Monday, October 12, 2015

reinvention before my pension

this week was all about recapture'n my fade'n youth as much as i could...
before i gotta pack it in...and if i'm lucky enough...get to enjoy 3 serve'ns of lime jell-o a day at the raisin ranch while i get a complimentary sponge bath by some prune pervie with a nervous tick after my bingo and Matlock marathons

of course see'n the QUEEN blow down the house last thurs...
in Minne-Apple's sinister city...ST Paul...with my 2 nieces and a handful of good friends (since no one else was blow'n down mine) was the absolute HIGHLITE of my week...i couldn't have been more ecstatic to be in the presence of a live'n legend once again (even though i was not the chosen one to accompany her on stage at the end of the show) unfortunately...most of the crowd on the other hand didn't know how to pay homage to the QUEEN properly...by cheer'n and chant'n her name...especially in my section 4 rows back from the T in the runway...the 2 Costco cruisers next to me had their arms crossed like a pair of petrified pretzels fer most of the nite...seriously...
these 'burban basturds looked like they'd rather sit home and choke down metamucil martini's while o.d'n on Matlock reruns...and i wish they would've cuz they were bring'n ME down...

by the time i had soaked the entire nite in...and started count'n sheep...
it was already "time to make the donuts" once again...UGH!
CALGON...take me AWAAAAAAAAAAY...
i was desperately seeking Susan somethin' different...so i knew there was only ONE THING TO DO!

after 9 1/2 inches years of invites to the donut trough...pizza parties and zombie induced meet'ns...i decided the time had come to turn a page...
and have my Johnny Paycheck moment...so i threw caution to the wind...(and whatever his name was my dignity out the door) and decided to shed myself of the corporate chains that have been choke'n the life outta me fer the better part of  8 1/2 years
(it's never the good 8 1/2 either...is it kittens?)

so by the weekend it was time to recapture the rest of my youth with new old friends and some older old friends at 3 different destinations...i thought to myself..i said self...you can do this...menage 'a trois starts with 3...and you never had problems work'n yer way around them before...
so off i began!

1st stop was my newer older friend Em and her child's 1st b'day bash...
which came complete with some monsterous eyesore  bouncy kingdom thingy fer all the lil precious kittens hopped up on saccrinated beverages...bounce'n of the walls...but let's be real kittens...this was nothing but a palace of pink eye...filled with snot noses and chocolate covered phalanges...
and though i thought i called ahead to make sure and swore i heard there was one present at my arrival to escort me into the premises...how surprised was i to find out that once i arrived there was NO security or even the slightest hint of a roped off section fer ME...
i knew i should'a wore my best pressed hazmat suit...
good thing the invite said there would be live entertainment fer those over the age of 18...cuz seriously...i'da rather have stayed home and stuck toothpicks in my toe nails while drink'n drano shots than have my best silk muu muu molested in chocolate stained tears...turns out...apparently...i misinterpreted "don't bring anything" on the invite as...YES there will be some sauce to go with my special "sauce" in a glass...REALLY? who has a damn kid's 1st barfday without...at the very least...one stripper?...Em we really need'a have a sit down and talk about how to plan yer next party properly...so this embarrassment doesn't happen again!

it was still fairly early and i was not about to let the sun go down on me...
well cuz he's only knee high to a pigs eye people...and besides...the cath-o-lick priests cornered that market already...so it was off to destination #2...and luckily i took one before i left...cuz the shit was about to hit the fan

so my #2 destination began with my very good friend Peetrinella...
and her well trained monkey husband...pick'n up my perky A double snakes at my shitbox and take'n me with them to some trail of terror in some far away land 45 minutes away from my reality...(though personally i wish we would'a just booked a flight cuz i had the miles i could'a cashed in...plus...just goin to the 'burbs is a terror in itself i might add)
but again i completely remember them not tell'n me that i would be judge'n some hot bod contest that i envisioned i would be once we arrived...and as it should be...i mean i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...turns out they made me become delusional once again...DAMMIT!
(i'm sense'n a pattern here...aren't you?) 
but since i hadn't seen them since my barfday last month...all cuz Peetrinella had decided to forsaken me and my triumphant return to the stage after 2 agonize'n years...last weekend...just to attend some bingo bonanza her unforgettably charm'n father's burial
(ok...you do get a pass fer that...he was a good guy and will be sorely missed)

plus i was anxiously await'n my prezzie she purchased fer me...painted by a-list photographer to the stars...Tony Duran Duran...at Winona High back in the 80's...that i couldn't fit into my car last month...turns out though...she hadda drop her lil kitten off at her mother-n-laws along the way...so she couldn't fit it in her car either...
WTF? that's why they make bungee cords fer the hood...HELLO!!!...besides...
i bet...like most kids...Lulu would'a loved feel'n like Tawny Kitaen in that Whitesnake video with her hair'n whipp'n in the wind at 65 mph...but i guess i'll wait...just remember xmas is right around the corner Peetrinella...and i'm not deduct'n any dollars of my list just cuz you didn't have the heart to strap her down to the roof of yer car (ummm...Peetrinella...now grab yer inhaler and take a few puffs...you'll be fine)

where was i?...oh yea...so once we reached our dismal destination...
it was a quick stroll thru the haunted grounds of bad bi-levels and bad breath and onto the horrific hayride...past the cornfields of cheeze whizzed actors...over the swamp of regret...but i was glad to...at the very least...be hang'n with Peetrinella and Mr. Peetrinella on this journey...
cuz i was gett'n flashbacks to 4 years earlier when the last time i entered this kingdom of canker sores and walk'n std's...i was with my X (who referred to himself as the Hulk of northern MN appropriately) and we got busted by some pimply faced rent-a-cop who copped and attitude...you know...just cuz we were try'na do the monster mash in one of the porta-potties
(and fer the record...some fantasies should never become realities)
after we hopped off the slow bus hayride...it was time to hit the haunted barn...where Peetrinella basically shit bricks in the haunted maze...when she was relentlessly bein' stalked by some Pennywise muthafucker to mine and Mr. Peetrinella's amusement...good times...good times!

the midnite hour was slowly creep'n upon me...much like my britches...
so we said our proverbial goodbyes and they basically threw me outta their car so they could fly back to their hotel and make "muskrat love" dance'n with the devil in the pale moonlight...play canasta while choke'n down some fancy zima's and nibbley thingy's while watch'n SNL
so i was off to my 3rd and final destination...to my friend Will's and Jayne's Oktoberfest

though the band had disbanded by the time i had arrived i figured...
eh...at the very least...i was almost sure they knew to have a stripper pop outta his lederhosen after popp'n outta the sauerkraut and sausage pan...since i reimagined that's what i figured they musta left outta the invite they sent me in the first place...UGH!...CURSES...foiled again!...(when will these people ever learn?) though it was good to reconnect with friends from my pimple parade days...my grade school non crush friend Chad made me ferget what i wanted to expect i'd probably not see this nite...
by make'n me these killer kocktails (hey...keep in clean kittens) we chatted til the clock struck one..or maybe it was 2...either case...i knew...much like my undergarments...i had worn out my welcome...so i played the end'n theme key to the Incredible Hulk to a less than impressed crowd as we spent the next 15 to 20 minutes try'na say goodbye at the front door as we were bein rushed out at the pace of a crippled charade parade and then my missions...much like the nite...were all over just like that
i'm off to the land of movie stars and swimm'n pools broken dreams and heroin addicts in 2 weeks fer a mini vaca thanx to a potential failure breath of fresh air that i'm optimistically dread'n pleasantly excited to reconnect with since earlier this spring...who knows where this journey will take me...but i'll tell ya what kittens...it's gonna be one helluva ride...

now get off my dress!

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