Monday, January 28, 2013

totally HAZZARDous fer yer health

originally...i had the green light to interview the follow'n entertainer turned entrepreneur back in decem fer yer holiglazed him himself...
but due our planets not bein' aligned with our moon rise'n...or "somethin' like that"...somehow we got into a horrible crash along the informational highway...and i was left to pick up the pieces...but i decided to put my balls to my walls and post this interview...minus the interviewee anyways...just cuz i interpret what he may or may not have really the best of my non ability to read minds...ever since that home lobotomy turned out as well as my Oglivie home perm!


i was never a huge fan of emphysema...
i'll only take a drag...fer that glamorous hollywood look!

i mean...why would you bother smoke'n...
when you can find somethin' dirtier than the ass of a cigarette to stick in yer mouth?

today i'm speak'n to entertainer hotness known as...JOHNNY HAZZARD
yer well?...cooooooooooome...with me

so are a perfect example that BIG things do come in small packages...but there's nothing small about yer "package"...being one of MN native porn director extrodinaire CHi CHi LaRue's BIGGEST stars...
have you always known you had that "IT" factor when it came to adult entertainment?
(he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "ha...well it all started after watch'n “The Coach’s Boys”...and i thought i'd like to give it a'd be a fun way to make some extra money " 

how were you discovered by Chi Chi LaRue?
(he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "in some gloryhole i think on hollywood and vine...i'm kidd'n folks...i got in contact with this guy named Doug Jeffries...and 4 hours later i was book'n my test run in LA with Chi Chi...the test run went well and i ended up become'n the face of Rascal Video and worked with CHi CHi until 2011 and after Chi Chi i moved on to work with Randy Blue and UK Naked Men...but i'm grateful for Chi Chi give'n me the chance to cross adult entertainer off my bucket list...Chi CHi is a great friend and was a trip to work for")

i was supposedly "scouted out" back in the early days of my career by this knuckle scrape'n neanderthal who said they were Chi Chi's "talent agent" and was offered $15 + 2 cans of diet coke to perform a solo performance for him...
i said..."i don't even like diet coke!"

what's the weirdest offer you've gotten to showcase yer "tooth chipper"? and is there ANYONE famous or not so famous (i'll selfishly include myself in that equation) that you would hypathetically like "to do" in an adult movie with if you got to choose? (he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "that's weird...i got the same offer once...except they offered me a bag of pork rinds along with the 2 diet far as someone famous that i would hypathetically like "to do"...let's just say i never kiss and tell...well unless of course it makes it to dvd")

yer mantle at home must be over flow'n with awards fer yer contributions to the adult entertainment industry
porn's answer to the Oscar's

from best group sex duo sex 3way sex scenes...and best solo name a you go into each performance
hope'n to snag the coveted GRABBY award?...come award season?
(he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "i've only gotten "into" some performances...most have gotten "into me"...insert laugh here far as come'n to award season...i have on occasion...but sometimes...let's face it...sometimes yer tank is empty...know what i mean?")

not only are you a hot-to-trot star of the adult entertainment biz...but yer talents expand into the music...model'n and televison industry as well...
in 2006 you released yer debut dance single "deeper in you"

 model'n denim jeans and swimwear for RUFSKIN

and starred in season 2 of the gay themed fang bang series...
"The Lair" on the HERE! network

do you have any other dance singles come'n out or have any future plans to star in any other television series? ya have anything to whore out at the moment...that my flock of kittens can enjoy thru monetary value to you?
(he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "i was lip synch'n and dancin' to this song “Spellbound” by Sherrie Lea that i made into a video i posted on youtube...the songwriter James Collins seen it and wanted me to come to Toronto to record "deeper into you"...which ended up being featured in an episode of "True Blood"...and if you want you can download it on ITUNES

don't get me wrong...i'll always remember how i started out become'n a household name...and i don't regret ever doin' it...but i've done it already
and i'm ready to open a new door in my life

currently i'm really excited about my new venture with "RUFF RIDER"...
which is a great company that i've designed tee shirts for that are made in the US...they're eco friendly...and were inspired by the need to live free be strong")

you've worked with many talented people thru-out yer illustrious career....
this past holiglazed season starr'n in the video "you've ruined my xmas"

and most recently starr'n in "a drag queen is a cowboys best friend" video

written and directed by 80's icon and...
my personal fav-o-rit singer in the entire universe...Boy George
who you've also modeled for with his clothing line "B-Rude" in the past

how did that all come about?...and did you feel any pressure work'n for such an amaze'n non heterosexual icon?
(he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "i was always a huge fan of Boy George's music...i met George by chance at a club one nite years back in NY and he told me about his line of clothin' he was make'n and asked if i'd model for i didn't hesitate...George is a fantastic person to work for and a very fun guy to hang out with so there's never any pressure...i was in London this past december with Chi Chi and our friend Dean and George got us all tickets to see his play "Taboo"...which is a great show by the way...he was tell'n me about this new group he was work'n with "The Supreme Fabulettes" and he wanted me to appear in the video "You Ruined My Xmas" that he was direct'n so i said sure...then i also appeared in "a drag queen is a cowboy's best friend" recently... i always have a great time hang'n out with George whenever i get the chance")

and just the other day...
i put on my angela lansbury cap and found out

you'll also be make'n yer stage debut  with The Surpreme Fabulettes

that's just faboo...all the best with that mister man of many many MANY talents!

now we've come to my fav-o-rit part of the interview...i like to call...
"can we talk about ME fer a CHANGE?"

so how this works can ask me anything...and i'm totally serious...i really do mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G under the want to know about me...well except about rainbows...i was never a fan of them...and really...cuz that's just bein' totally fuck'n lazy (he allegedly might'a said somethin' like "ok...Mattress Fever huh?! have YOU thought about doin' porn yourself?...cuz i have to say you couldn't have come up with a better name...well except maybe mine...HA!)

first off...that is my real name...Krystal Kleer is just my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe title...Frankie/Johnny...but if i ever did think about a career in the adult entertainment biz...i'd like to keep my anonimity...

so i'd have'ta change my maybe somethin' like Rex or Hunter...
 or MR. BIG!
read into that any way you want...or just ask any of my satisfied customers!

but come to think of it though...i've already dabbled in the adult industry of entertainment...true story...i answered an actual ad on craigslist about 3 years ago...look'n for a snapper to take erotic pix...i thought WHY NOT!...
 i wanted to make some extra $$$ fer my piggy bank

when i got to the hotel room (don't worry it' wasn't that seedy one)...the non heterosexual couple that was there...told me they wanted to make a video fer their 5th anniversary i told them since i never shot film before i'd do this as a present fer them...i just said i'd be a fly on the wall...
in heels...and just do what they'd do on any given hot-n-heavy nite together
just let me know when the "money shot" was come'n (pun intended kittens)

after 5 minutes...the top guy couldn't get the "air in his tire"...and he asked me to "help him out"...i told him "hey...i've done that plenty of times before"

"i'm just a stuffer...not a fluffer...if you want that done"
"i'm gonna have'ta charge the minute!"

15 minutes later he finally got his skyrocket in flight..and they finally had their afternoon delight moment...i left know'n i did my best charitable act of the year...i recieved an email 2 days later tell'n me i did a great job film'n them...2 weeks later...they had broken up...the moral of the story you ask?

ya can't doodle with a dead matter how hard you try!

i wanna thank the "alleged" titalate'n tid bits from 1 of the industry's finest...
  Johnny Hazzard

you wanna learn more about Johnny...check him out at

c u this fri get off my dress!

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