Monday, April 18, 2011

PASS OVER and OUT

so tonite…at sundown…begins this overlooked holiday completely left out from the hallmark section and promotional ads of your fav-o-rit non-denominational super store...and if ya ask me…i say “gimme my Passover prezzies…please!”

i may be a lil fuzzy on the facts…(as is anyone in the past 1000 years…since none of us where actually there…so who ya gonna believe?) but apparently the story goes as follows…

this imaginational nonsexual artist of all things that are universal…(the plants…the animals…the people…the REMOTE) one day flipped out and turned into an ax-wheeling homicidal maniac who “passed over” the homes of the “penny pinchers” while slay’n everyone else’s first born pile of crappy pants…in some pyramid city far far away…(though some nut case copt an attitude a couple thousand years later and got even…but that’s…another story)

see kittens…sometimes coming in first does have it’s disadvantages at times...i mean…look at most of the winners on the American Idol program
(that was NOT a paid endorsement)

how has no blood suck'n corporation not jumped on this band wagon?
sounds like the perfect gift give’n celebration to me…don’tcha think?

well…if ya don’t believe the BS in that story (my cliff noted version of course) that i was try’n to “pass off” (hey…some denominations choose to)and that’s…their choice (unlike mine to be a non-heterosexual)

perhaps you’ll enjoy the follow’n that took place recently…the other day…a week or so ago…

a not soo long lost…not so good friend of mine who shall remain nameless…(not for privacy reasons…no…only cuz i fergot what his name was while this story went to print) had another…unfortunately close friend of mine for about 17 years now…who…at times…is a complete kitten...and at other times is completely lost on reality and his equilibrium…thanx to his new bbf FRANZIA IN A BOX…(they’re inseparable) named Sallie Mae Day Hat…rang the owner of the Sallie Cab (that would be me) to go on a world tour of the downtown liquor establishments of their choice one sunday afternoon

though i would’a rather stuck toothpicks in my toenails and drink’n shots of DRANO…i needed petro in my pinto blow-about…so i turned the meter on

by the time i arrived…i had remembered…DANZILLA was his name!!

eyes like the emerald city…with a thick black mane of hair atop his noggin and butterfly lashes to match…and lips that look like they're made out of precious pink pillows

WAIT!!...let’s back it up a bit…

DANZILLA had recently checked out of a very posh…”state run” hotel…after his “year lease” was up for “fulfill’n his obligations”…and was ready to go batshit crazy (or maybe that’s why he rented there in the first place)…either case…he wanted to taste freedom…and to him…that was best served in a chilled martini glass…so off we went

first stop on the booze-a-pa-looser tour…was the appropriately chosen…LUSH…why not!

DANZILLA became immediately intoxicatingly fixated on mr. pearly whites bartender after order’n the first round of drinks for his groupies…and i have to admit…he made a faboosh apple-tini

though i was designated driver…i knew this tour would last til the 1st one falls…so one wouldn’t hurt…would it?...and anyways…i’m about to make my national debut as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of the universe…so one must learn to be accustomed to this sorta treatment…besides…it’s a free cocktail…i can afford that!

now…i’m used to Sallie Mae’s antics and vocal range after she’s filled her tank with whatever alcoholic beverage of choice it may be…on any given nite for that matter (it’s like watch’n a Tara Reid movie on a loop for the past 15 years)…and me always try’n desperately to be the voice of reason….but ya can’t stop a locomotive no matter how hard you try!

this time though…i got to sit back and enjoy the show…as Sallie Mae had met her match!

one apple-tini…$7 …buy’n some affection for your pseudo friends…$28 know’n that you won’t have to remember where or how you burnt thru about $300 on a 2 hour tour when you wake up in the morn’n…PRICELESS!
(or in this case...about $300)

DANZILLA had drowned himself in 5 apple-tini’s at this point and basically prostituted his affection for mr. bartender’s attention with a $20 bill after each martini he chugged down (of course it may had somethin’ to do with the fact that the bartender was a drug dealer)…cuz every time he bent over…he was sell’n a lil crack…and at some point during the chaos and confusion of booze-a-pa-looser…DANZILLA had jumped into the mosh pit with a healthy gal named RUTH

however the war of words started…Sallie Mae had no desire to play referee!

RUTH threw in a couple good upper cuts and bitch slaps…and DANZILLA…feel’n a bit bruised…and heavily intoxicated…pile drived her with a pussy punch “whatever fatty”…which RUTH is not mind you…she’s big boned (but…so’s a stegosaurus)

i became the buffer between the 2 for a while until Sallie Mae had had enough!

so onto the next 3 stops of the tour…which pretty much was the same rinse and repeat routine...the tipage continued thru-out…DANZILLA guzzled his cocktails and roared his terrible roar…til DANZILLA could no longer roar his terrible roar and he quietly hibernated on Sallie Mae’s bed by the time i turned the meter off

moral of the stories…

FIRST…why do certain adults continue to believe in fairytales of a sexually frustrated delusional entity with homocidal tendencies towards the first born of certain religious beliefs…and not give a gift?...yet...as children...we're led to believe that some guy with a glandular problem from meals-on-wheels dressed in a fuzzy red pimp coat... pants and match'n cap with 8 4-legged slaves drive'n miss crazy around every december...travel'n the world to give every good boy and girl a gift...until we reach about the age of 10 (17 in some southern states) and by then we learn it was all a hoax...but we still want our prezzies...regardless!

hmmmm...are ya see'n a connection kittens?

SECONDLY…though times like these are made for Maxwell House…film’n this day for a youtube video for the world to witness would make these precious moments alot more cherishable!

now if you don’t mind…i need to give myself a home lobotomy…so kindly let yerself out…and puhleez...get of my dress!

1 comment:

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