what is a relationship?

who in the H-E double hockey stix says we need one to feel any worth these days? i wanna know who out there is make’n all us single ladies...
and not-so-gentle laydee's...feel shitty about ourselves all over again?

the agenda isn't beauty or ugliness…that’s…all your idea!

a mutual friend a reason not only that abortion should be legal...

but mandatory in some cases...was whine'n recently about how they were have'n a hard time bein' able to find their (insert vomit bucket here)
"soul mate"

history has proven that they never really work out...for example…

David…a simple israelite in a tunic and berkinstock sandals…aaaaand...

Goliath was about as str8 act’n and appear’n as a gigantic water buffalo

in manolo blahniks with a chip on her shoulders the size of Kanye West's ego

unable to confess his true love to David...cuz society deemed it to be...

"unnatural" and "immoral"...so Goliath made fun of David’s peeps...until one day David went all Lorena Bobbitt on his A double snakes...

and chopped of Goliath's head...or so we’re lead to believe 

the very foundation that showed the true mean'n of holy matrimony...

was rocked to it's core recently...when Mama June announced her split from Sugar Bear...

after catch'n Sugar Bear tea bagg'n his lucky charms on Captain Crunch...allegedly

though it may be just a typical rate'n ploy fer the brain dead sodomites...

that hang onto every word of her existence fer dear life...much like her elastic waste band...well kittens...it's left poor Mama knee deep in Georgian grief and practically put her in a creme puff coma

get this...if you tell someone your “widowed”...

they tell you to either pop a prozac like a normal person or simply…

kill yourself!

but if you tell someone you’re a "divorcee"…

well…that’s just tell’n em there’s a party in yer pants and there ain't no cover charge!

i myself have even dabbled in a relationship from time to time…

fer the right dime...my longest last'n almost 4 years…i remember it as if it were yesterday…

he used to affectionately refer to me as his "wonderboy"…

always wonder'n what deliciousness i'd have cooked up for us next

and i would in turn...affectionately refer to him as my...

heart-break'n-two-time'n-cock-suck'n-ass-fuck'n-pig-slut'n-trailer-trash-piece-of-geriatric shit who could run a boat show thru his a-hole...unfortunately...he's dance'n with the devil in the pale moon light these days...so suffice it to say...learn from yer mistakes and hold no grudge

if you truly feel that revenge really is alot better than christmas...

may i suggest a lot less invasive...but alot more persuasive approach...by simply give'n yer hairy bear...a deep full body massage based on swedish techniques (which means absolutely nothing i know)...from head to toe...with botanically infused creams to disguise the harsh chemicals...let them marinate in it beyond the recommended time frame...before dump'n their pathetic ass once you find out they strayed with some slut...it'll make them think twice once they get outta the shower...trust me

or perhaps fill'n out a year's subscription to multiple women's magazines to mess with their masculinity...but make sure to X out the "bill me later" option...so you have enough time to change area codes

go ahead...be creative and committed when end'n yer commitment though...but and try not to pull a Farrah...if you can help it...it doesn't really look good on yer relationship resume

i've done my fair share of the "scary"…the "mary"…and the delusionally "str8 act'n and appear'n" charitable acts of the week ever since then

i've marched along side the pity parade of pansies…

most of them being either emotionally unavailable…

blatantly socially retarded...

or chemically dependent!

human nature can be so cruel!

i've never really understood this breed of "boys"...

whether it be in the bedroom or on a bored walk...trust me kitten...ya ain't fool'n no one…you might "act" all Colin Farrell on the streets...but yer the 1st ones who've got their legs stapled to the ceil'n when we hit the sheets...before i can even get the front door shut...get off yer huffy bike and deal with it mister sister…you know who you are

i’ve cancelled my subscription to those "issue" years ago…

let's leave the "act'n" to the professionals...shall we?

even though i think about of all those who haven't come fer me yet...i still reminisce about all of those who've came before me…after all we've been thru a lot together and cuz i'm much bigger than hold'n onto any grudge

trust me…much BIGGER!

and though i'd like to get banged like a screen door in a tornado…

these days…i’m looking more for someone intelligent enough to chant my name...

while jump’n off a cliff

i'm not suggest'n in the slightest that relationships are bad...but don't start whine'n at the top of yer lungs when things don't go yer way...i'm merely point'n out the fact that you don't need one...to make yerself worthless...

 you'll doin a fine job at it on yer own

i believe Miss Bernhard said it best when she said...

"don’t let anyone fuck you over…fuck them over FIRST!...FUCK THEM UP!"

now if you wouldn't mind...time fer me to soak

in some jean nate' after bath body splash...

with cool cumber slices blanket'n my eyes...

so kindly get off my dress!

unplugged

so as i was say'n last week about the chaos surround'n...

my smartass phone commit'n a total jihad on my ass 2 days before my annual celebratory time stamped day of narcissism day of birth...i was in complete ax-weild'n homocidal maniac mental meltdown mode while my brain was on RED ALERT...

try'n to understand what the fuck APU was recite'n from his prepared speech on his informational highway box to me...in order to correct the unhappy situation i was so desperately need'n to get myself out of...and before ya get all UP WITH PEOPLE on my ass...

YES i understand there are different pronunciations of the english dialect...but that don't mean just cuz i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...that i have to put up with this shit!

after the most soul depress'n...4 1/2 minutes of my life...now gone ferever...i took a deep breath and rebooted my senses...to make sense of this no nonsense situation...APU assured me my cellphone situation...

 would be resolved in 7 to 10 c-a-l-e-n-d-a-r days...not to be confused with 7 to 10 business days...which basically gives any business enough to time to explore any legal ramifications that may concur...should the outcome not be in yer best interest affect their bottom line

so after much ado about nothing to do with APU...i had my cell checked at said store which shall remain nameless...as not to sway public opinion...
fer ANY defects prior to return'n it back to the company fer inspection...of which their were none...all i'll say is...i WILL NOT BOOST about them

 to anyone in the near future...unless of course...they're look'n fer some unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe spokesmodel

then i thought...WAIT!...why am i gett'n my titties in such a twist?

i survived many years without the world and the entire informational highway bein' able to GPS my ass and it's location at any given moment 

as i bubble wrapped up my lifeline and dropped it off at the post office...all of a sudden...it felt as if i was released from the informational shackles of the past year...and i swear fer a moment...i could almost hear Marlo Thomas sing'n softly into my ear

of course this meant that there would be bed side vigils around the globe from GRINDR to SCRUFF...shedd'n a single lonesome tear until my triumphant return...and rest assured...i'm sure i unfortunately will...unless of course i was left with a small fortune in someone's will...so let's take a look at what happened since i entered into the witness protection program called LIFE!

#1 i was completely inconsolable when i heard that ROSE NYLUND dyed

the last of the GOLDEN GIRLS...wasn't so GOLDEN after all!

#2 i finally finished the entire trip thru emerald city...

OZ that is

the story of a love affair...after commit'n some heinous crime of course...where you either whack...or get whacked...if ya don't watch yer back...but the 2 words that best describe this series...

CHRIS KELLER...grrrrravy on my mash potatoes

#3 i have to admit the only reason i finally got into #2

(ummm not THAT #2 sicko's) was fer me and my latest baby mama drama faghag that desperately wanted us to put on our Cagney and Lacey caps to do research about an unfortunate situation a mutual friend had got himself into allegedly...well...after a month long game of cat n mouse...the jig was up...and just like all my the powerball purchases...i unfortunately lost out on the grand prize of $40 g's...

so there goes my helicopter ride around the Hampton's choke'n down caviar nibbleys and sipp'n on champagne with likes of Cher and Madonna

#4 actually goin 10 entire 24 hrs in an actual row...

without some post traumatic pole smoker call'n me "daddy"
trust me...i get it...i'm over 40...and unfortunately i'm hot...and at times in the right scenarios...it's perfectly legal and legit...but lest we ferget...kitten...ima QUEEN!

# 5 my lil sharp dressed spit fire of a vice president to my fan club...

take'n me to my fav-o-rit musical of all time fer my bday...well this year anyways...which you'd seriously have to be a complete moron to miss out on the BOOK OF MORMONS...it's message resonated with me since i seriously lived it back in the prehistoric times of 1989...

when me and my roomies Steph and Amy called the latter day saint ad on tv late one even'n...just cuz we wanted to make new friends...and i shit you not...2 days later...with me in a french maid uniform serve'n oreo's and lemonade to our guests...we sat down fer a very casual Q&A pow wow after  receive'n our very own complimentary comic book...

which really came in handy since we planned on grill'n out that nite...all seemed to be goin well...UNTIL...we asked them what their stance was on non heterosexuality...

well...you'da swore they thought we were the witches try'n to tell them how to defeat the kraken...but they pondered fer a minute or 2 and said that they'd have to go back to their superior and they'd get back to us with the correct answer...well...i'm here ta tell ya that it has been 25 years...4 months and 16 days...and i'm still wait'n fer a fuck'n answer...all i'll say is...

HASA DIGA EEBOWAI

so there ya have it kittens...the world did not and will not come to an end...
i survived 10 full days without that damn trilogy of terror tell'n me my next move...check'n every 5 seconds how many desperado's were check'n...

me out on whatever site i choose to loose my religion with...or if i was miss'n out on some urgent FB feed that needed a quick quip...and how long it would take someone to like it...only to then check back 5 seconds later to see if anyone responded with more cleverish regurgitated words of wisdom...

just to justify my only existence fer other people's voyeuristic intentions...well...i'm here to tell ya kittens...tick tock tick tock tick tock...the countdown is over...

so with my most profesh and understandably poised voice...i called back APU and calmly said...gimme back my phone you cock-suck'n-muther-fuck'n-pig-slutt'n-whore...and puhleez...

get off my dress!