destination : Oprahville
purpose : to look FIERCE of course
i rarely endorse business's that have nothing to do with me...about me...associated with me...or give'n me a freebee...but i have to say...
SPIRIT airlines is the easiest and most efficient airline i've EVER encountered when cross'n the state line in a timely manner
ferget my might-as-well-be pinto blow-about barely hold'n together by scotch tape and super glue...cost'n me more than the price of a nite with a...
100% grade A beef sammich
ferget the MEGADEATH bus..though very affordable...
it's a total crap shoot who you have to sit next to...or if you'll be kiss'n the concrete before you reach yer destination
round trip from Prince town to Oprahville...in under an hour and 5 minutes...
and at the price of 7 moderately priced martini's...why not?
sure you have to be able to fold up like a suitcase...but the complimentary pat down at security was soo worth it since it was like the most affection i've gotten from anyone in a long time...
i landed at O'hare and was met by my hot lil chimichanga i'd met last time i was in town...strictly fer
we did the obligalatory bar run that 1st nite...the thrist quench'n spirits were putt'n all around us...in good spirits all around...but those of a certain age bracket...(insert me here) also work on certain time constraints of when these "spirits" are no longer "good" and just plain down right irritated...and it didn't help that mother nature was bein' a total bitch...
bad enough i work fer one!
my whole purpose of said trip was actually business...(and if i had the chance...a lil monkey bizness on the side) to get and acquire new attire fer my numbers
fer the most fabulous show in the Minne-Apple ...
and one should NOT disappoint their fans....
they may be crazy...but at least their loyal!
by day 2..the sun was kiss'n our face and i tagged along to see my no-tell'n you what we did motel mgr's possible new digs
though in a decent area of Oprahville...once inside...the entire apartment was molested in 1970's corn yellow shag carpet'n...from floor to ceil'n..this is was where 70's porn went to die!
the bedroom ceil'n was covered in mirror...while the bed...(though miss'n) would be the focal point of the room bein' displayed on a foot high pedestal...
Ron Jeremy's initials i'm sure were still soaked in the carpet
but as much as the Ukrainian apartment hunter tried to sell him on the nostalgia...it was a total shit box!
so off we went to meet his friends fer a mid afternoon liquid lunch...but i knew my work had to be completed before any more spirits took a tube ride thru my intestines...so off i went to my version of heaven
BEATNIX...if you haven't YOU MUST!
i wasn't inside more than 30 seconds that i was bein' blinded by some spiritual force that summoned me to back of the store...a bright shiney light was burn'n my retina like a hot poker to the eye...and as i focused my vision...i dropped to my knee's...and wept!...
fer there stand'n before me was the holy grail of heels!
though i am not a regular fan of G*D...delusional entities...CASPER...i prayed and prayed as i searched thru the mountain of boxes stacked not so neatly against the wall of heels fer my glass slippers...and found THEE LAST PAIR!...IN MY SIZE!...i kid you not!
oh thank you CASPER...thank you fer everything you never really meant to me
as i slipped the heel onto my foot...i thought to myself...who needs prince charm'n?
i felt like Sinda-fuck'n-rella!...(hmmm...did i just create a new stage name fer someone? i believe i did)
when sales people approach me...BEWARE!!...i always wish i had my can of back up aqua net with me and a lighter...cuz i can't be bothered by what they have to say...i am in my own universe when i shop...much like my breaks when i walk the skyways at work...you don't bother me...
and i won't light you on fire!
but this sweet lil early 20 somethin' knew i was someone of importance obviously and knew i was on a mission...so of course i felt compelled to put away the spray and confessed to her that i was indeed thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that she probably never heard about...but was glad she finally met!
so after much small talk act'n like some GO SEE model with my catalog of looks ...i showed her the heavenly heels i wanted to possess...and she was fly'n thru the store like a hummingbird on crack...
and what did she come up with?
and what did she come up with?
YES...oh G*D CASPER YES!!!
i totally felt like that hooker Vivian...
finally bein' vindicated fer all the hours i spent gett'n nowhere fast...my very own personal minion to do my bidd'n...but heels and bra...though very stage ready fer any situation in the boudoir...would not comply with the MN liquor laws...so more completion had to be done...and what did my lil angelic minion come up with?
she was SOOO intuitive and it's very clear...she knows KRYSTAL KLEER to a tee...thanx to me!
the only issue now was the hair...but unfortunately it was beyond her control...as they did not have anything that fit my delicate unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionst face...so i left with a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders...and a heavy charge on my piggy bank...but so worth it...don'tcha think?
it would take some time but eventually typed my way thru amazon.com...
and settled on this perfect mound of synthetic follicles to caress my already caressable face
2 hours later i had met back up with my south of the border hoarder...who had all the intentions of have'n me take him south of my border...in order to calm the natives...but he wanted to take a detour to lushville...which i had no prob with...since my mission was actually accomplished...
(and i didn't need to land on some navel ship to prove it)
dance is an art form...and i as an artist...regardless of the style...feel i should be schooled in any style...as back-up...just in case...so there i was with my dignity in tact as a back-up plan innocent
the LUCKY HORSE SHOE
though the stage candy was way more appeal'n than the crowd candy...i made the most of it without have'n to empty my piggy bank again...it's beneath me...and i'da rather been beneath him....
(oops...did i say that out loud?)
my friend on the other hand...pretty much put down a down payment on a car that nite and decided i needed to get in on the action...
so i did...with his piggy bank!
as the clock stuck one...i had had my fun...and wanted to get back to "bizness" at his apt...but it ended up bein' a sprint marathon from bar to bar...
til i got all Joan Crawdford on his ass and said it's time to hop a cab...so he decided i knew enough was enough...and hailed a ride home
in the cab he was try'n to calm my irritated nerves...by rubb'n my legs as if they were a jeanie's bottle...and he figered he was gonna be gett'n his wish...
but just to spite him...i tried to make myself spontaneously combust!
by the time i reached his place...i was out and over him...and not even passed out yet...lay'n centimeters away...i heard the chime'n of the next conquest he was sett'n up on Adam4Adam...big whoop!
i can't fault him really...there were no vows exchanged...and thanx to Chris...
just lustful cock monster thoughts...that would never be fulfilled
by morn'n i was off to my other non boom cheeky wow-wow friend Steve's fer the remainder of my vacation...as he laid there like a gin soaked
burrito...count'n his regrets!
by the time i made it back to the Minne-Apple...my sole concentration was on
BITCH FLOWERS and her show...believe it or not!
kittens...you don't realize what goes into putt'n on a show of this caliber?
1st off...i feel like Charlotte York after just convert'n to judaism...
by annoy'n the host fer months to just "set the date"
(thanx Bitch)
(thanx Bitch)
starve'n yer piggy bank every year just to keep the monkey's tap dance'n...
with at least one new look every year...cuz ya know some loyal kitten is never gonna let ya wear the same thing twice...without say'n somethin' bitchy about it
and find'n the perfect artist to complete it (thanx Faedre and Karen)
film'n the video's (thanx Tony)
learn'n the choreography (thanx Kelly)...rehearse'n the songs in yer head on a loop fer months til you've give'n yerself a home lobotomy...whore'n out the show to get the kittens to come...and in the end...all just fer a taste of the limelight with a dimly lit spotlight...just to let them know you were here!
it costs ALOT of money to look this cheap!
i may or may not be the official unofficial producer/manager/talent agent/promo whore of the show...depend'n on who you talk to...BUT...
i am THEE OFFICIAL unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe
so come to the show...and get off my dress!
ps...fer those who don't wanna deal with the hussle and bussle of the metro transit system or try'n to make yer donkey giddy-up...and you own an IPhone or Android or have access to the informational highway
let UBER take you there in style!
ps...fer those who don't wanna deal with the hussle and bussle of the metro transit system or try'n to make yer donkey giddy-up...and you own an IPhone or Android or have access to the informational highway
let UBER take you there in style!
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