by that bored alabastered housewife from New Jersey...who was married to that suedo sizzle'n anal wart hot tub sales man...desperately search'n fer a breath of refreshed air in her mundane 'burban life (like most usually do) once the aisle they sooo desperately yearned to march down (before they turned into a bingo card carry’n colostomy bag in orthopedics) turns into an aisle full of baby wipes and bunion remover
so there i was one fri morn'n...4:30 in the am hours...listen'n to all these
damn blue birds outside my bedroom window a few years back...after bein rudely awake'n from a dream i so desperately wanted to fall back into (insert yer dirty lil mind here) bitch'n about all the sudden heavy snow flakes blanket'n the spring skies in the Minne-Apple...like everyone else post'n on social media in the surround'n tri-state areas...but like the our very own lil purple paisley man once sang so eloquently many many moons ago "SOMETIMES IT'S SNOWS IN APRIL" (so get the forever fucks over it already...kapeesh!...geesh!)
BUTT...anyways
lame pop quiz tests of people who are absolutely amazed that some totally random "russian" FB troll site say'n that they looked like some famous succulent super model walk'n the runways of Paris
as all their loser friends leave 'em pissy comments ...cuz all they got was Pauly Shore when they took the same test...so they have'ta call an emergency meet'n with their highly inspirational low self esteem group ASAP!
instead of own'n up to what they really look like...without 100 filters cover'n up their shame and life choices...but i guess if it makes you feel better about yer mundane life...why not!
3 hrs later...still trapped in my comfy bed...all alone...i get a mini chime
that one of my FB "friends" is desperately stranded at the Minne-Apple/St Paulie gurl international airport from the BIG APPLE...via his way to his San Francisco treat...fer the next 6 or so hours...due to the sudden snow storm that had blanketed our fair city...so i clicked on the notification
GRRRRRRRRRAVY on my mashed potatoes!
i planned on turn'n my couch into a palatial movie theater fer the day...
due to the weather...and OD on thee best series to split my plump and supple A double snakes apart since Jerri went back to the 9th grade (and when it wasn't against the #metoo law to actually laugh)
with the cast of SCHITT'S CREEK.
(if you haven't yet...you'd be an absolute A double snake not too...i'm just say'n)
ANYWHO'Z'LL'DING...as i was say'n!
i felt the urgency in his post...and felt it was my civic duty...to feel him up...
i mean feel him out...plus i needed a good reason to lay off the corn nuts and hunt fer some new nuts cuz most people would think i'm nuts to randomly pick up a stranger at an airport...it's the standard plot point in any murder-fer-hire movie on lifetime television
well...one thing you should know about me is...don't ever tell me the odd's
cuz i'm a "GAMBLER"
after spatula'n my body outta bed...i took a lil birdie bath in my tiny sink
spritz'n myself down generously with some jean nate' after bath body splash and molested the back of my earlobes with a lil of Debbie Gibson's "ELECTRIC YOUTH" parfume (cuz i can...don't judge!) then whisked myself away to the airport like a bat outta boredom H-E-double hockey stix!
by the time i had arrived...he was wait'n patiently in the doorway as one
should when they're meet'n an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe after all...touch'n me fer the very 1st time...like a pimp at a political convention...it was as if we'd known each other fer years (well in FB years anyways) once he planted his bags in my back seat and planted his seat in my front...we were off to destination numero uno 1
MINNEHAHA FALLS...he was in complete awe...ohhhhh....AWWWWW...and sooo ja'dorable!
after a quick 2 cent tour thru the downtown of Minne-Apple
it was time to show him my big blue cock that was down the street from my shitbox...
at the sculpture gardens then decided to pop his cherry with the Minne-Cherry that blew him away (figuratively of course) and eventually we would pop over to my place cuz his socks "allegedly" were soaked from hopp'n thru the snow like a buffed out bambi
once inside my shitbox...he made himself a lil more c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e
as i put on my fav-o-rit Burt Bacharach record...he laid back on my hide-a-way bed...which was incredibly open...but i said NO...
NO DAMN BURT...the only thing you outta be play'n right now is with yer
Salvadorian sailor...and SOOOOO...
oops...ever so very sorry...testicle difficulties!
turns out we both were HUNGry...so it was time fer a lil afternoon lunch...
after a lil afternoon delight munch and of course i took him to the staple of uptown cuisine that every outta towner wants me to take 'em to and he was not disappointed!
once i had paid the check...we were back on my broomstick & off to
the airport and minutes later we pulled into the gate with one minute to spare...feel'n forever fulfilled that i had finally completed my most charitable act of the year...we bid our proverbial adios's and he went on his mary lil way...
so just remember that on the way to yer dreams...sometimes you find
a new one...which is about as original as a 10 year old boy try'na be "edgy" with eyeliner on his tiktok account fer the 10th time
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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