CAMP IT UP!

with the memorial holiday already under way...

the kiddies are ready to pack up their trapper keepers fer another summer of fun in the sun... 

and camp'n it up...tell'n ghost stories while roast'n marshmallows over an open fire...and wash'n 'em down with shots of fireball...so they can ferget about their inhibitions...and their virtues

well...all i gotta say to that is...fuck the bugs...and hit the rugs...

by shipp'n yer lil rug rats away fer the week...and camp'n out in front of yer brand new color magnovox...with a bottle of yer best mind eraser and catch'n up with thee campiest movies out there

so call in sick this week...and check out my fav-o-rit 13 classic campers

#13 "FLASH GORDON"

this british campolicious sci-fi masterpiece from 1980...stars Sam J. Jones as the hunk-o-rama NY jets quarterback FLASH GORDON...who's forced to travel with Dr. Zarkov and Dale Arden to the planet Mongo to stop Ming the Merciless from blow'n up the earth...all while bein accompanied by the incredible soundtrack of QUEEN..and headdresses any queen would kill for

fav-o-rit quote "FLASH...FLASH...i love you...but we only have 14 hours to save the earth"

#12 "SID AND NANCY"

though drugs may make you feel like a cool mountain breeze...they're not funny...unless of course yer deal'n with the over the top performance by Chloe Webb as Nancy Spungen...the obsessed heroin groupie to punk rocker Sid Vicious played by Gary Oldman from the band SEX PISTOLS...

fav-o-rit quote "i look like fuck'n Stevie Nicks in hippie clothes"

#11 "LUST IN THE DUST"

though every one of the late great DIVINE's movies are considered absolute camp classics...here's one that wasn't directed by John Waters...this 1985 gem spoofs the western flicks made famous by Mr. Eastwood years earlier...take'n place south of the border in Chile Verdi...starr'n DIVINE as Rosie Velez...the dancehall girl lost in the desert on a quest to be rescued by shoot'em up bandido Tab Hunter as Abel Wood on a mission to find the buried treasure hidden in the hills...also starr'n Lainie Cazan as saloon boss Marguerita Ventura with an unrepentant sexual appetite

fav-o-rit quote "only a few more little miles...only a few more itsy bitsy...eeny weeny little miles...and then you can drop dead...you miserable hunk of shit!"

#10 "PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT"

from the land down under...i was so OBSESSED with this up lift'n comedy from 1994...i should'a been committed...about friendship...fantastic adventures...and feathers...starr'n Hugo Weaving as the married Mitzi...Guy Pearce as the flex'n Felicia...and Terence Stamp as transitional Bernadette...after Bernadette loose's her lover to a peroxide exfixation...she along with Mitzi and Felicia pack there bags fer an adventure thru the australian outback..and what an adventure it becomes

fav-o-rit quote "now listen here you mullet...why don't you just light your tampon and blow your box apart...cuz that's the only bang your ever gonna get sweetheart"

#9 "GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS"

released in 2003...this rip roar'n romp about a dysfunctional dreamer VARLA JEAN MERMAN...a delusional derelict COCO PERU and a dilapidated drunk Evie...are roommates live'n together under one roof...learn'n to make the most of their pathetic lives...and filled with more one liners than the back rooms of studio 54

fav-o-rit quote " COCO...i've had more children pulled out of me than a burn'n orphanage"

#8 "WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE"

a hidden treasure from 1996 follows Dawn Weiner...played by Heather  Matarazzo...as the quirky misfit middle child...live'n with unattentive parents...a brainiac older brother and a snot-nosed beauty queen lil sister...try'n to cope with her own insecurities grown'n up in the 7th grade

fav-o-rit quote "i don't mean to be a cunt"

#7 "BREAKFAST ON PLUTO"

though released in 2005...this indy irish flick is set in the 1970's...a come'n of age story starr'n Cillian Murphy as Patrick Braden...known simply as "KITTEN"...a trans woman who leaves the small minds of her hometown in Ireland fer the big streets of London in search of love...her long lost mother and herself

fav-o-rit quote "if i wasn't a transvestite terrorist...would you marry me?"

#6 "PARTY GIRL"

the perfect reflection of the times in 1995...starr'n funny gal Parker Posey as Mary...the party queen of the clubs...with an addiction to clothes...as well as chemically enhanced nites...gets arrested after throw'n an illegal rave one nite...and calls her distant aunt to bail her out

fav-o-rit quote "i would like a nice...powerful...mind-alter'n substance...preferably one that will make my unborn children grow gills"

#5"PSYCHO BEACH PARTY"

stick a 50's psycho-thriller...a 60's beach party and a 70's slasher flick in a blender...and you'll get this 2000 camp-o-rama smoothie...starr'n Lauren Ambrose (from Six Feet Under fame) as 16 year old Chicklet...a tomboy desperately yearn'n to be part of the "it" crowd with the Malibu surfers

fav-o-rit quote "i've never been to an orgy before...what do i wear?"

#4 "MEDUSA: DARE TO BE TRUTHFUL"

released in 1991 comes this beyond brilliant made for tv mockumentary of MADONNA's documentary "TRUTH OR DARE"...starr'n Mtv's comedic darl'n of her weekly show "JUST SAY JULIE"...when Mtv was still cool...this lil red headed head of henna hair Julie Brown...created...wrote and starred as the QUEEN of the dance floor...give'n a glimpse into the life of what really is funny about goin on the road as a megastar...also starr'n a very young Kathy Griffin...Chris Elliot and Bobcat Goldthwait...rumor has it M herself found most of the film funny after view'n it back in the day...and sent Julie a half empty bottle of warm champagne as a consolation prize fer her deadpan impression...which Julie replied "it was really expensive champagne...but it had Madonna spit in it"

littered from bein' to end with famous zippers...my fav-o-rit quote to her therapist on the cell phone..."what do you mean yer not come'n with me on the tour?...i thought with the amount of money i was pay'n you...i was your only patient!...come on...you have to come with me...you said i was "borderline"...i even wrote a song about it!"

#3 "WITHOUT YOU I"M NOTHING"

another tv special released in 1991...from comedic legend SANDRA BERNHARD's off broadway hit of the same name...explore'n the connection between a superstar and her audience...with sound bites from Steve Antin and Lu Leonard...accompanied by melancholic musical numbers that only this jewess can pull of with the greatest of ease

fav-o-rit quote "when i was a little girl...i used to go home from lunch every day...and i'd pretend that my mother was a waitress in a roadside cafe..."i'll have a side order ma'am"...a side order consists of a white meat tuna...a dollop of mayonnaise...some carrot strips and potato chips...and then i'd sit at the counter...and ignore her!"

#2 "HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH"

now a tony award winn'n smash musical on broadway...that originally was an off broadway production turned into the indy hit camp musical back in 2001...tells the story of german immigrant boy...live'n in a trailer in kansas...who becomes the an internationally ignored rock goddess after a botched sex operation

fav-o-rit quote "i had tried sing'n once back in Berlin...they threw tomatoes...after the show...i had a nice salad"

and now the moment you've ALL been wait'n for...the creme-de-la-creme fer the creme-de-la-femme...you'd have to be live'n under a pile of rocks to not know about this chef-d'oeuvre...the movie more camp than friday the 13th or David combined...

#1 "MOMMIE DEAREST"

as if ANY introduction needs to be said about this cinematic masterpiece...the entire movie is littered with one liners that is the backbone that camp scripts kill for

let's leave it to an ABBA musical accompaniment to showcase the reason why this movie IS NOT to be missed

well...there ya have it kittens...enjoy the shows...and PUHLEEZ...

get off my dress!

under the rainbow

with all the hubbub about the impend'n decision in regards to...

the SUPREME COURT recognize'n non heterosexual unification thru-out the land in a few short weeks...in order to milk the system of tax and health bennies like the rest of the population has been doin fer years...i thought it was time to play a lil game...since essentially that's what marriage really is

so i decided to pull out my ouija board and try to get in contact with a popular game show host from my pre-teen pansy past...and i was lucky enough to contact the original canker sore collector...

Richard Dawson...but cuz of copyright infringements and a ban from Mark Goodson to ever host any game show with his name attached to it...even from beyond the grave...i hadda make a couple of adjustments...so now it's time to play..

hands on yer buzzer...top 5 answers on the board...

we surveyed 100 people...

name an absolutely insane reason why 2 consent'n anal astronauts or home depot card carry'n lezbitronics should not be able to tie the not...

Richard...i'm gonna go with  DROUGHT...cuz california is have'n a terrible time these past 4 years with their agriculture...and global warm'n has nothin' to do with that...i know it's cuz our delusional almighty CASPER is pissed at the rampant runn'n around all those people with easy virtue have been doin fer centuries

can i see DROUGHT?

yer on the board...do you wanna play or pass?

Richard...i'm gonna play cuz we're a CASPER fear'n family...and we know he would want us to win

ok i see yer name is Richard too...huh...well how 'bout we just call ya Dick so there's no confusion...that ok with you Dick?...name an absolutely insane reason why 2 consent'n anal astronauts or home depot card carry'n lezbitronics should not be able to tie the not...got 1 of the 4 answers left?

Richard...i'm gonna go with THERAPY...cuz i was born in the great state of Texas...were cheaters always win...and winners always cheat...and the fact is...that those tulip sniffers need as much therapy as we can provide them to put them on the righteous track...even if it's been prove'n not to do a damn thing and cause more harm than help'n em...but hey...sounds like a good plan to me!

gimme some THERAPY...

good answer...you know that surprises me...but move'n on

Gertrude...i'm guess'n you applied yer poly grip this morn'n didn't you my love...can i getta kiss? there's 2 answers on the board...in order to stay in the game...gimme 1 of the 3 answers left up there on the board sweetness

Richard...i'm gonna go with WEBSITE...cuz after a long day of yahtzee tournaments at Our Lady of Rapturous Debauchery in Shreveport Louisiana where i was the state champion with my tic tac pie 3 years in a row...i like to kick back with a couple bottles of bottom of the barrel pinot grigio...knit afghans fer them Armenians...and surf the informational highway to my fav-o-rit site fer the latest word of the almighty...but those sneaky sodomites stole it out from under us...redirect'n me to some devil's playground of fornicational filth last weekend...so i been recite'n hail mary's with my bloody mary's on sunday til the situation is corrected

let me see WEBSITE...

well...to be fair Gertrude...if the owners of that site weren't spread their secretaries thighs...while spread'n their vicious lies around the internet...they wouldn't be in this mess to begin with...now would they?

how's my beautiful Norma doin? you know Norma...has anyone ever told you if you put a simple little L at the end of yer name...you might actually make sense?...just a thought...ok Norma...you gotta answer fer me love? by the way....i love that enchant'n smell yer wear'n...what do you call it?

hi Richard...i'm sooo glad to be here...thank you fer notice'n...yer smell'n my Ben-Gay...i rub it on my shoulders to fight my rheumatism...but as CASPER is my witness...i've never been gay...that's just a lil joke i like to say when people notice my smell...ok Richard...i'm gonna go with they shouldn't be allowed to marry cuz of that horrible TRAIN CRASH last week...i heard it on that news channel that bends the truth so they can get brain dead people like me to believe it...but i actually had a premonition of the same thing...it was scary...i think i could be an actual journalist on that program or somethin'...dont'cha think?

if it's there...yer still in the game...can i get a TRAIN CRASH?

luckily only 3 others mental cases believed you...just barely made it by those stubborn hairs on yer chiny chin chin

hello Richard...i just wanna give a shout out to all my local parishioners in Macon Georgia...my gingivitis is finally under control...i'd be as pickled as a peach on sunday if i could get a kiss from the late great Mr. Dawson...can ya hold onto my teeth while i pucker up?...and make it a good'n Richard...

ok Henrietta...i need an answer love...my hemorrhoids are really act'n up...

well Richard...i think i know the #1 answer...

is it cuz they worship that lil harlot that's hitt'n the road this year?

sorry my love...but that is a strike...gimme another answer and make it a good one this time..

ok...can i get one more kiss of death fer good luck Richard?...thanks...ok how about CAKE? cuz ya know...my fav-o-rit pill popp'n radio preacher...who's cherished the sanctity of marriage 4 times in the house of the Lord...was just say'n the other day on his program...that those meanie muslims are to blame fer hatred towards those flame'n fruit cakers...not us ignorantly righteous right wing-nuts with no sense of sensitivities to anyone but our own agendas...plus...i'm almost positive it says in the bible somewhere that those who shall believe in me shall not mix their poly blends or their ingredients fer those deviant throat plungers or carpet cleaners

if it's there...you'll win the game dear...let'em eat CAKE?

CONGRATULATIONS...yer family may have won the game...but you've also proved to yerself and those who follow in yer idiocy...you have ALOT to learn...anyone that believes that the definition of marriage dates back to biblical time and was meant to join a man and woman...HA!
let the schooling begin...

marriage originally originated as an agreement between 2 MEN and was specific to a business partnership...THAT'S RIGHT...2 MEN...it evolved to include more than business as is the case when supposedly Saint Serge married Saint Bacchus during a wedding ceremony witnessed by Jesus Christ. (that is if you wanna go that comic book route)

applying the modern day metric that 10% of the population is non heterosexual and bein' there were far less people on our planet back then...it was even more uncommon to see same gender couples....that people would come to forget the origin of marriage...emerge'n was a disdain for all things different from oneself or one's family...marriage eventually became limited to an arrangement decided by parents between first cousins...male and female and ultimately between non-related male and female

in short...it isn't gays and lesbians who perverted the tradition of marriage...it was the non homosexuals...first with their practice of incest and then with insecure short sighted views of this world and an inability to embrace...to learn from...and to evolve cuz of the magnificent differences in CASPER's "alleged" design of each person....but arranged hetero incest coupling?...seriously?...that's just FUCKED UP!

well...that's it fer this special episode of "FUCKED UP FEUD"....

now get off my dress!