but unfortunately...that wasn't the only sad new of this past week...
so without any further interruptions...on with the program...
another holiglazed season is upon us once again that began at sundown…
last fri...then why is this overlooked holiday completely left outta the hallmark section and promotional ads of your fav-o-rit non-denominational super stores...if ya ask me…i say "gimme my fuck'n Passover prezzies…puhleez!"
i may be a lil fuzzy on the facts...just as is anyone in the past 2000 years…since none of us where actually there…so who ya gonna believe?...BUT
apparently the story goes as follows...when Jewbacca and his buddies were lay'n down the law of the land...some imaginationally nonsexual artist of all things that are universal…(the plants…the animals…the people…the remote control) one day flipped out and went all ax-weild'n homicidal maniac on everyone...who then "passed over" the homes of the "penny pinchers"
while slay'n everyone else's first born pile of crappy pants…
in some city far far away…
though some nut case copt an attitude a couple thousand years later and got even…but that's…another story
see kittens…sometimes coming in first does have it's disadvantages at times...i mean…look at most of these winners on the American Idol program...cuz no one else does these days
(that was NOT a paid endorsement)
how has no blood suck'n corporation not jumped on this band wagon?
it's one of the last exploitative days left in the calendar year that's not be give'n some sorta money make'n celebratory mindwarp...NEXT!
though this past weekend proved to be a bit of a celebratory...
holiday of it's own with the remembrance of a MN legend...many friends bday's and one bad nite...which could be perfectly summed up with a lil ditty from Miss Sophie Ellis- Bextor...when my precious...PRECIOUS...P-R-E-C-I-O-U-S pink UV blockers that i had only adopted but one week earlier...and had only managed to get in 2 unworthy publishable selfies in them...before they were ruthlessly...but unintentionally...murdered in a drunken rage on the dance floor...by a very dearly hurt'n kitten of mine...who was left in stitches...and NOT from laugh'n...
then i had a flash back...
a not so long lost…not so good friend of mine who shall remain nameless…(not for privacy reasons…no…only cuz i fergot what his name was while this story went to print) had another…unfortunately close friend of mine for about 17 years at the time…who…at times…could be a complete kitten...
and at other times was completely lost on reality and his equilibrium…thanx to his new bbf Franzia…that he stored conveniently inside a trick pocket he master minded himself...well cuz the price of bein' an intoxicated catastrophe was become'n much too spendy...rang me one sunny sunday funday afternoon to go on a world tour of the downtown liquor establishments of their choice
though i would'a rather stuck toothpicks in my toenails and drank shots of DRANO…i was in need petrol in my pinto blow-about…so i turned the meter on to see how long my patience would last
by the time i had reached my headache...i remembered his name...
DANZILLA...(fer obvious reasons you'll find out soon enough as this mess will progress)...had eyes like the emerald city…a thick black mane atop his noggin with butterfly lashes to match…and lips made out of precious pink pillows..that i wanted to punch numerous times in manysituations
WAIT!!...lemme back it up a bit…
DANZILLA had recently checked outta this very posh…"state run" hotel
after his court ordered year lease was up fer fulfill'n his contractual obligations…and she was ready to go bat shit crazy (or just maybe that's why he rented there in the first place)…either case…he wanted to taste freedom…and to him…that was best served in a chilled martini glass…so off we went
first stop on the booze-a-pa-looser tour…was thee appropriately chosen…
by DANZILLA...and of course he became immediately intoxicatingly fixated on mr. pearly whites bartender after order'n the first round of drinks for his groupies…and i have to admit…he made a faboosh appletini
though i was the designated driver…i knew this tour would last til the 1st one falls…so one wouldn't hurt…would it?...and anyways…i was about to
make my national debut there as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of the universe that halloween…so one like myself...must learn how to be accustomed to this sorta treatment…besides…it's a free cocktail…i could afford that!
now…i'm used to said friend of 17 years & her antics and vocal range after she's filled her tank with whatever alcoholic beverage of choice she could
shove in her trick pockets…on any given nite (it was like watch'n a Tara Reid movie on a loop for the past 15 years)…and i was always try'n desperately to be the voice of reason…but ya can't stop an inebriated locomotive no matter how hard you try!
however the war of words started…i had no desire to play referee!
RUTH threw in a couple good upper cuts and bitch slaps…and DANZILLA
feel'n a bit bruised…and heavily intoxicated…pile drived her with a pussy punch "whatever fatty"…which RUTH is not mind you…she's big boned...
but…so's a stegosaurus...hey...i'm just say'n
i became the buffer between the 2 for a while until i had had enough
so onto the next 3 stops of the tour…which pretty much was the same rinse and repeat routine...the tipage continued thru-out…DANZILLA guzzled his
cocktails and roared his terrible roar…til DANZILLA could no longer roar his terrible roar and he quietly hibernated on my friends couch
one appletini : $7 buy'n some affection/attention fer yer pseudo friends: $28 know'n that you won't have to remember where or how you burnt thru about $300 on a 2 hour tour when you wake up in the morn'n: PRICELESS
moral of the stories…
FIRST…why do certain adults continue to believe in fairytales of a sexually frustrated delusional entity with homicidal tendencies towards the first born of certain religious beliefs…and not give a gift?...yet...as children...we're led
to believe that some guy with a glandular problem from meals-on-wheels dressed in a fuzzy red pimp coat... pants and match'n cap with 8 4-legged slaves drive'n miss crazy around every december...travel'n the world to give every good boy and girl a gift...until we reach about the age of 10 (17 in some southern states) until we learn it was all a hoax...yet we still want our prezzies...regardless!
hmmmm...are ya see'n the connection kittens?
SECONDLY…though times like these were made for Maxwell House…
film'n that day for a YouTube video for the world to witness...would'a made those precious moments much more cherishable!
now if you don't mind…i need to give myself a home lobotomy…
so kindly let yerself out…and puhleez...get of my dress!
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