Monday, October 19, 2015

butt cracks...bobble heads and balls OH MY!

guess what kittens...i spent the better part of this past sunday learn'n...
all about the in's and out's of FANTASY FOOTBALL from my nephew Evan...huh...turns out...it's not what i had initially envisioned it was all about...AT ALL!...then it got me think'n...

i was always picked last pretty much 99.999% of the time when it came to
anything athletic in high school from what i can recall

i can even recall one non hedonistic incident where my own team member "Chester the molester" we called him...would "take a whack at Weeza"
(that bein' ME!) with his hockey stick to my very elongated but completely fragile shin...just cuz someone from the opposite team made a goal past me...and we...CHER forbid...lost the game...and the loud-mouth-pain-in-my-A double snakes coach Lesowski...at catholic school none the less...encouraged it!

the reason...to this day...why i have ALWAYS loathed ANY sporting event!

add to the fact...a bunch of guys...wear'n tights and cups and knee pads...
grabb'n each other between the legs til they sweat so bad it starts smell'n like an animalistic chili bake-off...then afterwards...slapp'n each other on their plump...meaty A double snakes for a game well done before they lather themselves up like a bunch of sexually depraved himalayan porch monkeys and rinse themselves off in communal showers...
ummm...seems kinda GAY if ya ask me!

DOH!...why did i ever quit?

flash foward to a couple of weekends ago...years back...when my brother Andy and my nephew Sean and niece Savannah came up to visit me and
take me to my very first ever GOPHER'S football game...well actually...ANY sport'n event EVER since that hockey game back in 1986

but anytime to hang with my brother and his kids...regardless of where it is
is fine with me really...so off we went...across the river and thru the woods traffic...to grannies house the Gopher's game we go

Sean was being a bit of a whiner cuz the game had already started and we still were on the roller coaster ride of try'n to find a park'n spot...(in his defense...he IS a football addict) i would have reacted the same way if i
was late to...say...a MADONNA concert...so his antsy pants were completely justified!

but after about 4 loops...we found park'n on the street and didn't have to give into the demands to have some stoner guard'n the car for 20 bux

as we made it thru security...my security had already been breached!

so this 20 somethin' ticket check'n bleacher bimbo...
(hey i'm not judge'n...just report'n my observations...ps...for all you non homosexuals and lipstick lezbitronic lovers...this is fer you...but just to clarify...she DID NOT look like this)

asked me and my brother to remove our hats so she could see if we apparently had any weapons of mass destruction under them...
never mind my nephews cap
(apparently...they haven't invented minature WOMD fer the lil critters yet)

i was ticked that we didn't get the complimentary pat down by security
that was stand'n next to her though...
(this ones fer the ladies and laydee alikes...grrrrrrrrrranimal! and again...fer visual purposes only kittens...though he was closer to this visual aid than she was)

hey...i know my rights...i'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search..
and i didn't have anyone particular in mind that i needed to call at the moment!

so lemme see if i got this right...baseball caps can hide weapons...but feel'n our pockets for ANY guns...knives...grenades or AK47's wasn’t an issue?
ya…i'm completely confident in this school's security system

but off we went to our seats…so lemme break it down fer you play by play…as it were

my first thought was…once inside...i remembered i left my sanity at home
and fergot to bring my protective shield...you know...just in case some boobleheaded belcher tried to high five me

then i thought...what's with the sea of blood clot and macaroni everywhere?
oh...it's their team colors...(hey...i didn't pick em...i'm just say'n)

as i looked around for anything remotely desirable (hey sicko...i'm talk'n about to eat) i noticed one guy sitt'n to my left that would do in a pinch
(well ya know...he may or may not have even looked X-ACTLY like this)...
but hey...i think i was lose'n ya...besides...I'M tell'n the story...and trust me...HOTDOG...i think i found me a wiener *DING*DING*DING*

now...where was i?...oh yea...

so my bro returns with $40 worth of processed crap to fill our starve'n guts
WTF?…where's the hummus and pita chip's and tacky strawberry margarita's?...it's no wonder why sooo many people qualify fer handicap park'n these days

below i notice a bunch of these "cheerleaders" they call em…HA!
they looked more like a bunch of hysterectomy pads with pom poms pollinate'n the crowd with their eggs like a lawn sprinkler every time they did a high kick

(hmmm…and they say us non heterosexuals have an agenda!)

so on with the game…

fortunately…my umbrella wasn’t needed cuz we were on the shaded side of the outdoor stadium…but watch’n the back and forth action on the field
after the first kick off…was give'n me vertigo…(plus i can think of better back and forth action i'd rather be involved in) ummm…i’m talk'n about swimm'n laps…pervie!

next was the 15 nanoseconds of fame unsuspect'n audience participants got when the camera would show them on the DUMBO screen (wait…what was that?…oh…i've just been corrected…i mean the JUMBO screen) look'n like a bunch of yard apes with turrets…and to add to the insanity…later on the stadium owners (or the sponsors runn'n this baboon parade)…
would give away 2 free tickets to the best audience kiss…anywhere in the continental US hmmmm...this seemed promise'n

about the first ¾ of couples…it was obvious they were either married or bone'n each others other in the back seat of their SUV while their kids played soccer…but the 4th couple they showed were either brother and sister…or gay…cuz neither had a desire to embrace in a kiss…and it only got better

the next couple they showed were 2 women…
unsuspect'n homo's?…or closeted hetro’s?…either case they weren't buy'n into the trivial pursuit of free airline tickets

i unfortunately did not luck out…but my brother fortunately did! (but i will still accept donations fer my “treatment” at my paypal account)

Sean and Savannah schooled me on the score board as to who was ahead
and who was bite'n the dust at the halftime point…at the time i guess…we (the Gopher's) were up 13 to 3…apparently that means the odds were in our favor…(but ain't it odd…that if yer over 40 and someone else is apply'n fer the same job at 21…the odds are NOT in yer favor?…just a thought)
as i gazed amongst the sea of butt-cracks and boobleheads in the stadiums…

i noticed sitt'n in front of me was this Mary Laterno look'n 50+ yr old…
salivate'n over the players in the tour book she had just purchased make'n comments like “wow...he's adorable"...or "he can run fast...but needs more meat on his bones" (actual quotes)

then this intoxicated (not to be confused with intoxicate'n) delta-delta-delta-can-ya-help-me-help-me-help-me cuz i think i'm gonna blow chunks...
look'n freshman (as in her 9th year as a freshman that wasn't so fresh anymore)...leans into my nephew and slurs "hey just so ya know...there's gonna be a lot of high 5's if we make a touch down"...puhleez!!...the only touch down this tramp has ever seen in her life...was when she unstaples her heels from the dorm ceil'n

but FINALLY…the only reason why i was cohorsed into goin to the game
i was told that Madonna was gonna perform a few numbers during the break...about time!
jesus…mary kate...and ashley simpson...
CURSES!…FOOLED AGAIN!!

so begins the halftime…or as i prefer to call it...a train wreck in polyblends
from "now i gotta cut loose…"

to "poor old Johnny Ray"

to "let the music play on…play on…play on"

it was the should'a…could'a…but failed attempts to further their career of 80’s hits in a march'n band format make'n my ears bleed profusely

at that point…i hadda put myself in a happy place…so i clicked my heels...
3 times...turns out my damn clickers were broken…so i sat and suffered…i mean…enjoyed the time with my brother and my niece and nephew…thru another hour and we departed after the 3rd inning cuz my brother didn't wanna fight the crowds leave'n…the score was 16/16…(bottom of the 8th i believe it was) who knows how many more baskets we needed to win…but i fer one will never be duped by anyone who says Madonna is gonna be there…AGAIN!

on our way out…my brother decided to help out the chinese slave labor law
(awwww...how very thoughtful)
by purchase'n a 2 cent plastic pigskins to toss around with Sean for the low low price of 12 bux…and Savannah got this beautifully linked blood clot metallic look'n necklace that i'm sure some 10 year old in china helped put together with his 6 year old sister…kids help'n kids…what more can ya ask for…huh!

in the car and off we drove…HOME SWEET HOME!

now…perhaps my first experience in the sporting arena didn't exactly make
me feel like a rocket land'n on the moon…BUT I DID IT DAMMIT! 

now get off my dress!

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