Monday, December 22, 2014

jingles jingles jingles

tis the season
it's that time of year

blessed are the homely
the hags...this silly queer!

snowflakes begin dance'n
from under nite skies of blue

an unintentionally internationally unknown ferry
with a package full of goo

tinsel and baubles
twinkle with delight

a fruitcake in wait'n
for someone's silent nite

the tree has been trimmed
with all of my love

i've scarred all the carolers
and burnt the damn dove

roast'n the chesnuts
champagne would be splash'n

you can bet yer pretty lil A double snakes sweetie darl'n
that i'll look absolutely smash'n

so i figered i'd try n lighten yer load...
with somethin' beefy...bright n bold

whether yer under the weather or just under the mistletoe...
with yer legs stapled to the ceil''s a mix of my top 15 pieces of xmas ear candy from yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n mo' mix in yer mix

one of my all time fav-o-rit charity jingles ever recorded...Mr. Geldof had his heart in the right place at the right time...but why fuck with perfection Bobby? rework'n the lyrics to fit today's crisis...i'm sorry but you basically wiped yer A double snakes with this one...oh and don't ferget yer blueberry stoli and 7

#14 "god rest ye merry gentlemen" ANNIE LENNOX
this melancholic song bird is as smooth as butter on a stack of pancakes breath'n life into this christmas classic...while finish'n off that family sized bottle of bourbon

#13 "december song" GEORGE MICHAEL
an intimately simple song that can melt the heart of the meanest grinch...or help you decided whether to cut up and down or across...while swigg'n on some back alley swill

#12 "hard candy christmas" DOLLY PARTON
she can do no wrong...but sometimes...somethin' so wrong like bein' alone fer the holidays...can feel so right...add in a manhattan to ease the joy of bein alone...yet again

one of her catchiest commercial pop tunes to date where she isn't dive'n into some damn pool look'n like some drenched fool...but i hadda hunt fer hours to find a recent pic of her that wasn't photoshopped to death...and much like her current tour...serve with gin on the rocks

#10 "santa baby" MADONNA
a puuurfect spin on a classic with her Betty Boop infusion...give'n this hit enough bad girl innuendo to heat up those cold winter nites...of course a godiva white chocolate martini is best with this one

#9 "you ruined my christmas" THE SUPREME FABULETTES
this trio delivers a kitschy lil carol that'll make ya think twice about bein' nice to that married man you met on not mix a lil chilled absinthe and champagne fer a lil death in the afternoon cocktail while yer at it

#8 "a christmas duel" CYNDI LAUPER and the HIVES
an infectious carol fer the whole fuck'n dysfunctional family to sing along to while toss'n back a couple of PBR's and toss'n around a few punches under the mistletoe 

#7 "christmas wrapping" THE WAITRESSES
fer those who feel like someone pissed on yer fruitcake...yer prayers have been answered...make sure ya gotta bottle of tequila near by

#6 "snow/heat miser song"  SNOW MISER and HEAT MISER
theme song too many Republicant's and Republicunts holiday parties...a shitty tom and jerry should do just fine

#5 "what's this?" JACK SKELLINGTON
of course no christmas list would be complete without a twist of halloween...and sipp'n on a mint julip

#4 "mele kalikimaka" BETTE MIDLER
put on yer pookoo shells and grass skirt...and prance around the palm trees with this mecca lecca high mecca hiney ho classic and yer fav-o-rit hawiian to punch...along with sex on the beach

this lil saccrinated slut cutie patootie belted out this chirpy lil number at the age of 10...prepare a lil virgin mary fer the lil kitties and while yer at it...throw in a future AA membership card

#2 "merry xxxmas" CHUNKY PAM
you asked for it GAYLA...and you got it!'ll be stuffed listen'n to Pam inhale all those xmas fix'ns...and chugg'n on a long island iced tea

#1 "santa's baby" JACKIE BEAT
nothing says spread'n the christmas cheer more than that jolly ol' fat ass spread'n his meaty thighs to come down yer chimney after poke'n at ya like a christmas pinata...some mind eraser shots work perfectly with this one

there ya go...happy ho ho ho
now get off my dress!

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