A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 3

picture it kittens...it's now 2023 and we were totally emersed in the PINK!

and by that i don't mean 2 in the *BLANK* and 1 in the *BLANK* (insert vomit here) of course i'm speak'n of MARGOT ROBBIE's portrayal of the I-C-O-N-I-C-C-C-C doll (hold on a sec...can someone puhleez get my good friend Nicole read'n this a paper bag cuz she's hyperventilate'n from laugh'n hysterically and just carry on with the blog? i can hear you from my commode!) in the "BARBIE" flick which was the #1 movie fer 4 weeks in a row and took in over a very mind blow'n 1 billion dollars...make'n it Warner Brothers highest gross'n film ever in it's 100 year history

and ps...the O-R-I-G-I-N-A-L single "BARBIE GIRL" released in 1997 by danish/norwegians AQUA hands down is a gazillion times more catchy than that crapolla yeast infection of a remake they shoved down our throats in the movie (that's just a simple fact Z'ers...deal wit it!)

BRENDA MAE TARPLEY known to the world simply as BRENDA LEE

recorded the famous xmas jingle "ROCK'N AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE" in 1958 however it would take BRENDA at the age of 79 to not only become the oldest to have a hit on the billboard hot 100 charts but also the 1st musical artist to ever enter the charts with a number 1 song she had recorded 65 years earlier

and just as the critically acclaimed series about the malicious monarchy 

" THE CROWN" comes to a dramatic end after 6 breath take'n and brilliantly acted sensationally scandalous seasons deal'n with the ins and outs over the decades of the most famous royal family of our times...

so to does this blog of thee most famously unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after 13 breath take'n and brilliantly penned sensationally scandalous years (what perfect time'n huh!) deal'n with my own ins and outs over the years (more on that after these important messages)

BUTT fer the last time...click here fer pt 1 and click here fer pt 2

10 years later and ankles deep into my metamucil years i would wake up 

in the middle of the nite from a narcoleptic nap on the lanai and turned on my cell to chat amongst the sea of throat plungers and anal annie's online only to find a message from a potential prodicktion company once again (can you imagine...at my advanced age?) offer'n me an offer i shouldn't refuse (the follow'n is the actual "offer" i received...the pictorial content has been edited...hey there are lil kittens read'n this durin' storytime pervie's)

along with his credentials...cuz why not!

WOW! you mean all i have to do is enter my platinum Pamida credit card

 information into yer "link" fer a one time payment then yer banana will be splitt'n me in 2 and you'll actually PAY ME afterwards fer gape'n my chili pipeline?

well lemme tell you i considered his very "generous" offer H-O-W-E-V-E-R

 i wasn't born yesterday...as hot as my midnite cowboy may have looked...i hadda pretty good sneak'n suspicion that my dreamy dalliance was most likely a slovakian hot dog vendor named Akeem contact'n me from a call center in Jakarta think'n he had roped in some cataract slut so i sent him a simple rebuttal and just to make sure that there was zero conclusion as to where i was cumm'n from...

i made my pole position unrefutably KRYSTAL KLEER as how to contact me...

unfortunately...5 minutes later...my account (as well as my dignity) was completely blocked from any further contact with my manwich meal ticket...that's all!

to say this has been a journey is a total understatement...i began down

this road 13 unlucky years ago with my random weekly muse'ns (thanks to my friend Karen's advice) as just a simple amuse'n dive'n board to promote my 1st ever attempt at write'n my very 1st ever EBT budgeted stage production under my very own dimly lit spotlight fer a change to get some spare change fer my piggy wiggly bank (thanks to my friend Mary's advice) which incidentally had mentally and financially put me in a hole deeper than any of my X's oddly enough

H-O-W-E-V-E-R with a new chapter of my life finally beginn'n shortly this

ain't goodbye fer good (just bye fer now and that's good!) 

in short i've been work'n on chapters fer a physical hard cover version of

 my words of tacky and tawdry whimsical wisdom fer the past 2 years and try'na wrap it up so you can wrap it up and put it under someone's tacky tinseled tree at this time next year... 

plus here's hope'n my sometimes saucy though mostly twisted thoughts can turn into some sorta money make'n machine fer me (who knows) so cross yer heart bra's...

fer the simple reason that i gotta move outta my quaint lil shithole of 13 years and into my dream shithole trailer...cuz WHY NOT! (stay tuned)

and just like that geographical hit from that snappy and sensible songbird

from the 60's LYNN ANDERSON sing’n "I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE" i truly have been everywhere…bein’ read around the world since this blog's incredible inception offer'n free advice and frivolous anecdotes from the back alley abortion clinics in Boise to the desolate depravities live’n on the Siberian deserts

i've hoped i'd made you laugh just a lil...i've hoped i'd made you cry just a

lil...i've hoped i'd made you broaden yer horizons just a lil...i've even hoped i'd made you ferget about yer own miserable life fer a just a lil and focus just a lil more on mine but mostly... 

i hope you just GET OFF MY DRESS!

TSSS TSSS TSSS...AHH AHH AHH!

ever get that not so fresh feeling...like yer being watched? and i don't 

mean that in some twisted wicked cuntruffle from the west end with a dozen flying monkeys and a dollop of Dorothy Gale cream fill'n kinda 3way way...

nor do i mean that in a Jeff Stryker should have his own zip code fer his middle portion kinda way either kittens...well not today anyways!

so you know how very deeply i'm into gangsta rap BOY GEORGE right?

well...this has nothing to do with the follow'n events...i just thought i'd let ya know BOY and the boys from CULTURE CLUB are back out on the road fer a mini US tour this summer to entertain the masses with their asses that will surely sell out so click here to find out what city you can catch em at...cuz the BOY is like buttah these days!

BOY...if yer read'n this...and i know in some parallel universe you are...

i want you to know..."THE NEXT THING WILL BE AMAZING" at the "CHURCH OF THE POISON MIND" and that "TIME CLOCK OF THE HEART" won't give me time as i look fer my "KARMA CHAMELEON" look...now i'm gett'n flaklempt! talk amongst yerselves...i'll give you a topic...GEORGE is no longer a boy nor was Culture ever a club you could personally pay a membership fee to join...discuss!

so there i was a couple months back...a few years ago...chatter'n amongst the lost lonely souls along the informational highway look'n fer fornicational pleasures at the easiest and apparently...the most polluted and diluted...i mean the most "popular" informational highway rest stop...

out there...GRINDR...strictly as a sexually charged starved observationalist of course

well truth be told...i actually loathe non verbal communication completely...

about as much as i loathe sushi...Belushi...phoney's and flakes...and definitely anything deep fried on a stake...the socially retarded...the chemically dependents...and what is up with all these emotionally delayed defendants?

i think it was the one Miss Macgregor's nipples who said it best sing'n...

"torn between two lovers...feel'n like a fool...lov'n both of you...is break'n all the ruuuuules!"

bein' the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am...i seriously don't have time to be bothered with

play'n the proverbial text game of cat and mouse...i mean come on...i'm a pseudo sorta somewhat star in my own mind after all...i don't have to put up with that shit!

so unless i'm totally engaged in a deep conversation of yer boredom...i just throw my contact number out there like candy to the depraved non heterosexual kittens with a pulse...in hopes fer some human inter"action"

when ya think about it really though...text'n is sooo impersonal...it was

much more romantic when our ancestral indian mo's used to send smoke signals...granted you never knew back then if it was fer a hook-up...or they just needed a bucket of water cuz their tee-pee was on fire...but just like smoke signals...9.5 times outta 10 (and trust me...that .5 helps) they rarely ever call back anyways...cuz aggressive passiveness is sooo much more attractive...don'tcha think?

well on the occasion that the one half that actually do decide to do voice on voice connection...i do my best to try and weed out their intentions within the first 5 to 15 minutes...and make my call if it's gonna end up bein' a terrific nite on the town...or just a tea bag party after the sun goes down

and if the latter is the case...i do my stretches and make sure to lay out an assortment of spermicidal jams and jellies...i am a safety gurl after all

one even'n while i was pump'n my pecs...i received a text from an out of 

my area code  unknown number and to make a short story a lil longer than needed...if yer name ain't in my cellular device...you either lost my interest or didn't bring me any canned goods! such was the case i guess with said texted man but i'm all about give'n it up to charity (when a quota is needed) so i requested from him to send me a pic to remind me why i didn't wanna be bothered to log him in my phone in the first place cuz now perhaps maybe i do (one never knows right?)

minutes later...i received a text look'n like the guy work'n out next to me...

now...i can neither confirm nor deny that said picture above is the texter in question so play along with me on this one...at first i thought SCORE! i was so ready to hop on board his gravy train after all!

though as i looked closer to the picture it was my back stand'n next to him

hmmm? now this text was turn'n more into like the call is come'n from inside the house!

i immediately put down the dumbbells and pulled up my leg warmers...and skedaddled the H-E-double hockey stix outta there...as i was head'n out... 

my good friend Faedre called and i was tell'n her about this phone freak who took a pic of me work'n out and not that THAT was so unusual...it was more the manner that the pic was take'n as it was take'n thru the window of the gym

my 1st OFFICIAL stalker! now i know what it feels like to be MADONNA

well...minus the gazillion dollars in my piggy bank...a hot bilingual conalingul to read bed time stories to and a posse of A double snake kissers every where i go to do my bidd'n but at least we now have a common thread to talk about over beluga caviar...carrot strips and some kabbalah on the side...if the situation should ever happen that we meet...again

BUTT...that ain't all!

by the time i had made it home i started gett'n dinner ready and noticed another text from him...by now i decided that this cat and mouse game had gone on way too long enough so i deleted it without even read'n it however a minute later another text had made it's way thru unfortunately HOWEVER this time with a pictorial that looked awfully familiar to me...

CUZ IT WAS THE BACK OF ME LEAVE'N THE FUCK'N GYM!

seriously kittens...this was now gett'n a lil to "i will not be ignored!"

and i was in no mood to sit down to a bowl of bunny soup that even'n!

about 3 hours later as i was O.D.'n on S.A.T.C. since i wasn't have'n any...

a call came thru with no name...but i was so strung out like some junkie whore on the show...that i picked it up without think'n...they said they were Jay and that we met a while back...hmmm i did meet a Jay in chicago over market days that was from the Minne-Apple that wanted to "hang out" so i said sure come on over however only if you wanna swap stories and not split you like a caramel sunday only cuz i was gett'n ready to count sheep

30 mins later a text popped up say'n he was here so i threw on my smurf jammies (why not!) and headed fer the back door (lil side note...contrary to popular belief...that is my door of choice...i gotta tattoo above mine that says exit only...unless you gimme a ring) but any who'zll'ding...as i finally

reached the top of the steps i could see some odd guy peer'n thru my back door window though this was not the Jay that i had previously met in Chicago...have'n said that he hadda sorta Colin Farrell cum fuck me look to him (well...if i had early onset dementia and glaucoma of the eyes)

 in a Charles Nelson Reilly sorta way...

i had zero clue who he was and was in no mood to play 20 questions so i 

opened the back door and asked him who he was and unbeknownst to me unfortunately it turns out...HE WAS MY STALKER!

as he paced back and forth in the park'n lot try'n to get me to let him inside...i wondered....hmmm....how did he ever find me?...then i thought wait!...i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist 

i let him say his peace cuz he was not gett'n any piece of me...besides i wasn't wear'n my explosive deflector jammies that particular even'n

he pretty much rambled on...hop scotch'n from random story to random story...how 95% of non heterosexuals lie on line about themselves (can't argue with him there unfortunately)...how i was good look'n (again...good point!) but looked like i'm pretentious (hey hold up a minute there...i'm not conceited...just convinced!)...then he went off the deep end about if he ever had kids and the stove was on how he would let them touch it and they would learn their lesson and how no one ever wants to hang out...

with him...and how he has an IQ of 110...A-N-D...time to go P-S-Y-C-H-O! 

i told him it's been lovely meet'n him and thanked him fer play'n then he

went home with some beautiful part'n gifts...a phone number to a "friend" of mine who works with the "lollipop guild" society and some unused turtle wax i had left over from my price is right winn'ns back in '87...and made my way back inside my shit box...

i racked my brain over and over how he found me as i applied my St Ives mint julip mud mask...turns out a friend i had called said that any picture's that i may have take'n in my own lil shit box i call home and sent out to the universe...can easily be tracked by GPS from my phone

DOH! i knew upgrade'n my dino flip phone to a smart phone was gonna be the death of me...my dumb ass would never figer out all the tricks and triggers and chaos's it could cause...it's a trilogy of terror i could live without!

3 days later...i received a call from yet another unknown number...and like an idiot think'n it could be a call from Ed McMahon tell'n me i had won the publishers clear'n house bullshit...(before i realized he's dead) i picked up!

he wanted to know what my name was...i said "WHY?"...he said...
 "cuz i wanna know who i'm look'n at!"

well it has been 4 years since my stalker left me...but i know he's out there...watch'n...wait'n...want'n more...of me...well why the hell not?

but i'm in no mood have'n to get my number changed once again fer fuck's sakes...i can barely remember my ABC's let alone my STD's...so until we meet again and i'm sure we will...celebrate yer alive!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!