blonde with her girl next door "good looks" if you wanna call em that (hey...she don't float my boat...get over it!) who grew up in the Bronx inside the Big Apple with big dreams of starr'n on stage and screen all of which she did fer a few glorious decades...
BUTT unfortunately in the end...
her career L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y went down the shitter (with the Gen X'ers anyways) fer bein best known as the famous old broad who made shitt'n in yer shorts socially acceptable in yer twilight years...JUNE ALLYSON will ferever be known as the face of incontinence since most of her fans in her hay days either have their heads float'n around in a vat of cryogenic juice or are dead!
flash forward to 30 some years later and i myself would give that box
of bones (hey...she's been kick'n up daises since 2006...it's a give'n with science and all) a run fer her crown as i was gett'n myself scheduled fer my very 1st colon cleanse'n now that i have entered my 5th decade of destruction
i had heard horror stories fer years about the colonoscopy process
and was not look'n forward to the stigma attached to it all...mainly cuz i would have to finally admit that i am no longer the fresh nubile nancy that i once was (though i still DO NOT require any help from those lil blue pills kittens...well not yet anyways) however...i decided to pull up my big gurl culottes and made the appointment!
with the current covid climate that we're currently live'n in...i needed to
get myself tested in order to proceed with the process but have'n already gone thru the process twice before (and the only exams that i had ever passed i might add) i knew this would be a breeze...the only problem with the process this time was the actual location of said exam center bein a completely complicated equation that i couldn't equal since dyslexic dipshit drivers durin' rush hour plus hangry queen on a quest just don't add up!
with a minute to spare...i finally reached my final destination only to be
greeted with locked doors and signage that says follow the arrows down blah blah avenue and of course THERE WERE NO FUCK'N ARROWS...now listen...i was already in a rush that morn'n since i was gonna be 2 hrs late to watch my 4 month old great niece Violette Moon (i know...awwwww right!) and trust me...i DO NOT wanna deal with her wrath at ANY cost when at all possible!
so i called my health care provider to rip them a new A double snakes and of course after goin thru a roller coaster of prompts the anal drip on the other end ended up bein of no help at all so i said 2 tears in a bucket...mutha fuck-it and flew off to play patty cake patty cake please don't puke up all over my hermes bag with Violette!
after guzzle'n down a gallon of peach redbull and calm'n down my mini
chocolate chip sized nipples...i lit a few patchouli flavored aromatherapy candles and chanted a few nam-myoho-renge-kyo's and called back to reschedule cuz i was not about to miss this now twice sceduled colonoscopy since father time was tap tap tapp'n on my doors...luckily i was able to be seen at an office which was only a small hop...skip and a jump rope ride from Vi's trailer...or so i thought
after hopp'n on my huffy bike...which was only a short 7 minute ride to the
desired location accord'n to SIRI...(i even left 15 minutes early cuz i'm such a gurly squat when it comes to arrive'n punctual) i arrived in front of the Maplewood Mall...i thought to myself...HMMM? well M-A-Y-B-E SIRI was read'n my mind and thought i definitely deserved those lemon meringue chino's with the lace trimmed pockets and the butt cut out that i'd been contemplate'n about purchase'n ever since i spotted 'em on some random instagram ad a week prior and spring was right around the corner anyways...WHY NOT! (thanx A.D.D)
then i stopped and thought fer a minute...NO this was not the time...MUST FIND NURSE STATION!
as the clock was tick'n down to my test time...i feverishly scampered
thru-out the mall like a plucked chicken who hadn't had head in months look'n fer the test'n spot to no avail...so i quickly rang the damn clinic back as to the precise location but of course they had zero clue where the exact location was...it just gave them an address (the same one that i had) though she "thinks" its by the Sears location she says...so i reluctantly hung up on her and scampered to the nearest mall map
WHICH HAS NO FUCK'N SEARS A-N-Y-M-O-R-E!
i call back and bit down on my tongue as hard as i possibly could and had
to explain to the "enchantress" on the other end that there is no longer a Sears at this location and if they could transfer me to another operator...which i know was most likely the same person who just plugged their nose to sound different...i mean seriously...who hasn't played that retail game? at least this time i got a different answer and they said it was by the JC Penny's location...
WHICH WAS AT THE OTHER END OF THE FUCK'N MALL!
by now i had decided to fuck it all since it was 10 minutes past my exam
and i know how nurses are such sticklers on tardiness so i just decided to head back home however as i was exit'n the corner of the mall ramp i noticed outta the corner of my left eye what looked like a nurse's station set up outside the JC Penny's location so i whipped a shitty past all the parking lot blocks to the front of the line
after they chastised me fer miss'n my designated time slot...i made a small
but pertinent plea you see cuz NO ONE else was in line and the sun was still out...so they gave me the typical questions: name address date of birth then told me to proceed ahead to where another nurse roughly 5 feet away ASKED ME THE SAME FUCK'N questions and i sooo wish i was make'n this up (unfortunately i'm not)
she then asked me as a matter of factly "are you here fer a covid test?"
ummm...no kitten...i ordered a Mclobster sammich on pumpernickel with curly fries and a mint frosty and could you super size that PUHLEEEEZ...PRONTO PRONTO...i'm kinda in a hurry here!
luckily...my brain was on strike and i just answered with a smirky smile
and was all set to spit in a vile...however they do things a bit different in the burbs and instead i was told to slightly tilt my head back as she proceeded to harpoon each nostril like she was fuck'n sheriff Brody hunt'n fer JAWS...nevertheless after a couple of quick deep jabs the unpleasant procedure was finally half over...tune in next week fer the shitty conclusion of WASTE MANAGEMENT!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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