HOCUS POCUS...FOCUS?...ya right!

i always wanted to ride around the midnite skies on a broomstick

(half that wish came true...now if i can only learn how to fly...HA!)

to be part of some sorta coven of cackle'n colostomy carry'n tea drinkers

one of my all time fav-or-it shows i used to watch as a small child when i would visit my grama’s house dealt with cast'n spells and conguration...

and i am not talk'n about this piece of hollyweird dedicationed crap

that the new millennium non verbal communicative generation was shown

no...i'm talk'n about the original television series from the 60’s

starr’n Elizabeth Montgomery as Samantha Stevens…

the perfect suburban housewife…who just happens to be a witch!

and her flamboyantly colorful spit-fire of a mother Endora

with her flame red locks...electric blue shadow and egyptian eyeliner

and how could you ferget the littlest witch of them all…Tabitha

the original Olsen Twin (don’t feel like a total anal wart…i only found out Tabitha was played by twins while doin’ research fer this very important and extremely educational blog)

then of course there were those 3 bad ass witches from Eastwick

but the most famous of all would be the bitchiest witchiest from the west

and her sugar plum saccharinated schoolmate from the northside of town

then there was that lil back story musical that came out years later

about how they became frenemies...if you haven't seen it...YOU MUST!

the QUEEN even played the stylish witch Elspeth in the movie Four Rooms

dizzney of course dabbled up their conjuration fixation back in 1937

while all these super natural sisters possess some sorta super natural hocus pocus powers with the twitch of their nose or the zing of their fingers

there was that one period of time during the 1600's

when it wasn't really in vogue fer them if they were accused of being one

but none compares to the hocus pocus i experienced recently on a pilgrimage to an open house i went to a couple weekends ago

and before i begin…this is a TOTAL observation on my part…from MY point of view as an innocent on liquor…i mean on looker…at a BUDDHIST gather’n!

trust me…i’d wish i was on liquor half way thru this rodeo show

Buddhism and Hinduism are sorta a cross stitch religion that seek the wisdom more than the worship...but i ain't got time to break them down seperately...so feel free to wikipedia yer ass away anytime ya want!

to begin...traditionally...a buddhist monk is rapped in like 300 count red/orange bed sheets from some sorta bed...bath and beyond buddha shop

with a very closed cropped hair style...to cut down on the shampoo bill

think Sinead O'connor...

but with alot less grammy nominations

they have a good eye for the use of bright and cheerful colors

unlike that other store bought religion that's more torturous on the eyes

but if ya ask me…it’s just like that pillow factory in the sky that the other religion believes in…only on some kinda hocus pocus acid trip

when ya boil em all down in the big melt'n pot of life though…

they basically all just say’n be NICE to everyone!

so of course who hasn't heard of the Tibetan BUDDHA

(if ya haven't...this is it folks)

then there's KRISHNA...the most popular well known of the Hindu g*ds

think they might have a copyright infridgment lawsuit againt these guys

pretty much the same look...with alot less drag

then there's Hanuman...the monkey g*d

who i'm sure had somethin' to do with make'n these monkeys into a very popular franchise since the 60's

and my fav-o-rit of all g*ds...is VIRAT SWARUPA

it's like a poo-poo platter of personalities

wasn't Sally Fields portrayal of this one to perfection?

so anywho...i sat thru my 1st session a few weeks back with a bunch of monks and burbanite raisin ranchers…humm’n and humm’n some hocus pocus chant from a book...

when i realized they just sounded like a bunch of gereatrics

try'n to jump start a jeep parade

then throw in the occasional dinner bell

(which i read no indication in the book i was try’n to follow along with…about when the ring'n of the dinner bell should occur)

and you got a very underground version of the Tabernacle Choir...but trust me...the Tabernacle Choir does'nt have to worry about gett'n voted off on the next season of “chant’n with the religious stars”

as one of the zombies…i mean chanter’s…(and this i cannot confirm nor deny since i chose not to partake in this ritual) passed out some sorta grits and bacon bits to the unmalnourished flock…(GEEZ…what am i think’n) i mean the starve’n space cadets…i’m think’n…i’d wished i hadda V8 with some stoli

and no where in the program does it state that you are to eat only half…and give the rest as an offer’n to fill the Buddha's belly

now here me out… wouldn’t it be more prudent…and far more practical…time wise let’s say…if this REALLY needs to be part of the gong show…(i mean ceremonial festivities)…to only let the catatonic crowd take what they need to devour…

cuz trust me…fer us new comers forced into this atmosphere under false pretenses or those who’ve gathered cuz they have no clue what to do with themselves religiously…you see someone come’n at you with a plate of twigs and berries…i’m sorry…but g*d or no g*d…

it’s hungry hungry hippo time at this point of the game…let the g*d find his or her own table scraps…i was hungry!

and apparently so was the one sitt’n next to me…cuz when the waiter came back fer the offer’n…there was none to be had

ummm…sorry charlie!

half the congregation at this point had no clue what page everyone was on after the ceremonial offer’n of the table scraps...and i no longer had zero interest in partake’n in this hocus pocus focus group anymore…and my prayer was answered when someone came in behind me and i generously offered up my seat and made a b-line back to reality

now i may sound like i got a stick up my Vishnu

but hey……ya never get a second chance to make a first impression

well…unless of course yer Pete Burns from “you spin me around” fame

but to my credit....i sorta have already dabbled in this once before...
when Boy George was inspired by the hari krishna’s and Buddha

back in the early 90’ with his short lived band JESUS LOVES YOU

and wrote a complete album of songs with the tambourine players in mind...called “THE MARTYR MANTRAS”

“BOW DOWN MISTER” was sorta the top 10 long distance dedication to the religion

“paint a tilak on your brow…open like a lotus flower…

it's time to check your karma now...hare, hare, hare”

but unlike most organized religions look’n fer hand-outs…from my quick classes via wikipedia…this is the one that seems less about comdemn’n non heterosexual man on non heterosexual man action …say’n that ALL sexual gratification will not lead you to the “path of enlightenment”…which is where apparently they wanna go in their next life

upon further exploration though...turns out that the reign’n Dalia Lama who soon will be reliquish’n his crown…

stands by the traditional Buddhists rules about sexuality

that the 69 position

butt pirate’n

and shillelagh schlack’n

is forbidden by ANYONE!

well…that leaves me out from ever contribute’n or convert’n to their cause…i’m sorry…but i can find more ways to enlightenment with my rusty ol' right hand!

so in close’n…glad those that do practice this form are less judgmental than most store bought religious brands...but currently i have no plans on join’n this hocus pocus focus group anytime soon either

kapeesha Ganeesha!

practice it without preach'n it…and puhleez...get off my dress!

fangs alot!

i am not easily swayed by people’s opinions about anything when it comes to television programm’n…cuz everyone has one and i just ignore most of them by nature…no big whoop!

it’s like when someone (usually of the non homosexual persuasion) thinks they found the perfect person fer me…hmmm…lemme guess why…cuz they’re ummm…GAY?

nothing against old purses...

i dated one fer 4 years

or gossipy fruitcakes

who still bitch ever since they got their pigtails pulled on the playground

but kitten puhleez!…you may say po-tae-toe…but i say fer me...that’s just way to much starch!

i was never a huge fan of Dracula grow’n up…

i like my meat burnt not rare…and bats just creep me out all together

the Count from Sesame Street was just a creepy numerical nightmare

and i was not very coo-coo fer Count Chocula either

but who could resist the vampy campy charms of Grampa Munster…

who i met the year before he died...in Anoka with the old purse i was date’n at the time…and he was still the loveable person he always was (Grampa Munster that is)

the LOST BOYS had the hottest bloodsuckers i remembered grow'n up

Jason Patric was like the dreamy Taylor Lautner of my time…

(minus the pig nose and huge bank account of course)

and Keifer Sutherland was like the Billy idol of bloodsuckers

Bram Stroker's Dracula had the perfect cast portray'n the night stalker...

but hadda ruin it by hire'n this surf'n dude for it

who's annoy'n british accent came off like some west coast wino

since i am still in the dark ages technology wise have’n no cable or internet in my house by choice…i only heard thru the grapevine about this new show called TRUEBLOOD

well it’s in season 4 now i guess…but my good friend Faedre swears i would love it…ya right!

i was sooo over the whole Twilight madness being shoved down my throat...

and Buffy the Vampire Slayer series put me to sleep for the entire run…

so i was hell bent on loath’n yet another vampire fascination…and i refused to watch any downloaded episodes Faedre had for me for the longest time

until…

last xmas…season one was on sale fer 12 bux or somethin’ like that…so instead of lett’n my hard earned hole-in-my-pocket ching ching get slipped into the g-string of some bitchy bar entertainment…

i broke down and bought the damn show and stayed inside all weekend to watch the entire season all the way thru in one sitt’n

and ya know what…(enter the preverbial pun here)

it was FANG-F*CK’N-TASTIC!!!

TRUEBLOOD is the grown-ups answer to TWILIGHT…though i have to say...i feel like i've seen these characters before played first in the 70’s and 80’s

minus the super natural powers and thirst fer blood of course!

without gett’n into too much of the plots…i’ll give ya the visual reasons to watch the seasons

Sookie Stackhouse is the tough as nails waitress who takes no one's crap

who’s sister...25 years ago...would'a been none other than Daisy Duke

Jason Stackhouse is the hot numb skull player brother of Sookie’s...

Zach Morris from "Saved by the Bell" fame was his doppleganger hanger

Bill Compton is the brown haired bloodsucker with a crush on Sookie…

and completely Luke Duke...minus the 10 gallon cap...and 150 yrs older

Eric Northman is the blonde bloodsucker who means business

very much like his ancestor Bo Duke…no duh!

Pamela Swynford De Beaufort is the saucy vamp assistant at Fangtasia

much like Loni Anderson was the secretary runn'n the show at WKRP

Sam Merlotte is the owner and bartender of Merlotte’s…and a shapeshifter

shall we say...ummm...totally “inspired” by Sam Malone from “CHEERS”

come on...the writers just changed a couple letters in his last name fer christ sakes!

Tommy Mickens is Sam Merlotte's shapeshift'n younger brother

think...Bud Bundy with an attitude and a better stylist

Arlene Fowler is the feisty red headed waitress with the “kiss my grits” attitude…

just like the feisty red head beehived "kiss my grits" originator waitress

Tara Thornton is the waitress with all the bad luck and breakdowns…

so very very Vera Gorman…but with a weave and more meat on her bones

and non caucasian of course...to broaden the demographic dollars

Lafayette Reynolds is the non bloodsuck'n non caucasian fruit roll-up cook

he's Flip Wilson without the wigs and ribbons and way more 'roids

Terry Bellefleur is the hick with a heart and top chef at Merlotte’s…

he’s the equivalent to Mel Sharples minus the gut and orangutan arms

Hoyt Fortenberry is the love sick mama’s boy with a hard-on fer Jessica…

you may remember his older brother Meathead from “All in the Family”

Jessica Hamby is the red headed whiney host at Merlotte’s…

over peroxide her hair and you get Gloria from “All in the Family”

Maxine Fortenberry is the loud-mouth-in-yer-face mother of Hoyt's

just like the fabulous out spoken Roseanne was fer 8 seasons years ago

Jesus Velasquez is the token hot tamale candy striper…who's a witch...

he can come across my boarders anytime!

AC Slater was his other cuz'n with a green card...i'm sure of it

Alcide Herveaux is the hunky werewolf with a HUGE…appetite for his x

here's one where he's wear'n a shirt....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrravey train!

off hand though...i can’t think of any tv guy from years past that he could'a been…so how's about just look’n at him one more time huh!

ow...ow...ow...oooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Detective Andy Bellefleur is the drunk bumbling cop want'n to be the hero

who ends up bein' one and becomes the sheriff

hmmm....ain't that the same thing Roscoe P Coltrane wanted years ago?

Sheriff Bud Dearborne is the the head of the law enforcement center...

much like Larry was with his 2 other brothers from “Newhart” fame…

exact same person with the exact same personality…just a different hat!

i just finished with season 3 and in need of another feed’n…but i will wait til the xmas season to get it on sale (unless some kacklin' kitten out there read'n this is wonder'n what to get me this year...wants to put this in my stock'n...*wink*wink*)

i won’t push it on anyone…i’ll just say…if yer look’n fer somethin’ to “sink yer teeth into” (sorry had to throw in one last one)…TRUE BLOOD is THEE show that covers everything for everyone…from race to religion…sexual preference…to sexual perversions…from the young and the old…to the skinny and the bold!

so thanx alot Faedre…you were right…this time

but anyone else try’n to tell me that i’ll love this show or that show…get in line…and get off my dress!