Monday, June 6, 2011

Text’n…Sext’n…Perplex’n…oh my!

so i ain’t gonna beat around yer bush…I LOATHE NON VERBAL COMMUNICATION!

and here’s why…

first off…i like waste’n my money on things i like to waste my money on…like MADONNA (her poor children…i swore i seen them hold’n up “will dance fer food” signs the other day)… music…movies…marvelous shoes…men now and then…(NO not in THAT way!)…do i look like i have to pay for my affection just cuz i have a horrible comb over and tangerine colored paint smothered all over my face pretend’n to run fer the big office when really…i’m just try’n to get the rate’ns up on my crappy reality show?....ummm….yea riiigh!

at one point about 6 years back…when text’n was all the rage…my ex at the time…told me to get it for times when he needed to say somethin’ meaningful and quick …ended up communicate’n 99.9% of his rage to me…via the TEXT!

here’s the problem with that…

after one of our many “disagreements” (he was bi-polar…so that was about every 15 minutes)…i would leave and head back to my place which was about 10 minutes away…and within that 10 minute drive that i was try’n to figer out why am i lett’n this psycho cycle continue…i would receive approximately 5 to 10 text’s from him…(though most writers would probably consider them more like short stories)

first one would be curse’n me out with every foul word…in alphabetical order…then i would get a follow-up text seconds later…apologize’n in some sorta haiku form…followed by a reversal of last text…then some random ? about watch’n “our” tv show CSI together later on in the week…as if no argument took place to begin with (it wasn’t really my show of choice…but i liked watch’n it with him)

most of the time i thought he was kidd’n…only to be scolded like a 5 year old later on when we would meet up and he said he was being serious…and then there were other times when i thought he was totally being serious…he would say he was just kidd’n!

i am not a psychologically technologically analytically decoder of textology!

50% of our relationship was text’n…which…at the time…meant 50% of my fun money would get wasted on pay’n for these texts every month…when really…i needed that 50% of money to get myself wasted just to deal with him

it only lasted 9 months…(no need for yer “don’t worry …you’ll find someone” greet’n card) i’m waaay over it!

neither of us were really at fault when i look back at it…we just weren’t meant to be (but this is MY blog…and i’m tell’n the story…he just needed to grow up he gets 90% of the blame for it’s demise…so there!)

then on top of all that…i would get random texts from friends just ask’n…”what’s up?”…or “how’s it goin?”…or my least fav-o-rit “where r u?” (again…waste’n my money on things i don’t want to waste it on) cuz i was gett’n charged regardless if i responded to it or not

before ya jump on my case…i am aware now…these days unlimited plans are fairly cheap…but still…that’s like a cocktail i’m miss’n out on once a month

in general…friends…family…and that questionable someone i may or may not care about fer the next 5 minutes…are afraid to pick up the phone cuz they don’t want to waste time talk’n on the phone…or they'll get the brain cancer or...or...OR...but have no problemo spend'n my money and waste'n my time at least a minimum of 3 or 4 texts try’n to get the answer to the question that may not even have been meant for me to begin with cuz they’re have’n a threesome with their cellphone…or was sent by mistake…or not meant to say that…or spelt out the wrong 3 letter code…or was interpreted wrong by the receiver who doesn’t even know WTF the damn code stands for anyways…or WHATEVER!!!...(see where i’m goin with this kittens?)

THEN…they waste their time wait’n for a reply (and CHER forbid if you take too damn long to reply to their ass or type the wrong response or better yet…DIAL THEM BACK to ask them what the hell they are talk’n about!)

they pull that passive aggressive BS and don’t even pick up…and send you a text once you hang up and say “so…where are you?”…or the text didn’t go thru or they won’t even reply right away…or…or…or…

UGGGGGGGGGH!….i feel like Charlie Brown try’n to kick the damn ball!

even worse are those under-the-table texters (this breed usually can be found on dates that start to go south) no point in point’n them out….you know who you are! unless yer a doctor or a director…kindly ignore that buzz in yer pants alert’n you…or i will kindly ignore you...and ya won’t be gett’n any buzz from me!

secondly…and i won’t waste much time on this one…let’s talk about sext baby!

yes it’s instant gratification for voyeuristic salvation when yer take’n a 20 minute break in the boy’s room play’n tetris while the guy on the other side of the wall next to you is try’n to “release” some pressure in his button flies…while make’n chunks of meat loaf…splash’n in the bowl

pretty huh!

it also serves as a temptation salad when decide’n whether or not you wanna drive that extra 30 miles because yer gett’n carpal tunnel from doin all the work yerself...(and ya need a lil “interaction”)…only to find out…the Tom Cruise look’n guy turns out to look more like Tom Brokaw with a peg leg and a glass eye!

or worse yet…you send a sext to the wrong person…and you get an uncomfortable message 2 days later from yer str8 friend (who now…all of a sudden…is about as straight as a wet noodle)

these are based on actual events kittens

cellphonix suck….interpretation is sooo damn perplex’n!

if ya take a look back at history…i suppose you could argue that Pocahontas started the whole damn text’n craze with his smoke signals…modern man just figered out a way to rectify them more user friendly

and they do serve certain logical purposes…like when ya can’t hear in a crowded bar or hang’n out in a 25 cent video booth and ya wanna alert other "theater goers" of the undercover operator

but kittens…we are losing the art of verbal communicado rapidly…future generations will no longer need to learn a secondary language…let alone their own…they’ll be hire’n personal trainers for their fingers tips from the onset of arthritis at an early age

i was even offered the other day by a potential failure…to have my text’n paid for by him for the year…so he could just say “hey” and that he was think’n of me

the internet alone is enough of a non verbal addiction for me thank you

“hey” is for horses…text’n is just a mess
if you have issues with my issue…go tell Oprah…she cares
and puhleez…get off my dress!

*break'n news*...this just in...yes...thanx to MISS JACKIE BEAT who was an irresistable delight to meet...i am now part of this damn non verbal world...which means my bill has gone up and cut into my cocktail don't think i won't be collect'n one from each and every one of you bitches when i see you next :)

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