A HOOT AND A HALF!

now that all the candy has been consumed til it's reeked levels of chaos

on yer kids tic tac teeth with their costumes all torn to fuck'n shreds and tossed away like some cheap hussie in the heartland while yer pumpkin spiced coffee's...pumpkin spiced cocktails and pumpkin spiced cod fish catastrophes have left yer taste buds begg'n to be molested by figs and fruit cakes...it made me think of the one beloved pint sized fruitcake that we lost recently due to gett'n or give'n head in his mini mercedes and crash'n head on into barbie's dreamhouse (though i personally cannot confirm nor deny that this was the actual cause of brother boy's death cuz i really can't be bothered to research the logistics at this time)

LESLIE JORDAN was a magnificent mini multi-faceted matron of comedy

whether play'n the TAMMY WYNETTE obsessed brother boy in the "SORDID LIVES" installations...KAREN WALKER's fancy frenemy BEVERLY LESLIE on the hit series "WILL & GRACE" or the many different dynamic characters on "AMERICAN HORROR STORIES" he will be truly missed as one of my all time favs chats ever since i had the absolute honor to snag him as my 3rd celeb interview fer my blog in his west hollyweird hideaway 10 years ago this week...so in honor of his unfortunate pass'n i figered it's only appropriate to share again a lil glimpse inside this comedic genius's mind...enjoy! (ps...you'll have to suffer til next week kittens fer pt 2 of TY A TRAGIC TORNADO)

BUTT anyways...

hey kittens…you know that say'n "big things come in small packages!" 

well most of the time…it's sometimes true (depend'n how much you REALLY wanna pay fer it) hey…i'm not here to point fingers and be some

judgemental judy...i'm just say ya might wanna keep a couple of benjamin's by yer bed stand fer those "rainy nites" after ya reach a certain age

but no worries about shell'n out any shill'ns from yer lil change purse today

kittens...cuz have i got a lil snicky snakc fer you (and i mean that literally) from my informational studio today fer i have none other than that pint sized larger than life brilliance who's been on stage...television and film fer the better part of 2 decades...best known as everyone's fav-o-rit comical keebler elf on the hit series "WILL & GRACE"

LESLIE JORDAN

(insert the clap here)

so LESLIE...WOW! i was totally surprised see'n you hitch hike along the informational highway this morn'n so i'm glad i pulled over to pick ya up...how the H-E-double hockey stix are ya?

i don't know what that means

that's MN talk basically mean'n "what the hell have ya been up to lately?" 

oh...well in 2006 i won an emmy for a tv show i was on called  "Will & Grace" and i thought i was set then it just all went into the shitter...i don't know what happened so i had to reinvent myself

(side note...how very Madonna of you Leslie)

i have a management firm in Palm Springs that books me and i do about 

45 venues a year...i do stand up comedy in gay bars...that's very lucrative and make alotta money doin that

i leave tomorrow and i'm host'n the largest gay dinner for 3000 gay men in black tie and gay women in Dallas Texas...to raise money for something...i'm not sure what's it 's for

yer bank account maybe? (Leslie's laughs)

let's start there and get it outta the way…it's been like what about 6 years

since you starred in a lil hit comedy show that ran fer 8 glorious years called Will and Grace and as you stated you snagged yerself an Emmy in 2006 fer Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series fer yer portrayal of  not so str8 act'n and appear’n pretentious socialite Beverly Leslie first...that quite frankly…still owe me fer the hospital bills fer putt'n me in stitches every thursday nite…what was it like work'n with such an incredibly funny cast?

well working on Will and Grace was like a turning point for my "tribe" and America and i was really proud to be apart of that cast. 

bein' Karen Walker's number one non heterosexually closeted nemesis….did that involve a lot of research on yer part?

 

no...that part was originally written for Joan Collins if you can believe that...she was gonna become the best friend of Karen Walker...

they wanted them to have a spat and pull each others wigs off and Joan Collins balked and they fired her ass so i nailed it on the very first audition...i was told when i first came to Hollywood that i had to get rid of my accent cuz it would limit me cuz i was already such a character then i thought i'm just a marketable package...

i'm not gonna be Robert DeNiro and disappear into a roll...

i'm like Dolly Parton...there's alot of me...just in real life!

i have a serial obsession with Madonna and hope to be play'n one of her many reincarnations in some lifetime movie of the week…in the very 

distant future that i'm sure will also star Markie Post...

as some obsessed...down-n-out drunk...divorcee...Madonna wannabe

 

and then i remembered you yerself had an obsession as the non heterosexual perform'n illusionist…locked in the loony bin fer reparative 

therapy try'n to keep the legacy of the late great TAMMY WYNETTE alive in the hilarious black comedy about southern white trailer trash…

"SORDID LIVES"

starr'n "DESIGNING WOMEN" alumni DELTA BURKE and BONNIE BEDELIA

funny lady BETH GRANT

songbird OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN among others

there's that one moment in the movie when you broke down and said...  

"well...someone's got to carry on her legacy now that she's gone!" seriously...it gave me the chills!

and i'm not afraid to say it hear and now…you was absolutely robbed!

how did that not get you nominated fer an oscar fer yer portrayal of Brother Boy? 

 

the movie just didn't do that well i guess

 

eventually it was turned into a prequel i guess...and made into a tv series

"SORDID LIVES TV SERIES"

what was it like work'n with that sexually charged Golden Girl herself…

 Blanche Devereaux on the tv series with RUE McCLANAHAN?

 

i adored her...but i would even say this in front of her...she is a doll but she was having problems with her back and she got on this pain medicine and she was a bitch (Leslie laughs) we asked her if she wanted to go out on the road with the show...cuz we were all broke...people don't know that Rue

lost alot of money in that Bernie Madoff fiasco...so she had to go back to work at 73...it was terrible...she was broke...Caroline Rae was broke...i was broke...so we decided to do a "Sordid Evening of Comedy" and hit the road to make some money...we charged $75 a ticket for a meet and greet and that's what Rue hated...she hated the meet and greet cuz she wasn't feeling well cuz at this point she was in a wheel chair...but she would tell stories about the Golden Girls...

and the audience would just eat it up! She was one of the greats!

you've said "yer the gayest man you know" grow'n up in a conservative family in Chattanooga in yer off broadway smash hit that traveled the  

country sides with "MY TRIP DOWN THE PINK CARPET"

which was taken from yer ball bust'n hysterically penned memoir you wrote a few years back…reveal'n celeb run-in's from...

BOY GEORGE

to GEORGE CLOONEY

yer take on Hollyweird…yer fame and yer addictions…gay culture and

just say'n it's OK to be a non heterosexual or non homosexual…just love yerself...that must've been...well a trip fer you? 

well "My Trip Down the Pink Carpet" LILY TOMLIN saw and helped me produce it and we did it in New York and then took it to London...what i talk about in my one man show is myself...it's my favorite subject! growing up gay in the baptist church (i've been baptized 14 times) my dad was a lieutenant colonel in the army and i was not exactly the son he envisioned...i was booked at the Pantages theater in downtown Minneapolis and CAMP heard about my stand up comedy and wanted me to do the show at their theater.

now yer back in the land of 10,000 bottoms…oops…i mean lakes…

with yer brand new show "Fruit Fly" @ CAMP in downtown St Paul...can ya tell my kittens what they can expect this time around? 

well...i was there last year at CAMP in St Paul and fell in love with that city and the St Paul hotel and all the restaurants in that area...and it was a homo hoe-down...it was packed every single night...word spread and i was getting a nice cross over audience which is always good...what my one man show "FRUIT FLY" is all about is...

it answers the age old question "do gay men become their mothers?"

my mother was the baby of 9 children and my daddy was the baby in his family...so when the babies had a baby...i was photographed relentlessly...

i mean how could i have not turned out gay with beanies and matching umbrella's...i was just decorated and trotted out...so i took those stories and did a show around them....it's a performance with flies...music...stories...light cues...it's stories about me with my mother...people were really moved by it...i told my devote baptist mother at 12 years old that i was gay and she always had problems with that and started taking me to christian therapy...and they would pray over me...and they told me when i have urges for sex with someone of the  same sex...it was the voice of the prince of darkness.

it's a full length play...i can promise them alot of laughs but it's much more...it's very moving...and i'm really really proud of it...we booked it in London...Paris...Amsterdam in january and february...so CAMP is actually getting in on the beginnings of something big. CAMP is a wonderful venue so i would love to get a good cross over crowd of both straight and gay people there again

now we've come to the part of the interview i just like to call…

can we talk about ME fer a change?

this is where you get to put on yer best Barbara Walters blouse and ask me ANYTHING under the rainbow…and I mean ANYTHING (well except rainbows) that yer die’n to know about this unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of her own universe…I swear…I’ll still come to yer show 

have you ever met Lorna Luft...Judy Garland's daughter?

i have not had the pleasure yet...but i have clicked my heels once or twice and said there's no place like a homo!

i wanna thank the ever hysterical and MUST NOT ferget…Emmy award

winner…Leslie Jordan fer hop scotch'n his tiny tush into my studio today!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

BURIED TREASURES

with the gift give'n season now incomplete no thanx to that the jolly

diabetic fat ass with the overly active "glandular issues" completely miss'n his mission this year cuz he was apparently arrested by some uncover cop with tinsel down around his ankles toe tapp'n at some local Barnes and Noble restroom just cuz he got his booster shot...well…you have every right to read this dandy dickbubble to death...HOWEVER...if yer still think'n of the perfect gift to give this season...fer some strange reason...to get off yer loved ones shit list why not try some literary pieces of art fer that special someone on yer shit list...

or that not so special fucktard who can barely make it thru read'n the directions on a box of jell-o before they have a nervous break down

there's been many stories that have turned into motion pictures fer the small screen...and eliminated that waste of space fer that need to read...

fer example...holiday classic's like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer...Frosty the Snowman...or this heart warm'n holiglazed classic...that will warm the hearts of millions of those unfortunate privileged fucks...to finally get their side of the story told on film...

 this is the untold story of what really goes on in the north pole...after ol' Saint Nick has spent years runn'n a sweat shop of hard work'n ungrateful elves...try'n to meet a december 24th deadline and loose'n his looks to his waistline...the misses always screen'n his mail...the last thing he wants as a reward is a plate full of dried out toll house cookies and moo juice so he foregoes the WIC programmers and opts fer those smarty britches with bank accounts who leave behind stocks and bonds...rolex watches and a low ball of cherry infused bourbon served by a lady of the nite...to drop his low balls onto

but  if yer literally look'n fer last minute literary words of wisdom without all that holiglazed cheer fer that special queer to read anytime of the year...
perhaps you might wanna choose one of these top 8 classics i found

clean'n out my closet that will hopefully someday make it to the cutt'n room floor in the near future...are you listen'n up Mr. Waters?

first up is the total inspiration fer "Witches of Eastwick"...

this camp classic tells the tale of 3 fraternity brothers Alex...John and Dickie...on the varsity cheerlead'n squad...who come together one sunday afternoon after find'n their coach with a camcorder in one hand and his "magical" broom in the other...while clean'n out the closet in their not so spacious dorm room...the tension builds to a climactic end'n that's sure to keep audiences "come'n" back fer more

starr'n Colin Farrell as age'n dorm pimp Alex Sus...Prince Harry as the hard party'n ginger John Wannembach...Cam Gigandet as sweet talk'n hustler Dickie... 

and Leslie Jordan as discretely closeted foul mouthed whip crack'n Coach "Poppa Cherry" Donovan 

if that's too much fer yer eyes...perhaps you'll enjoy...

this ol' story is about as tired and worn out as Pamela Anderson's "kittytastrophy"...it tells the tale about a non heterosexual boy move'n from a busy farm life to the big city lights in hopes of a lavish lifestyle...last'n love...and lots of money...but ends up broke...bitter from bad plastic surgery and busted...by the cops...before his golden showers birthday

starr'n Rupert Everett in his very own lifetime movie about himself...cuz no one else wanted to be bothered

one of the jewels i found...under a set of family jewels one hot summer 

the story of Izzy Bigg and Camen Sidem...2 team mates on the field...and shame mates in the showers...learn'n the hard way...they're gonna have to take alot more than just "one" fer the team...

starr'n Adam Lambert  as the bashful Izzy and Adam Levine as loud mouth Camen...lock'n lips and bang'n hips...in their 1st musical together...but definitely not their last

musical score by BOY GEORGE of course

fer those catholic castaways out there...i know you'll just simply love...

well DUH!...this tells the tale of a mid centuried manolo blanik hoarder wife tangled in a web of seduction and revenge...gett'n even was the only thing on her mind when she said "I DO"..."til death do us part" couldn't come soon enough fer her 7th husband and the town's high roll’n financier 

starr'n SATC starlette SJP as the internally scorned insecure second wife wife look'n to fill her bank account faster than she can fill her burial account...and "alledged" serial horny toad (i am NOT the court system nor will i put on my judgemental judy blouse without know'n all the facts) Chris Noth as the mysteriously delicious financier with a taste fer bubble baths and bubble bottoms

and introduce'n Meredith Baxter Birney in her most rivet'n performance since Family Ties or any of her Lifetime movies combined...as the sexually starved sales manager Bernice at Manola Blanik's outlet mall

BUTT wait…betta take a breather…we’re only half way in…

everything comes in a 3 way...so give yer cataracts a good work-out with...

the prequel to another sequel in this trilogy of tittilate'n terror and intrigue

starr'n hot to trot blued eyed colostomy bagger Matt Boomer who's passions are antiquities and ancestory.com and pipe smoke'n colostomy bag and lord of his ring Sir Ian McKellen

fer those on the DL that are desire'n a lil interracial facial...may i suggest... 

this tale continues 30 years later and answers the age ol' question...what REALLY did happen to Augustus Gloop after he was sucked up into the tube after fall'n into that river of chocolate in Willy Wonka's factory...Augustus ends up in Harlem and meets the man called Razer Blade who gives Augustus a job ride'n the rails at nite...take'n a one way ticket to brown town...night after nite...til he's walk'n like a bow-legged bull from Belize

starr'n Seth Rogen as the all too eager and will'n to go all nite long Augustus Gloop...and Morgan Freeman as the pimp tote'n bad ass Razer Blade who cuts like a knife if Augustus doesn't get the job done

then there's this hidden litteral literary gem of a complete master piece

fresh off the farm...pretty boy Paul Puckerole gets a job in the big apple as a wall street gopher boy but ends up bite'n off more than he bargained for when one night Paul gets tied up after the office christmas party as 5 floor traders decide to turn Paul into their personal pinata 

starr'n homo hottie James Franco as the outsider with the inside everyone wants to get their hands on and the original cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (cuz i wanna vomit whenever i seen their freshman replacements) as the fetish fist'n NASDAQ traders

oh wow...i almost fergot about my all-time fav-o-rit salaciously delish read

it's VERY autobiographical...

starr'n ME as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe of course...enough said

well...hope i helped ya out with some terrific read's fer the new year...

hear's hope'n you got exactly what's cumm'n to ya in 2022

now GET OFF MY DRESS!