gobble gobble gratitude

it's that time of the year again to help propagate the propaganda...

that we should give thanx to John Smith fer winn'n fair and square cheat'n at that game of "top or bottom" with Tonto and his peeps many many harvests ago...cuz we all know this is just the catalyst that helped propagate the propaganda from corporations...turn'n regularly insensitive assholes into aggressive zombies jacked up on LSD...

savagely hunt'n fer the latest and greatest piece of over priced electronical "must have" crap we can't live without fer 24 hrs...

all hand crafted...pennies on the dollar...by the skillful hands of Herminio and his classmates...

all packaged up in an unbelievable fantasy that comes 4 weeks later about some jolly burglar that'll come down yer chimney at least once a year...but that's...another story!

it made me reflect on what is it that i'm really thankful fer...

fer most of my life...i have mainly been influenced by female and female persuasions...and though immediate family should be apparently has to be recognized just to save face when it comes time to make sure yer part of the read'n of the will...there has been many more influences that have molded me to be who i am today 

one of my biggest influences of acceptance was when my grama Viola...who recognized i was bitten by the 80's gender bender bug when i was live'n with her in my late early teen years...and she tore down her brown polyester curtains in her live'n room to stitch me my very fer taste of the spotlight

of course...let me begin by recognize'n how eternally grateful & thankful that i am fer bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am fer all of you kittens that have followed my ramblin's fer the past 9.5 years...cuz without you...well...i'd be just a whore in heels without wheels

my aunt and god mother Ellen who taught me to stand up fer myself and take no shit from anyone and that age is just a number when it comes to have'n fun also fer support'n me by attend'n most of my performances thru out the years

but goin waaay back where it all began...i could not and most likely would not...be who i am today if it wasn't fer the enormous generosity of the HALL family (especially the matriarch Laura) who took me in durin' the roughest patch in my life and guide'n me in the right direction in the late 80's...when i was but a lost kitten without a scratch'n post or a pot to piss in...litterally

to my very 1st employer that hired me at the tender and supple age of 15 who tought me the art of stalk'n...when she paid me $2 an hour to report on who came in and outta of her BF's fucktard's cabin that she helped build along lake boulevard in Winona in the 80's...even though i couldn't work more than an hour a nite...it taught me the valuable lesson to never like someone that much

of course i'm beyond grateful fer my very dear dear incredibly infectious friend Peetrinella fer encourage'n me to go under that pink gelled spotlight and push'n me to become the unintentionally internationally unknown performer of my own universe that i am today (and not just cuz she knows exactly what to get me every year fer the past 30 years on my b'day and xmas...*wink*wink*)

 and anyone that really really really knows me...knows that i am eternally thankful and WORSHIP the quicksand the QUEEN walks on (even if i was not the "chosen" au pair fer her brood brothel)

BUTT...we mus'nt ferget!

those that saved the world this year by fry'n up a HUGE BITCH SLAP 

to the establishment!

start'n with thee lovably redheaded & incredible wittiness all the way from 

the D-List...MISS KATHY GRIFFIN...who was mercilessly tortured verbally by deplorable sycophants and left in a financially funk fer roughly 2 years unable to find work in her own country cuz the current corrupt administration was try'na silence her 1st amendment right...by use'n the powers of the WH to bring her to her knees... 

over ketchup and a rubber mask!

thankfully though...she rose up like a phoenix from the feckless fake flames after collect'n her thoughts and slayed the mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of Cheeto dusted pig shit and his henchmen by give'n the sold out audiences around the globe the 1st hand accounts of what she had endured and to make sure it NEVER happens to ANYONE else and captured it all from her poignantly and personal accounts in thee sleeper smash hit of the year "A HELL OF A STORY"...if you haven't yet...put this on yer "MUST SEE" holiglazed view'n pleasure this season fer the entire family!

3 long and arduous years of back and forth banter of he said she said...

the 1st political high heeled powerhouse and astute speaker of the house NANCY PELOSI...finally stared down the barrel of a loaded "gun" put on our democracy and started the impeachment process against the mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of Cheeto dusted pig shit currently disgrace'n the oval office

oh to be a fly on the wall the day she fried up a bitch slap to the mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of Cheeto dusted pig shit and made him marinate in his shit shorts... 

with the holiglazed season upon us...NANCY assures the people that she's still bake'n her impeachment pie..and still has a few more hidden ingredients to add before the pie is baked

and lastly...but definitely not least...is this lil loud mouthed lassy from the  

shores of Sweden...GRETA THUNBERG became thee most globally famous teenage angst with a mission...bein' nominated fer a Noble Peace Prize...among the many other numerous awards she has accrued fer her fight against the environmental crisis at the tender age of her sweet 16th

it all stemmed from GRETA strike'n durin' her 9th grade school year in regards to the heat waves and fires that hadn't been seen in 262 years in her hometown of Stockholm and demand'n that the Swedish government reduce carbon emissions in accordance to the Paris Agreement 

GRETA spent 15 days at sea from the UK to the US in her 60 racing yacht equipped with solar panels and underwater turbines...eliminate'n her carbon footprint on the planet...cause'n "the GRETA effect" amongst her peers around the planet

so SPEAK UP and SPEAK OFTEN...and NEVER let yer voice be muffled!

and GET OFF MY DRESS!

conception deception

many kittens thru-out this wondrous planet marvel at the miracle of birth

to this very day fer some strange reason...from the salacious act of fornication (fer a handful out there) that if they're lucky enough...hope that he's able to blast his proton torpedo's on the 1st try to blow yer box apart so you can collect an easy kings ransom years later once you've grown tired and weary of all those PTA meet'ns and after school specials...that you weren't especially fond of to begin with

though...thanx to science...turkey basters everywhere are finally sing'n

hallelujah from the top of their squeeze box cuz they're bein' used like a proper hooker on holiday and no longer have to suffocate in the trash compactor kitchen drawer of useless utensils

if yer lucky enough months later...yer egg timer goes off as planned and 

it's time fer you to rejoice once you've expelled the breath'n blood suck'n mongrel from between yer thighs...followed by a flood of gifts and congrats from family and friends around fer at least the 1st 5 years...as you look down at what you miraculously created...only to wonder what they'll make of their life head...like fer instance...

who knew that this jolly jovial bundle of irish joy with the baby blues...

plucked from a litter of 5...born in Kent, England

would become thee biggest and most celebrated king of queens...the unmistakabley multi talented gender bend'n sing'n songwriter on the planet...who's sold more than 100 million singles and still spinn'n out the hits on his latest collaboration with Pete Tong...give'n a nod to the hedonistic days of Studio 54 with "SYMPHONY OF YOU"

or that this lil lassy with the thick brown italian locks and lashes fer miles...

from a flock of 7 sibs...born in the town of Bay City, MI 

would become the reinvented blonde bombshell chanteuse QUEEN of the dance floor...circle'n the globe with decades of hit after hit under her belt...sell'n more than 335 million records and no intention on become'n dethroned any time soon...with her latest smash hit tour "MADAME X" circle'n the globe in support of her latest collection of hits under the same name

how precious and precocious with perfectly perfected arched eyebrows

 at such an early age...with untold mischievous dreams dance'n around in their head...just try'na adjust the dimly lit spotlight away from the other 7 rugrats runn'n around on the farm in Winona, MN

to become the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe that you've ALL come to grow unattached to fer the past almost 25 years (9.5 of them read'n this blog)

unfortunately though...we all can't all be blessed with our lil bundle of joys

can we?...cuz no matter how much attention you may give yer money hungry mongrel (or plural)...from restless nites to rehearsals...

some of those lil fuckers would've been better off skewered at the end of a knitt'n needle...

if you'd only just spent the damn $2.99 fer the 1st minute and listened to the professionals...you could've saved yerself...and the world...from untold misery

sure...they might come out look'n all cherub like...make'n you the happiest

 parent on the face of the earth...laugh'n fer hours on end...dress'n em up in the cutest outfits while they throw a fit...with endless trips over the river and thru the tick infested woods to grannies house...that is until you force them to clean their room as a teenager fer their insolence behavior

and once they grow up...they decide to clean the country instead!

you hope that yer spawn will become somethin' successful in life right?

like perhaps a delightfully dedicated doctor or maybe some great charismatic chef work'n in world renowned restaurants around the planet...and though they may start show'n interests as a small but unimportant child in both fields of yer interest...

sometimes it's best to not force yer child into somethin' they had no interest in to begin with cuz it may not turn out as what you had initially envisioned

and even though you can't help but spend hours gett'n lost in their eyes

as they wake every morn'n...as you do yer best to teach them the fundamental tools that they'll need to help them grow into a respectable humane human...from honesty and compassion fer their fellow man...to how to keep their head and their piggy bank afloat at all times no matter what the means...by underhandedly change'n the rules to games like monopoly and life in order to win no matter what the cost is

sometimes though...it's best when suggestions of abortion are give'n as a means to an unfortunate situation...are carried out immediately!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

Literally Literal Litter

i'm not much of a reader...i'm really not...well...unless you try and cross me

then you best believe...i will read you to filth fer years to come...until you can't anymore!...no...what i speakith of is much more along the lines of actual literary pages of wisdom and connect-the-dots stories from dick to some snore'n Jane Doe series that i just have absolutely zero time to invest into bein' bothered with...

i much prefer the gloriously outspoken immortal words of one Ouisser Bourdeaux "i don't read books...cuz if they're any good...they're gonna make 'em into a mini-series"

unless of course it's my multi-functional...purposefully unsubstantiated...educationally depraved stories of intrigue and made-upness (in a complete humorlessly humor-filled fashion) fer the truly uneducated mundane "gifted" reader out there cruise'n along the informational highway on their much needed colonic break in the lil wrangler's room...after OD'n on those free shitty shrimp tacos at the company meet'n...much like the one read'n this very blog right now

BUTT...literally

if yer really rack'n yer brain fer some literary words of wisdom without rack'n yer brain goin on a search and destroy mission at yer local book store or risk'n gett'n carpal tunnel from endless hours on line...perhaps you might wanna check out one of these top 10 classics i found peruse'n the stalls...i mean the halls (no i don't) of my locally over grown dust bin of

books at the neighborhood library...that will hopefully someday make it to the cutt'n room floor...i hope...are you listen'n up Mr. Waters?

first up...is the total inspiration fer 1987 hit "Witches of Eastwick"...

this camp classic tells the tale of 3 fraternity brothers Alex...John and Dickie...on the varsity cheerlead'n squad...who come together one sunday afternoon after find'n their coach with a camcorder in one hand and his "magical" broom in the other...while clean'n out the closet in their not so spacious dorm room...the tension builds to a climactic end'n that's sure to keep audiences "come'n" back fer more

starr'n Colin Farrell as age'n dorm pimp Alex Sus...Prince Harry as the hard party'n ginger John Wannembach...Cam Gigandet as sweet talk'n hustler Dickie... 

and Leslie Jordan as discretely closeted foul mouthed whip crack'n Coach "Poppa Cherry" Donovan 

if that's too much fer yer eyes...perhaps you'll enjoy...

this ol' story is about as tired and worn out as Melanie Trumps "kittytastrophy"...it tells the tale about a non heterosexual boy move'n up from a busy farm life to the big city lights in hopes of a lavish lifestyle...last'n love...and lots of money...but ends up broke...bitter from bad plastic surgery and busted...by the cops...before his golden showers birthday

starr'n Rupert Everett in his very own lifetime movie...about himself...cuz no one else wanted to be bothered

one of the jewels i found...under a set of family jewels one nite...the story of 

Izzey Biggs and Camen Sidem...2 team mates on the field...and shame mates in the showers...learn'n the hard way...they're gonna have to take alot more than just "one" fer the team...

starr'n Adam Lambert as the bashful Izzy Myne and Adam Levine as loud mouth Camen Insydum...lock'n lips and bang'n hips...in their 1st musical together...but definitely not their last

musical score by BOY GEORGE...why not!

fer those catholic castaways out there...i know you'll just simply love...

set in a small but important Yugoslavian city...Aleksandar and Nicolette Vikashev hire russian asylum seeker Tali from Tobolsk as their live in houseboy to help around the house...

one even'n when Nicolette scampers on down to the local black smith to get her hooves polished...Aleksandar beckons Tali from his bedroom...who's soak'n in his tighty whiteys with a half bottle of raspberry Stoli in his grip...challenges Tali to a game of  mister twister...with bubbles and booze flow'n everywhere...the game heats up...but it's Aleksandar who gets burned when Nicolette comes home early and douses him in kerosene

starr'n Vladimir Putin as heterosexually challenged Aleksandar...Bridgette Nielsen as the amazonian wife Nicolette with a taste fer revenge...and the black smith down the road

and Tom Daley as the not so innocent wet-n-wild Tali

haven't quite titillated yer senses yet?...then how about with saucy one...

well DUH! this tells the tale of a  middle aged Yugoslavian wife tangled in a web of seduction and revenge...gett'n even was the only thing on her mind when she said "I DO"..."til death do us part" couldn't come soon enough fer her 7th husband and the town's black smith

starr'n Bridgette Nielsen as the scorned web weave'n grave digg'n amazonian wife Nicolette...look'n to fill her bank account faster than she can fill her burial account...Vladimir Putin as the politically closeted tulip sniff'n financier and 7th husband Aleksandar...with a taste fer bubble baths...and bubble bottoms

and introduce'n Meredith Baxter Birney in her most rivet'n performance since Family Ties or any of her Lifetime movies combined...as the town's sun bath'n black smith beauty...Svetlana

everything comes in a 3 way...so give yer cataracts a good work-out with...

the prequel to the sequel in this trilogy of terror and intrigue...and learn how it ALL began

starr'n Vladimir Putin as the discretely distinguished and single financier "DADDY"...and Johnny Weir as the speed skate'n town tramp "TULIP" 

fer those on the DL...want'n a lil interracial facial...may i suggest... 

this tale continues 30 years later and answers the age ol' question...what REALLY did happen to Augustus Gloop after he was sucked up into the tube after fall'n into that river of chocolate in Willy Wonka's factory...Augustus ends up in Harlem...meets the man called Razer Blade...who gives Augustus a job ride'n the rails at nite...take'n a one way ticket to brown town...night after nite...til he's walk'n like a bow-legged bull from Belize

starr'n our current mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit as the all too eager and will'n to go all nite long Augustus Gloop...and Snoop Dog as the pimp tote'n bad ass Razer Blade who cuts like a knife...if Augustus doesn't get the job done

oh wow...i almost fergot about my fav-o-rit nite time read...

it's VERY autobiographical...

starr'n ME as the very cold but cautiously calculated...unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe of course...enough said

find out what happens when you drop the soap...in the hysterical romp...

a true life docudrama about the life and times of peruvian street whore...Rolando Rosado...doin what he can to make ends meet...jump'n from bed rooms to broom closets until he's caught sniff'n around where he doesn't belong and ends up doin hard time behind bars...where life is anything BUTT a bed of roses

starr'n Nick Jonas as the down and out of his clothes faster than children runn'n from a burn'n build'n...Rolando...and John Travolta as the hot headed...crop rotation fer men...prison warden model and Jenny Craig drop-out...with a taste fer peruvian protein shakes...when these 2 meet in the showers...punishment...passion and pungent smells aren't the only thing fill'n the prison air

and last on my list of literary gems...is this master piece...

fresh off the farm...pretty boy Paul Puckerole gets a job in the big apple as a wall street gopher but ends up bite'n off more than he bargained for...when one night Paul gets tied up after the office christmas party...as a gaggle of floor traders decide to turn Paul into their personal pinata

starr'n homo hottie James Franco as the outsider with the inside everyone wants to get their hands on and the entire cast of the Minneapolis Gay Men's Chorus as the fetish fist'n NASDAQ traders
(oh puhleez...we know what happens at all those late nite"rehearsal" sessions)

well kittens...glad to help ya out with some terrific read'n fer all those long

and lusty nites...all alone...again...
NOW GET OFF MY DRESS!