with all the hoopla goin' on in my naturally born...single...non heterosexual life these days...filled with the 3 B's...bar's...booze...and boy's...(turns into the 3 M's after 50...metamucil...Matlock reruns...and mens-a-pause)...that i'd almost fergotten what it was like to concentrate solely on just ONE person...besides myself...fer a change
mainly becuz i'm reminded recently...on a daily basis...how utterly frustrate'n it can be...by friends and family members...who are...for a lack of a better word...completely JEALOUS of my chosen life (ya won't find me in the freezer section of yer fav-o-rit grocery store at 9 pm frantically look'n for that chemically injected cookie dough for the next PTA meet'n anytime soon cuz yer too damn tired to make em yerself!)
oh...i don't mean being a MO'...(that's "naturally born non heterosexual" fer those still spitt'n their copenhagen in a tin can and play'n pocket pool with their "buddies" at the cabin on the weekends with back issues of Megan Fox in the pages of MAXIM magazine)
i was...how the Lady G so affectionately sung it to her flock of fans..."born this way"
no...i mean...choose'n to be SINGLE lifestyle...after all...it is a CHOICE we all make!!
so why is it that i constantly feel the need to give to charity?
i mean...i’ve give’n to march of dimes...performed free for aids charities over the years...volunteered for the raisin rancher’s at any given hospice...consoled the socially retarded...chemically dependant...and emotionally unavailable mo’s
when is enough...ENOUGH?
recently...a while ago...i decided it was time to venture into unknown territory again for another charitable act of the week...(most call it...a date)...to the outer reaches of my planet...called...
C-H-A-S-K-A!! (cue dah...dah...daaaaaaah! music)
this guy i'd been chatt'n to the other nite...a while ago (YES…i’m still on the phone line from time to time...but fer narcoleptic purposes only) says he’s 38 years old with 3 grown kids...one being 20...a mo’...and live'n with him...and said he (my date) has been compared to a member of the GLEE club...so im think’n...OK...they're all pretty good look'n and my type...(well...those of the male persuasion of course...after all...i am just a gurl) if they were older of course...(my babysitt'n days are O-V-E-R!)
so we both decided to finally meet at his place the next nite around 7 pm for a movie before i went back to count'n sheep fer the remainder of my sleep deprivation
WELL...lemme break it down fer ya...one by one
first off...as i'm drive’n to what-the-hell-am-i-think’n land...i called to confirm directions...as i would never venture out on a school nite...(especially when it was as frigid and uncomfortable as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes mack'n it up fer the paparazzi)...but he tells me i'm close...so he was gonna jump in the shower and his son would let me in
i make it to his place...and of course...no doorbell in my immediate sight to ring...and i was in no mood to go on a scavenger hunt look'n for one...so his son notices me out the window and opens the garage door (i felt like C-3PO wait’n to enter Jabba’s lair)
secondly...the son (legally 20 fer those wonder'n) was like a mini version of Johnny Depp from the "21 jump street" days...all tattooed up in the correct places...black baggy pants with a match'n black shirt with the top button slightly open...just enough to expose the beginn'n of "someone's" imaginational thoughts
(i'm think'n...grrrrravey on my mash potatoes)
though we had some things in common...(while i was wear'n safety pins in the 80's to look cool...he was wear'n 'em to stay dry) i was here to see his dad...not be his "daddie"
but i was guess'n the apple fell off a good tree...so i wasn't gonna push the panic button yet...maybe it was worth the drive after all
and he was super polite too (somethin’ i can freely admit...i am not at times)
he leads me to the top floor of the town home where it reeked of burbanite
you know...that smell of Costco overstock pre-packaged crap to eat...
Wickes furniture...Chuck Norris gym equipment and burnt out glade plug in’s...still plugged in
i tried to push the eject button...but i couldn't escape the son’s gravitational pull...he was cook’n noodles (while undress'n me with his eyes)
he had "GLEE" on in the kitchen...so we chatted about that and how cool it was...and he couldn’t stop admire’n and gush’n about my attire i had on...(HELLO!...have you seen me?) i couldn’t either if i wasn’t already me...(ummm...insert laugh here)
i totally felt like i was a passenger aboard the can-it-get-any-better-than-this airlines
thirdly...but then it happened...(*mayday*maybay*mayday*...you may now use your seat as a flotation device...we are experience'n a major malfunction)
i no longer felt like C-3PO...but more like Princess Leia shackled to Jabba’s throne!!
my date...WALKED IN!!
fourthly...we’ll go with 38 first
while i was actually 38 in 2008...he was 38 in like 1968!...ok...maybe that’s a bit of a stretch...and possibley a lil shallow...(we ALL do it on 1st dates...
finger pointers!) but let’s just say...use’n Milton Burle mud masks on a weekly basis since you were...what?...like 12...not sooo good!
(i want you to close yer eyes and visualize)
ok...so maybe he wasn't lie'n about being compared to a cast member of "GLEE"...i just wasn't picture'n the lezbitronic football coach in my fantasy date (and believe me when i say...i'm being kind here)
he looked more like Miss Jane Hathaway...who'd been bitch slapped by a coke habit fer the better part of the 90's...in bad 80’s low ride’n acid wash jeans...a crappy 70’s football jersey made for the jolly green giant...and still uses the same smart plastic bag with punch holes to pull yer hair thru by nice’n’easy...to give yerself that unsuspect’n high lite job (the only good thing i can say about his appearance is that i’m glad he recycles!)
plus...he had marinated himself in enough paco raban that could choke a hippopotamus!
but...i figured...since i was already there...just suffer thru one damn movie
so we went with KALIFORNIA with Brad Pitt and Juliette Lewis...why not! (at least i could look at somethin’ hot...since i forgot my compact in the car...HA)
(feel free to take a breathier at this point...make yerself a cocktail...then strap yourself in for the second half of the show)
and now...back to the show
by now...as i settle down into his leather lazyboy...the son...of course...
kept walk’n in and out of the movie...while Miss Hathaway kept belch’n away with her Budweiser (i know...pretty huh...in a can none the less)
and pose'n like some egyptian hieroglyphic on the couch like he was gett'n ready to spawn
the second time...he (the son) came down with just a pair of shorts and a
wife beater on
i did all i could to concentrate on the movie and not wish i was 20 years old again...(though if genetics plays any part into that kids future...he better snag on to someone quick before gravity smacks the shit outta him)
of course...i could tell McDrunk was nervous as hell half way thru the movie...(why the hell wouldn’t he be...he’s got a goddamn unintentionally internationally unknown star in his presence)...cuz about every 20 minutes
he would say to me..."you won’t hurt my feel’ns if you wanna leave now...i can tell by your body language i know i’m not your type”
why?...just cuz i was sitt’n there on his tacky leather Wickes close-out chair from 1995...look'n like i was wheeled in like Hannibal Lector with face mask and strappy jacket on
hey...who ever said charity didn’t come with a price?
i did all i could from tell’n him to shut the F up...cuz i was try’n to concentrate on the movie that i’d seen like 1000 times before in complete silence...and wanted to see it 1001 times in complete silence
i made it thru this movie without look’n at him once...(for if i did...i was afraid i would turn into stone)...and graciously...said thanx for the invite to his spiderweb...i mean...humble abode
as he walked me down the steps...and out the door...the stench of costco and marination was but just a distant memory...and as i drove off into the bleak bitter nite...i realized one thing...i’m 40 and i still have a pulse!
so if anyone thinks i'll be mainline'n a relationship anytime soon...for the sake of a relationship because of my biological clock...ain't happen'n anytime soon!!
i don’t need to dip into the desperado pool...just yet...my hand ain't broken...besides...everything works out for the best in the end for me anyways
but wouldn’t ya know it though...i wake up the next morn’n...to 2 messages from him...one beginn’n at 11:47 pm say’n he had a great time watch’n the movie with me and wanted to be “friends” (apparently he was have’n an outer body experience last nite)...then a drunker message at 1:34 in the am hour...tell’n me it’s ok...he said his son talked to me on the same phone line a while back and wasn’t gonna hang out with someone that talks to his son as well!
why...just because his son is a little closer to the top of the food chain?
Miss Hathaway...puhleez...stay A-W-A-Y...and get off my dress!!
(phone rings in my head)
"HELLO...Master Bayshun...yea...i'd like to make an appointment!"