paisley bucket of pubic hair had dominated the airwaves with his #1 jam "WHEN DOVERS CRY" all while bath'n in a bathtub full of erotic filth and dominate'n the theaters with his biographical master piece "PURPLE RAIN" which was accompanied by a masterpiece soundtrack of the same name
that my absofuckinglutely fantabulous cuz Shelly got to be apart of musical history durin' the open'n scene...so take that!
a widowed english teacher would become a geriatric novelistic sleuth with a killer roller set who was set on solve'n mysteries and murders all over Cabot Cove fer 10 successful seasons
MOLLY becomes a box office bank account while gett'n molested by her nana with lezbitronic tendencies in the teenrager hit "16 CANDLES" among many others that followed...oh and ps you finger-lick'n-on-the-trigger crotchety phalange point'n ameba's march'n in every damn woke online parade...
JOHN HUGHES is dead so don't start some pissy pathetic petition to ban this come'n of age movie fer us gen X'ers or send'n MOLLY rape counselor brochures
and i had decided to meander to the downtown of my hometown on a brisk afternoon to the local corner drug store to rummage thru the latest issue of my fav-o-rit musical rag fer all the latest musical gossip and printed lyrics to my fav-o-rit songs...
cuz you know you never were sing'n the correct lyrics no matter how long you had any given tune play'n on repeat in yer walkman
fer the longest time until i researched BERLIN's "THE METRO" lyrics that i began perform'n fer the 1st time on stage at the GAY 90's in the 90's months after i stopped doin the song...the open'n lyrics went as follows:
however in my thought process i totally thought Terri's last line in the song went "and you were there...swimm'n thru a pile of cheese!" (hey i was 13 at the time...it totally was absolutely plausible so don't act you didn't think the same thing) anywho'zll'ding
after purchase'n my mag...i realized i only had some pocket change left
in my pocket so i decided to walk down to another drug store a few blocks away where a few of my siblings were at walk'n homelessly up and down the aisles dream'n of everything they couldn't afford more than likely then up back and forth thru the toy aisle stare'n at toys we had hoped that the fat ass in the red suit would deliver under our tree in a few short months and fer some reason i remember my sister fixate'n on this bendable witch doll that was about $1.50
BUTT let's back it up a it...
me and my sis had shared a room separated by the BERLIN wall of our
sleep'n quarters which was just 2 large rusted out school style locker room closets that COULD NOT be crossed or there would be an all out war...she was on the west side while i occupied the east...my side was always absolutely spotless and mathematically plastered with posters of BOY MADONNA and CYNDI cover'n up every inch of paint when possible thanx to my keen sense of unapologetic law and order
while my sister's side of the room always looked like the trash compactor inside the death star and i swore at any give'n moment you never knew when a random fuck'n cyclops snake eye was gonna pop up from the heap of clothes that she had unceremoniously adorned her floor with
my uncle from Virginia or was it West? i'm grasp'n at straws at this point
kittens cuz i can't remember which it was...move'n on...so my unk out east had visited us one spring or summer with his "friend" i was told by Joan...the season isn't really relevant to this story it's only give'n you a visual backdrop...anyways...i was lucky enough to be bequeathed a book from my long distance uncle that only expanded my celebrity fascination and musical repertoire from his era and let me tell you i became completely O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D from the very minute i opened the cover and flipped thru the pages...i wanted to be the one to solve the most talked about celebrity death in the world at that time
however a few months later after relentlessly bark'n at the occupant live'n
on the western side of the wall to keep their side clean cuz of my overbear'n OCD could barely handle it any longer...someone had take'n it upon themselves one day when there was no guards at the gate to apparently pull off some sorta secret mission impossible bullshit and somehow was able to make it to the east side of the room without tripp'n off any of the alarms or landmines that i had personally installed myself
and decided to pull some Freddy Krueger fuckery on my newly acquired possession by slash'n a few pages from my cherished Marilyn bible to possess fer their very own
well…i knew right then and there that this would be a total retaliation on
my behalf and trust me...THERE WOULD BE NO NEGOTIATE'N…NO STONE LEFT UNTURNED! believe you me i wasted no time in beginn'n my search and destroy mission to track down the callous culprit responsible fer the abhorrent atrocity of my property so i threw on my Angela Lansbury cap and started slither'n around like a sleuthy snake follow'n the shreddery which would lead me over the wall!
there ya have it...tune in next week fer the excrutiate'n concussion of pt.2
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
