i said...SURE!

so off we went...and instead of borin' you with somethin' you could care less about since you weren't there...i'll just give you the unsalted highlights

we arrived before the attack of the outta-town rush hour was about to hit the fan...and as we drove into the driveway of this modestly humble cabin...

HA!...you call THIS a CABIN?...ya right...it was the fuck'n South Fork of cabin's

i was wait'n fer Sue Ellen to walk out any minute and served us freshly chilled lemonade with a kick

turns out...it just belonged to their fun non heterosexual neighbors...

so i really hated to beat a gift horse in the mouth...but we 3 were all bunk'n in this shit shack...wait...i'm so sorry...i mean...their quaint lil shit shack...

oh well...i somehow hoped i'd find some zen named Ben...that i'd been wait'n fer...and much rightfully deserved at the time since it was my b-day weekend after all...but it was after all a free vacation from the bright lights and loud noises that i have so come to love over the years over any sorta peace and quiet...though i would eventually learn to love the peace and quiet that was actually quiet peaceful fer a change

from the outside it looked a bit cramped...but as the front door opened

i could see we had enough ample leg room to move about...

which was good cuz i didn't really feel like goin all Sybil on them

the air was fresh and clean...blow'n off the tranquil lake waters...

like an early morn'n kiss from mother nature's lips

all was calm and peaceful...not a care in the world...and really...i didn't care about nutt'n or nothin'...which was a good change...fer a change

later that day as the rays decided to hit above my index...

i slipped into my best bathin' suit of course...while sipp'n on some concoction they created in their lab (who knew we'd see moose toe)

lounge'n in nothing but my birthday suit...sun block and cocktail nearby

and YES...sorry i couldn't get Herb Ritts to capture this moment perfectly...but he was dead kittens...i only had my dinosaur flip phone on me at the time to capture these Kodak moments...so deal with it!



all was goin well...until day #2...when Mr. Puss...who apparently was given some hallucinogenic drug in his puppy chow by my 2 lovely kidnappers 

cuz he thought he was some sorta psychotic bubble bee...buzz'n around the lake...try'n to pollinate with those poor defenslessly loveable himalayan dogfish that i was so desperately try'n not to disturb...in their natural habitat

well…my vacation duration was a true gem fer the most part…and of course my excursion wouldn’t have been complete without 1 umbrella...1 bottle of 1000 unscientifically unproven sun block fer the boat ride and and 1 non think'n think'n cap that i had borrowed to keep my milky white 

freshness in tact...I felt just like Jane Seymour in “somewhere in time”...but without all the Christopher Reeve moments

the bars alone were there own seperate experience at nite...with one crypt keep'n bartender even give'n me the "wonkie eye" one nite...yaaaaa right!

come up fer air diver dan...i moved outta desperadoville...like 8 hours ago

but as day turned to nite...and nite into dazed...by day 4...I had hit my threshold of booze…bugs and bad hygiened in my jeans afternoons

T tells me at 8 am on the 5th day that morn’n…we’d have to stick around til 

5 that nite fer the installers to install their central air unit...ummm yea...remember when a trip to the woods was just a simple place to lay down at nite... 

and bein' watched by some machete wield'n psycho along the shore line was acceptable?

OH NO! not fer these 2

I of course said nothing…since I was along fer the free ride...but i was ready to install my own unit into someone's central location 

unfortunately...there would be no Bobby wait'n fer me in the shower...

 if my head could speak...i would'a been convicted of accimental homicide

but there would be no "who shot JR" moment...after all...since i left my broomstick at home...and my twitcher was broken...i hadda just keep my flap trap shut

and it really didn't have anything to do with K or T's hospitality...cuz they were the perfect host's....while they gorged on a very lavish feast of...

imported meats...a plethora of exotic fruits and vegetables...freshly hand picked by peruvian whistle children...and carefully sipped wines from around the world...

they served me a beautiful assortment of leftovers in a simple carry'n case

from Ancient Chinese Chicken Shack down the road and a simple mint leaf float'n in my glass of unimported toilet water

luckily...T just wanted to see my reaction…cuz it'd only be a few hours…

and thank CHER we did stick around!  

cuz 1 of the 3 stooges that came to the cabin that morn'n to install the central frigid air unit...i swear just stepped outta some boom chickie wow wow adult educational fornicational flick...i no longer cared if i ever returned

he was a total backwoods bumpkin with a gluteus maximus that looked like 2 of the most perfectly round scoops of butter pecan ice cream

(hey i just bought that reference last nite at the store...deal with it!)

i of course was buzz'n around like some love starved homo hummin' bird

ready to ruffle my feathers any way i possibly could

i...as the author...will leave you with yer dirty dirty lil imagination as to what may or may not have transpired between us...and let you finish the story as you see fit!

would i ever gone outta town with these 2 non homosexuals again?

H E and add in a couple of hockey sticks YES!!..i always enjoy hang'n with these 2...but on much smaller time frame and after they figer out a way to move the gravitational pull of the ultraviolet rays away from my milky white skin fer an extended period of time so i don't have to put on my bathin' suit again...(it's so hard to be me)

even though i might be some kinda antsy backwoods barbie at times...

who's no fan of bar-b-q's with a side of buck toothed patrons at some local water'n hole...at the very least...the backwoods bumkin...was worth the trip not to skip

now get off my dress!