SWEET TOOTH pt 2

last week on SWEET TOOTH...Baby Jane Hudson became uncontrollably

consolable into a fit of hysterics...oh wai'da'minute...that's not my story...

eh...i just needed an eye catch'n opener just like in all those bad but deliciously tacky Roger Coreman movies

click here to catch up with what the hell is goin on...before move'n on

and now the saccharinated conclusion to SWEET TOOTH...

turns out it was 6 bags of somethin' better than make'n our tastebuds

 dance'n til dawn...it was 6 bags that had monetary value hidden inside...ummm H-E-L-L-O...SCORE!

as we each grabbed 2 bags each...we hopped into Big Lipps ma's car

and hatched a plan (totally ignore'n the mountain of unopened twinkies) as to how we were actually gonna be able to get away with our new found wealth!

1st on the list was to completely alter our looks...by pick'n up 3 different

boxes of Miss Clairol to change our luscious locks to a completely different shade than we had previously had prior to our life of crime (see...this is where i personally believe Bonnie & Clyde completely fucked up if ya ask me) i decided to go with a warm cappuccino dirty blonde (if yer inquire'n mind wants to know)

next up was to purchase our one way tickets to some foreign country

at the time i imagined myself in a spacious garden apartment in Ottumwa Iowa...i figered i could hang with Radar at the local soda shop on the weekends and talk about his time in the trenches at the 4077 M*A*S*H unit...hey...i just figered we laid low fer the next 3 to 5 years...

(cuz i was really in no mood to do 5 to 10 in San Quentin) we could all eventually meet up at some undisclosed ritzy rendezvous point...however...after we figered out there was no way Big Lipps wouldn't get his ass kicked to Kenosha if he didn't have the car home before his ma woke up for work in the morn'n...so he just opted to drop me off at home and went on his merry bandit way

Joan Crawford was gone fer the next 3 days visit'n her brother in Virginia

so it was me and my 3 older brothers that hadda look after our 3 younger sibs and by the time i finally had made it home...i crawled thru my bedroom window and frantically searched fer scissors to open my 2 bags of coins to see what i had now possessed...and turns out...i had hit the mutha fuck'n payload with 2 full bags of quarters and devised a plan to cash them in (though that would have to wait til morn'n cuz i was beat)

once the younger sibs were stapled to the couch with their ice cream

 bucket jammed to the top with their fav-o-rit morn'n stomach fillers the follow'n sunrise... 

and turn'n on their fav-o-rit saturday morn'n news program to keep the lil monkeys occupado while i tried to figer out the best way to cash in my new found loot

i went down to the basement and grabbed a handful of mason jars from

 Joan's cann'n collection...turns out i completely filled 4 of the large jars to the brim...so i packed them neatly in my pack back...

and Elmira Gulch'd my way off to the bank before they would close by noon...and too my surprise...i ended up with 363 spank'n new benjamins to my name (that was like a million dollars to a 15 year old) since my paper route only paid my 38 benjamins a month to deliver the Winona Shopper

BUTT...move'n on

return'n home...the lil monkeys were restless and i was in no mood to

 play warden with my new found wealth...so i called Big Lipps to see what he scored with his haul...turns out it was roughly only 75 benjamins in nickels...i told him i'd give him 2 benjamins fer petrol if he would run me to the local record store FACE THE MUSIC (which...incidentally...you millennial's & gen Z'ers will never appreciate the 1000's of click...click...click'n of cd's case on all those lazy afternoons of unsupervised entertainment like us gen X'ers relished in)

once inside...i found myself thee holy grail of money holder's stare'n me

smack dab in the face at the simple low low cost of $7.50...how could i go wrong? this was like totally an omen...cuz if i never would'a non violently robbed that twinkie truck...i would most likely never had went into FACE THE MUSIC that weekend and since there was only one dark lavender Culture Club wallet left...it was obviously meant to be!

after my holy grail purchase...Big Lipps dropped me off at home as my 

antsy sibs were gett'n ready to rumble cuz the saturday morn'n news was come'n to a close...so i decided to be the responsible big bro and hopped on my huffy to the local video rental store to find somethin to keep'em tap dance'n fer the next 3 or 4 hours so i wouldn't be bothered...

and after 30 minutes of hunt'n high and low thru the aisles of VHS hell...i opted fer "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK" if i remember correctly

as i brought the tapes up to the counter to pay...i couldn't find my brand

 new dark lavender Culture Club wallet contain'n my remainder of $355.50 in my back pocket where i kept it...so immediately and quite frantically...i ran thru the rental store like a tazmanian devil with turrets...however...unfortunately after 10 minutes or so of not find'n it anywhere...i figered i probably had dropped it at my house...so i huffyed my plump and oh so supple A double snakes home as fast as a hornet in heat...flipp'n my entire bedroom apart...

i could feel my walls close'n in on me and suddenly it felt like that time when the princess was trapped in H-E-double hockey stix try'na escape the death star...with no hope in sight of ever find'n my wallet

i could barely catch my breath as i flew back down to the video store to

ask the 2 town rental whores work'n part time behind the counter if anyone had turned in a wallet...to which they both said (in unison i might add) "NO...no one turned in a purple Culture Club wallet!"

wai'da'minute! i know i never said what kinda wallet it was that i lost!

the jig was up...i now had realized that i'd been played by a couple of pro VHS ho's...who weren't play'n around...so not ONLY did i forgo the video rental fer my sibs that afternoon...i also didn't get to marinate in my new found wealth any longer...A-N-D worst of all...

I LOST MY DAMN DARK LAVENDAR HOLY GRAIL!!!

even Indiana could'a never completed this task fer me cuz these obviously

 devious dickless swatch watch'n maxi padders were the purest of evil in their acid wash girbaud jeans burst'n at the seams (that they most likely needed the jaws of life to put em on) and their not so lil piggies choke'n to death in their jelli slip-on's from Pamida who had single handily and subconsciously outsmarted me at my own game

WOW! this was not the way my mentos moment was suppose to end!

moral of this story is...karma was more than just a chameleon from the 

80's and that twinkies are not the chemically treated delicacy that we were all lead to believe!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...if the statute of limitations hasn't run out and we can still possibly be 

charged with some sorta armed robbery or high crimes and misdemeanors after all these years...ummm this was all just an alleged dream that i fergot to not remember...ever happened!

pps...in case you didn't forgo that over priced mocha choka pumpkin 

spiced frappe with all those chemically enhanced sprinkles last week like i had asked or perhaps yer feel'n just a wee bit more generous and don't wanna burn in the firey pits of whatever delusional afterlife story you believe in then why not donate to a worthy cause!

CONFECTIONARY CHAOS pt. 2

don'tcha find it kinda funny how people say that you must always remain 

positive with life in order fer yer chakra and yer well bein' to be in balance so you can live a much longer more healthier and fruitful life and that if yer constantly bein negative in life it will only bring you closer to the grave? yet if you test negative fer #1 the HIV or #2 the COVID (as i had recently with both) then it's actually a completely positive thing fer yer life!

well then...is it really all that negative of me to positively wish the damn domino effect kicks in (after Ivana kicked the can over the weekend) fer her mentally deranged dickless orange puffer fish X? R.I.P. I.T! i guess you decide...however kittens...in short...

 

you can take yer kumbaya's and yer daily affirmations and stick it where the sun don't shine and swallow the advice that i stand by 100% from 5 time VFW jitterbug champion Florence Jean Castleberry!

ok this analogy has absofuckinlutely nothin' to do with today's follow-up...i just needed an eye catch'n opener just like in all those deliciously bad and tacky Roger Coreman movies

click here to catch up with what the hell is goin on before move'n on and now the excrutiate'n conclusion to CONFECTIONARY CHAOS

turns out it was 6 bags of somethin' better than make'n our taste buds

 dance'n til dawn...it was 6 bags of monetary madness!

as we each grabbed 2 bags each...we hopped into Big Lipps Magee's car

and proceeded to hatch a calculated plan completely ignore'n the mountain of unopened twinkies as to how we were actually gonna be able to get away with our new found wealth

1st on the list was to completely alter our looks...by pick'n up 3 different

boxes of dyes to change our luscious locks to a completely different look than we had previously to our life of crime (see...this is where Bonnie & Clyde completely fucked it all up if ya ask me) i decided to go with a warm chestnut...if anyone asks

next up was to purchase one way tickets to some foreign country...

at the time i thought hmmm? Ottumwa Iowa seemed rather quiet plus i could hang out with Radar at the local soda shop and talk about his time in the trenches...hey i just figered if we layed low fer the next 3 to 5 years...

(cuz i was in no mood to do 5 to 10 in San Quentin) we could all meet up at some undisclosed rendezvous point however after we figered there was no way Big Lipps Magee wouldn't get his ass kicked from here to Havana if he didn't have the car home before his ma woke up for work...he just dropped me off at home and went on his merry lil way

BUTT wait...there's more

Joan had decided to leave town fer the next 3 days visit'n her brother in 

Virginia (or maybe it was West...i don't know...it's not really that important to this story i just wanted to give you a visual backstory) so it was me and my 3 oldest sibs that hadda look after our 3 younger sibs so by the time i finally made it home...i crawled thru my bedroom window and frantically searched fer scissors to open my 2 bags of coins to see what i had now possessed...turns out i had 2 enormous bags of quarters and feverishly devised a plan to cash them all in though that would have to wait til morn'n

once the younger sibs were stapled to the couch with their ice cream

 bucket jammed to the top with their stomach fillers the follow’n morn'n…

i turned on their fav-o-rit saturday morn'n news program just to keep the lil monkeys tap dance'n while i tried to figer the best way to carry my new found loot to the bank

i went down to our Silence of the Lambs cellar and grabbed a handful 

of mason jars from Joan's cann'n collection...i completely filled 4 of the large jars to the brim so i packed them neatly in my pack back 

and whisked myself off to the bank before they would close by noon and too my surprise i ended up with 363 spank'n new benjamins to my name...that was like a million dollars to a 15 year old since my paper route only paid my 38 benjamins a month to deliver the shitty Shopper (cheap fucks and their slave labor)

return'n home...the lil monkeys were restless and i was in no mood to

 play warden with my new found wealth so i called Big Lipps Magee to see what he had scored with his haul...turns out it was roughly only 75 benjamins in nickels...i told him i'd give him 2 benjamins fer petrol if he would run me to the local record store FACE THE MUSIC (which...incidentally...you millennial's will never appreciate the experience of a 1000 click  click click's of cd's case like us gen X'ers)

once inside i found myself thee holy grail of money holder's stare'n me smack dab in the face at the front counter which would only cost me the low low price of $7.50 to adopt it so how could i go wrong? this was totally an omen cuz if i never would'a non violently robbed that twinkie truck...i would most likely never have went into FACE THE MUSIC that weekend and since there was only one dark lavender Culture Club wallet left...it was really meant to be

after my holy grail purchase...Big Lipps Magee dropped me off at home

but my younger sibs were gett'n restless since the saturday morn'n news was come'n to an end so i decided to be the responsible big bro and hopped on my huffy to the local video rental store to find somethin to lobotomize the lil ones a lil longer fer the next 3 or 4 hours so i wouldn't be bothered try'na figer out how to wisely invest my new windfall

after 30 minutes of hunt'n high and low thru the aisles of VHS hell...i opted on "ET" if i remember correctly and a lil unknown nonetheless important cumm'n of age foreign flick "DESIRES OF THE DEVIL" (though that was fer my own personal view'n pleasure with some of my friends)

as i brought the tapes up to the counter to pay...i couldn't find my brand

 new Culture Club wallet contain'n my new converted Twinkie treasure in my back pocket which i then immediately and quite frantically ran thru the rental store like a tazmanian devil with turrets hunt’n fer it however after 10 minutes or so not find'n it i figered i probably dropped at my house so i huffy'd my plump and oh so supple A double snakes back home as fast as a hornet...flipp'n my entire bedroom upside down...i could feel my walls close'n in on me and suddenly felt like the princess trapped in H-E-double hockey stix with no hope in sight of ever find'n my wallet

i could barely catch my breath as i flew back down to the video store

to ask the 2 town video whores work'n part time behind the counter if anyone had turned in a wallet to which they both said (in unison i might add) "NO...no one turned in a purple Culture Club wallet!"

waid'a'minute! i never said what kinda wallet it was nor the color

of it…the jig was up...i now had realized that i'd been played by a couple of pro's who weren't play'n around...not ONLY did i forgo the video rentals fer my sibs (and that one video nasty fer me and my friends) i also didn't get to relish in my new found wealth any longer...worst of all...

I LOST MY DAMN DARK LAVENDER HOLY GRAIL!

even Indiana could'a never completed this task fer me

moral of this story is ...karma is more than just a chameleon from the 80's

and that twinkies are not the chemically treated deliciousness that we were lead to believe!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...if the statute of limitations hasn't run out and we can possibly be charged with some sorta armed robbery or high crimes and misdemeanors after all these years...ummm this was all just an alleged dream i fergot to not remember...ever!