Monday, May 9, 2016

bedtime stories

one of my all time fav-o-rit bedtime stories…as a very small…
but very important…very up and come’n unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of my own universe was…


i remember my cuz's Carey and Shelly read'n this to me when they'd babysit
i…like Max…had and still have…
a very active imagination

i was never much of a reader…i am read to...period!
but trust me…i will READ you in a minute…if you try and crucify me on yer cross!

move'n on…

so i was reminisce’n recently of other childhood fav’s that i wish i’d been able to have read…but never bothered too…cuz i figered if they were any good…
they’d be turned into a movie…am I right?

so let's take a trip down mammory lane...shall we? you remember that classic tale of what to do in bad weather?
“Taking Trips on Rainy Days”

this was the story about Helen Stripmotter teach’n her lil tinker bell…Tommy…the correct way how to cope with the slings and arrows…that will mostly likely be aimed towards him…from classmates and local parishioners...after she found hidden issues of “INCHES” under his britches in his top drawer…while give’n him the proper way to “perform” without scrape’n his teeth against those “throat removers”

and then there’s that one about learn’n to live alone…
“My Parent Are Fighting Again 
(The Story of Timmy’s Home Away From A Broken Home)

this is the story of teenaged angst riddled tulip sniffer Timmy...who decides to take shop class as an elective and decides to build his future in his parents backyard…after mom catches dear old perverted converted dad take'n Timmy's well endowed best friend Terrell on one too many long ass "rides" home...just one too many times...and he's left once again...stuck pick'n up the broken stemware and shattered dreams thru-out the house

one of the most beloved books about narcissism and jealousy
“Dear God, Please Kill My Little Sister.”

this easy to read between the lines story…explores what happens when lil Sally steals the spotlight one too many times from big brother Charlie who had full run of the house and his parents full attention and bank account when it was just him... one nite as mom and dad leave to one of those theaters with a “back room”…Charlie is asked to babysit lil Sally…and not long after the front door closes…Sally is sent to bed…but as Charlie turns off the lights…Sally whimpers “Charlie please don’t turn off the lights…I see monsters in the dark”…Charlie exclaims as he lowers his head and raises his left eyebrow in a scowl…“Sally…those aren’t monsters…they’re just yer clothes…try’n to m-u-r-d-e-r you!”…trust me...this’ll make you sleep with one eye open fer the rest of yer life!

or how about that book that taught you that everything...
“Tastes Like Chicken”

no matter how you slice it...this story was made fer those finicky lil carnivores that never wanted to try somethin’ new

Christmas is a great time to be charitable…but nothin’ says Christmas like…
“Santa Says NO TOYS For Poor Kids”

this heart warm'n holiday classic teaches lil kittens of all ages…after ol’ Saint Nick spent years runn’n a sweat shop of hard work’n ungrateful elves…try’n to meet a december 24th deadline…loose’n his looks to his waistline…and the Misses always screen’n his mail…the last thing he wants as a reward is an endless supply of dried out toll house cookies and moo juice…so he opts fer those smarty britches with bank accounts...who leave behind stocks and bonds…rolex watches…and low ball of cherry infused bourbon served with a lady of the nite to drop his low balls on

and who could ferget the story of mystical imagination in…
“Drugs Are Magic”

here you’ll learn how lil Amanda Peonme went from teenage terror to town tramp…with a lil help from her friends…Mr. Hypodermic Needle…Rubbie Hose…Quay Ludes and Krystal Meth...(no relation to Krystal Kleer of course...the only thing that gets her high is her heels) Amanda knows more tricks than a rodeo clown…and after a nite of non stop party’n…her uncontrollable desires take over…until she has a complete break thru…with her breakdown…discover’n the magic of easy uploadable imagery onto xtube when she’s not in control of the the next morn' the office

oh my cher!... remember learn'n the cost of try’n to discover yer talents in…
“Will You Stop That DAMN NOISE!”

grow’n up is never easy…especially when yer a prodigy child…try’n to try out fer the school band…with a mother who’s’ been "ride'n the cotton pony" or hang'n out with her friend "flo" (if ya know what i mean) fer the past 7 days while dad is down’n his 7th bottle of scotch while watch’n a marathon of “my lil girl ain’t so lil any more” in his bvd’s
you'll be green with envy...while read'n another holiday classic...
"The Adventures of the Pedophile Leprechaun"

Pippin will be dripp'n in his drawers when he learns a boy named Peter discovers the end of the rainbow is not full of gold...but alot harder to crack his cracker than he thought...without the proper spermicidal jams and jellies

and nothing says earn'n yer own live'n like...
"My First Meth Lab" 

this will give every lil boy and girl the "how to" tools to not waste mommy's hard earned income she earned ever since daddy moved into the "big house" fer try'n to take mommy's tennis partner Diamond...who works as a weekend Vegas...until  that is...she discovered daddy wasn't bein' totally honest with the IRS

well there ya have it take some time out and read any or all of these
 classics to yer lil teach them how to become the responsible adult you wished you never wanted to be...before it's too late and they end up turn'n tricks and appear'n on day time talk shows!

now get off my dress!

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