SPANK IT ON A BING BONG!

oh the 80's...what a decadent decade it was...fer many it was all about...

very high hair...

very high shoulders...

and a very high life!

BUTT...nonetheless

though MICHEAL JACKSON's 1982 hit "BEAT IT" may have been a very

titallate'n subliminal message catered towards all those active testosteroned teenrage'n hormone's...it was lost in translation to me (i just seriously wanted that fuck'n killer jacket)

fer me however...it was about my very high intolerance of catholic school confessionals and an equally...very high libido and try'n to find the best

 visual stimulation's fer my personal fornicational fantasies...the tintinnabulational bells rang out in my head like a sexually frustrated tabernacle choir durin' my tenderly supple teenrager years...cause'n much needed relief in my briefs when my parachute pants would get so "tight" they were ready to burst at the seams many many times durin' the day (thank you trapper keeper fer keep’n me covered) which without the proper train'n and use of spermicidal jams and jellies...gave a whole new mean'n to the word "carpet burns" (that is until i learned of the many mysteries of mayonnaise)

so let's take a look back at who was hot that made me trot...

in tonite's episode of masturbatory theater: 80's edition

the easiest go-to to get-off and get to count'n those sheep...was of course

the impeccably delectably original throat plunger of them all JEFF STRYKER with his cushion pillow lips and perfectly sculpted hips...Jeff earned himself a massive follow'n...follow'n his equally massive kickstand cock...Mr. Stryker made me hitchhike to heaven many a nite and worked much better on me than any ambien ever could on those cold lonely nites

though the king of rock and roll got everyone all shook up in the 50's...

he couldn't compare to the shake and baked bad ass of rock n roll in the 80's...with the flick of wrist and that insatiable sexy snarl...Mr. WILLIAM ALBERT MICHAEL BROAD had me "DANCING WITH MYSELF" "IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR" enough times to make a blind man see again

GREASE may have been the word in the late 1970's...

but all eyes were on the hottest "COOL RIDER" of them all at Rydell High in the 1980's...later starr'n in hit shows like "DYNASTY" and "THE COLBY'S" MAXWELL CAUFIELD is best remembered as putt'n the purrr back into perfection with those dreamy eyes and those meaty thighs as MICHAEL CARRINGTON in "GREASE 2" play'n the love starved aussie vy'n fer MICHELLE PHIEFFER's affection and added much needed relief to my dicktion affliction

apparently...it's a luxury down south to own all yer own teeth...

not an actual specific requirement...thankfully though...these 2 "GOOD OL' BOY'S" owned all their teeth and alot more...BO and LUKE DUKE were the hottest assets to come outta Hazzard County (though they weren't kiss'n cuz's) they definitely were double trouble and definitely doubled my fun on many occasions durin' bath time dream time...just make sure to check the hamper next to the tub fer any peep shows popp'n up

though Miss Ringwald might'a been sport'n the best bob on the planet...

everyone...and i mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E...with any mouth water'n pent up teenage angst...hopped aboard the exploration frustration train when MICHAEL SCHOEFFLING played sweet fresh faced cool cucumber...JAKE RYAN...desperately yearn'n to bob on his candle...in the back seat of his parents rolls royce...while tickle'n the dragon's tail...in this cumm'n of age classic "16 CANDLES"

of course...no fantasy island would be fulfilled with out a mustache ride...

from this private dick...not only did MAGNUM P.I. sport the coolest car while fight'n crime at the time...he also sported the perfectly groomed carpet that matched his broomed lip...however...the cherry on top of his career (that i secretly wanted to be on the bottom of) would have to be when he had condoms named after him (that i do own stock in!)

as the under cover lover and drummer to one of the biggest bands in the...

80's...CULTURE CLUB's JON MOSS had a tender but tumultuous relationship with lead singer BOY GEORGE durin' their time at the top...but Jon had that certain je ne sais quoi about him and with those incredible come fuck with me eyes...how could you not fall under his spell...when yer pants started to swell...JON was the grrrrrravey that mashed my potatoes when it came time to spank'n the monkey with the BIG BEN!

my saturday morn'ns were never quite the same again...

once the animated cult classic "HE-MAN" appeared on our cartoon line-up...with his perfectly chiseled chest and golden blonde page boy tresses...i waited in baited breath as he held aloft his "magic sword" and said "by the power of grey skull...i have the p-o-w-e-r"...HE made you feel like he would take care of anything and everything in yer prepubescent pity parade...include'n that pup tent you were sprout'n in yer pj's

before he was a reality tragedy on the defunked series "ARE YOU HOT?"

and his dreadful good cop gone bad cop by enforce'n the law on the law enforcement series "RENEGADE" that unfortunately ran fer 5 seasons...LORENZO LAMAS played lazy playboy grandson Lance Cumson (and trust me...i did!) on the CBS series "FALCON CREST" with his exhaustingly handsome Argentinian looks and perfectly lacquered locks...Lorenzo was the perfect nite time soap stud...to soap up to and shoot cupids arrow

he had more gold chains caress'n his neckline than king tut...

B.A. BARAKUS...better known to most as Mr. T from tv's dramedy "THE A-TEAM" was one of the all time hottest bad-ass crime fight'n pimps to ever grace the prime time hour...with his manicured mohawk and his perfectly perky pecs...he pitied the fool...who never played with his tool

well...that's it fer this trip down masturbation lane kittens...i'll leave you 

alone so you can start "TURN'N JAPANESE" on yer own

now if you wood...would you excuse me while i huff and puff and blow 

someone else's house down fer some pocket change...so puhleez kindly GET OFF MY DRESS!

THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt 2

hey kittens...have you ever gotten that not so fresh feel'n...like you were

bein' WATCHED? well get a ticket to the catch-up train by click'n here fer THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt 1 (cuz i ain't relive'n it all over again just fer you) before we leave the station to yer next destination...and now the excruciate'n conclusion to THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt. 2

i rummaged feverishly thru the tan Hermes briefcase look'n fer a contact

number to contact the hopeful owner of said bag with my one hand...while i waited fer the paint to dry on the other...HOWEVER...all i could find was the name "LARRY" printed in bold helvetica font on a blank antique egg shell colored business card along with a phone number

so i immediately contacted Beatrice down at the local phone company 

and had her patch me thru to this "LARRY" fella though first off of course all she wanted to go on to me about was her infected toilet parts before segway'n into how she felted cheated by the 3 bean salad at last sundays church social that her dear friend Marcella brought cuz all she could honestly taste were 2 distinct flavored beans apparently...nonetheless...after several more minutes dicuss'n the mass differences between her rheumatitis and my patience...she patched me thru...

unfortunately all i got was his voice mail so i left him a simple yet effective message with my number...along with my inseam size and coordinates to my multiple personalities and to call me back at his earliest convenience (as long as i'm not bein inconvenienced)

curiosity was sett'n in as i was sett'n my hair...who could this LARRY be?

would this be someone like 60's sex symbol major Nelson Riley from "I DREAM OF JEANIE" played by veteran character actor Larry Hagman? (who gave me major wood in reruns back in the 80's)

or could it be 1/3 of the comedic trio involve'n those bumblin' brothers from "THE THREE STOOGES" Larry Fine? (then i realized he died 20 years earlier after a quik google search)

i didn't really care to be honest...as long as it wasn't...

some colostomitic call-in host that resembled that bag of bones bein held together by his suspenders  and Ron Popeil spray paint fer the follically challenged...Larry King

BUTT anyways...

2 hours later as i was flipp'n thru my latest issue of INCHES magazine...

there would be a mysterious knock at my front door so i jumped gingerly off my crushed green velvet couch and opened the door to see who it was...and trust me when i say i was absolutely blown away...cuz the gentleman caller looked just like the spitt'n image stunt double to Mel Gibson...straight off the set of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

well...i don't have to tell you...i was a smitten kitten!

well...i immediately invited him inside from the rain fer a nite cap without 

realize'n it was only 2 in the afternoon...so of  course i was ready fer some delightful "conversation" cuz my sky rocket was already in flight...thankfully i managed to compose myself and asked him if he was here fer the briefcase

shake'n his head...in his loosely fit beige slacks...he threw me a devilish 

lil grin and with the raise of his sweaty left brow...i knew right away this was not gonna end in a simple handshake (nor did i want it to)

he had a bit of an agenda of his own that i would soon come to find out

he told me that he enjoyed watch'n me perform on stage fer the past month at the Gay 90's and then he would proceed to follow me a few times a nite as i waited patiently fer the metro transit #4 to take me home until i was dropped off 2 blocks from my shithole before he would devise his deviously devilish plan to get my attention...though i should'a been shocked as shit he told me all this...i have to admit...i was a bit turned on by my middle of the nite stalker

as he drew himself closer and closer into my own personal bubble...i felt

the restless natives down below dance'n in my danger zone...as his chest burst free from his blazer...i could smell the intoxicate'n blend of irish spring body soap and just a simple spicy spritz of Drakkar Noir putt'n me under his spell

i felt like a sacrificial kitten in my lamb skinned nighty (that was remarkably open) absolutely helpless to resist and really...why the fuck would i?

the dam was ready to burst on his britches as my newly acquired stalker

 was ready to deflower me so he asked me if i had ever had "daddy dick" as he slowly unzipped (he was old enough to be my parental guardian since i was 25 after all) his mammoth mouth water'n manwich flopped out (the first encounter i ever had with a legendary "throat plunger")

 i swear this king kong cock had it's own area code and landing strip...if he

had a twin brother i totally could'a learned how to do the double dutch finally...unfortunately i had awkwardly explained to him...

that my dad had passed away from leukemia when i was 9 and pedophelia wasn't really his thing (ps...total boner killer if you start talk'n about yer dead dad when there's a throbb'n prick present)

so he hadda quickly explain in his best deep throated JEFF STRYKER porn voice to me that he was only talk'n specifically about role play'n banter to which i had never been privy to yet in my litany of liaisons at the time (which were few and far between the sheets) so the next thing i knew...

sorry kittens...this is where yer unsalted altered unilateral imagination will be kick'n in 

(so cum to yer own dirty lil cockclusions)

in the end it turns out that the great pipe hype was just my type...and even 

though my dangerous liaison wasn't THAT dangerous after all (just a lil eepy cree) i met him 3 more times...in 3 more ways...albeit never in a 3way...should i have? well that's all u need to know i guess...

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

SAIL AWAAAY...TO SENILITY!

picture it kittens...the year is 1971 and a charismatically sinister leader 

Alex DeLarge films his promo ad fer some potential hook-up video date'n service great expectations who's interest included classical music...anti socialism and pillage'n pussy at his discretion fer the sensationally sadistic film "A CLOCKWORK ORANGE"

a batshit crazy CHARLES MANSON does some demented hokey pokey tap dance after receive'n a life sentence fer the murder of SHARON TATE and her friends without fire'n a single shot or slash'n a single throat

2 quaffed feather heads and 1 follicley challenged brother known simply as the BEE GEES were burn'n up the charts with their smash syrupy break-up ballad "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HEART"

and my 2nd brother not only steals my pampers…he also steals my spotlight 

oh "THOSE WERE THE DAYS"

i can remember my steroided other half who was 18 and a half years 

older than me that i dated fer 4 and a half years when i was 30 and a half (and yes that extra half always helps in the end especially when it comes to the end) HEMAN (or cock-suck'n mother-fuck'n pig-slutt'n whore as i used to affectionately call him on those bitter nites) would periodically tell me when he would be have'n a particularly roided rage day 

"wait til you get to be my age lil boy" to which i always replied "who fuck'n cares about yer age except YOU you cranky cocksucker cuz when i'm yer age yer STILL gonna be 18 and a half years older than me so shut the fuck up!" 

i've never had an issue with the thought of gett'n old...grow'n old or bein'

around those older than myself especially since no matter what i will always be the younger one anyways...it's just life...i myself like many others try to look the best at any age we've been give'n the chance to experience however i have absolutely zero desire to restart or reverse the age'n process since we're all just a carton of eggs with an expiration date

though some by a mate... 

and some by fate!

so recently as i was rearrange'n my dignity in my dilapidated dungaree's 

i received an urgent email in my in box that needed a skimm'n thru so i opened the message up to see what all the fuss was about and apparently i was bein' summoned to sail away to senile serenity and now was the time to book

listen here feline friends i'm finally at the age my X warned me all about

nonetheless i have ZERO fucks with that AT ALL nor do i have an issue with bein referred to as a senile senior especially by certain botoxed basturds who are roughly half my age that obviously can't deal with their own age since i'm over half a fuck'n century old with out a single prick to my puss but still apparently make'n the masses wonder how do i do it?

ummm my secret you may wonder? facials kittens and always spit...never swallow!  

BUTT however...

in case you needed a reminder to know you are regrettably forgettable

by advertisers who don't even bother to fact check their expiration dates on their own advertisements they send out…this was mine...however...don't worry kittens fer i've already set my egg timer

and am well prepared fer endless hours of "MURDER SHE WROTE" marathons without any irony…

while bein' served lime jell-o squares 3 times a day before bein hauled off to the glue factory…however

if you plan on dangle'n an expired promo in front of my face ever again future advertisers…it had better be at least about 9 1/2 throat plunge'n inches thick at the very least!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!