pick yer poison

i like many chosen single non heterosexuals...have a merried of  "drugs" to choose from...when we're choose'n a potential failure as a runn'n mate...

and by "drugs"...i mean options!

listen up kittens...i listened to Nancy in the 80's when she simply said...

"JUST SAY NO"

"if i wanna get high...i'll add another inch to my heels"...P-E-R-I-O-D!

so put that in yer crack pipe and smoke it...or better yet...learn to control yer destruction...so you can function at this junction

thee only drug i want any future failure to O.D. on...is ME!

the latest and most damage'n "drug"...to my cochlea's and my cornea's...

is this ol' bat in the peacock hat...if you missed...or just miss...Miss  Sarkisian 's tour...there's still a chance

but i digress...

in your 20's...you were judge...jury...executioner...defendant and plaintiff on how you looked and what you wore when you went out with yer gaggle of gays and the one token fag hag who felt like the luckiest bitch on the planet

the dollars bill's would flow like a whore with halitosis at any given bar on any given nite of the week...it was all about cover charges and cock!

i somehow inevitably would become some sorta surrogate therapist...

to some meals on wheels look'n fruit basket who happened to be environmentally delayed...just cuz he paid fer my drink!

eventually i would turn down my reason not to have another doctor...

 prescribe me a cure that would take 3 to 4 weeks to cure...and instead...i opted to rummage around for the leftovers at any bar close...fer someone close enough to the top of the food chain...OR

stroll fer a troll in the wee hours of the nite in the park fer a ride home...

and don't you whores start point'n fingers...i wasn't there alone

by the time i hit my 30's...i knew i was goin' to become a romantic wreck...

or deemed a tragedy in a tiara if i wasn't involved with a mate to date fer more than 24 hrs...and so the clown show began  

not once...not twice...and by the third time...i was no longer a laydee...but i did it anyways...just cuz i figered i needed to evolve beyond the bar stools and the bad morn'n after breath mints i picked up from the nite before...

plus...eat'n fer one is never really fun...and cuz i was too lazy to commit suicide!

well...20 years later...and into my late early 40's...i feel like i'm back in my early late 20's and look'n like my middle 30's...but with alot less hope...alot less hair and alot less tolerance fer find'n a potential failure in my own age box...don't take that the wrong way though...i've learned to accept my new role...without all those unsightly stretch marks...or awkward family reunions

i'm just not that desperate to settle fer sangria and sausage links for breakfast anymore

being hit with the on goin recession to our non existent piggy bank...

it's made a HUGE impact on the way we 40+ single non heterosexuals go about conduct'n our "free time"

no one can afford the $10 covers...or feel that we should have to anymore

nor do we want to be bothered by some anal antiseptic past his ambercrombie due date with a $200 8-ball...who refuses to give up their crown as disco queen...show'n off their personally trained abs...under an over priced GUCCI tank to a bunch of twinks and tweekers

and for the most part...the only choices out there are between meth heads or manic depressants who've replaced their overhead lamps with dollar store tea candles in hopes you don't notice that they had to cancel their...

gym membership...cuz they're still try'n to pull off their tailored look that they wore 20 years ago...only now...they look like a bloated blood sausage ready to burst at the seams at any moment

and yer lucky if you will ever get to meet the photo-chopped fucker...

on the other end of the informational highway anyways...cuz the botox bar has been raised so high

that when ya finally do...they're usually try'n to recreate the image they sent ya by pose'n like some sorta age defy'n egyptian hieroglyphic anyways...

at least in person...you have a chance to start a conversation....online...it's just delete...delete...delete!

and speak'n of my own experiences...it's no surprise that viagra sales are soar'n thru the roof when all the things that make a date with a new mo' interest'n these days are reduced to a simple formula of boredom n regret

and ps...btw...they ought to be personally erect'n a life size crucifix with my name on it...cuz 20 years ago...i was one of thee original governmental test bunnies who got that pill approved fer their erectcreational pleasures

so they to could be energized til the wee hours of the morn'n

well...not too long ago a while back...i received an email from some online porker with an ax to grind with me...who i never had met...that i can recall...

from 10 years ago apparently...i thought...oh...what perfect time'n!

lett'n me know that i looked like (and this is a direct quote) "a moron wear'n your shades" thru the downtown mousetrap systems on my daily breaks...

cuz non verbal communicative passive aggressive behavior is so much more effective and an easier form of communication to understand these days (and annoyingly acceptable i might add) with almost everyone...than actually have'n to say face to face "ummm...wanna fuck?"

don't EVEN get me started on unreturnable texts in a timely manner

and you know it's sad...when some green mile look'n change collector...

scouts you out in the skyway on yer afternoon break look'n fer enough coinage to get him and his 3 made up kids back to some made up home far far away...but cuz it happens on a daily basis from a merried of other story tellers...yer just conditioned to ignore his request...only to be belittled and berated as you keep walk'n by...but fer once it almost makes you wanna run to the closest atm as he caps off his exchange  with "oooiiie...fer a white boy that's some fine ass...i'll tap that any day!"...it's like the biggest compliment i'll remember fer as long as i can

basically...it breaks down like this...

online meet-n-greets are like stars from the 2nd cast of Designing Women

no matter how funny Jan Hooks and Julia Duffy were...they would never be able to live up to the originals...

cuz they were no Delta Burke or Jean Smart

                                         

meet'n face to face is much better than try'n to read a wreck wait'n to happen!

i may have unwillingly surrendered to the online hook up these days...

but i refuse...let me repeat that fer the kittens in the back...REFUSE to surrender my heels...so get over it already!

so it looks like i will need a new kinda "drug"...since my preferred method...

apparently is...get this..."ILLEGAL"...plus it gets a bit spendy and is too much trouble try'n to guess the ratio to body frame 

it's human nature...we all possess that undeniable animal instinct...

if you want it...just ask...i just might...if not...don't worry abod' it...but puhleez...get off my dress!

once upon a nightmare...

remember those beloved disney movies you seen as a small child...

that you got hooked on watch'n like they were heroin fer yer cornea's...annoy'n yer parents by demand'n to watch them over and over on a damn loop...like yer some sorta pre pubescent rain man/woman...whether you were non homosexual or part of the LGBTQAXYZPDQ crowd...pout'n like a lil asshole til ya got yer way...only to find out as a grown up...disney saccrinated fucked up the original version of the fairytales...with floral arrangements and talk'n animals

ever since Walt had his head encased in with a 12 pack cryogenics...

everyone in hollyweird has been shredd'n his wonderful world of disney...by bein a dick one flick at a time and rework'n all his work

with blockbusters like Maleficent and Snow White and the Huntsman...

show'n us that fairytale's are really scary as shit...and the reason why yer lil asshole child is choke'n on ritalin like it's candy all the time...and not the fluffy bullshit versions Walt tried to shove down our throats like a cheap hooker fer all those years...

so i decided to put on my Angela Lansbury cap and do a lil snoop'n around

well after whack'n off to GRINDR files hack'n into the Disney files one even'n...i discovered an arsenal of carnage and misconduct fer the final end'ns to the beloved disney heroins that Walt never wanted the world to know about...but will soon be made into motion pictures

remember sweet sweet Alice with her golden locks in her sunday best...

try'n to follow a rabbit thru the bushes until she tripped and fell down that rabbit hole...into a crazy and wonderful world of a dissappear'n cat...tobacco toke'n caterpillar...and a queen with an attitude among many other characters

well the story that was never really told was that sweet sweet Alice....

years later...ended up on her own lil self inflicted trip and was a lie'n lil bitch...turn'n into a sweet sweet narcotics dealer who specialized in special K...Tina...shrooms and whatever looked pretty to school children...promise'n them the best school trip of their lives...until late one nite...when Alice was try'na cross back into the US one even'n with a fresh supply...she was set up by an under cover narcotics cop at a motel 6 and was busted with a bag of acid laced goofballs...now she's doin 15 years in a mexican cell

then there's that tale about a young innocent girl wrapped in a red cloak...

who would deliver baked goods to her precious but very incontinent and incapacitated grand mama across town on a weekly basis...Little Red Riding Hood would spend all morn'n bake'n grannies fav-o-rit bran muffins with flax seed to help with her constipation and hand deliver them herself...take'n a short cut thru the dark forest without a care in the world and helped clean around the house...then would receive a shiny shillin' from nana's change purse fer a long hard days work..

but after years of take'n care of her incontinently crappy crypt keeper...

Red finally cracked and coped an attitude on her 16th birthday one afternoon...cuz her parents wouldn't let her go to Mozart's concert until she did her weekly pilgrimage to the now haggard battle ax's shit box...so as she stomped thru the woods and made it to the old bitch's house...she entered the bedroom only to be greeted by the big bad wolf in grannie's lil house on the prairie gown after he shoved her in the closet and had had enough of bein' forced to bake any more shitty muffins or empty out another bed pan...only to deal with some heavy breath'n tranny whore master and went ape shit...ran out to the wood shed...only to return with an ax and split the hairy fucker right between the eyes...

after help'n her frail grama back into bed...the ol hag showed no ounce of gratitude fer save'n her pathetic crotchety life but instead insisted as to where her muffins were...so Red pulled the ax right outta the dead wolfs head and buried into nana's skull...but 3 weeks later she would be caught by the National Forrest police and is now on death row with no possibility of parole

one of my most treasured stories was the one about...

the raven haired beauty with the alabaster skin...that would roam thru the forest pick'n out floral arrangements to mask the putrid smells of 7 destitute but hard work'n keebler elves she was bunk'n with...sing'n to the lil blue birds dance'n around her that would never shut the fuck up...while bake'n scrumptious blueberry pies and wash'n up their shit shorts

well...we all know about the evil wicked witch...jealous of her beauty...

but what we were never told was why the reason why the wicked ol' hag gave snow white the poisoned apple in the 1st place...Miss White was secretly the madam of the house...which originally belonged to the ol witch who defaulted on her loan...and Snow White bought the house from the bank fer half it's worth...she ended up meet'n the 7 lil illegal rag muffins at the Hurry Back Inn bar down the road one even'n while lap dance'n on Dopey...she stole their green cards and then whored out the poor innocent on-lickers to  wealthy business men in the neighbor'n forest...to help pay the mortgage on the house so she never had to clean another fuck'n house in her life...so really the witch wasn't evil at all...she was just give'n the cunt a lil taste of her own karma...so when Snow fell into a deep narcoleptic sleep from bite'n into the apple...she would stay asleep until the phony skank was awakened from a kiss by the forest ranger dressed in a prince costume...where she was take'n away in cuffs to the slammer and charged with runn'n an illegal brothel

and before we go...there's that one story about that mischievous pre-teen...

who...after bein told by her mother to go outside and enjoy the fresh country air...wandered around fer hours in the forest until she came across an open house and the smell of sweet honey laced porridge linger'n in the air...pricked her senses and summoned her into the house of the 3 bears...when after the family returned... discovered their lunch lunch had been tasted...the baby's chair was broke...then found her nestled in baby bears bed...Goldie awoke...scream'n bloody murder...begg'n fer her life not to be eat'n...jumped outta bed and ran all the way home never to return to the house again

turns out though Miss Locks never learnt her lesson all those years ago...

and as a teenager hang'n with the wrong crowd...returned to her life of crime...start'n off by break'n into the homes in Little Red Ride'n 'hood...then slither'n thru the Sherwood Forrest at midnite into Robin's hood...paddle'n down stream back to where it all began... tip toe'n thru the slide'n glass door of the 3 bears home...which was now down to 2 bears since ma bear awoke from her hibernation state earlier than usual and had a massive heart attack see'n Goldie gett'n it on with daddy bear in the shower...baby bear huddled beneath his bed and quickly summoned the police via text that there was an intruder in the house and her mama was unresponsive when he called out her name...3 days later the popo arrived but all they could do was charge Goldie with break'n an enter'n...and not break'n the poor dead mother's heart...twice!

so there ya have it kittens...i think i've completely lost my mittens...

yer fav-o-rit fairy tales...told exactly how it really happened by yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...see not all not all fairytales have a happen'n end'n do they kittens?...if they did...i wouldn't be write'n this shit fer free on a weekly basis fer you to read all these years

thee end...now get off my dress!

dressed to kill

so you may think how much wood would a wood chuck chuck?...

well... i'd just say yer a fuck'n idiot try'na figer out some stupid trailer park haiku...

i'm more interested in how much wood...would a Chuck have?

so while a portion of the city was pull'n out their portions of some canker sored casserole the other nite

i decided to donate my hard earned red light benjamins...

to the arts and entertainment industry one even'n and went with 2 of my fav-o-rit stalkers alcoholics friends ya love like a cold sore...to check out this relic of resistance...the one and only CHER...in the Minne-Apple

(you instant oatmeal generation freaks of Cher Lloyd's fame should be ashamed...i mean seriously...very very ashamed...cuz all she's done is attached herself to a name that has been around as long as the dinosaur days of pop entertainment...and she can't hold a candle...let alone a note...to the great and powerful CHER) 

just another case of an incredible ICON...bein' duplicated by a cheap imitation with some talent

so as i was say'n...there i was with my entourage enjoy'n a quick alcoholic free cocktail before the show...cuz of the self imposed sugar and liquor sanctions i placed on myself fer a month...but with only a few days in...i could barely tolerate myself...let alone some Ogilvied fucktard with an over active glandular system...tell'n me to either unhook my wallet chain and stick it in my pocket or take it back to my car before i entered the arena area...

you know...just cuz ya got a black shirt with "security" embossed over yer left breast...does not make you queen of the ass kickers...listen here kitten...i'm on the verge of an apple-tini breakdown...and i'm seconds away from pull'n out my can of aqua net and turn my lighter on high and have'n roasted trailer trash fer dinner...so you better think twice who yer talk'n to!

poor thing had a nervous breakdown...thank CHER the paramedics were near by

inside...i found my seat and waited anxiously fer this spectacle to begin...

but wouldn't ya know it...it's just my luck...i'd be stuck next to some ornery Weeza Boudreauz chatterbox doin the sugar shuffle or piddle dance (they're so close in there movements)...who won free tickets at the church bizarre and had an opinion about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g...from the current state of Mediscare to how prices fer shows ain't like they used to be in the good ol' days...yea and apparently...neither is the use of proper hygiene...but i wasn't gonna let this halitosis heat stroker define the even'n

so we chatted about how we loved the unstoppable force known as CHER...

and i accidentally on purpose spilled out how i was the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe and how i am read on every continent across this universe on my weekly blog...and i will read her in a minute...except i don't read...i am read to...so she asked me in her best geriatric gesture if she could review the show on my blog so she too could feel just as unimportant as me across the world

ok fine...take it away Weeza...(ummm...ps...CHER...when you read this...and i know you will...i had ALMOST nothing to do with this review...i swear!)

hey out there...can you see me?

(just give yer damn review before i punch you in the neck...ya damn depends demon)

ok lemme see..oh so let's start at the top with the open'n act...

i heard of bein' late fer yer own funeral...but MRS. LAUPER was late fer her own damn show...runn'n thru the crowd like she was Rocky Balboa...fergett'n she's suppose to be runn'n out from behind the stage...

but i heard she was gett'n a sugar free red-bull at CVS down the street and got hassled by a "homeless" man fer some bus change on her way back...

honey yer a damn star...you don't need to put up with that bullshit!

but i gotta say...she was so engage'n to the audience..and sang her lil song bird heart out from the start all the way to the end...and the fact that she did "GOONIES R GOOD ENOUGH"...left me puzzled...well cuz i didn't know what the hell a GOONIE was...but what the hell do i know...i can't tell the difference between my  preparation H and my poly grip half the time

i was glad she ended after about 45 minutes...cuz i needed to piddle bad!

and about 30 minutes later...the curtains were pulled down...

and there she was...Miss Sarkisian...appear'n on some 50 foot pillar plastered in gold leaf paint (probably leftovers from the Sonny and Cher set...which means full of lead) look'n like some amazonian peacock queen...dripp'n in glitterness...belt'n it out to "WOMAN'S WORLD"...followed by a couple others that i didn't really care to remember

then she decided to bore the crowd with a mini movie of her come'n outta some coffin..as if she'll be around fer 1000 of years past our expiration date

and was slowly hoisted up from under the stage as some Vampiress chotchiek on a chintzy chandelier dripp'n in blood red jewels..bein' molested by these devil worshipp'n voodoo dancers...sing'n an homage to herself in "DRESSED TO KILL"...apparently she had a bowl of narcissism flakes before the show

minutes later after her dancers were done girate'n around the stage...

like a bunch of love starved slaves have'n a seizure...she put us to sleep with her trip down memory lane video...while she jumped outta her delorean she had back stage i'm guess'n...cuz the stage was transformed into this eye popp'n vertigo acid trip from the good ol days when music was music...look'n like some shimmery blood clot wrapped in ostrich feathers...doin her tribute to her days with Sonny on  "THE BEAT GOES ON"

but when she sung her dueted with Sonny on "I GOT YOU BABE"...you'da swore you were in some sorta celestial time warp...and Sonny never left the build'n...i thought i almost was gonna drop a tear...then i realized my cataracts were just act'n up

shortly there after...the light went completely black...so of course i panicked cuz i thought i finally went blind and Mr. Reaper was come'n to get me...but minutes later up came the lights...and the stage was transformed into some cirque de soleil...but if yer ask'n me...looked more like this circus is so gay...apparently we were now in the early 20th century carnival of her career...complete with a bearded lady...strong man...and a very tall man...

doin a medley of her gems from the 70's...twirl'n around like some teenage jezebel in her bed skirt to "GYPSIES TRAMPS AND THIEVES" 

to mere seconds later slipp'n thru some magical door...and emerge'n wrapped in some blood sausage case'n in a politically uncorrect "HALF BREED" kitty cover...surrounded by bright ojibwe ticklers...just to piss off the politically demented sexless correctors

soon enough she would basically bathe herself in yet another bloated video gloat'n about her dismal movie career and winn'n that damn Oscar just fer slapp'n Nicky Cage...while she was backstage give'n herself a B12 shot...

in the ass cuz her narcolepsy was kick'n in...then surfaced in a pair of hysterectomy shorts and penguin coat...titillate'n the audience with risque dancers dressed in barely enough to keep a tit mouse dry in a drizzle...on her latest failed relationship with the silver screen on "WELCOME TO BURLESQUE"...and then finish'n it off with her whiny hit "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME"

well...while she decided to grab a tictac and chug down a case of dr. pepper in her dress'n room...we were treated to yet another couple of male dancers chiseled outta granite...in a very non heterosexual performance...float'n thru the air like a pair of slither'n succubus's...but trust me...i just scrolled thru my online color'n book bible verses...king james edition of course...(secretly thought ladies...HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE...PRAISE THE LORD!)

by now...my 2nd metamucil martini was kick'n into over drive...

but i wasn't about to leave after see'n this gigantic under-stated over-sized trogan horse bein' pulled out to center stage...and as a dancer rips open the horse's chest...out pops this blonde eye sore dressed in an armor of gold as if she made it thru the wilderness...belt'n it out to her latest fizzle "TAKE IT LIKE A MAN"

an hour into the show...the poor thing was about ready to pass out...

from all the hoopla...so she slipped into some comfy slimm'n one piece jumper from Lame Bryant and slipped into yet another lame story about how...at the tender and supple age of 16...went to see Elvis live with her mom and danced in her chair like all the rest of the other menstrual cramps...and sung "WALK'N IN MEMPHIS"..and practically begged the audience to disagree with her when she said she never really liked sing'n that flop "JUST LIKE JESSE JAMES"

up next was more dance breaks with flashiness that's best reserved fer those movie theaters with "back rooms" if ya catch my drift...i was about ready to loose my turnip and radish casserole i had before the show

then nothing says she's lost her will to survive another nite alone...

by parade'n out in that damn dental floss getup from her glory days when she could bounce quarters and bagel boys off her A double snakes...while croon'n the crowd with "IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME"...listen here lady...the geriatrix fer g-string tour is never gonna happen...so give it up!

i will confess though...she wasn't a complete mess...

when she decided to redo her resurrection song..."BELIEVE"

which i thought was about time some pop star wrote a decent danceable hit fer our CASPER "SAVIOR" up above...molested in ropes of swarkovski crystals with a glitter'n heart just barely obscure'n her left dirty pillow light..and surrounded by glow in the dark dancers...flipp'n around to those jungle beats...i thought...FINALLY...this ol' mule knows how to end a show properly

but then she hadda fuck it all up..act'n like she's ALL that...

by float'n high above the crowd...thru the entire arena...like this bitch was Glinda the good witch...to her latest dismal drippage "I HOPE YOU FIND IT"

all in all...this ol' broad's show was just eh!...i'da rather won the macrame muumuu that nite instead...but seriously kittens...i think she's lost her mittens!...jesus mary kate and ashley simpson on a cross...lady...cash in yer stock...over charge yer AARP card and call it a nite already would ya?...cuz yer make'n the rest of us raisin ranchers model'n incontinence slacks look like damn fools!

well i guess that's all i gotta say to you folks...

 i wanna thank this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe fer lett'n me take over this week...time to head home and have a bottle of misery to ease my ache'n corns

ps...hey kittens...i just wanted to add...her obviously overly medicated opinions do not reflect my experience...the show FUCK'N ROCKED!

how many of these bitches will we even remember in about 20 years time?

if ya haven't seen it...yer miss'n the CHEREST FAIREST FAREWELL

(wink*wink) of them ALL!!!...she's extended her tour with MISS BENATAR

 so fer those want'n to see this AMAZE'N SHOW LIVE fer the 1st time or just be a fanatical stalker and see it again...take out a 2nd mortgage...sell yer kidney...or perhaps a small child (especially those lil white ones...they'll make you bank to pay fer you and all yer friends)  but get yer tickets here today and GO TO THE DAMN SHOW!

and get off my dress!