Monday, April 25, 2011


live’n the life of an unintentional internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of the universe isn’t all THAT BAD!

sure…the invites to all those after bar movie premiere parties in hollyweird with the likes of Cher...Madonna…Brangelina…Tomkat…and that one guy that always plays an extra in every movie ever made…may have gotten lost in the US postal system somewhere…but if one can make their mark in the minne-apple…they will surely fail everywhere else!

but behind the glitter and glamour one acquires from live’n the life of an unintentional internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of the universe…lies the undeny'n fact that all that not fake swarovski crystals…which we’ll take a closer look on with tonite's 1st of a 3 part series on...


grow’n up in a small minnesota cowtown…Krystal Kleer…as she’s known as to her die-hard fan Jess and the many who have subsiquently ran across her while try'n to catch another performer…wouldn’t even be born for another 25 years…though attempts were made to break her outta her shell…

at the tender and supple age of 15…Krystal’s grandmama Viola…whom she had been live’n with at the time…sensed her grandchild was bitten by the 80’s gender bender bug…and took matters into her own hands

Viola…the open minded loving patriarch to the large irish catholic family...decided one day to take down her brown polyester curtains from her front windows...after a still yet unknown Krystal...had cashed in her recyclables to buy her first wig…gave her money to stop down at the corner hardware store to pick up a can of black spray paint while Viola stitched and sewed til the wee hours of the morn’n…create’n Krystal’s first even’n gown for halloween that year of ‘86…Krystal went out as the mistress of the dark Elvira that year…it was to be the pivotal point into what lay ahead… (pause for commercial break)

“that lump-on-a-log luva of yers got ya down?…work’n yer pretty lil bones to death without any appreciation?…sweat’n like a whore at a republican convention…cook’n dinner for the one you love without any sorta climactic satisfaction?....try “DUESH AWAY!”

simply add one scoop of “DUESH AWAY!” to his fav-o-rit alcoholic beverage and stir…then "give him" the bottle (bottle smashes across face and beer drips into mouth) the gentle cleanse’n actions work almost immediately with that good fer nutt’n a-hole you call yer luva…turn’n their genetically malfunctioned molecular structure from hose bag…to heaven sent!…get “DUESH AWAY” today!

(and now…back to KRYSTAL KLEER: BEHIND THE BEAUTY pt.1)

after fall’n victim to the infamous 80’s gender bender bugitis in the summer of '86…which claimed the lives of other...more notably famous people like BOY GEORGE…MARILYN…ANNIE LENNOX…GRACE JONES and many others during this colorfully flamboyant outbreak…for Krystal…school was no longer an option…and after deal’n with the slings and arrows from her classroom critics and a certain fellow student who took it upon himself after a childish bet from fellow teammates to viscously attack her "crown of spikes" she created with her hair in the fall of '87…she opted for a chance to shine in the dim spotlight and have her PEOPLE’S COURT moment... sue'n the prick and lett'n it be known that Krystal was force not to be ignored

for the next 4 years...Krystal would jump from broom closet to bedrooms or anywhere else she could lay her head down to count sheep...earned her degree as a beauty school drop-out...before pack’n her hair and heels and head’n fer the bright lights of the minne-apple in the summer of ‘91.

shortly after arrive’n…she met a tall beautiful Bridget Bardot-ish performer named Kurtis from the phone line one late nite…who introduced her days later to a flock of performers…in a stretch limo…on the corner of crackville avenue and hooker junction in south minne-apple…at 2 am one friday nite

after being wisked away thru the lake of the aisles and a subsequent stop at some random mansion along the route…where the gaggle of gurls…dripp’n in sequins and feathers…piled outta the limo and made a b-line to the front open porch…and as if they had rehearsed this routine for weeks…had all lifted up their gowns and proceeded to paint the porch floor with their homemade lemonade…

like a junkie on heroin…Krystal was hooked!

days later Krystal had the pleasure of see’n her newly found friendships perform’n at a famous downtown entertainment establishment called the GAY 90’s…and learned the tricks of the trade when she was led backstage to meet the mastermind behind the colorful madness she had seen on stage…Mr. Ron

Mr. Ron was the matriarch and leader of the lovelies on stage at the time…and even though she couldn’t lyp-sync for her life on just about every song she ever performed …Eartha Kitt’s “champagne taste" was her oscar winn’n spot on performance…Mr. Ron knew how to make the crowd go crazy for her gurls!

Krystal knew…before the curtain would close on her for eternity…she wanted to cross that stage off her bucket list…and she would have that chance…4 years later!

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