A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 3

picture it kittens...it's now 2023 and we were totally emersed in the PINK!

and by that i don't mean 2 in the *BLANK* and 1 in the *BLANK* (insert vomit here) of course i'm speak'n of MARGOT ROBBIE's portrayal of the I-C-O-N-I-C-C-C-C doll (hold on a sec...can someone puhleez get my good friend Nicole read'n this a paper bag cuz she's hyperventilate'n from laugh'n hysterically and just carry on with the blog? i can hear you from my commode!) in the "BARBIE" flick which was the #1 movie fer 4 weeks in a row and took in over a very mind blow'n 1 billion dollars...make'n it Warner Brothers highest gross'n film ever in it's 100 year history

and ps...the O-R-I-G-I-N-A-L single "BARBIE GIRL" released in 1997 by danish/norwegians AQUA hands down is a gazillion times more catchy than that crapolla yeast infection of a remake they shoved down our throats in the movie (that's just a simple fact Z'ers...deal wit it!)

BRENDA MAE TARPLEY known to the world simply as BRENDA LEE

recorded the famous xmas jingle "ROCK'N AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE" in 1958 however it would take BRENDA at the age of 79 to not only become the oldest to have a hit on the billboard hot 100 charts but also the 1st musical artist to ever enter the charts with a number 1 song she had recorded 65 years earlier

and just as the critically acclaimed series about the malicious monarchy 

" THE CROWN" comes to a dramatic end after 6 breath take'n and brilliantly acted sensationally scandalous seasons deal'n with the ins and outs over the decades of the most famous royal family of our times...

so to does this blog of thee most famously unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after 13 breath take'n and brilliantly penned sensationally scandalous years (what perfect time'n huh!) deal'n with my own ins and outs over the years (more on that after these important messages)

BUTT fer the last time...click here fer pt 1 and click here fer pt 2

10 years later and ankles deep into my metamucil years i would wake up 

in the middle of the nite from a narcoleptic nap on the lanai and turned on my cell to chat amongst the sea of throat plungers and anal annie's online only to find a message from a potential prodicktion company once again (can you imagine...at my advanced age?) offer'n me an offer i shouldn't refuse (the follow'n is the actual "offer" i received...the pictorial content has been edited...hey there are lil kittens read'n this durin' storytime pervie's)

along with his credentials...cuz why not!

WOW! you mean all i have to do is enter my platinum Pamida credit card

 information into yer "link" fer a one time payment then yer banana will be splitt'n me in 2 and you'll actually PAY ME afterwards fer gape'n my chili pipeline?

well lemme tell you i considered his very "generous" offer H-O-W-E-V-E-R

 i wasn't born yesterday...as hot as my midnite cowboy may have looked...i hadda pretty good sneak'n suspicion that my dreamy dalliance was most likely a slovakian hot dog vendor named Akeem contact'n me from a call center in Jakarta think'n he had roped in some cataract slut so i sent him a simple rebuttal and just to make sure that there was zero conclusion as to where i was cumm'n from...

i made my pole position unrefutably KRYSTAL KLEER as how to contact me...

unfortunately...5 minutes later...my account (as well as my dignity) was completely blocked from any further contact with my manwich meal ticket...that's all!

to say this has been a journey is a total understatement...i began down

this road 13 unlucky years ago with my random weekly muse'ns (thanks to my friend Karen's advice) as just a simple amuse'n dive'n board to promote my 1st ever attempt at write'n my very 1st ever EBT budgeted stage production under my very own dimly lit spotlight fer a change to get some spare change fer my piggy wiggly bank (thanks to my friend Mary's advice) which incidentally had mentally and financially put me in a hole deeper than any of my X's oddly enough

H-O-W-E-V-E-R with a new chapter of my life finally beginn'n shortly this

ain't goodbye fer good (just bye fer now and that's good!) 

in short i've been work'n on chapters fer a physical hard cover version of

 my words of tacky and tawdry whimsical wisdom fer the past 2 years and try'na wrap it up so you can wrap it up and put it under someone's tacky tinseled tree at this time next year... 

plus here's hope'n my sometimes saucy though mostly twisted thoughts can turn into some sorta money make'n machine fer me (who knows) so cross yer heart bra's...

fer the simple reason that i gotta move outta my quaint lil shithole of 13 years and into my dream shithole trailer...cuz WHY NOT! (stay tuned)

and just like that geographical hit from that snappy and sensible songbird

from the 60's LYNN ANDERSON sing’n "I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE" i truly have been everywhere…bein’ read around the world since this blog's incredible inception offer'n free advice and frivolous anecdotes from the back alley abortion clinics in Boise to the desolate depravities live’n on the Siberian deserts

i've hoped i'd made you laugh just a lil...i've hoped i'd made you cry just a

lil...i've hoped i'd made you broaden yer horizons just a lil...i've even hoped i'd made you ferget about yer own miserable life fer a just a lil and focus just a lil more on mine but mostly... 

i hope you just GET OFF MY DRESS!

DEUCES WILD!

don't you hate when this happens to MEEEEEEEEE? so there i am one

lazy afternoon mindlessly mind'n my own biz...in concert (off key of course) with LYNN ANDERSON's "I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE" when nature came a call'n and i was desperately try'na keep my basement "biz" at a stand still while i was still in my piece-o-shit mobile on barely there wheels at the stop light as traffic was stand'n still...when the damn thing decided to start choke'n on me like a hungry throat plunge'n milker at a frat party on prom nite all while desperately try'na come up with a lil silly though just as crucially important words of wisdom fer the week to put my masses on their asses...however...much like my milky smooth perky A double snakes...nothing was come'n out!

then i thought to myself…i said SELF…what haven't you talked about yet?

what's the one topic that seems to elude just about every water cooler conversations?

i thought about it really hard...grunt'n like a gansta...then i thought…SHIT!

i finally pulled into some ma an pa convenient store and conveniently flushed my sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain god...then i pondered fer a moment and figered...hey this seems to be a topic no one wants to talk about yet we've all done at some point hopefully durin' the day or at the very least fer those lazy socialites...had it vacuumed outta them by means of a colonic irrigation once a week at least

the obvious one being of course…is take'n a ride on the porcelain pony...

while yer try'na make a glamorous inner mission...during the intermission of some craptastic theater production you were forced to see just cuz they paid fer yer ticket...

BUTT...that ain't all!

those infamous 4 letters can be interpreted in many other different forms…

so let's begin...fer instance...it can be used as an act of irritation…

"you piece of shit!…you gave me crabs"

then there's those times when take'n care of some elderly incontinent 

pare "can someone else change grannies shit shorts fer a change?"

how 'bout a term of endearment to a small child show'n how much you 

really care "awww…ain’t you the cutest lil’ shi now run along and get yer mommie a cocktail before i tattoo another wire hanger imprint on yer ass...ok kitten?"

a very popular one that's used by many as a sense of entitlement…

"can someone pleez get this lil' barfbag outta my sight?…i'm a goddamn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe…i don't have to put up with this shit! do you know how many blind himalayan migrant children it took to hand stitch me this jacket?"

then of course…plenty of parents have used it during a fit of frustration…

"dammit…you lil shit…stop it now…or i’ll give ya somethin' to whine about"

it’s also a warn'n signal for the giver when turn'n their knee's into gristle…

"OOOH SHIT…OOOH SHIT…i'm comin…I'M COOOOOOOOMIN'!"

(consult yer physician if erectile dysfunction occurs)

unfortunately...it can also be heard as a sign of depression fer some…

especially those boned up non homosexual males out there that were plann'n on play'n the fields "aaaah shit…not again!"

one too many apple-tini’s can be a really really bad buzz kill…

"oooooh shit…get outta my waaaaay…i think i'm gonna blow chunks!"

this would be a good sign you need to start popp'n that ginkgo biloba...

"AH SHIT!…you said yer wife was in a coma...where in the sam hell did i put my panties?"

or if you feel like take a trip down the danger side to spice up yer love life

"SHIT!…i can't remember which stall i was told to tap my toes in"

when you have no control on an icy patch at 65 miles per hour…

"SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!"

or just when yer in the fuck'n mood to make-out with good ol' "mary jane"

"now that’s some good shit maaaaan!"

however you slice it…is fine with me…BUT…if you think fer a minute that

yer shit smells like a bed of roses...

so in conclusion sometimes yer full of shit and sometimes you just gotta 

make shit up!...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

BANNED IN THE USA

there has been a long history of persons...places and things that were 

considered a huge NO NO in this country...date'n back to the beginn'n of time...fer instance...

1 million years B.C. (that's before caucasions fer you tiktok'ers since most of you want to exploit almost everything for yer unhinged insane agenda) woman was not allowed to wear any poly blends due to extreme temperatures since feminine hygiene products would not be readily available to the general public fer roughly a million years...instead forced into cover'n their unhinged unmentionables with cheap but functional tyrannosaurus hide...

as not to upstage the true dames of the dessert durin' the divasaurus period!

BUTT...ain't it a shame

by the time the 1920's rolled around...unhinged alcoholics everywhere

were gett'n their knickers in a knot cuz the US government decided to ban the production...distribution and consumption of ALL alcoholic sales known as the BETTY FORD clinical trial era (or "the prohibition period" to all you Alex Trebek twats) that was until the revolt 13 years later in 1933 when all hell broke loose and alcoholics everywhere stumbled and fumbled and were proud to show off their sclerosis of the liver badge

however by 1963 hot to trot president and Marilyn Monroe's afternoon

 delight JFK decided to get in a piss match with the president of Cuba over whether or not Lynn Anderson's "I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE" hit should'a included Cuba in the lyrics or somethin' like that i think so he decided to impose travel restrictions to his country

in the 1970's baltimore's own filthiest person alive....drag super legend 

DIVINE had not one but 2 of her films banned fer 25 years from movie theaters due it's sexually depraved content (though both were easily available in the 80's once the home video crazy began)

when the 1980's popped up on the map...those heavy metal alcoholic 

wives known simply as TWISTED SISTER fronted by maybelline madman DEE SNIDER found himself in the middle of a musical shit storm due to their "offensive lyrics" that was spearheaded by future vice presidential 1st lady TIPPER GORE the prudish whore of the P.M.R.C (Parade of Moralistically Regurgitated Cunts) 

that bitch slapped ANY record'n artists with these blasphemous labels that had any kinda questionable lyrics in their music that fortunately only helped catapulted the artist into sell'n a shit load more 8-track tapes...the record industry thanx you TIPPER!

now fast forward to jan 6th 2021 and F-I-N-A-L-L-Y after the insurrectional

attack on the US capitol in DC incited by the former mentally deranged IMPEACHED TWICE FER LIFE sociopathetik sack of vomitous shit has-been joke who ran the country into the ground fer 4 unfortunate years...media giants FACEBOOK and TWITTER continued with their bitch slapped ban fer continue'n his tirade about how the election was suppose to be stolen from PRESIDENT BIDEN cuz he was still collude'n with the Kremlin and try'n to incite more of his baseless bullshit to his dwindle'n light socket lick'n brain dead reTRUMPlicunt dipshitters...

like this gem over the weekend...

who knew JR's new nickname was Medina?

he had originally sent out this text but Baron told his shitbag father everyone will think he's incriminate'n himself BIGLEY!

of course there will be those who scream bloody murder of  "free speech"

bein' trampled on...however those fucktards are the same venereal diseases that think the Duck Dynasty has been around alot longer than the Ming Dynasty...in either case...though i'm all fer free speech...i...along with most of the rational planet with at least one function'n brain cell couldn't be more pleased as punch that the walk'n mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE TWICE corrupt coffin never gets back the bullhorn to spew his bullshit!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!