Showing posts with label NEW YORK. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NEW YORK. Show all posts

Monday, August 15, 2022

MY TEENAGE TRIFECTA

there are many many things out there that come in a sensational set of 3's
fer instance...those 3 bold and brassy ladies who belted out the beats from Detroit, MI dominate'n the airwaves in the 1960's
then there were those 3 charismatic waitresses from Phoenix, AZ who popularized the work'n class woman of the 1970's with alotta class serve'n alotta hash
and of course no cinematic trilogy would ever have existed today if it wasn't fer the genius mind of George Lucas's original teeny tiny lil space opera in the 1980's
hell...i've even competed in the ménage a trois' olympics in the late 1990's...that may or may not have spilled into the new millennium 
BUTT...that's another story!

my very 1st cassette that i ever got my hands on was thanx to my uncle
who gave me $10 to get the 2nd CULTURE CLUB release of "COLOR BY NUMBERS" at our local Pamida store in 1983 instantly fall'n in love with his look and his voice (adopt'n both thru out my tumultuous teenrager years and beyond) which has been well documented on here in regards to all my experiences of meet'n/runn'n into BOY GEORGE and /or the band on many different occasions start'n in '92/'95/'98/'02/'15/'16 ever since i first pressed play on my mini black JVC cassette player..."IT'S A MIRACLE" my sibs didn't destroy the tape as much as i played it...they were just "VICTIMS" of my circumstance

it would be a few months of collect'n shasta and pabst blue ribbon cans
that decorated the streets of Winona doin my part to save the environment before it was hip when i would finally possess CYNDI LAUPER's infectious candy pop cassette of "SHE SO UNUSUAL" also in 1983 that i played "TIME AFTER TIME" relentlessly "ALL THRU THE NIGHT" on repeat fer months on end til i ended up meet'n her outside of First Avenue durin' her "HATS FULL OF STARS" tour with my good friend FAEDRE in 1993

by 1984 i had cashed in my 2nd paycheck from deliver'n the Winona 
Shopper and marinated my wrists in black  jelly bracelets...drown'n my neck in rosary beads all while belt'n out every song off MADONNA's "LIKE A VIRGIN" masterpiece fer the very first time in front of my broken bedroom full length mirror "OVER AND OVER" at the top of my cat kill'n lungs use'n my sisters hair brush as my microphone...she could "DRESS YOU UP" or dress you down with just the sound of her vixenous voice like nobody's business when you pressed play

well after 38 long ass years my teenraged trifecta would come into fruition
when i was hand plucked outta millions of entries no doubt by one JOHANN (who i sincerely wanna thank from the bottomless pit of my fuck'n soul don't'cha know) after personally choose'n me as a winner in the MADONNA DISCOASIS roller disco party...
in celebration of the QUEEN's 50 #1's singles revisited and remixed fer the dance floor fer my metamucil generation and many new generations beyond to enjoy

though some very tough decisions had to be made on such short notice
i'm "SORRY" i had to make them however i scrambled to "GET TOGETHER" everything i needed since i hadda be in Central Park in 3 days in order to get "INTO THE GROOVE" so i "HUNG UP" the phone and dashed my plump A double snakes to the airport then off to NY

once the plane landed at 1am after an hour on the tarmac i hadda "JUMP"
into a cab totally hopped up on adrenaline and me and my friend Lisa started the "CELEBRATION" off right with a couple of exotic "EROTICA" infused cocktails fer our mini "HOLIDAY" before we hit the hay with a "BEDTIME STORY" to boot

after a whirlwind walkathon the follow’n morn’n thru-out the high points
of central park we both felt like a "GIRL GONE WILD" reek'n havoc on our lower joints in the West Village and as the sun began to set we scurried off to our hotel since "NOTHING REALLY MATTERS" at that point except make'n it to the party on time therefore off we went like a "RAY OF LIGHT" to glam up fer the even'ns festivities and i literally felt "LIKE A VIRGIN" though i wasn't touched fer the very first time

i was almost 2 hours into slapp'n my mug to "KEEP IT TOGETHER"
when all of a sudden i felt a burn'n sensation in my right eye and no it wasn't monkey pox! apparently finger nail glue is not water soluble so i practically needed the jaws of life to separate my lids and in the process after frantically drown'n my eye in cool water fer 15 minutes "DON'T TELL ME" that half of my mug was now fuck'n washed down the drain!!!

though i could'a used some "AMERICAN PIE" cuz i was hungry as fuck
i calmed my plump A double snakes down and softly recited "DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA" while a lonely tear drop had laid upon my lower lid as i tried to hunt fer a quick solution though "I DON"T SEARCH I FIND" a way to correct my pickled predicament i was now in so i took a breather and reapplied my right eye in "4 MINUTES" now i know "WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR A GIRL" on her wedd'n day when one thing goes ape-shit wrong

after we were both whisked briskly thru the VIP entrance of course
what i would absofuckinlutely "CRAVE" was ultimately come'n full circle in the order it began over 30 years earlier and now it was just "ME AGAINST THE MUSIC" feel'n like the biggest "MATERIAL GIRL" on a budget that nite

i completely felt like a "BEAUTIFUL STRANGER" in "HOLLYWOOD"
the infectious "MUSIC" and colorful crowd had me immediately time warped back to 1984 as my 14 year old teenrager sing'n at the top of my lungs (off key of course) in front of my full length broken mirror with my sisters hair brush as my mic and not a care in the world

it was "LIKE A PRAYER" from that delusional entity in the sky when the 
QUEEN appeared from the crowd with her friend/producer/party host NILE ROGERS gett'n "EVERYBODY" in the crowd pumped up to roller skate and "VOGUE" the nite away and as much as i wanted desperately to "JUSTIFY MY LOVE" around the rink i think i made the better choice to soak it all in from the side lines

as the party and the crowd got "DEEPER AND DEEPER" into the nite
i felt a "FEVER" fer a "FROZEN" daiquiri but i just told the hot bartender to "GIVE IT 2 ME" whatever he had so i settled on a few "material gworlllllll" and "the queen spritzer" cocktails compliments of Belvedere vodka and Perrier and by then the "PHYSICAL ATTRACTION" to the crowd rose to a "LOVE PROFUSION" level that would turn any "GHOSTTOWN" into an "IMPRESSIVE INSTANT"

as the skaters skated around to a pumped up "BITCH I'M MADONNA"
i wanted to tell the dj to "OPEN YOUR HEART" and "GIVE ME ALL YER LUVIN" and "TURN UP THE RADIO" however i refrained from gett'n kicked outta the party so i could "DIE ANOTHER DAY" since i was finally live'n my true "AMERICAN LIFE"

as nite turned into day i thought i was gonna loose my marbles again
"I RISE" about 2 hours later and felt like i had woke up in "MEDELLIN" and that this was all just a dream though luckily this dream came true and i was "LIVING FOR LOVE

in close'n happy 64th to the original fuck'n  "MATERIAL GWORLLLLLLL
even though we never technically exchanged words that nite…my 14 yr old self was completely honored just to marinate in yer prestigious presence and given the chance to complete my cassette dream trilogy so remember kittens…the "SECRET" to a happy life is to "EXPRESS YOURSELF" and "NOTHING FAILS" if you just believe in you!
oh yea and buy M's new record "FINALLY ENOUGH LOVE" celebrate'n her 50 #1's remixed and revisited (she's a work'n mother with kids to feed so i think you can forgo that mocha frappe latte chino with a cherry and chocolate sprinkles or what ever sorta shit you put on top fer the week and order yerself a piece of this genius musical history)
now GET OFF MY DRESS!

Monday, June 17, 2019

PRIDE in the name of white bread!

with all the PRIDE festivities take'n place around the planet this month
from the BIG APPLE...to that big throat plunger you met stand'n in line by the glory hole at STEAMWORKS in CHI-town recently (formerly known as Oprahville) there's sooo much to celebrate fer the LGBTXYZPDQ community
though it took 50 years fer the boys in blue to admit their wrong doin...there's still sooo much more that needs to be completed before ALL marginalized butt pirates...throat plungers and donut bump'n lezbitronix can FINALLY feel equal with the rest of the planet!

in view of all that has happened ever since those riots way back in 1969 
who knows reality from fantasy these days...the informational highway is littered with scathin' sordid stories from bein 86'd...to bein 69'd...and who really knows what MAY or MAY NOT have happened to said marginalized groupings on that day..(of course...except those that actually attended the "love in") well...my names not google kittens...so get those phalanges tap dance'n on yer keyboard if you wanna update yer brain storage

BUTT...the one topic  that no one really ever talks about
 while sipp'n on their 5th blood orange martini with their next door neighbor Latrell with the glass eye and peg leg...while duck'n from tiki torches outside the neighborhood bar (that i can admit it freely here myself...bein' the upstand'n unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am)...i am a bit ashamed that i have never even discussed it durin' any of the many contortional whoregies where i was just an innocent onlicker...i mean...videographer at...or durin' the many verbal and psychical lashings i've encountered ever since high school
and that is...the plight of the everly oppressed STRAIGHT WHITE PRIDE!

it wasn't til recently that i finally decided to open up my eyes and realized
to stop pretend'n...HEY...how would I feel if I went to a KID ROCK concert...and I was told after the open'n number...that I hadda cool it by security and I could no longer chug down on any more Budweiser bongs cuz I was completely disrupt'n and splash'n my beer that I BOUGHT WITH MY HARD EARNED GODDAMN AMERICAN MONEY (by sell'n a kilo of coke to the kids at the candy store...right next to the school fer the blind) all over the AA group stand'n in front of me...besides me and in back of me...at their 20th year of sobriety celebration ...only cuz i was try'na have a good time...cuz my wife left me again...after she caught me in bed...with my mother-n-law...again!
or what if...W-H-A-T I-F...i went to the grocery store and some obviously physically fit ass wipe in a periwinkle cabriolet...waves at me to go ahead to park my rusted out monster truck...and i end up have'n to take the last 2 park'n spots in the lot...and he pulls up to me as i step outta my vehicle and says straight to me "seriously dude?" and peels off at a responsible speed...i mean talk about racially profile'n me...who wouldn't think that was a total unwarranted come on and not deserve'n of a full ass beat'n by me and my buddies...with a vat of lube?
of course enjoy'n Judy sing'n "OVER THE RAINBOW" with yer family every year or watch'n "RAINBOW BRITE " reruns with yer kids on saturday morn'ns (after they burst into yer bedroom and catch mommy gett'n motor boated...by yer best friend...while you were video tape'n it)...will never feel like yer own...now that all those damn non heterosexual fire breath'n heathens completely stole the rainbow as their own symbol of deviance...right form under you when you weren't look'n
and you can't tell me you wouldn't have an attitude and go off the handle if you went thru yer fav-o-rit drive-thru restaurant...placed yer order fer 5 double stacked with all the fix'n burgers...an extra large order of their deepest fried cholesterol clogg'n american fries...every nite after work and then ask the cutie-pie's take'n yer order if you can get their phone number...and they just ignore you and tell you to pull forward to pay fer yer order...and as you hand them the money...they give YOU an attitude and say "can you quit ask'n me fer my number...i told you many times before...i get off at 10...dad!"

well i fer one was finally glad to see that this completely unmarginalized 
group of beer gutt'n...dirty pillow oogle'n...beaver hunt'n...baseball beat'n...precocious pricks were finally gett'n their much desperately needed recognition they so well deserved and so well over due...with the very 1st STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE in Boston...headed up by none other than Britain's very own self hate'n mayonnaise douche ragg'n dick cheezer Milo Y-i-a-m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i (or some shit like that) who the fuck really cares?

now i know some of you on the other side of the rainbow are think'n...
HEY...those fucktwats already have their parades of pride...what about the MARDI GRAS PARADE?
ROSE BOWL PARADE?
ST PATRICK'S DAY PARADE?
MACY'S DAY PARADE?
THE SPERMICIDAL WHITE SALE PARADE? (to name a few)
and they were barely able to squeeze in their latest revamp of the SPERMICIDAL WHITE SALE PARADE with I'M A PRIVILEGED REJECTED ASSWART MODEL FROM THE GAP PARADE
though i heard thru the grapevine...it was unfortunately cut short when the manager at Homo Depot found out that the tiki torches weren't bein used in the remake of  1976 classic KING KONG like they were initially told

of course we can't ferget about all the other hundreds of other small town
less popular parades...yet equally important...like the BITTER QUEEN PARADE
the ever popular GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY BITCH PARADE (aptly titled BLACK FRIDAY PARADE so it can properly fit on the banner) to help commemorate the open'n of the holiglazed season'n
and of  course how can we ever ferget the most popular parade of them all...simply called the EVERY DAY IN PUBLIC WITHOUT THE WORRY OF PROSECUTION OR PERSECUTION ON ANY FUCKING CORNER ON THE PLANET PARADE!

and thank the dear CASPER in the CLOUDS above...that you no longer 
have to hide yer true feel'ns and you can shout it at the top of yer lungs...while stroll'n down the street or at the beach...or quite frankly...ANYWHERE IN THE FREE FUCKING WORLD...with some lovely apparel from amazon...to let people know WHO YOU REALLY ARE! (though i wanna personally shout out a heartless felt apology cuz these were the only 3 color options left in the crayon box unfortunately...since those damn homo's stole all the other ones)
 hey...at least you'll stand out though...huh!

when ya really sit down and think about all of the many many horrendous 
stampedes they (the non marginalized population that is) have had to endure when they find out that their local grocer ran out of their fav-o-rit artery clogg'n sammich paste...well...why should WE (the marginalized group) feel any sympathy fer ourselves at all...i mean...the only thing that WE as a group have had to suffer on a daily basis fer years is pretty much petty things...like recently...

the LGBTXYZPDQ community just really needs to listen up stop wallow'n in their own pettiness fer a change and throw'n it in everyone's face...
and just understand what THEY (the unmarginalized group) have had to go thru!

well thankfully...guys like my long lost government drug bunny Marty...
spent some of his hard earned back break'n benajamins and bought this very over looked non marginalized group a few websites to help guide them and their budweis'n shit kick'n buddies on yer momentous parade route...and i fer one am glad someone finally took a stand for this group:

straightprideday.com
heterosexualprideday.com
heterosexualpride.com

don't ferget...equal rights fer others DOES NOT mean less rights fer YOU!
it's not pie!...so with that in mind...i just wanna wish EVERYONE a blister filled pride (that don't remember to marinate in 50 proof sunblock)
now get off my dress!