Monday, December 5, 2016

Santa's gotta clause

it's that time of the year once again kittens...where i selfishly think of make me look completely their expense of course...

i was read'n over the new rules and regulations that RED passed in the elf
senate recently and i'd like to start by say'n...i am not too happy about his damn "conditions and calculations" clause that states...and i quote

"if unforeseeable economical circumstances are foreseen and are not forecasted from the previous year...up to and including stock market crashes or wall street clashes...big bank bail-outs and political contributions from unknown contributors to block certain religiously political agendas...then the trustee...known as the speaker of the house...known as the delivery person to the world...may then make any and all contractual obligations herein null and void until said situations are deemed no longer a threat to the bottom line of profitability"

i mean...i'm sorry about all the reindeer layoffs...some of yer elves loose'n their lifesave'ns due to that recently stolen election...and those unfortunate incidents involve'n Coach Comet that put shame on yer entire institution
but i'm not play'n any of yer reindeer games bowl full of jello shots...though i will try and muster up some peace and good will to all those GOP fucktards who voted fer Lord Anus & Lucifer
up to and include'n all that other unattainable shit that goes along with all the tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la season'n...may i suggest somethin' to ya?
the hungry can starve...
the deplorables can suck it...
and the rest can go to hell!

this is MY blog and MY demands...i mean..."simple suggestions"...that i would like fulfilled as much as possible...or you can forget about Red ever pull'n yer sleigh again...cuz he'll be push'n up daisies instead...kapeesh!

here's a lil pic to prove i mean business!
now listen up!...this year i would like to forgo the embarrassment of open'n yet another regretfully wasted homemade or unthought-out present to me
as i am perfectly fine make'n myself look like an ass any time i choose!

do i need to remind you...that i have been a very good internationally unknown performing illusionist of my own universe this year…as you may or may not already know...and as a result…i have attached my top 10 list and would appreciate the follow’n gifts delivered to my doorstep no later than 7 am christmas morn’n…

the new ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK coffin table book
it's roughly the same cost as to fill up yer sleigh...and if yer feel'n extra generous...i'll take a signed copy...yer elves might have to turn a few extra tricks on the trampoline...but i'm so worth it...i swear to CHER!

and speak'n of to her "death becomes her" tour next year
or whatever she's call'n this one...yes i know you know i've seen like all 5 of her last farewell tours...but if you really knew know she's like just can never get enough...just one more hit and i'm done...don't make me go all ape shit on yer ass and have have to rip out one of yer kidneys to sell on the black market...
of course i gotta trot my A double snakes out to VEGAS to see her this time around cuz she couldn't be bothered to come back to the unless you got room in yer sleigh...i'm gonna need a flight there as well...but i won't push it!

Lord Orange Anus and Lucifer given a complimentally home's like a home perm without all that messy odor and clean up afterwards
i just feel since we're stuck with these 2 fucktwats fer the next 4 years...a make-over would make them seem less...oh can i put this delicately with the spirit of give'n in mind...ummm...fuck'n diabolically retarded!
maybe you can somehow conger up Ed Gein to help decorate the Oval Office fer them both come jan...just a mere suggestion if ya feel me *wink*wink*

though she never promised me a rose garden…i can't get Lynn Anderson
outta my mind...ever since i heard her unknown hit...well to most anyways..."i've been everywhere" in my pinto blow about barely hold'n together by scotch tape and a prayer operational wheely's just one of those songs that makes ya wanna follow her everywhere she's been...anyone up fer a road trip?

a dvd copy (not blu ray) of the those 2 boozy blasphemous british broads
just so i can complete my collection and put it in my will fer Peetrinella's last absolutely fabulous gift from me

Madonna's calendar for 2017...i've bought every one since 1985
shut's my my piggy bank could use a break for a change...say Red...while yer at it
how about send'n yer elves and Miss Claus out fer the nite and we cuddle up on the couch this fri dec 9th to see M's phenomenally eye orgasmic sold out "REBEL HEART TOUR" on Showtime...since the damn dvd won't be out til like sometime next year be transformed into Henry Cavill's underwear fer a day
since i'm save'n myself and choose'n celibacy this celebratory season

see...not only am i think'n mostly of myself this holidazzle season...but i am also think'n of how others would want me to see myself as well...if they
were me of course!

though anal beads and aromatheraputic candles seem like cool prezzies...
at the age i'm at now...ass wipe and air fresheners will do just peachy

so...that's i'm tell'n ya this only once...don't fuck this up fat ass!
kisses Kringle xoxo

love Krystal

oh ps...and if ya wouldn't mind pleez...get of my dress!

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