reflectional stories of my christmas's past fer this merried of holiglazed seasons...full of my aunt Orlene's embarrassment...(ps...i rarely give disclaimers...only cuz it cuts down on my merried of subscribers thru-out the globe...and perhaps...B-E-Y-O-N-D...but if yer read'n this from yer orifice computer at this time...may i suggest...minimalization may be in order)
while sing'n classic bombastic christmas carols around an open trash canned fire to all the homeless hookers down the street from me...(ps...don't say i didn't warn ya)
and unwrapp'n a twinkie i found hidden underneath my xxxmas tree
unfortunately...all Santa's been pull'n outta his bag-o-tricks is just a fuck'n box of inhumane bricks this week (but grrrrranimal right?...he can come down my chimney A-N-Y-T-I-M-E)
let's begin with ALABAMA shall we?...now just to set the record straight...
this has nothing to do with the fact that Dick Van Patten's doppelganger and the southern political underdog who won the special election by the hair of his double chinny chin
it's the fact that ALMOST HALF of the brain dead righteously retarded CASPER crusaders that voted in Sweet Homophobia Alabama...preferred a morally corrupt pedophile over a morally unreprehensible snowflake...
yea...well guess what ROY...FUCK YOU and that unfortunate horse that you cohorsed (see what i did there?) into lett'n you ride him in on...cuz yer dastardly power...is finally OVER!
thanx to the sista's that hadda do it for themselves!
next up...is about my 1st actual non sexual...sexually charged date fer the past 2 years...that i've been sorta crush'n on for pretty much the past 20...
well...needless to say...that's all that needs to be said...you can come to yer own twisted conclusions
lastly in enterpainment newz...THE LAST JEDI (say it ain't so...puhleez!)
now of course...i wish'd i could'a been there the first time around when those galactic words scrolled up the screen back in the 70's...but i hadda learn all about it in history class a decade later (insert laugh here) i know yer think'n to yerself...well...that just ain't possible!
that I...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...could'a been at the biggest open'n on the planet...even though when most people think of big open'ns...they think of me...so YES i was there...and of course...much like my supplely plump smooth-n-creamy white alabaster A double snakes...i hadda be at the last open'n
i waited 40 years for this...and i hadda mentally prepare myself for what i was about to experience
popcorn...CHECK
cocktail...CHECK
mini hamburger w/all the fix'ns shaped kleenex...CHECK
cell phone advert...advise'n the audience to shut off their cellular devices and enjoy the movie...(which i had already previously done prior to said anoucement cuz my fuck'n battery was already die'n...DAMN YOU VERIZON!) CHECK
and then it all began to come to an end...
fer sitt'n next to me was this millennial vaginal wart who showed up 5 minutes after the movie had already begun...with her tampon tag-a-long...both completely marinate'n in vommitous JLo GLO (don't' ask me how i know...i just do)...who most likely only came to the show cuz their brain dead penile implants paid fer them to get more culture in them to balance out their cottage cheese ass...so as they said their goodbyes to one another fer the next 30 seconds and turn off their cells...
i'd wished i'd worn my Victorian inspired hazmat suit like i had planned to...so i could enjoy this cinematic masterpiece...in peace
about 15 minutes after said vag warts sat down...i notice a bright flash'n
light distract'n my left peripheral vision...apparently the meat wallet sitt'n to my left decided to "discretely" check her texts...you know...as if yer damn TINDER match couldn't wait 2 1/2 hrs...i was about to go all Anal Annie on her ass...but i thought...HEY!...hey...calm yer tits down...there's other people in the theater and you don't wanna ruin it fer the rest of em...(like she was fer me) so i let it slide...that is...until 10 minutes later...
it was like my cornea's were gett'n seared by some pain in the ass cellular light saber...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy at this point...cuz this stench trench was work'n my last good jedi nerve
only compunded by the fact that to my exact right was mr snifflelufagus...FUCK'N GREAT...i'm stuck in surround sound hell of rudeness...but i did my best to breath in...then breath out...this has to be the end...RIGHT?
the bowels of my inner'ds were turn'n outwards and bubble'n up like Mount Saint McClaine chatt'n with the nurse'n staff...but i did my best...that is...UNTIL...strike number three...by now i could no longer hold back my containment of contempt fer the cancoreous penis purse!
so i loaded my proton torpedoes....punched her with a left elbow hook to her esophagus and blew this inconsiderate cunt ruffle to smithereens!
then i walked out very gingerly with my inflamed cheeks shine'n brighter than Rudolph's nose and demanded a full refund from the manager zit cream on duty (and a complimentary massage from the popcorn attendant) hey i was there...you weren't
suffice it to say...i didn't get more than 30 minutes or so outta the whole damn show...so i can't really say much about it...well EXCEPT one thing...
MADONNA was unfortunately not cast in this intergalactic production...
morally not part of my story of course (nor condone'n it)...but i'm just say'n
we don't want history to repeat itself...SO TURN OFF YER DAMN PHONES when yer at the movies!
happy fuck'n holidaze...now get off my dress!
ps...i finally did revisit the theater the follow'n day with no Jlo Glo ho with in my tractor beam and got to see it in it's entirety...
PPS...i will save my cinematic review til after the new year you silly queer!
