Monday, November 21, 2016

do yer homework

well...after doin my annual fall clean'n of all my dirty filthy unsalted ...
adulted emails and such...(that my friend Karen wants to go all gestapo on my ass every time i do it)...but hey i like work'n with a clean plate...i came (well...NOT this week yet...but there's still hope) across a blog i was write'n fer the last school i figer'd there's no wait...since i'm have'n brain tumors fer breakfast this week and can't think of a gosh damn fuck'n thing to write about without hemorrhage'n my cerebral cortex over the shit storm that's come'n our way via LORD ORANGE ANUS and his band of despicables...thanx to those fuck'n family friendly deplorables 

 i digress!

though many might wish that their high school years was just a plethora...
of musical diddys and dudes...goin from a beauty queen to a bad ass

we all have had our own cross to bear in the trenches of high school...
whether we were just bein' the pin-up or the pinata

Molly was the painted saint fer all of us misfit Gen Xer's out there...
make'n millions off the pain of bein the most popular princess of our teenage angst...who secretly...we all wanted to be...or at the very least...have her as our very own personal BFF

but once the tantrums have faded...along with yer looks...only the 20 year only wish'd you'd done everything on a much more grandioso scale...(well not go all Columbine mind you) so you could turn yer experience into some major bank account and get outta yer current 
dead end job...i'm still contemplate'n my book/movie deals with the mucky mucks of tinsel town about my scandalously sordid school experiences...i'm think'n mine probably could be titled somethin' like "footballed flakes" or maybe "locker room liaisons" or how about "screw u2" though these might sound more like porn titles...than pulitzer prize's my story!

in the mean's the list of my all time fav top 10 high school melodrama's that'll help you create yer very own million dollar box office smash hit you can start penn'n today and skip all that useless therapy

#10 even though this was originally released in 1982...
is the saturated punk classic with a hideous theme song by one Alice Cooper (that's pretty much a  pooper) but it has all the rough and tough tales of survive'n the inner city schools...starr'n 80's hot daddy Perry King as the hot-to-trot teacher teacher and 50's ferry Roddy McDowall...if that ain't enough to scare the shit outta ya...then Michael Fox (before the J) in his Dorothy Hamill do...will do...i swear it

#9 sometimes bein' teachers pet is just not worth the hassle...
with the easily accessible non verbal world of titillation at yer finger tips...this dark tale of on-line chat room chatter...turns the table...and the fable...about a lil red hood and the big bad wolf of a teacher

#8 live'n in burbville sure ain't all what it's cracked up to be...
picture's the 1970's...ABBA is everywhere and yer bein' brought up in an overly protective and religious household...(i can't even imagine)...but you can when you check out this brilliant dark drama starr'n Kristen Dunst...Kathleen Turner...James Woods and Minnesota's own heart throb Josh Hartnett

#7 well beyond my graduational years...the sleeper hit of 2001
made me wish i was back in high school fer just one more year...a quirky flick starr'n neo emo Thora Birch as Enid and her BFF...a very young Scarlett Johansson as Rebecca and her next door nerdy neighbor Steve Buscemi as Seymour...Enid can't graduate without her art class...but gets classed in art by Seymour...all while become'n teachers pet

#6 not everyone feels the need to feel pretty in pearls and perfume
the 1st of my 2 pix fer best high school flix by the ever talentedly beautiful Winona Dinky with her antisocial attitude in check...and the odd ball out amongst her peers...she anxiously awaits the arrival of her birth mother that she thinks abandoned her as a baby...while build'n her ark of misfit animals

#5 "plus it up...plug it up..."plus it up"...need i say more?
as if that first time when Flo comes to town ain't hard enough...if this De Palma classic with Miss Spacek as the telekinetic teenage terror taught me anything about high that you NEVER fuck with the quiet ones...PERIOD!

#4 how a total crush can really totally crush you to bits
from 1996...being a middle child is never easy...but bein a middle Weiner sux...especially when yer stuck between a nerdy dweeb fer an older brother and perky C-U-Next-Time fer a lil sister...but Dawn manages to find a purpose fer all the electrical circuits rage'n thru her nubile body 

#3 what teenager doesn't feel like their life is fuck'd over?
Christina Applegate as Sue Ellen thinks her last summer before graduation is a free fer all when her mom decides to take a trip down under...only to find out her mother hired a nanny cam marinate'n in ben-gay and orthopedics to keep the clan in check

#2 try'na be the most popular pupil can turn out to be deadly...
is fairly unknown black comedy masterpiece in my mind...filmed in my state of the Purple Paisley yoda...stars a slue of cool funny bold broads from Alley to Ellen...Denise to Dunst...tell'n the tale of a bevy of mid-western wanna-be beauty queens vy'n fer that ultimate meal ticket to become'n the town tramp...I mean that coveted crown of diamelles molest'n yer AquaNetted head and not lett'n anyone step in yer way...or on yer culottes that you hand stitched from the pattern section in yer grannies McCall's catalogue

#1 "fuck me gently with a i look like Mother Teresa?"
my 2nd and ULTIMATE high school trama drama by Miss Winona Ryder as Veronica Chandler and high school hard-on material Christian Slater as the incredibly hot psycho  the masterpiece that was the complete ripped off road map fer the movie "Mean Girls" ...about how to deal with peer pressure and pansy asses...litter'd in classic one liners from beginn'n to end like

for a lil extra credit...i even go one fer those drop-outs
a prequel to the gloriously slap-stick'n series than ran fer 3 hysterical seasons on Comedy Central spoof'n the after school specials of the 80's...centered around Carrie Bradshaw's publicist...this is the story about a Jerri Blank...junkie whore runaway who dropped outta school 32 years ago...who was a boozer...a looser and a user...but goes back to school as a 46 year old freshman to pick up right where she left off

so there ya have it kittens...don't try to remake history...just make it!
now shake a tale feather and get off my dress!

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