Monday, February 27, 2012

cry me a river

there are many many many things in this crazy Cher-fer-sake'n world that can make all of us break down and weep from time to time!

not gett'n a hold of tickets to the GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH this year
might personally get MY waterworks system move'n in the right direction
(FYI...that AIN'T a happen'n...thanx to my dear friend Emily...kisses)

chopp'n up one of these suckers fer yer salad will do the trick

knock'n over a glass of moo juice might turn some into a whine ass
but apparently it originated as an offer'n to the faeries in the folklore
period and this was considered to be good luck for those who did it
(but put that in yer useless information bank and smoke it)

try'n to save a couple of bucks...instead of call'n a real professional
only to have it go awry...will make yer eye ducts start to well up and make you think twice about watch'n another damn TLC remodel'n program

or a misunderstand'n...that goes askew...while hold'n a pick axe in yer hand
may make a Maury Povich audience member let out a sigh of empathy for you...but yer still gonna probably get 5-10 in the big boy pen when it's over

i was fumblin' thru my dvd collection last weekend after a difficult day
with my conscious tell'n me what to do...after o.d.'n on a 6 pack of red bull...try'n to find somethin' to get the ol' R.E.M's to kick in
no...not these guys silly kitten

these guys...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
i cannot confirm or deny that this is or is not me catch'n 40 winks
(hadda throw somethin' in there...thought i was loose'n ya fer a minute)

i knew i needed somethin' with an extremely hysterical moment to get the water works happen'n..whether good or order to calm those night time nerves

and since i'm not 20 anymore...(unless i'm under the right light'n and bitch slapped by photo shop fer a few hours)..."patty cake'n the bacon" don't work like it used to!

even though i've seen these flicks like 100 million times over...they get to me each and every time durin' those pivitol i've compiled my top 10 list of bawl'n busters fer my narcaleptic naps

10. Lisa Lampanelli: take it like a man
she's the self proclaimed "Queen of Mean"...almost killed me the first time i seen her at my sister's house in the wee hours of the morn'n a few years back...all bets are off with EVERYONE here...and no one goes unscathed from her seethin' mouth and razor sharp of my fav-o-rit lines from LL "i've had more black dick in me than the urinals at the Apollo"...
i dare you not to bust open the flood gates watch'n this show

9.Thelma and Louise
2 women...a thunderbird...and a hitch hiker...breakdown moment #1 happens fairly soon in the beginn'n but just sorta fills up the buckets...then yer calmed down fer a bit before the climactic end'n when ya use'n yer wrists as wind shield wipers

8. Little Miss Sunshine
one of the very few family movies i can relate to...and believe...well cuz it's so dysfunctional...a black dramedy about broken dreams and coming together as one...the movie is brilliant thru-out and not one dull moment to be had...but the end'n scene with the little sister kills me everytime

7. Silkwood
2 words...Meryl Streep...enough said!...throw in a non heterosexual Cher and a shirtless Kurt and it won't be long before you're reach'n fer the kleenix...a true story about Karen Silkwood who worked at a plutonium plant and started investigate'n the shinanigans that occured there...only to be investigated herself...Meryl's peril (sorry kittens...had rhymed) is played out thru her amaze'n rendition of "amazing grace"...i always feel like i'm ride'n in slow motion thru the Pont de l'Alma tunnel in Paris with Diana and Doty

6. Brokeback Mountain
2 guys...some horses...a lotta sheep...and a mountain...sounds like one of those illegal porn flicks you'd watch with yer high school buddies when yer parents weren't home...i know...BUTT...(and that is the opperative word) you can't escape their gravitational pull

hello!...Jessica Lange...what can't this woman do?...also starr'n Tom Wilkinson as her husband of 25 years...and that HERO's chick Hayden Panettiere as their teenage daughter...with possible non heterosexual tendencies and their son what's-his-name (really...what is it?...i never heard of him before..and i'm too uninterested to google him) anywho...this is a story about tear jerker moments are thru-out...but Jessica's break down in the basement should've gotten her an oscar nomination

4. Steel Magnolias
buckle yerself in to the emotional roller coaster cuz this all star cast will make yer eyes feel like the hoover dam...and ready to burst at the seams from the moment you press play...til the credits roll...i swear this
writer was born to make you weep..."i'm fine!...i can jog all the way to Texas and back...but my daughter can't!...she never could!...oh G*d!...i am so mad i don't know what to do!...i wanna know why!...i wanna know why Shelby's life is over!...i wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was!...will he ever know what she went through for him!...oh G*d i wanna know why?...Why?...lord i wish i could understand!"

3. Torch Song Trilogy
starr'n Harvey Fierstien...Anne Bancroft and my high school secret crush Matthew Broderick...about perform'n illusionist Bertha Venation...his lovers...their son and his jewish mother's disapproval..."whoops?...Ed did you say "whoops"? Ed "whoops" is when you fall down an elevator shaft..."whoops" is when you skinny-dip in a school of piranha..."whoops"
is when you accidentally douche with drano! Ed...this was no "whoops" this was an AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"...i'm already gett'n farklempt and i haven't even pressed play

2. Terms of Endearment
Shirley McClaine...Debra Winger..."it's past daughter is in pain...i don't understand why she has to have this pain...all she has to do is hold out until ten...and IT'S PAST TEN! daughter is in pain... can't you understand that!...GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!"...enough said

though i rarely ever use this word to describe anything...this is thee most BEAUTIFULLY done romantic musical i have ever seen in my's about one girl...a vaccuum...a piano...a guitar...and find'n out what it is you really want in life...the simplicity in itself is enough to make you break down and weep...the musical arrangements are perfection and tug at every little vein that leads straight to yer heart (that is IF you have one at all)

so there ya have it kittens!

keep yer nyquil...choke on yer ambien...this is my preferred medication to dreamland...try it next time yer toss'n in yer sleep...if it don't work...go see a doctor and get off my dress!

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