PRIDE in the name of white bread!

with all the PRIDE festivities take'n place around the planet this month

from the BIG APPLE...to that big throat plunger you met stand'n in line by the glory hole at STEAMWORKS in CHI-town recently (formerly known as Oprahville) there's sooo much to celebrate fer the LGBTXYZPDQ community

especially since this is the 50th anniversary of where it's ALL began

though it took 50 years fer the boys in blue to admit their wrong doin...there's still sooo much more that needs to be completed before ALL marginalized butt pirates...throat plungers and donut bump'n lezbitronix can FINALLY feel equal with the rest of the planet!

in view of all that has happened ever since those riots way back in 1969 

who knows reality from fantasy these days...the informational highway is littered with scathin' sordid stories from bein 86'd...to bein 69'd...and who really knows what MAY or MAY NOT have happened to said marginalized groupings on that day..(of course...except those that actually attended the "love in") well...my names not google kittens...so get those phalanges tap dance'n on yer keyboard if you wanna update yer brain storage

BUTT...the one topic  that no one really ever talks about

 while sipp'n on their 5th blood orange martini with their next door neighbor Latrell with the glass eye and peg leg...while duck'n from tiki torches outside the neighborhood bar (that i can admit it freely here myself...bein' the upstand'n unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am)...i am a bit ashamed that i have never even discussed it durin' any of the many contortional whoregies where i was just an innocent onlicker...i mean...videographer at...or durin' the many verbal and psychical lashings i've encountered ever since high school

and that is...the plight of the everly oppressed STRAIGHT WHITE PRIDE!

it wasn't til recently that i finally decided to open up my eyes and realized

to stop pretend'n...HEY...how would I feel if I went to a KID ROCK concert...and I was told after the open'n number...that I hadda cool it by security and I could no longer chug down on any more Budweiser bongs cuz I was completely disrupt'n and splash'n my beer that I BOUGHT WITH MY HARD EARNED GODDAMN AMERICAN MONEY (by sell'n a kilo of coke to the kids at the candy store...right next to the school fer the blind) all over the AA group stand'n in front of me...besides me and in back of me...at their 20th year of sobriety celebration ...only cuz i was try'na have a good time...cuz my wife left me again...after she caught me in bed...with my mother-n-law...again!

or what if...W-H-A-T I-F...i went to the grocery store and some obviously physically fit ass wipe in a periwinkle cabriolet...waves at me to go ahead to park my rusted out monster truck...and i end up have'n to take the last 2 park'n spots in the lot...and he pulls up to me as i step outta my vehicle and says straight to me "seriously dude?" and peels off at a responsible speed...i mean talk about racially profile'n me...who wouldn't think that was a total unwarranted come on and not deserve'n of a full ass beat'n by me and my buddies...with a vat of lube?

of course enjoy'n Judy sing'n "OVER THE RAINBOW" with yer family every year or watch'n "RAINBOW BRITE " reruns with yer kids on saturday morn'ns (after they burst into yer bedroom and catch mommy gett'n motor boated...by yer best friend...while you were video tape'n it)...will never feel like yer own...now that all those damn non heterosexual fire breath'n heathens completely stole the rainbow as their own symbol of deviance...right form under you when you weren't look'n

and you can't tell me you wouldn't have an attitude and go off the handle if you went thru yer fav-o-rit drive-thru restaurant...placed yer order fer 5 double stacked with all the fix'n burgers...an extra large order of their deepest fried cholesterol clogg'n american fries...every nite after work and then ask the cutie-pie's take'n yer order if you can get their phone number...and they just ignore you and tell you to pull forward to pay fer yer order...and as you hand them the money...they give YOU an attitude and say "can you quit ask'n me fer my number...i told you many times before...i get off at 10...dad!"

well i fer one was finally glad to see that this completely unmarginalized 

group of beer gutt'n...dirty pillow oogle'n...beaver hunt'n...baseball beat'n...precocious pricks were finally gett'n their much desperately needed recognition they so well deserved and so well over due...with the very 1st STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE in Boston...headed up by none other than Britain's very own self hate'n mayonnaise douche ragg'n dick cheezer Milo Y-i-a-m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i (or some shit like that) who the fuck really cares?

now i know some of you on the other side of the rainbow are think'n...

HEY...those fucktwats already have their parades of pride...what about the MARDI GRAS PARADE?

ROSE BOWL PARADE?

ST PATRICK'S DAY PARADE?

MACY'S DAY PARADE?

THE SPERMICIDAL WHITE SALE PARADE? (to name a few)

and they were barely able to squeeze in their latest revamp of the SPERMICIDAL WHITE SALE PARADE with I'M A PRIVILEGED REJECTED ASSWART MODEL FROM THE GAP PARADE

though i heard thru the grapevine...it was unfortunately cut short when the manager at Homo Depot found out that the tiki torches weren't bein used in the remake of  1976 classic KING KONG like they were initially told

of course we can't ferget about all the other hundreds of other small town

less popular parades...yet equally important...like the BITTER QUEEN PARADE

the ever popular GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY BITCH PARADE (aptly titled BLACK FRIDAY PARADE so it can properly fit on the banner) to help commemorate the open'n of the holiglazed season'n

and of  course how can we ever ferget the most popular parade of them all...simply called the EVERY DAY IN PUBLIC WITHOUT THE WORRY OF PROSECUTION OR PERSECUTION ON ANY FUCKING CORNER ON THE PLANET PARADE!

and thank the dear CASPER in the CLOUDS above...that you no longer 

have to hide yer true feel'ns and you can shout it at the top of yer lungs...while stroll'n down the street or at the beach...or quite frankly...ANYWHERE IN THE FREE FUCKING WORLD...with some lovely apparel from amazon...to let people know WHO YOU REALLY ARE! (though i wanna personally shout out a heartless felt apology cuz these were the only 3 color options left in the crayon box unfortunately...since those damn homo's stole all the other ones)

 hey...at least you'll stand out though...huh!

when ya really sit down and think about all of the many many horrendous 

stampedes they (the non marginalized population that is) have had to endure when they find out that their local grocer ran out of their fav-o-rit artery clogg'n sammich paste...well...why should WE (the marginalized group) feel any sympathy fer ourselves at all...i mean...the only thing that WE as a group have had to suffer on a daily basis fer years is pretty much petty things...like recently...

when british couple MELANIA GEYMONT and her lover CHRIS got served a couple of back hand sammiches while ride'n on a bus in london...fer simply NOT comply'n to a group of 4...obviously privileged anal warts...and their simple sadistically animalistic pleasures by make'n out in front of them

or 22 year old trans woman from Dallas...MULAYSIA BOOKER...bein shot in cold blood...after only bein brutally beaten just a month earlier 

(not include'n the other 300+ already murdered from last year alone)

of course who needs to be bothered with the biggest one of them all...when 21 year old MATTHEW SHEPARD of Laramie Wyoming...was beaten...tortured and strapped to a wire fence left to die...only to succumb to his injuries 6 days later...and only recently laid to rest some 20 years after that fateful nite

the LGBTXYZPDQ community just really needs to listen up stop wallow'n in their own pettiness fer a change and throw'n it in everyone's face...

and just understand what THEY (the unmarginalized group) have had to go thru!

well thankfully...guys like my long lost government drug bunny Marty...

spent some of his hard earned back break'n benajamins and bought this very over looked non marginalized group a few websites to help guide them and their budweis'n shit kick'n buddies on yer momentous parade route...and i fer one am glad someone finally took a stand for this group:

straightprideday.com
heterosexualprideday.com
heterosexualpride.com

don't ferget...equal rights fer others DOES NOT mean less rights fer YOU!

it's not pie!...so with that in mind...i just wanna wish EVERYONE a blister filled pride (that don't remember to marinate in 50 proof sunblock)
now get off my dress!