I WONDER?

picture it kittens...the year was 1976...our 38th prez GERALD FORD was

the 1st and only one to this date that got to pass go and collect $200g's a year by move'n into that neoclassical styled sherman-williams whisper white painted air b&b in D.C. who was N-E-V-E-R elected as vice prez or top gun in command...it was more like he won the lotto of politicks

STARLAND VOCAL BAND wanted everyone to have an "AFTERNOON DELIGHT" durin' the summer of '76 which reached the top spot on the charts with their overtly sexually suggestive lyrics (sorry kittens...apparently they lost all their millions in their dirty divorces to afford to have any gif's made...so deal with their studio shot)

SYLVESTER STALLONE played steroidal boxer "ROCKY" which was beat this live'n shit outta the competition at the theaters to take the #1 spot rake'n in an impressive $117 mill...which is roughly like over half a billion benjamins if it were released today (thankyou mister calculator)

there were many comic book heros we all used to watch that had totally

captured the imagination fer all of us Gen X'ers grow'n up from "SHAZAM!" "THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN" "THE INCREDIBLE HULK" "THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN" THE BIONIC WOMAN" and "THE SECRETS OF ISIS" to name a few

however...it was the blue eyed raven beauty LYNDA CARTER who was   

 on the hit drama series "WONDER WOMAN" that really captured the essence of all my inspirational inclinations and really sucked me in week after week...play'n duel roles as an undercover worker in the war department as DIANA PRINCE and spun into the woman of wonder when mysterious and/or trouble'n situations would arise...which was spinn'n outta control on tv fer 3 sensational seasons in the mid 70's and constantly spinn'n in my mind make'n me so absofuckinglutely mesmerized and stupefied as to how in the fuck she could transform into her star spangled corset...lie detector lasso and her bullet proof bracelets at least 3 times durin' an episode without have'n to do a single load of laundry

and i was just enter'n my very 1st year of hell (umm i mean kinder garden)

so of course i had to test out LYNDA's theory fer practicality reasons and fer 4 months straight (the only time i may have ever been) i was on the playground at Jefferson school in my fav-o-rit pair of light shit brown faux leather cowboy boots spinn'n around look'n like some sorta schizophrenic gerbil hopped up on hits of acid until the snow fell and i would eventually wear out the bottoms of my boots slipp'n on the ice and crack'n my head open in the process only to be gifted a handful of stiches that xmas but was forced to keep my shit kickers the rest of my school year with the souls held together by duct tape cuz there was no bottomless pit of frivolous funds on the farm to keep me accustomed to the lifestyle i believed i thought i deserved then that i still haven't found to this very day

once the stitches were removed i'm pretty sure my dad hadda sit me down

since he got me hooked on the series in the first place and explain to me the magic of hollyweird...though these days i make others wonder how i can turn a tooth chipper into a twat simply known as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER

BUTT...seriously!

though i'll admit still after all these years...i'm very much fascinated by the

superior spinn'n powers of WONDER WOMAN...desperately yearn'n to be just like her and still try'n to make that ball of explosion happen when i duck into the latrine 5 minutes before i need to clock out at work...unfortunately now in my advanced years...i'm spinn'n circles in my head instead cuz I WONDER where the H-E-double hockey stix i put my damn keys after tear'n my apartment apart like the fuck'n neurotic tazmanian devil until i realize that i've been hold'n onto 'em fer the past 20 annoy'n minutes?

I WONDER how to get my dumb ass to remember the new pass code after i just literally redid it 2 seconds ago to get into my smart phone and computer?

I WONDER why i always ferget all of a sudden what i was just gonna say when i end up think'n about something else?

I WONDER why i always ferget all of a sudden what i was just gonna say when i end up think'n about something else?

wait...what?

I WONDER what the hell it was i was look'n fer once when i headed out to the grocery store 20 minutes away after leave'n the list i made on the counter back home after doin a complete inventory of everything i specifically wrote down that i needed even though i was just walk'n out the door to go meet a friend fer cocktails at the corner bar a block away?

I WONDER if it's just my plump A double snakes try'n to discretely "break silent wind" or that pepperoni pizza with jalapeño's...banana peppers and extra gorgonzola cheese on top from the other nite that's try'na break outta my outer rim while on my daily walk thru the mouse trap skyway system durin' my break?

I WONDER why durin' the winter months when my narcolepsy decides to kick in shortly after my dinner at 6 pm only to wake an hour later completely disoriented stare'n at the clock on the microwave like a lobotomized lentil...then suddenly jump off the couch in complete panic when the clock comes into focus and i immediately jump into the shower and dress as fast as possible cuz i think it's 7am and i'm about to miss the bus fer work just cuz my microwave clock has no am or pm on it and it's still dark out?

I WONDER what part of my body plans on fall'n off me next?

I WONDER why are the fuck'n ingredients on the fuck'n food boxes so fuck'n teenie tiny?

I WONDER why in the sam hell i still play the lotto after all these years of not winn'n a goddamn penny?

I WONDER if you care that i'm still here write'n my non sensical gibberish after 12 years?

but most of all I WONDER where the fuck my mind went?

 eh...oh well...GET OFF MY DRESS!

DON'T DRAG ME DOWN!

there are many many myths in the world that many many people have 

believed to be true...that sooner or later...at some point...gets debunked as 100% false like fer instance...popular psychic to the senile credit card callers in the 1990's MISS CLEO who couldn't predict her way outta a paper bag even if it was made out of invisible paper...

was really just out of work 80's actor TODD BRIDGES from tv's "DIFFERENT STROKES" dressed in a wig from the Eva Gabor's jerry curl collection...costume trinkets he "borrowed" from Mrs. Garrett's dress'n room and a tacky muumuu he got at some close-out sale at the Lane Bryant outlet in Indiana

that the saucy senior with the lavender locks from down under DAME EDNA is really just a hitman fer the gladiola mafia

or that transgendered beauty AMANDA LEPORE is 100% recyclable (she can't be more than 69%)

and even though the term "drag" is as old and ugly...tired and expired as a thanksgive'n dinner in july

i am neither (well not YET anyways) bein the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am!

cuz when you can take a throat plunge'n cock-a-doodle do and turn it 

into a barely there scratch'n post...you are perform'n a pretty damn good illusion so with that in mind kittens...let's hop aboard the debunction function express

though most of the baby boomer generation of today are one by one

turn'n into a buffet fer dung beetles...they grew up watch'n mr. television MILTON BERLE dressed in his nana's naughty's on the “KRAFT MUSIC HALL" program which transitioned from radio to tv in the 1950's (even though he was reportedly a hard core homo phobie) that all kids watched with the family

while TONY CURTIS and JACK LEMON were musicians who escaped

a police raid and witness a mob hit (loosely inspired by the real life St. Valentine's Day massacre) so they disguise themselves in their best pressed grannies get-up and board a train to miami where they both compete fer the affection of lead singer SUGAR KANE of the all female band played by MARILYN MONROE in the crime dramedy of 1959 "SOME LIKE IT HOT" that the cool arty kids got to watch with their families who could afford the ticket prices

by the 1960's the popular series all about a suburban family of mythical 

creatures of the nite on the hit series "THE MUNSTERS" in one of their most popular episodes HERMAN portrayed his feminine side after exposure to a bolt of lighten'n that all kids watched with the family

in the 1970's....drag characters were embraced by audiences everywhere  

from the brilliantly hysterical HARVEY KORMAN who portrayed many drag persona's on the hit comedy series "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW" where he began in 1967 til he left the series in 1977 winn'n a golden globe fer his performances in 1975 that all kids watched with the family

FLIP WILSON portray'n sassy liberated woman GERALDINE JONES on the hit series "THE FLIP WILSON SHOW" from '70-'74 and became the 1st successful african american series winn'n FLIP a golden globe and 2 emmy awards that all kids watched with the family

and JAMIE FARR as the quaky cross-dress'n CORPORAL KLINGER who wore his sunday best to try and get a section 8 discharge on the medical dramedy series "M*A*S*H" which ran from '72-'83 that all kids watched with the family

and on the big screen was the break-out role fer british actor TIM CURRY starr'n as the sexually starved transvestite DR. FRANK-N-FURTER in the cult classic (years later) "THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" in 1975 which is still premiere'n 47 years after it's original release in theaters make'n it the longest release in movie history that the cool arty kids watched with the family along with toss'n toilet paper & bread crumbs at the screen

once the 1980's had rolled around...the gender benders began flood'n the 

air waves and small screens thanx to Mtv with the likes of BOY GEORGE...PETE BURNS...MARILYN...ANNIE LENNOX and GRACE JONES 

and those hard rock'n alcoholic wives DEE SNIDER of TWISTED SISTER...BRETT MICHEALS of POISON and VINCE NEIL of MOTLEYU CRUE who were all the rage fer those dirtballs from Des Moines to Detroit

with the main characters TOM HANKS as KIP WILSON/BUFFY and 

PETER SCOLARI as HENRY DESMOND/HILDEGARD play'n duel roles on the slapstick series "BOSOM BUDDIES" who were advertise'n agents by day and chatty kathy's by nite try'na save a buck on rent in an all woman's hotel cuz their apartment build'n was demolished while they slept than ran fer 2 seasons in 1980 that all kids watched with the family

and DUSTN HOFFMAN lit up the silver screen by 1982 portray'n out of work actor MICHAEL DORSEY who's been known to be difficult to work with until one day he hears of a female part open'n up on a soap opera as hospital administrator EMILY KIMBERLY and decides to disguise himself as DORTHY MICHAELS to win the part in the romantic comedy "TOOTSIE" make'n it the 2nd highest gross'n film behind E.T. that same year...that all kids watched with the family if the parents could afford part'n with their pennies fer a nite out after their swanson frozen dinner

with his love interest in the film and MN native JESSICA LANGE winn'n an oscar fer best support'n actress fer her performance

and JOHN WATERS indie musical smash "HAIRSPRAY"  that my friend Dr. Bob introduced me to in 1988 starr'n under ground disco sensation DIVINE as EDNA TURNBALD that became a broadway musical 14 years later and 5 years later would turn back into a movie about the musical that all cool arty kids watched with the family if the parents could to make it to broadway 

when the 1990's began so did the rise of over the top drag persona's 

that went from subculture to mainstream pop culture with the likes of JAMIE FOXX portray'n UGLY WANDA on the FOX comedy sketch series "IN LIVING COLOR" that all kids watched with the family

RUPAUL's electrify'n club smash "SUPERMODEL (YOU BETTER WORK)" was burn'n up the dance floors everywhere around the world

the australian blockbuster "PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT" that i 

had seen like 11 times at the Uptown theater in 1994 starr'n TERRENCE STAMP as BERNADETTE...HUGO WEAVING as MITSY and GUY PEARCE in his break-out role as FELICIA (which would go on to become a brilliant broadway musical 17 years later) that all cool arty kids watched with the family if the parents could afford  movie prices or waited til they could rent it at their local blockbuster 

and shortly after i absofuckinglutely decided to give birth to the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER in 1995

MISS COCO PERU appeared in the romantic dramedy indie flick "TRICK" in 1999 that all cool arty teenragers watched with their friends while the parents played "cribbage" with the neighbors

and ROBIN WILLIAMS as the doting dad try'n to hold onto his relationship with his kids as his is fall'n apart in the mega hit "MRS DOUBTFIRE" from 1993 that won ROBIN an oscar...emmy and mtv awards fer his ingenious comedic time'n performance that all kids watched with the family and came back fer seconds with their "babysitter"

by the time the ball had dropped after it struck 12 on the new millennium

and all the clocks...the computers...the banks and society hadn't fall'n into the great abyss that was apparently predicted with the insane home generator sales we hadn't seen since the CABBAGE PATCH mania of 1983...

that everyone and their brother's mother from the neighbor's father was back comb'n the fuck outta their grama's Eva Gabor wig collection...throw'n on their babysitters thigh highs and lyp-sync'n with their lollipop to hits from LORETTA LYNN thru LIL KIM and every artist in between

movies like HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH in 2001 

and the british comedy based on a true story KINKY BOOTS in 2005 would both enjoy a fantastic run on broadway start'n in 2014

ever since 2009 when RUPAUL pitched a lil show called "DRAG RACE"

to tv execs at LOGO...the series has since turned into the devil of drag catastrophes fer 15 mind numb'n seasons...with 7 spin off seasons of ALL STARS and spawn'n into 14 other countries with their own visions of their 31 flavors of back stabb'n bitchiness on every episode that all kids watched with the family or snuck to their friends family to watch

BUTT...wait!

leave it to some fickle fuckless religious repuglicunt with less morals than

a brown marmorated stink bug…Senate majority asswipe Jack Johnson of Tennessee who introduced a "drag bill" that would stop performers in the great state of banjo's and beer belches from earn'n and entertain'n the cousins and kin folk of the Smokey Mountain state

which unfortunately was signed into law last week by their fucktwat of a governor Bill Lee

although not before their creepy christian colostomy bagged lieutenant repuglicunt governor Randy McNasty was busted with this bill between his britches by like'n posts of a nearly naked instagrammer posts who is 5 generational letters below his own with comments like "FINN, you can turn a rainy day into rainbows and sunshine" before like'n another post that read "I Am not a WHORE, I Am a HOE! there is a difference! One is a SLUT and the other is a Prostitute!" and of course wouldn't you know it...

his press secretiontary would explain it away as he "likes" to "support" his constituents (yea…i get'cha gramps)

though why not spend more time restructure'n yer education programs

fer the lil kittens in yer districts since last i checked fer 2022...you ain't doin so great as a state mate!

with 14 more repuglicunt states try'n to board the anti drag bills bus

those of us with half a work'n brain cell can see what the common denominator at play here is…

cuz drag performances have been around since that bald'n guy with a bad perm wrote his 1st play over 400+ years ago and know that this is all just a smoke screen bill fer bigger anti LGBTXYZPDQ bills to come up on the floor eventually...hmmm why not put more push fer gun reform so lil kittens will no longer have to dodge bullets instead of balls...perhaps free hot meals fer poor kids and maybe more cooler interest'n after school programs as simple suggestions where to begin anal warts! 

don't even get me started on the many drag queen library hours bein

  harassed fer no reason by the very same sack of sanctimonious bible thump'n dipshits turn'n into whiney lil bitches when karma decides to kick their dilapidated flap-jacked ass to the curb who want nothing to do with read'n to their own children at nite cuz one's too busy boink'n the babysitter in the backseat while the other one is pickle'n the principle's prick after the PTA meet'ns

though political cut-throater JON STEWART summed it up a lil more perfectly!

listen up kittens...we ALL grew up watch'n BUGS BUNNY ride into the 

sunset with their long flaxen blonde braids blow'n in the wind while cock tease'n the unfuckable Elmer Fudd (well the Gen X'ers anyways) so how many of you went on to live fairly family friendly lives though unfuckable after have'n a bunch of bawl'n brats bleed'n yer bank account dry fer the next 18 years without the urge to staple gun yer dick between yer derrière and parade around on stage in 8 inch hooker heels look’n like a colorful catastrophe fer dollar bills & drinks?  

yea i thought so...just vote these holier than thou phony fucktards out the next election cycle and

GET OFF MY DRESS!