Monday, October 15, 2012

WTF?

due to a malfucktion a couple weeks back...i lost it and went all ape shit on my own ass fer a change after hours of work...accimentally hitt'n the delete button (where it ought not to be in the 1st place) after od'n on a barrel of red bull

so let's now join today's ramblin's already in progress...shall we

ever have one of those days when you just wonder...WTF?

WTF? situation #1
Honey Boo Boo

i recently just heard all about this Honey Boo Boo phenomenon

i initially thought it was some sorta domestic abuse situation...
brought on by some back water trailer park Clampett family 

but she's just some pint sized princess...barely knee high to a pigs eye...
WTF?...her bank account is bigger than my ego!

didn't we learn anything from Jon Benet?

turns out though...fer bein' a terror in a tiara...Honey Boo Boo of  former "toddlers and tiaras" fame...made herself  into her very own spin-off

plus...she loves her uncle Poodle

though i have no plans on download'n this program anytime soon to rot my think'n cap...H-E-L-L-O POODLE...can ya throw this single dog a bone?

WTF? situation #2
Sarah Silverman

this Jewess SNL graduate from the 90's and many other things since...
has never shied away from a thing...and her razor sharp tongue and cheek thoughts...cut right to the bone of yer chinny chin chin

watch'n politics on my understated console tv...fer me...
is like watch'n Britney Spears try'n to give advice on a talent contest...a slow painful train wreck

thankfully Sarah pulls no punches with big political words...
she makes it easy fer even the 47%...like me...to understand WTF is goin' on with all this "voter fraud" in her best yet PSA brilliance

those that don't vote this nov. after watch'n this...cannot bitch!

WTF? situation #3
Ted Haggard

i was in uptown over the weekend...it was approximately 3:30 in the mid afternoon…i was wear'n a very understated mock turtle neck in lavender...
wrapped in my 100% cotton lime green hoodie from the Gap...a pair of well worn boot cut levi's...in black...my brown tattered cap adorned...
with my "get outta jail" Boy George pin

and my new shit kickers that were kill'n my feet...but made me look fabulous

i was walk'n by some thai restaurant...chatt'n on my dinosaur flip phone...
try'n to hire some hot muscled up shot boy (well 45 year old man at this point...who'm i try'n to kid)...and YES this is really him


WTF was this fall-from-grace to his knees-to-please some penile pensioner
preacher doin in uptown?...the winds were outta the north 5 to 10 miles per hour that day...and i don't wanna start any rumors...but trust me when i say...ol' Teddy was "outta breath"...grinn'n in his linen...i'm just say'n!

WTF? situation #4
Madonna

so it was a sunny afternoon a few weeks back...when i had alot to do

i got a "viewer discretion advised"  phone call outta the blue...from someone i met months earlier...want'n to do some  Jane Fonda work-outs with me...
so i thought...WHY NOT!

trust me...you'da said the same thing if you were me

(those non homosexuals with weak stomach's may wanna sit this part out...scroll down to the *asterisks* and we'll pick it up from there...
KAPEESH!)

buns so tight you could bounce a whole roll of quarters off of em
(these are stunt gluets...but pretty damn close to the actual ones)

when he arrived...there was no time fer small talk...
well cuz there's nothin' small about him

we were huff'n and a puff'n...not a care in the world...and trust me...
he was ready to blow my house down

as he assumed his fav-o-rit position...i put on my rain coat...
and the sweat started pour'n like a monsoon in may

seriously kittens...you'da swore it was a full moon...
cuz i could not shut him up!

everything was goin exhaustingly well...that is...until...
i punched into Charlie and the Chocolate factory

hey accidents happen...so instead of make'n him feel like crap (since i was now marinate'n in it) i sent him off to soak in some calgon's cool bouquet fer a minute or so and then it was right back where we started from

round 2 was goin perfect...UNTIL...that is...i was back at Charlie's
WTF?...i mean as hot as this guy is...i shouldn't have to be punch'n into this kinda work on my days off...just 7 1/2 minutes later (hey i was watch'n the clock...since my egg timer was broken)

so again....off fer quick birdie bath and we were all good

i was all set to pay my tab and get goin...but he begged...and i figered...
fine...yer my charitable act fer the week...and 3rd times usually a charm...
HA!...does NO go with WAY?

he finally put his sky rockets in flight...but there would be no afternoon delight fer me that afternoon...and fer once in my life...i didn't give it a second thought!

HEY...i'm a g*d damn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n
illusionist of my own universe...i shouldn't have to put up with this shit!
am i right?

by now i know yer think'n...what's Madonna have'ta do with all this?
follow along kitten...i'll get there...i 'm just report'n the events that unfolded that day...my way

besides...i'm tell'n the story!

*(hey non heterosexuals...glad ya could make it back)*

after rearrange'n my DNA with some jean nate' after bath body splash...
i hopped aboard the metro transit to the uptown area to pass out the flyers to "M"

1st stop...RAGSTOCK...where i was verbally molested
by some J-man freak with bug eyes!

i swear...i thought i just stepped off of the bus...and stepped into
it went somethin' like this...

J-man freak: "can i ask where are you from?"
me: "UR-ANUS...you?"

J-man freak "Anoka...what is that you have?"
me: "flyers...i'm host'n the OFFICIAL MDNA TOUR EVENT @ CAMP in St Paul"

J-man freak " what's that?"

me: "a bar in St Paul...it's to welcome Madonna back to MN after 25 years"
J-man freak: "i WILL NOT be going to that!. (slight pause)..would you like eternity with JEEZ-US?"

me: "OH MY CHER!...hell to the NO!"
(seriously kittens...i thought he had his finger on the trigger)

i handed him a flyer and left...and though i never looked back...
i'm pretty sure he spontaneously combusted!

f*ck!...that's one less at my party now...oh well

so whether yer a good freak or a bad freak about Madonna...
she seems to bring out the freak in everyone!

so get yer Madonna freak on and go...
or get off my dress!

















No comments:

Post a Comment