so if you haven't seen the conclusion to the most talked about trilogy x3 (also referred to as milk'n a dead horse) in the universe of film by now...well then fuck off and go before you read any further...
bein' one of the originals that actually seen THEE original with my dad...
and 5 sibs at the time...back in 1977...all i can say from what i don't even remember from that time period any longer...outside of the few remnants that i had managed to save in my desk at school a couple years later...was that this was thee most imaginationally magically delicious film i had ever witnessed in my life...and still to this day!
though i can say...after see'n the finale fer the 2 1/2 times...it's s-o-r-t-a
grow'n on me...but lemme start with the coolest visually stimulate'n character in the entire film...and this petrified apricot leader with an attitude of the unexplained First Order...WAS NOT it!
although...i did quite fancy his imperial chamber...it had this sorta ala galactic kool-aid blood clot motif thing happen'n...which was very minimalistically slick and presentational...
think Ming's palace...without all that clutter
no...the 1st new character to command my cornea's attention was his eye popp'n Praetorian Guards...decked out in sleek cherry red armadillo armor...ripped right off the runways of fashion week in Tatooine (i can only assume)...with it's peek-a-boo side slit to show off those match'n shiny patent PETA approved knee high gogo boots...
made their functionality envious of all other guards thru-out the galaxy...especially their distant cousins...the Royal Guards
award fer the most annoy'n waste of screen time goes to...
these bloated weeble wobble rats with wings...sold to the audience as Porgs (or more appropriately titled "design us somethin' we can market to milk the parents of all those lil whiney basturds that'll go apeshit over them") i don't think i need to inform you that they were just a complete waste of technological magic
sorry Charlie...but yer only spinn'n crap outta gold...no matter how hard ya try
after 40 years of fly'n from planet to planet thru-out the galaxy...
Skywalker goes from dream date...to undominant daddy...seriously?
after he checked into Shady pines on the breath take'n and majestically beautiful island of Ahch-To...you'd think he'd kick back and relax by the Ahch-To sea sipp'n on sangrias and solve'n galactic crossword puzzles...but OOOOH NO!...someone needed to check their attitude...along with their cape...at the door...Luke was such a crotchety colostomy bag thru-out this film...
but...in his defense...i guess you would be a pain in the light-saber to deal with to if you hadda depend on yer turtles in waiting constantly serve'n you a metamucil martini...when you know you specifically ordered a manhattan on the rocks
and believe me when i say...i'm all about memorable corny lines ...
from intergalalatic space chatter like "will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way? (among many many others)
but that whole "can you here me now?...i'm on hold" bullshit between Poe make'n a person to person intergalactic ship connection with General Hux durin' the first 30 minutes of the flick...try'na just stall fer time so the Rebels could jump into light speed...gimme a fuck'n break!
that's like discretely try'n cross sell MADONNA's new album when you find out that she was originally supposed to be Kylo Ren's love interest on the planet of Jakku...hey...she's just a hard work'n mother of 6...
work'n hard for the money!
and speak'n of Kylo Ren...who knew what was underneath all that evil apparel...grrrrrranimal!...he's all so grrrrravy on my mashed potatoes!...call me anytime Kylo...i'm wait'n!
every now and then...to feel fresher than an Ewok on Endor and all...
(stormtrooper) BUTT...
H-E-L-L-O...where in the sam H-E-double hockey stix did Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo find a QVC on Gatalenta with L'Oreal #34 Lavender Bliss?...cuz i could'a swore i read somewhere that the Imperial Senate banned all chemically enhanced pigment sales since 3653 BBY (that's Before the Battle of Yavin...do yer research kittens!)...and besides...
she just looked like Effie's aunt from the Hunger Games...AND...not to mention...
all i kept see'n the whole damn entire time durin' the duration of the film was Dr. Ellie Sattler...thank LEIA...she finally jumped into light speed
(and trust me...it wasn't soon enough!)
(and i truly did) when that ship...MC85 Star Cruiser...that she was try'n get to the closest galaxy gas station before they stalled in space...ended up gett'n blown up by storm troopers...cuz her son Kylo lost his evil balls...Leia was the only one to survive the destruction as she floated thru space like some intergalactic mary poppins...to the new ship because of the force?...ummm...if that's the case...
then can someone explain to me why oh why did poor Obi Wan die when he was sliced in half by Vader 40 years earlier...hmmm?...what...was the force a bit prejudice against raisin ranch'n hermits perhaps back in the 70's?
is completely blanketed in salt...seriously?...Leia can survive float'n in space without any sorta breath'n apparatus...(thanx to the force of course)...but the force couldn't save Luke from breath'n a highly toxic sodium intake?...you wanna hide out in a planet full of salt...then you check with yer doctor first...that's just a simple pimple tip from yer unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own galaxy!
btw...i do totally wanna own one of these crystalline wolf/fox/dog/linx thing-a-ma-jiggers though...i mean...why not!...they were pretty cool
i'd be an idiot not to...unlike the prequels when i actually was...and of course i will buy the dvd just to complete my collection
mouse house owns it...let's just hope that they don't bastardize thee entire galaxy fer US originals (and YES it's ALL about US who were there from the start)...i'm sure the follow'n one will be called somethin' like:
STAR WARS: HEY GUYS...COME BACK...WE FOUND ANOTHER JEDI
i am ABSOLUTELY psyched to see "SOLO" next may...but if they fuck up my grade school crush...i'm out!
now get off my dress!
ps...a good friend & genius puppeteer who's entertained countless kids thru-out the mid-west for the past 20 years from high school (and his kids) lost everything on NYE morn'n to a house fire...if yer a great supporter of the arts...Dr. Bob would be beyond grateful...thanx!
click here to donate
i'm all about a gal try'n keep up appearances with a new galactic quaff
(and trust me...it wasn't soon enough!)
as far as make'n it a family affair...i get it...sorta...(i really don't)
but it was awfully nice that Miss Fisher could pull some strings with the force to get her daughter in the film...but what's up with that name...Lieutenant Connix?...quiet frankly to me...she just sounded more like an STD...and ok F-I-N-E...i get the homage to yer mother's iconic cinnabuns from the beginn'n of the franchise...but come on kittens (wait...no don't actually...that's not nice) that's just a sloppy beauty school drop out style at best...cuz they're more interested in who's hitt'n em up on Tinder/Grindr durin' hair & make-up
and as much as i luved me some Leia through-out the entire series...
of course there was plenty of staple fight scenes of good versus evil...
though visually stimulate'n on the big screen...the battle of Crait...where Luke succumbs to the same faded demise as his jedi master Yoda...
all in all...i was glad i went to THE LAST JEDI...notice i said G-L-A-D...
to sum it up...the franchise will never end...now that the goddamn
STAR WARS: HEY GUYS...COME BACK...WE FOUND ANOTHER JEDI
now get off my dress!
ps...a good friend & genius puppeteer who's entertained countless kids thru-out the mid-west for the past 20 years from high school (and his kids) lost everything on NYE morn'n to a house fire...if yer a great supporter of the arts...Dr. Bob would be beyond grateful...thanx!
click here to donate
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